I’ll crawl if I have to…

A couple of weeks ago I got in a small accident with some idiot and well long story short I currently don’t have a car.
I seriously wonder sometimes if I am going to die in some sort of car accident or car situation because I always have some sort of issue. Last year alone I had 5 flat tires; can you say, bad luck? -_-

Anyway so the point of sharing that is that since I don’t have a car I’m driving my mom’s car to work and school and what not. You don’t realize how much your car means to you till you don’t have it, sharing a car with my mom is a bit stressful.

Yesterday I went to work and my mom called me around 5 to see if I was going to make it to mass. I couldn’t make it do to work and I figured she wouldn’t go because she can’t really walk.

I was wrong…

On my way home from work she called me to pick her and the boys up at church, I was so shocked wondering who had taken her or how they got there?

She took a taxi! Ha ha

I told her “Mom! A taxi? Why didn’t you just skip today, you can’t even walk!”

And she said to me…

“God doesn’t skip blessing me, or waking me up for another day, or making sure my kids and loved ones are safe… Therefor if I have to crawl to church one day out of the week for the rest of my life then I will!”

I was surprised by her answer and at the same time ashamed of myself for not thinking the same way.

It made me realize that like always she was right! God has been so good to us since she got diagnosed, and even when it seems like the road is ending he opens up another path for us.

Please take a minute to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
As I try to raise money for my mom’s treatment!

Feeling alright!
Kbeautifulmind

Can we get 6,000…?

It’s Friday after noon and I just called my mom to see how she was doing?
She is a bit better today, her back no longer hurts but she can barely walk, because the pain on the leg is still very strong.
We got a hold of the doctor after we left the hospital and clearly I was right (read my last post) the doctor at emergency over exaggerated a bit. I mean he wasn’t lying, yes cancer in the bone eventually eats up at the bones causing them to collapse. However my mom isn’t quiet there yet. The doctor said her cancer had not grown or moved compared to the last scan he did and that as long as we acted on it we can buy her some time.

Our next issue is the Medi-Cal, my mom has been waiting for an approval for full coverage for over a year now and every time it gets denied….

“She make to “much money!”” they say….

Yet she has no income at all coming in right now… Does that make any sense?

Anyway, as of now my mom has a monthly deductible of 1000 for any medical care that’s not including her treatments and medication.

Therefor even though the doctor has suggested a treatment that can prolong her life and radiation to decrease the pain, we have to either wait or get about $6,000 together to get things started.

Well as you all may predict my mouth dropped as I shead tears knowing there was no way I could get $6,000. My mom told me to stop crying “things will work out for the best.” Even though I appreciate her strength and I am glad she is so positive, I knew in that moment things won’t fall into place any time soon. Unless I could get $6,000 soon. I knew there was no way I was going to win the lottery or meet some one super wealthy that wouldn’t mind just giving me 6,000 dollars and I knew I couldn’t save that money on top of all the bills I have to pay with the kind of money I make. So I decided to swallow my pride and start a fundraiser. Well its not exactly a fundraiser I guess, it’s more like another way of begging for money which is why I kept questioning it and why I’m keeping it from my mom.
So far I’ve raised 265 dollars just telling a small summary of our crazy life story and if this is going to help get my mom treated faster then so be it. I don’t care if she finds out and gets mad, I don’t care what other’s have to say, I need her here with me and the fact that I can’t make things better kills me inside every single day. Therefore I will do anything to get her that treatment, even if it’s considered begging.

I’m sorry mom that I am asking others for help but I’m not ready to give in to loosing you just yet and I still can’t handle all of this on my own.

For those of you interested in her status, I’ll keep you updated.

and if you care to donate or maybe even just want to share the link to help me spread the word….

Share this link on your social media pages and ask friends to share too! Let’s raise some money for my mommy! http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c

Until next time,
Kbeautifulmind

Last night as I was getting out from work my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to join her for confession…

I lied and said I was still at work, and went Christmas shopping instead.

I don’t know why I lied but I think it was because I hadn’t been to confession and hadn’t even step foot in a church in over a year.

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to attend midnight mass on christmas eve and I didn’t even make it to that last year…

When I was driving home that night I began to ask myself why I lied? And I had no excuse. I think I was afraid to face him.

I use to go to church every Sunday and always participated in confession, prayer, and I actually enjoyed it. I found it to be a place of peace and I felt happy when I was there.

