Month: August 2014

A promise to my goddaughter

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Today is my niece’s 1st Birthday! I’ll never forget the day her mommy told me she was pregnant. I freaked out!!!
I was very up set with her and could not believe what I was hearing. Instead of being her friend and listening I turned into an angry big sister/mom. I told her she was such a dummy and if she had not learned enough from everything we suffered growing up in a house hold where we didn’t have much not even enough time with our momma.
I told her… “Do you not remember all we had to do? Pretty much raising ourselves because she had to go to work all the time? You can’t bring a baby into this world right now! Look at what you guys have to offer “her”… NOTHING!”
And even though my sister was annoyed she said she knew a lecture was coming when she told me. All she did was find humor in it and said “So you think it’s a Her?”
I could have killed her in that moment, always so dam stubborn.
However even though I thought I was right, I now see I wasn’t.
And I’d like to take this moment to say sorry. Not just to my sister but to my niece who I love so much. I’m sorry pretty girls.

Dear Audrina,
Happy 1st Birthday!🎉🎀
I love you very much and I could never imagine life with out you. I remember the day god brought you into this world like it was yesterday. First of all you kept us waiting like crazy, I remember spending the whole night up waiting for you to arrive and you never came, finally as I was coming back to the hospital from the first day of school your gamma called me to tell me you were on your way! I drove like a crazy lady and rushed to the hospital. I made it just in time as they came out to tell us you were finally here. I felt like a new little piece of hope, love, happiness and joy filled my heart and I knew right then and there as I looked into your beautiful (yet very swollen) eyes that I was going to love you more then anyone I’ve ever loved before. You were my niece and I was so happy that you were here. As you’ll know when you are old enough to understand we as a family were going through alot when we found out about you. Gamma (Nana) was very sick and is now no longer with us but I honestly  am so glad the Lord has put you in our lives to help us find peace and happiness with your silliness and to warm our hearts with all your love😍
I don’t have much to offer you (yet) but I promise I will be the best Nina you will ever have. Like I promised Grandma before she left us; I will always protect you, help you to the best of my ability with anything you need, love you no matter what you do or don’t do, and make sure you always know how beautiful and important you are. I promise to always try and lead you down the right path. I also promise to always help you, listen and understand you in case you make any mistakes. I promise you that as long as I live you will always have a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on.
But most of all I promise to love you with all my heart and soul.
I love you mucho Drina-winnaa, mi bolita de masita, mi gorda preciosa💕
Your favorite Auntie;
Kelsey🌻

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What will you do?

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Today is my last day of summer vacation. I guess you can say it’s not exactly the summer vacation my little brothers get or the kind I use to get back when I was in grade school. The cat naps, waking up when you wanted, going to bed as late as you wanted (I can’t even count how many all nighters my little brother Kevin pulled playing video games) eating what you wanted and doing what you wanted for about 2-3 months. I’ve been working since high school and I’ve juggled two jobs now since 2008. Time just flies by way to fast sometimes. Without even realizing it minutes, hours, and days are just passing. When you’re so caught up on your career and your future, things just keep moving on.
We’ve been fortunate enough to keep ourselves busy- I say fortunate because we’re trying our best to block out and not paying attention to the tough times we are currently living. It’s now been four months since my momma left this life. Being busy makes the toughest times seem not so bad. This summer I can honestly say I did alot; 4 concerts one more to come, 6 Dodger games, a couple visits to Six Flags (I am a pass holder), at least 6 nights out dancing, out door movie nights, small gatherings,  dinner dates, game nights, 1 dinner party/kick back hosted by me, a trip to Texas and a couple other outings including my birthday celebrations! But some how I always manage to go back to that day she left us and it breaks my heart everytime.
They say time heels all, and it’s only been four months but I don’t think anything will ever feel the same again.
Because everything reminds me of her and this emptiness I feel could never be filled.
However I was thinking to myself the other night as I laid in bed (missing her of course since we spend the last 2 years sleeping together because I was afraid she would choke) and I thought to myself how can I move forward?
I thought of the fact that my brothers have been so disrespectful the whole “You are not our mom” phase has kicked in and I am so stressed out at times. I thought about how in only a couple of days (starting tomorrow) I’ll be juggling school, 2 jobs and 2 teenagers…. and I wanted to run away in that moment! Then the thinking happened and I started to tell myself…
“Be positive!”
“Breath!”
“Her death can’t make you give up! How will you represent her? Honor her? Make her proud?”
Although alot of people have told me I am doing a good job already, in that moment I decided I need to do more, I need to try and be positive and I need to raise her children right….
I need to be the Super Women she was.
So with that in mind I know that as of today there is 230 days left to this year. I’m going to try and be positive everyday, live life, find peace and represent my mother as the fighter and Super Women she ro modeld for 46 years. I’m going to focus on making myself be happy again, be healthier, and feel over all better because I know that’s what she would want! (Because she told me this in a letter)

So what are you going to do?
We are all living different life circumstances but I want to advise you all to make the 230 days count! Keep pushing yourself, keep yourself busy, and keep your head high as you welcome positivity in to your life. Good things will come out of it all, guaranteed.

Remembering that no storm is forever;
Kbeautifulmind