I’m so proud of you

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And everytime life got hard…
She kept swimming for her, she kept pushing for her, she wouldn’t give up for her.
She wanted her to continue to look down from where she was and see that she wasn’t giving up, and she was getting it all done, even if at times it was super hard.
She wanted her to look down and say…

“I’m so proud of you.”👭💕

Kbeautifulmind🌻

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Your job hasn’t started yet…

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Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you.

I can’t help and fall into a smile, as I think of how nice it would be to wake up tomorrow next to you.
I’d get to feel your skin oh so closely next to mine, and it would be so wonderful to wake up to those beautiful eyes.
I’d wake you up with kisses, with the desire to please you before you have to start your day.
With the sunrising outside our window I’d tell you “let me do the work, your job hasn’t started yet.”
You’d respond to me with pleasure and sounds of excitement in your throat, exploding through your erection, only concluding you to think about your morning for the rest of the day at work.

-Kbeautifulmind

My concept behind the value of relationships

When I was younger, I did not believe in 2nd chances.
The minute you crossed me or disrespected me…

1. I’d cut you off
2. You became the enemy
3. If you really pissed me off, I was probably trying to kick your ass. (I was crazy and lacked of maturity)

So many around me didn’t understand my concept, I even had someone once make fun and call me a “homie hopper.”

Then with time my concept changed a bit, if you are farely NEW in getting to know me I use the 3 strike rule…

Its simple…
3 strikes you’re out!

If you’re pass the 3 year mark, you don’t get 3 strikes, you go back to the first method ☝ (Don’t worry, I retired from fighting, I now have karma handle my light weight.)

Anyway till this day my concept doesnt make sense to a lot of people, I had a friend tonight ask me…

“Why? Why do you go about relationships this way?”
And well this was my answer.

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If I let you into my life and allow you to know me, it’s a privilege.
God didn’t choose you for me, or else we’d share blood and I’d call you family.
Instead I call you friend or lover because God put you in my path, but I chose that you could stay.
Therefor I voluntarily decided to allow myself to trust you, open up to you, show you and share with you who I am, and let you in with out any boundaries.
I have let you see me naked(If you’re a lover emotionally and physically), inside and out.
If you’ve been around for years and our involvement has increased, so have my expectations and the value I give you.
If all of a sudden you decide to betray me, hurt me, cheat me, or lie to me.
Don’t expect forgiveness or for me to understand why you did it.
In my eyes and beliefs, there is no excuse and or reason good enough that you can give me that will make any sense.
Seeing that you know me so well by now and what I represent, yet you still didn’t care enough to consider my feelings, only shows me my worth and what I actually mean to you.