Last year when my mom was diagnosed, I became mad at god. I was upset with him as I spend my days asking him why she deserved this? What made him choose her? Hasn’t she been through enough? Haven’t we been through enough? Why are you doing this to us!?!?!
I was very very mad at god; I had never felt so hurt, mad, and lost. I felt my faith dissolving.

Then one night when I was off on a Sunday my mom asked if I’d like to attend church with her, I told her “No I’m too tired”… and she confronted me…

“Well every Sunday for the last couple of months your excuse has been “work” today your excuse is you’re “tired” even though you are off? I don’t know what your deal is or why you no longer like to go to church but let me tell you something, we are still breathing and have all we have thanks to the man up stairs. Sometimes you need to take a little break and tell him thank you. If you don’t want to go to church then I hope you are at least speaking to him….”

If she only knew how much I was speaking to him, more like questioning him…

I stayed very quite and then told her “I don’t know If I believe in god anymore, I’m mad at him.”

My mom’s face looked like I had just slapped her really really hard.

She looked at me with a face of disappointment and said…

“I am so shocked to hear that coming from some one who use to always tell me, “No matter what happeneds, If we have faith everything will be okay!” I get you are mad so was I but I do believe he only gives us what we can handle.”

And she left…

I ended up crying myself into a nap after that. When I woke up I knew she was right, I went for a walk and I apologized to god for questioning him and yelling. I told him I was sorry and how grateful I was for still protecting me and being by my side even when I lost faith in him.

A year later today, I decided to go to confession and really face him. Before we were dismissed to stand in line to confess to one of the 25 priests, there was a small mass. The priest directing it said something along the lines of “… he never pushes us away no matter our sins, we push him away” and he was right. I pushed god away even when he still had my back and stood by my side.

Now I know not everyone reading this is a roman catholic like I am, but I am sharing this with the hope that if anyone is going through hard times like I am, understand that “everything happeneds for a reason” and with even just a little bit of faith, everything will be okay.

Faithful;
Kbeautifulmind

Christmas time is really here…

My mom and I bought a Tree today. We love decorating for the holidays, we were both really excited.

Now that’s good Christmas spirit!

First off, let me start by mentioning I absolutely looovvvvee Christmas.

It is my favorite holiday off all time.
I don’t know what it is, it might be the lights, decorations, the music, the food, my tradition of attending midnight mass or even the mistletoe.
It can be all of these things or some more then others but the entire idea of Christmas brings me peace and happiness and the excitment to build more memories.

There has only been two Christmas e’s when I’ve ever felt sad, and that was Christmas 2010 and last Christmas in 2012.

Last December we had just found out that my mother had Lung Cancer Stage four and I was wounded with the terrible news. As much as I smiled and showed everyone I was okay, like I always do with any situation… I was hurting. I was mad at god, that I didn’t attend midnight mass. I was worried and so afraid that this might be my last Christmas with my best friend.

Now a year has gone by, and thank god she’s still by our side. She looks so healthy and she’s fighting strong.

This brings me all the christmas joy I need. I know its not forever and no matter who is sick or not tomorrow is still never promised to any of us. However, what I do know is, I am so grateful to have my family here today. I pray tonight to have them again tomorrow by my side and for many more years to come.

Faith is all I need to hope for a wonderful Chritmas this year♡

Happy Holidays;
Kbeautifulmind

A year ago…

Most of the time we as humans just go day by day with out appreciating life and realizing how time flys by.
The only time we notice how fast time has gone is when someone’s birthday comes up, some kind of anniversary, or someone dearly to us passes away.

I use to be like that, I had my usual prayers “may god protect my family, loved ones and friends from all bad and evil blah blah blah” but I never really thought about it, I didnt sit there to think that I might go to bed and might wake up to tragic news or may not even wake up at all.

Until a year ago today…

I was at a loved ones funeral, I stood at the burial listening to the soothing music playing in the back ground and I began to sing along because it was one of my mother’s favorite songs. With tears in my eyes I began to watch everyone else around me crying with such hurt because they were either the sister, brother, son, daughter, grandson, granddaughter, cousin, friend, niece or nephew of this wonderful lady and they all had to say good bye with hope to see her again someday. The one person who broke my heart the most was the mother, her cry yelled her hurt and pain. After all she had already barried 3 of her children. I’ve always heard the saying “A mother or father never wants to bury a child” and I understood the sadness behind it but watching this lady hurt so much made me understand the meaning of it. It broke my heart to pieces, I felt such a heavy burden because I just wanted to help her but there was no way I could.

