Month: April 2014

Do not negotiate with him…

The day after my mom had the “tamales” talk with me, she made the decision to put a stop to all treatment. They had just finished radiation in the body parts that had been first exposed and they were getting ready to start on the head. Since the radiation started she couldn’t eat, poop, or function properly. She was officially sick, she looked sick and excuse my mouth but she also felt like shit. We went to her doctors appointment that morning and after the check up, questions and small talk she told the doctor; “I want to stop, I can’t do it any more.” In shock the doctor just said “I know its hard, and I understand but it’s now in your head?” And she replied to him… “I know but that is okay, I want to leave my life in the hands of god. I’m really sick doctor and I rather spend 10 good days being able to function with my kids and spend those last days happy with them then 30 in a bed where I can’t even stand myself.” In that moment I felt like she was already dying. After the talk of the night before and now this it felt like this was it. I cried and I cried, asking god; “Please, please let me have her a little longer”
The next day, we were at our house talking with a friend that came by and she had said “That’s right Maricela! Only the lord knows when he will be ready for us” Thinking out loud I said “I just hope he leaves her a little while longer…”
and then she told me; “Don’t negotiate with him! Don’t ask him please god one more month? Year? Two or Three?”
I said… “I know but I don’t want to ask for too much?”

and she told me “Nothing is too much for our lord, miracles do exist and as long as you talk to him and ask him he’ll listen, tell him not to take her yet. Tell him I understand you need her but I need her too and I want her here with me for a much longer time!”

In that moment I realized she was right? Why was I telling god “Please let me have her for a little longer” when truly I wanted her here for a long long time!

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and in that moment I realized she was right… so that night I told him and begged him to please make her feel better. I asked him to please let me have her for a really long time and please please cure her god, if you are up there and can hear me, please cure my mom lord, please.

With a stronger faith then yesterday,
Kbeautifulmind

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“And don’t forget you have to keep making my Tamales”

I haven’t blogged in a while, I just haven’t had much energy for anything. I guess you can say I been a little emo but it’s just so hard to be positive all the time when you see your hero, the queen of your world and your best friend not doing so well. My momma has a lot going on with this dam Cancer that has begun to rapidly spread. She was in the hospital last week and even though they did a couple of things that have really helped her, the doctors have now gave us that “any day now… you must be ready…” talk. And I am mad again, a bit mad with God because a part of me wants to blame him. A bit mad that I can’t do anything to heel her, and a bit mad that her time could come any time soon and it’s just flat out not fair!
I mean it just makes no sense, why would my lord take the only parent I’ve ever had, the one that’s always been here for me, my best friend!
Does he not know I still need her?
We all still need her? My youngest brother is only 11! Does she not get to meet his first girlfriend? Or see either of her boys graduate high school?
Who in this world is going to walk me down the aisle someday? I have a wonderful godfather and uncles but no one would make me as happy as she would if I had her by my side! What about my graduation? One of her dreams is to see me graduate from college!?
And what about my kids? Why does only Audrina (my niece) get to meet her awesome grandma? And also why doesn’t my mom get to stick around to see Audrina grow?
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And most of all! She isn’t even ready to go! She has told me that she told god her self “I am not afraid or anything but I’m not ready to die yet”

So my question is WHY, WHY and WHY???

None of it makes sense and I have realized that dwelling on it won’t change things. I mean do I wish god would answer my prayers and send me a miracle? Well yes of course. But I need to try really, really hard to not dwell. It’s making me angry and grouchy and I always have a headache now in days and that’s not good!
My mom was freaking me out a bit yesterday because she wasn’t looking so good. She just started radiation on her head, she has these big soars and burns on her butt from the radiation on her tail bone that hurt so much that she can’t even poop comfortably. She weighs 88 pounds and they come in every other day to drain the liquid from her lung that leaves her in so much pain! She said it feels like she is getting her heart and lungs sucked out, because it’s like a little vacuum.
So in pain and all she began to talk to me last night, it was almost like she was saying good bye but not exactly she spoke to me about what she wants to take care of and begin to prepare. She told me she wants to be creamated even if it’s not really the “Catholic” thing to do. She told me what she wanted me to tell her siblings the ones she won’t get to see before she goes (there is 16 of them). Then she began to tell me how she would want us to live our life with out her. She told me to always take care of her boys and try not to fight with them no matter how annoying and messy they are… “If you speak to them nicely and calm they will help you” She said she was really sorry for leaving me all the baggage, but that she felt I was the only one who could handle it because no matter how much of a cry baby I am… “You are just like me, my strength will live on, in you” She told me to live my life and follow my heart, she said “I see the way Chris looks at you and he loves you but no matter what always make sure YOU are happy with your life, don’t just cruise through life until you die, make sure to live! Make sure to love deeply and be happy!”
and, well she said a couple of other things…
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She finally ended the conversation with…
Oh yeah, last but not least “You have to keep making my tamales! I don’t know why but people love those things! And follow every step I gave you and NEVER, EVER make Tamales mad or in a negative mood, they will come out “agrios” (sour/bad) also learn to make mole because your boyfriend loves my mole! And I know you love your Arros con Leche gorda so learn to make that too!” Finally we were getting ready to say good night and she said “I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, I know I need to be stronger but if you could feel this, I would never wish it on anyone, it is so so so painful”

Even though it was nice to have that talk, I couldn’t help but continue and ask god, why?….

Still wishing for a miracle,
Kbeautifulmind