A year ago…

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Most of the time we as humans just go day by day with out appreciating life and realizing how time flys by.
The only time we notice how fast time has gone is when someone’s birthday comes up, some kind of anniversary, or someone dearly to us passes away.

I use to be like that, I had my usual prayers “may god protect my family, loved ones and friends from all bad and evil blah blah blah” but I never really thought about it, I didnt sit there to think that I might go to bed and might wake up to tragic news or may not even wake up at all.

Until a year ago today…

I was at a loved ones funeral, I stood at the burial listening to the soothing music playing in the back ground and I began to sing along because it was one of my mother’s favorite songs. With tears in my eyes I began to watch everyone else around me crying with such hurt because they were either the sister, brother, son, daughter, grandson, granddaughter, cousin, friend, niece or nephew of this wonderful lady and they all had to say good bye with hope to see her again someday. The one person who broke my heart the most was the mother, her cry yelled her hurt and pain. After all she had already barried 3 of her children. I’ve always heard the saying “A mother or father never wants to bury a child” and I understood the sadness behind it but watching this lady hurt so much made me understand the meaning of it. It broke my heart to pieces, I felt such a heavy burden because I just wanted to help her but there was no way I could.

In that moment I began to think about my mom who at the time was in the hospital trying to get better from a “pneumonia”. Last I heard they were going to get some test results that day and we could take her home. As I thought about her I told god “This might not be the right time or place but I just want to say Thank you, that you’ve yet to put me through this and I pray you wait a very very long time for that because this is so painful that I couldn’t imagine loosing my mother or a sibling.”

I just needed to thank god because the woman who passed ment so much to me and even more to her immediate family. I couldn’t imagine how I would cry, act, feel if it was my mother or a sibling.

In that moment I began to realize how nice it was to still have my family here to hear, hold, kiss and even fight with.

After all the tears and hugs, we headed out for a reception in honor of the deceased where they would play music, a clip with many pictures and memories and have a bunch of yummy food. I honestly already had no appetite and seeing the pictures made me more sad that she was gone. However, I knew I had to be strong because I was there to support a lot of people I had grown to care about.

As I began to eat a bit and watch the beautiful memorabilia they made, my phone rang…

It was my mother, I was waiting for her call because she promised to call me as soon as they gave her the results of the exams.

I’ll never forget this moment…

“Hello?”
“Hi mija the results are in…”
“What did they say?”
“Kelsey, don’t cry, don’t get mad, and try to relax…”

Tears had already started running down my eyes to my cheeks…

“What mom!? Tell me already…”

“I have Lung Cancer… Stage 4…”

“What!?”

I cried and I cried and I cried I was so mad I couldn’t understand why and how god could do this to us…

I could hear her as she began to sob her self and said “Kelsey I told you not to cry!!!”

All I could say was “Come on mom…”

After we hung up I was so mad I was standing in the back of the building by a door and I felt as if life was crashing down on me, I couldn’t breath I tried to catch some air but I felt myself having an anxiety attack my stomach was turning and all I could taste was the salty tears running down my face into my mouth…

I was hugged by those around me including the mother of the deceased who told me “Look at me! We don’t know why god does these things but what we do know is he only gives us what we can handle, you must be strong for your mother she needs you more then she has ever needed you right now…” I could hear everything everyone was telling me including what she said but I was not comprehending like it was in another language! I was surrounded by all these loving people but in that moment I felt alone in my mind asking god “What the hell is your problem? Why my family after all we have gone through?”

Now, a year later I honestly don’t understand how we have done it. But I do understand what the lady said when she told me “we are only given what we can handle” and I finally comprehend even if I hate to accept it. I am so emotional because I honestly did not think my mom would see another Thanksgiving or Holiday Season. I am so so happy and so grateful that she is here with us and I pray to god, now that I’ve made peace with him again and apologized for attacking him that he please keep her here with me for many more years to come and continue to help her be strong so that she could fight on.

I am also grateful and appreciate all those wonderful people that were by my side the minute our family found out. We were forced to welcome cancer into our lives as I was trying to support another family who had just lost a loved one to cancer. But if I had not had them there by my side I wouldn’t have been okay. I am also thankful for those that have stayed by my side until today.

Day by day nothing may change but when you look back everything is different, we must take a minute and appreciate today so that we don’t find ourselves looking back with regret.

Spreading my hope and faith to all of you,
Kbeautifulmind

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