In that moment I began to think about my mom who at the time was in the hospital trying to get better from a “pneumonia”. Last I heard they were going to get some test results that day and we could take her home. As I thought about her I told god “This might not be the right time or place but I just want to say Thank you, that you’ve yet to put me through this and I pray you wait a very very long time for that because this is so painful that I couldn’t imagine loosing my mother or a sibling.”

I just needed to thank god because the woman who passed ment so much to me and even more to her immediate family. I couldn’t imagine how I would cry, act, feel if it was my mother or a sibling.

In that moment I began to realize how nice it was to still have my family here to hear, hold, kiss and even fight with.

After all the tears and hugs, we headed out for a reception in honor of the deceased where they would play music, a clip with many pictures and memories and have a bunch of yummy food. I honestly already had no appetite and seeing the pictures made me more sad that she was gone. However, I knew I had to be strong because I was there to support a lot of people I had grown to care about.

As I began to eat a bit and watch the beautiful memorabilia they made, my phone rang…

It was my mother, I was waiting for her call because she promised to call me as soon as they gave her the results of the exams.

I’ll never forget this moment…

“Hello?”
“Hi mija the results are in…”
“What did they say?”
“Kelsey, don’t cry, don’t get mad, and try to relax…”

Tears had already started running down my eyes to my cheeks…

“What mom!? Tell me already…”

“I have Lung Cancer… Stage 4…”

“What!?”

I cried and I cried and I cried I was so mad I couldn’t understand why and how god could do this to us…

I could hear her as she began to sob her self and said “Kelsey I told you not to cry!!!”

All I could say was “Come on mom…”

After we hung up I was so mad I was standing in the back of the building by a door and I felt as if life was crashing down on me, I couldn’t breath I tried to catch some air but I felt myself having an anxiety attack my stomach was turning and all I could taste was the salty tears running down my face into my mouth…

I was hugged by those around me including the mother of the deceased who told me “Look at me! We don’t know why god does these things but what we do know is he only gives us what we can handle, you must be strong for your mother she needs you more then she has ever needed you right now…” I could hear everything everyone was telling me including what she said but I was not comprehending like it was in another language! I was surrounded by all these loving people but in that moment I felt alone in my mind asking god “What the hell is your problem? Why my family after all we have gone through?”

Now, a year later I honestly don’t understand how we have done it. But I do understand what the lady said when she told me “we are only given what we can handle” and I finally comprehend even if I hate to accept it. I am so emotional because I honestly did not think my mom would see another Thanksgiving or Holiday Season. I am so so happy and so grateful that she is here with us and I pray to god, now that I’ve made peace with him again and apologized for attacking him that he please keep her here with me for many more years to come and continue to help her be strong so that she could fight on.

I am also grateful and appreciate all those wonderful people that were by my side the minute our family found out. We were forced to welcome cancer into our lives as I was trying to support another family who had just lost a loved one to cancer. But if I had not had them there by my side I wouldn’t have been okay. I am also thankful for those that have stayed by my side until today.

Day by day nothing may change but when you look back everything is different, we must take a minute and appreciate today so that we don’t find ourselves looking back with regret.

Spreading my hope and faith to all of you,
Kbeautifulmind

Little o’ miss nice cinderella♥

Hello everyone;
I like to greet all of you like if I have regular readers or something like that…
Ha ha I know its silly but everytime I get on here I imagine myself in a room sitting there and actually talking to a bunch of people or even a small audience…
I’m a weirdo, I know. Anyway it has been a very long time since I have wrote anything but to admit I’m always writing in my head its just hard to keep up with my blog on top of my busy life…
I just got out of work, I work two jobs and go to school full time. I work 6 days a week with one day off and that’s the day I’m in school ALL DAY. So as you may see Im a busy busy bee.
In all of that I manage to fit in a relationship with a great guy who also works full time and goes to school so he is very understanding 🙂
And I can’t forget about my amazing friends who are also busy bee’s and well I try my very BEST to fit them into my schedule too! They KNOW and also understand!
Anyway it’s nights like these where my feet hurt, my back aches and I had to work a hole other hour because I work with some lazy ass people who could careless if the work gets done, now they aren’t all like that but the ones that are make me just want to scream and say “Forget this s#&t!”
I’ve lost count of the days that I just want to throw everything on the floor & say “Forget work I can’t even stand these jobs 80 percent of the time, forget school and this degree that takes too long and forget everyone and everything! I’m done being nice, I’m done being the only one that plays by the rules and being little miss nice cinderella…”
Then god reminds me…
Its like some sort of will power takes over my body and tells me to “chill out!”
It tells me that my break is coming soon and one day I’ll be able to look back with pride and see that everything I have is not because anyone else handed it to me but because I (ME!) worked hard for it!
This thing, a very powerful thing that gets inside tells me to look around and see that I am alive, I have met my long life friends, Im loved truly and my momma is still by our side smiling, my family is united and healthy and have all gotten another chance at another day!”
That’s when I breath, I relax and take a minute to thank god for all I have for it might not be worth much to others but to me its worth everything…

So remember you may be tired today

(Shoot! IM SUPER tired!)

