Month: January 2013

It doesn’t discriminate

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Today we are finishing session number two. This place reeks of alcohol, there is so many people here all of different colors, ethnicities, class, weight, and hight all with different stories and cancers.

You can see a person’s whole life in the cancer they get.

I’ve had a chance to talk to a couple of people…
This girl is my age 22 years old and has cancer, her name is Ann. I wanted to hug her she is so pretty, she lives in South Pasadena. She lost all her friends as soon as she let them know… She said “They always make excuses why we can’t hang out but my boyfriend keeps me busy” than she fell asleep…
This other man seems about 50 his white cells don’t come out “correctly” I didn’t catch the name of his cancer. Six years ago they gave him 3 months to live the doctor told him there was no hope, he responded “only god knows that one sir” and he said the doctor was so annoyed by his response… Now he is still alive coming in every two weeks for some medication that gets injected into his veins.
Another lady was crying I gave her a tissue and continue reading my book… She laughed and asked me ” You probably think I look stupid for crying?” I told her “No mam I understand your pain” so she told me… “You know… Finding out I had cancer was hard but I had strength and hope, as my chemo went on I felt stronger… Last week I was in what seemed my last chemo and the results came back saying “It didn’t work” just like that! All the crap they put into my body and it just didn’t work! Does that make any sense??????…. Well it doesn’t and here I am again…” I didn’t know what to say… Because it does suck and I wish these people weren’t going through this including my momma.
However it made me realize that when we got the news and I was asking god “Why her? Why us???” There was my answer the cancer does not discriminate, it didn’t pick the rich young girl for her class status, age, beauty and those things also didn’t save her from the disease. It didn’t purposely scare the man into thinking he had only 3 months left, the cancer also didn’t decide to just not work on the lady for her skin color or hight. The cancer didn’t walk around and say “I pick you and you and you too!” The cancer isn’t a karma, a payback, a gift… Sadly it’s just flat out BAD LUCK to some people and if you believe in god like my mother and I do… You’d say what she says… ” It’s just a test of faith.”
The truth I don’t know what this is or why it’s even made its way into our lives? I just pray that it brought its boxing gloves and a protecting mouth piece because we are going to fight it until it can’t get up anymore even if we are on the ground with it!
Thanks for reading;
kbeautifulmind

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Im right and your wrong and there is nothing you can do about it.

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“Argument is the peace you cannot seem to find with the discomforts with in yourself” -me

.I was arguing/debating with a friend the other night about a personal issue that was with in me, something that bothers me and as much as I feel I have let it go the fact that people are so ignorant to understand why when its brought up it upsets me… Is still a issue to me.
You know what I can not stand? Liars… You guys are probably thinking “Hypocrite” yes I am, because I have lied a couple of white lies and some big lies… However I personally hate liars and people who are full of bull and act so fake, I also hate pity and I feel like all of this comes from pity! People who can’t man up and let you know how it is…
However like I said I have done it And I am sure we all have so I feel that once you have failed at that step its time admit you were wrong, ask for forgiveness (if you want it) and show the person you lied to it will never happen again! However sadly this world dosnt work that way, reason why our political parties could never come together as one, why parents and teenagers have never ending drama, and also the reason why AMAZING relationships go down the drain.
So arguments will continue with people as long as they need to until someone steps up to the plate and lets it go… No matter how much a person may be mad, seem like they hate you, tell you your worthless, no matter what… If you step down from the argument accept their decisions/answers, then the better you can live with yourself.
You see expertise isn’t really necessary in order to present a valid argument or intelligent opinion. The necessity here is maturity. After all people don’t say “If you want to show a good impression to someone be mature and polite and never argue about religion or debate” for no reason; Why is that? Because arguments get you no where! They strap you down to your seat filled with drama from the past or a “in the moment” issue that in a couple of hours like the past won’t mean anything!
Best way to fix this…
Let go of whatever is bothering you “forgive others like you’d like to be forgiven if ever in their shoes”
Let it go and work on it on your own for dealing with someone else’s mouth and trying to get them to realize or understand is pointless.
Last but not least if you cant forgive let it go.
Sincerely;
Kbeautifulmind

Promise Yourself

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When you are feeling down, disappointed, and helpless make yourself a promise like I do, allow yourself reassurance and remind your self to have faith that all will fall back into place…
My promise to myself:

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”-Unknown

Over the last 4 years I have had the most breakdowns and saddest moments but this poem right here is what keeps me motivated.

Inspired;
Kbeautifulmind

The perfect world

My Perfect World:

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If I could summarize for you guys the idea of a perfect world to me would be a world released from hate and pain, a world with lessons of life to better you, a world with out fears and enough peace, hope and faith for everyone to spare. A perfect world for me would be to be able to LIVE where death is an accident or naturally dying from age and not provoked from a disease, illness, or hate from other humans in our planet, a perfect world would be where as the equal chance we all get to live is the same equal chance we get to die.

“I don’t think you should die until you’re ready. Until you’ve wrung out every last bit of living you can.”

About two months ago a friend and almost like family member very dear to my heart passed away and only a couple of days later I got the saddest news in my life time I’d never thought Id face, and the truth I was mad. I was mad to see such a beautiful, smart loving women leave us! I was so mad to see such wonderful people suffer with the pain in their aching hearts! Mad to see a mother cry, children suffer from the hurt, so many people to still love her and in need to have her by their side were crying and hurting for the lost of such angel and I couldn’t do anything but be there for them… and even than I knew that this was not enough. Then as I’m sitting there trying to be strong and support her loved ones I get a call that feels like a sequel of a movie of the journey I just traveled with these people and I cant stop myself from letting go! From being mad to super angry from wanting to see god in the face and say “What the hell is your problem! Why are you taking them from us!”

and I cried my heart out and I screamed for days and I wanted answers and I said “Why is this stupid disease even on this planet?” “Who the hell is responsible? Bring him/her here so I can destroy them with my bare hands!”

I was so hurt, in so much pain and over all I still had faith in god and I begged him “Please lord if you have ever heard me before heel our hearts from the situation we can no longer control and give us strength for the one that is coming our way”

The truth is I knew better than to blame anyone including god for this, I knew better than to loose faith but I felt on the edge. The truth what made me so mad is that I felt so helpless, useless to it all and all I wanted to do was fix it and I couldn’t and still can’t….

People would tell me “Everything will be okay” and I wanted to curse at them and say ” How do you f%^$en know that!?” but at the same time I was telling others in pain that everything would be okay…

Because the truth is I know it will…

Because as beautiful somethings in life, on this planet can be; Like giving a hug, getting a kiss, sharing a laugh, falling in love, forgiving those you love and making a memory… This is NOT where we belong we are just temporary ordinary people living in a planet were we are building our road to the opening gates where we will be welcomed to join all our lost loved ones for eternal living.

And weather you believe in God, Budah, Jesus, The Easter bunny, a fairy, witches or even Satan… one thing is always true…

YOU only get as much as you can handle and your struggles are only what will build you and make you a better person than who you were yesterday.

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” -Unknown

Therefor as hypocrite as I may sound because I really cant help but loose it sometimes, I truly believe in this quote and know that I am strong and I know that I only get what I can handle and that there is a reason for everything and that god (in my case) will help me through it as it all falls back into place. I also know that all our loved ones are now watching over us as they may no longer be with us but will forever be in our memories and hearts till we meet again.

Thank you all again for reading;

kbeautifulmind

This blog is dedicated to all my friends and family who still hurt to the lost of auntie Debbie.

May you all find peace and know I am here for all of you, if you ever need anything, and remember she is smiling and watching over us as she waits to have us in her arms again.