-Kbeautifulmind

-Kbeautifulmind

I was her treasure

Growing up as the oldest of four, I always got the shit end of the stick.
If my mom was stressed I heard it first.
If something wasn’t done, it was my fault.
If things were not how they should be, she’d question me.
I watched my mom struggle her entire life and to me, she was my hero.
I admired her for going through so much and never giving up.
However I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I was the cause for all of it.
Maybe had my father succeeded in drowning me at age five, had her life been so much easier?
As I got older it only got worse, if my sister acted up or my brother’s cried…
Some how I got yelled at.
I got told…
“I’m so tired of this, why don’t you guys listen. One of these days I’m going to be gone and you will all regret not appreciating me!!!”
I learned with time to just stay quite, I’d let her vent and just listened.
However, deep down inside I would hurt for her.
I would hurt because I knew life was hard for her and I could see how life would try to push her down and defeat her all the time, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I knew it wasn’t us, it was life that had just been so unfair to her.
Yet I wanted to yell back so many times saying,
“Can you shut the hell up!!! I do appreciate you, you have no idea how much! If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t want to be better then I am, and strive to have more then I’ve ever had.”
But I would just stay quite.
Sometimes we would fight over the stupidest things…
Money
School
Boys
Friend’s
Clothes
Seriously dumb, dumb, random stuff.
I’d come home and if she was stressed out she’d vent to me.
She’d yell, kick me out, told me when are you going to leave your too old to be living here with me.
To me then it sounded like blaming, and it cofused me because I couldn’t understand how it was my fault?
But later I saw they were cries of help, cries of help to me her oldest daughter and friend.
As I got older and after high school we learned to stress together, to vent but not attack each other, to scream, cry or sing if we wanted to let it out, but to not let it out on each other.
We learned to recognize the team we had always been.
However there was something I just couldn’t get her to do, and that was show emotion.
She rarely told me…
“I’m proud of you”
“You’re doing great”
“I love you”
Until she got diagnosed.
When she was diagnosed is when my mom learned how much I loved her and admired her.
My mom saw that I was never against her, but that I was with her.
She began to slowly apologize for being so hard on me, and for taking me for “granted.”
But what she didn’t know is how much more I appreciated her for all of it.
I wouldn’t be who I am today if she hadn’t pushed me to be strong.
Unfortunately I still felt disappointed in myself.
I had this plan my whole life and it wasn’t following through.
I hadn’t finish school yet, I didn’t have my career job yet, I wasn’t super wealthy, I couldn’t find the best doctors to treat her, I couldn’t grant her final wishes, I couldn’t take her to travel the world and see places she had always desired to see.
I felt as if God was taking her from me without letting me make her proud, without letting me repay her for all the hard times she lived just to raise me.
I felt like a failure.
I just needed her to see me graduate, to see me succeed, I NEEDED to make her proud.
Today my mom’s friend called me.
I had not spoken to him since my mom passed away, a year ago.
He wanted to see how I was doing and then told me…
“I have to tell you, your mom told me you were her treasure. That she admired you so much and was so proud of you and your kind heart. She told me, “Even when I yell at her, or take out my stress on her she doesn’t give up on me. I know she loves me and will stick through this right by my side.”

I began to cry, but tears of joy.
Tears of joy because I was grateful to know that even though we didn’t make it to Ireland or a tropical place, and I didn’t exactly get to “repay” her for all she had done for me…
She was proud of me.
She was truly proud of me.
And that let me know, I had succeeded as her daughter.

-Kbeautifulmind

Until we meet again

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Every time I smile,
Every time I cry,
I think of your face, and the thoughts escape my mind.
“What would it be like if you were still here, if we had won our battle and could now be stress free?”
You were my world,
Two parents in one,
My soft mom to cry with, and my tough dad to punish me when I was wrong.
My inspiration for my future, and the faith in my heart.
But now that you’ve left me, it can be so hard not to fall apart.
You were my best friend,
My one true role model in this life,
And that’s not all you were,
You were also my mom.
You were always my strength when I lost hope, therefor at times now I feel weak and alone.
You showed me right from wrong, and made sure I never lost my kind heart and always stayed humble.
And when times got hard, I knew I’d be okay because you gave me strength to hold and push on.
When I was afraid, you’d remind me that together we could face anything.
No one else could do what you’ve done for me.
I never imagined a day like this, where I’d have to live with out you and lose my team.
But if there is anyone I want to make proud, it’s you my dear mom.
So I’ll wipe off my tears and put on a smile, as I try to always remind myself you’re still here in my heart.

“Until we meet again” – Maricela Arellano Lopez

-Kbeautifulmind

Set her free

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I held her hand as her color changed.
The change in her face told me it was time to say goodbye.
A last breath as I watched her die, her body finally releasing it’s self from all of the pain.
I stroked her hair and caressed her pretty face, I couldn’t believe I was losing the driving force in my life.
I quietly whispered…
“What am I going to do with out you by my side?”
I knew her answer, but I just needed to hear it one more time.
I couldn’t face that I would never hear her voice again.
I looked at her with hope, hope that she’d open those beautiful eyes again.
I needed her to see the pain I held inside.
Maybe then, she wouldn’t leave.
Maybe she could then ask God to allow her to stay with me.
I watched those around me shed their tears, saw the look in the face of my siblings as they drowned in their sorrow and fear.
I wondered if they knew I was dying in side?
I felt like a failure, for this was the first battle her and I had actually lost.
I asked her in thoughts…
“Didn’t you say it would all be okay?”
This is not okay…
There is an agony growing in side of me, at the thought that I will no longer have my best friend here to take on life with me.
One last time I kissed her face, and gave her hand a tight squeeze.
I wanted to carry her away and keep her, yet I knew it was time to set her free.

-Kbeautifulmind