But tomorrow is another day that reminds you that if your lucky enough to have the chance and live it, your that much closer to your carriage, that much closer to the ball and the happy ending, to the days where all the hard work will pay off!

Little o’ miss nice cinderella;
Kbeautifulmind

What Cancer can not do:

Hello everyone! It feels good to be back, semester is over so that’s a relief and will give me a little more time to myself 🙂
Mother’s Day is also around the corner and Im so grateful my momma is here with me to celebrate the wonderful woman she is. You know not so long ago when I found out about her cancer I could feel it destroying me, making me loose hope and faith.However I managed to get it back…
Because the truth is that Cancer can not do many things after all it ends up being the weakest disease there has ever been.
So your probably wondering What is it that cancer can not do?
Well….
Cancer cannot cripple love. There is nothing in the world that can destroy true love, weather its family, or a romantic lover, when the love is true and its that feeling that’s tattooed on your heart it stays there forever weather that person is around or not. The love I have for my mom is so strong that nothing or anyone could ever take that away from me.
Cancer cannot shatter hope. Hope is something that also just lives in your heart because no matter how hard life may be on you at times, if you have hope you truly have everything.
Cancer cannot dissolve faith. Faith is in the air we breath, faith is what keeps many of us going as we remind our selves that things will turn out just the way they need to be.
Cancer cannot destroy peace. If peace is and has always lived within the person, no matter the drama or issues that person manages to relax and view life differently.
Cancer cannot suppress memories. There is nothing in this world that will ever take away any of the memories my mom and I have made and will continue to make together.
Cancer cannot silence courage. I know that from experience being the daughter of the strongest woman I have ever met and watching her fight and destroy all the bad feelings and energies that try to surround her as she makes it known and as it shows in her person that she will not allow anything to stand in her way.
Cancer cannot invade the soul. Having cancer has made my mom relive and remember how lucky she is for another day and how wonderful she is as a person who deserves nothing but the best.
Cancer cannot destroy us and if we feel like it is we must stop it and not allow it. Because you may have been the unlucky one and trust me I know… IT SUCKS! However you can make the best of it reminding yourself how Important everyday is and how grateful you are to be here.
Thank you for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

Promise Yourself

When you are feeling down, disappointed, and helpless make yourself a promise like I do, allow yourself reassurance and remind your self to have faith that all will fall back into place…
My promise to myself:

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”-Unknown

Over the last 4 years I have had the most breakdowns and saddest moments but this poem right here is what keeps me motivated.

Inspired;
Kbeautifulmind

The perfect world

My Perfect World:

If I could summarize for you guys the idea of a perfect world to me would be a world released from hate and pain, a world with lessons of life to better you, a world with out fears and enough peace, hope and faith for everyone to spare. A perfect world for me would be to be able to LIVE where death is an accident or naturally dying from age and not provoked from a disease, illness, or hate from other humans in our planet, a perfect world would be where as the equal chance we all get to live is the same equal chance we get to die.

“I don’t think you should die until you’re ready. Until you’ve wrung out every last bit of living you can.”

About two months ago a friend and almost like family member very dear to my heart passed away and only a couple of days later I got the saddest news in my life time I’d never thought Id face, and the truth I was mad. I was mad to see such a beautiful, smart loving women leave us! I was so mad to see such wonderful people suffer with the pain in their aching hearts! Mad to see a mother cry, children suffer from the hurt, so many people to still love her and in need to have her by their side were crying and hurting for the lost of such angel and I couldn’t do anything but be there for them… and even than I knew that this was not enough. Then as I’m sitting there trying to be strong and support her loved ones I get a call that feels like a sequel of a movie of the journey I just traveled with these people and I cant stop myself from letting go! From being mad to super angry from wanting to see god in the face and say “What the hell is your problem! Why are you taking them from us!”

and I cried my heart out and I screamed for days and I wanted answers and I said “Why is this stupid disease even on this planet?” “Who the hell is responsible? Bring him/her here so I can destroy them with my bare hands!”

I was so hurt, in so much pain and over all I still had faith in god and I begged him “Please lord if you have ever heard me before heel our hearts from the situation we can no longer control and give us strength for the one that is coming our way”

The truth is I knew better than to blame anyone including god for this, I knew better than to loose faith but I felt on the edge. The truth what made me so mad is that I felt so helpless, useless to it all and all I wanted to do was fix it and I couldn’t and still can’t….

People would tell me “Everything will be okay” and I wanted to curse at them and say ” How do you f%^$en know that!?” but at the same time I was telling others in pain that everything would be okay…

Because the truth is I know it will…

Because as beautiful somethings in life, on this planet can be; Like giving a hug, getting a kiss, sharing a laugh, falling in love, forgiving those you love and making a memory… This is NOT where we belong we are just temporary ordinary people living in a planet were we are building our road to the opening gates where we will be welcomed to join all our lost loved ones for eternal living.

And weather you believe in God, Budah, Jesus, The Easter bunny, a fairy, witches or even Satan… one thing is always true…

YOU only get as much as you can handle and your struggles are only what will build you and make you a better person than who you were yesterday.

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” -Unknown

Therefor as hypocrite as I may sound because I really cant help but loose it sometimes, I truly believe in this quote and know that I am strong and I know that I only get what I can handle and that there is a reason for everything and that god (in my case) will help me through it as it all falls back into place. I also know that all our loved ones are now watching over us as they may no longer be with us but will forever be in our memories and hearts till we meet again.

Thank you all again for reading;

kbeautifulmind

This blog is dedicated to all my friends and family who still hurt to the lost of auntie Debbie.

May you all find peace and know I am here for all of you, if you ever need anything, and remember she is smiling and watching over us as she waits to have us in her arms again.

Back to that same old place

Hello everyone;

I’m honestly not sure if I have any regular readers but If I do I’d like to thank you all for reading.

and If I have regular readers than you all know it has been a while since I have written, the truth I have been very busy with school and work and well just plain old life. As a matter of fact I should be doing homework right now but I really felt like writing,smile.

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

There is something I have been thinking about for these past days…

I have heard before that we are all destined to live our lives a certain way. I never been a believer of that…

I have always believed that you make your own destiny and what happens to you only happened to you as a result of a decision you made to get there.

I mean could it really be possible that we were born into this world to live a certain way and no matter what we do to try and change it, it will just fall right back into that “same old place”?

I can honestly say that I still do not believe that’s possible…

However sometimes life seems to feel this way…

I like all of us have some regrets in life as well as mistakes I know I have made but for the most part I have learned and asked for forgiveness and if not forgiven I forgave myself and tried to move forward. I also know that some of the worst things that have happened to me with time have to be my karma for any pain I have caused others and myself.

Could it be possible that it is all karma?

I mean there is nothing super awesome about me that makes me better than anyone else but I do know that even after all my flaws and personal issues I make a pretty cool human being and some people would be lucky to have me in their lives.

I still cannot help but feel like no matter how much I try to run away, ignore, or leave the presence of people who are negative, I keep coming back to that same old place. So of course that brings me back to myself and wondering if I’m that bad of a person to deserve such people by my side or if these are the kind of people I attract.

Than I think of my location and my future looks more blurry than it ever has it seems like every day I wake its just a repeat of yesterday and will only repeat its self again tomorrow…

Just back to that same old place…

I ALWAYS say I need to leave this town and eventually I will, I just need the courage to just pack my bags and go and start it all over where no one knows my name.

So till than this place may be the same old place but its definitely not the same old day and I just need to stay positive.

Even though times get hard, and the people by my side arn’t the most appreciative of having me by their side I think that I need for things to happen the way they do, so that I could open my eyes and learn. Learn, grow, and change. Everyday I get the chance to wake I get a chance at another day to better myself, and become the person I was meant to be.

and with this I leave you…

If you are reading this and you don’t feel like your getting anywhere or people around you arnt really appreciating you weather it is your boss, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sibling or even children do not feel like its your fault. Don’t let these hard times in your life make you feel like your not worth much or even like you deserve it just let it all be a reason to know that you will only continue to become a better YOU.

and that even if you are stuck in the same old place, times will get better and those who do not appreciate you might not be lucky enough to some day even know you.

Thank you for reading;

Kbeautifulmind