Month: May 2013

The day Im a mother

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If I wanted to I know I could be a great mother now. Thanks to my mom my instincts and methods have cultivated through the years from watching such a wonderful person be an amazing mother. If your a regular reader you may know that my mother is amazing, she is currently fighting a stage four lung cancer and god knows it has been real hard. However she hasn’t allowed it to take over her life and change who she truly is.
My mom is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother Im going to be a great one.
Through her I have learned a lot.
She has taught me kindness and tolerance for all humans, and situations. Through her I have learned to be positive. I have learned to be strong teaching me that there is nothing that can destroy me for if tomorrow comes it will be a hole new day. I’ve learned to be open to new learnings and to always take in the new knowledge with a positive attitude. She taught me to love, hard and long, and to never give up and always continue to fight for anything or anyone as long as I never loose focus of my value and what I deserve. She role modeled to always listen to my instincts and to not be afraid of doing so. She taught me to have confidence and that no matter what others say or have, I will always find something better within me that will make me proud of being who I am. She’s taught me to always be helpful as Ive watched her open her heart and friendly services to many people; from advising others to do the right thing to a simple favor like giving someone a ride somewhere. I have to say she has to be the greatest friend anyone could ever have.
Over the years our relationship as many mother daughter relationships has had its up and downs. However I can say we never fell too far apart to stop talking and we always found our selves running back to each other. To be more specific wed be “fighting” and shed still call me every 15 minutes. Trust to my mom is a BIG DEAL she values the trust she gives to others and if you break it; that’s it. My mom has always been the perfect mother; never to strict or too careless. She always allowed me to choose my own path and how I wanted to live my life, still trusting me that I would do the right thing. Being trusted has made me never want to disappoint her.
As a twenty-two year old adult now, still not ready for any children of my own I would say the day Im ready Ill be more than ready. I can say for the future and even now I have had the best mentor. Having such a wonderful role model and such a strong individual believe in me and have faith in me has inspired me to be the best ME and someday mother of my own that I could ever be.
I love you mommy,
Happy Mothers DayđŸ’•
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

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If I won the lottery

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I can not sleep and I have work all day tomorrow so that’s not good…
I was fine just laying here in bed, I have a big bed so ever since we found out about my moms cancer we sleep together I sleep to one side and she sleeps to the other with plenty of space for like a third person. I sleep with her because I feel safer this way knowing Im right by her side in case of anything…
Than I bothered to look over and I noticed she fell asleep and looks very uncomfortable with like five pillows keeping her half up like she is almost sitting down and I know its because she can’t really breath sometimes. We told the doctor but he said her lungs sound fine I don’t know what the issue is and its driving me nuts!
So I began to think of when my mom and I use to say “What would we do if we won the lottery someday?”
By the way we never play it is so rare but once in a blue moon we would each get a dollar and buy a ticket and wed always say what we would do…
She would say “I would open up a business something where I could help out alot of people, not just people I know but alot alot of people Id probably buy a house and pay off all our debt and bills so that we never stress again”

I use to say “I would buy you a house and myself one, Id also buy you a restaurant, pay/give you back all the money you have used to do stuff for me and Id go on a big shopping spree as well as go to real poor areas of the world and help them out.”
Man we were dorks… But we dreamed funny probably not what we would do exactly…
and tonight I sit here feeling like I was starting to have an anxiety attack wondering again why my lord oh lord is my mom sick at age 45 with a un curable lung cancer?
Im also thinking of what we would say to each other if we asked again “What we would do if we won the Lottery?”

If I won the lottery I would pay for my mom to see the best doctors on this planet, get thousands of other opinions and if I cant find the cure find something to pro long her life for a very very long time, I would be able to give her that good rest of her life Ive always wanted and take her on trips, help her relax! I would help her breath, eat, sleep, live… oh god Id give my life for her…
Again I ask why her? Why my super woman?
Late night post;
Kbeautifulmind

Doctors appointment

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We went to see the doctor today…
He checked her out told her she looked great and her lungs sounded perfect!
He reviewed the results of the chemo with us which we already knew had shrunk the tumor by 25 percent but had still spread do to some very small spotting which they assumed was part of the mass from the tumor.
He gave us the options which is a daily mouth medicine which can pro long her life and bone medication to make her bones stronger and slow the cancer from spreading through them…
Than she asked the doctor if she could go back to work and he told her “…from a personal perspective yes you can do anything you want! But as a doctor I don’t know if you want to work because this thing will only get worse with time and there will come a point when you might not even be able to get out of bed so I suggest enjoy the freedom and just relax….”
First thing I thought was… “It’s easy for him to say because he is obviously financially stable…”
Than the other thing was where I started to speak to god and asking him again “Why her lord?”
and maybe Im being a little selfish because I should know she’s not the only one sick in this world and there is people worse off.
However it breaks me, it tares me apart to think that she will eventually be feeling horrible pain that I won’t be able to sooth or cure.
All my siblings along with myself have seen our struggles and how hard this woman has worked just to have a roof over our heads and to put food on the table. However as the oldest I feel like Ive seen it all and more Ive seen her get mad, cry, and sometimes almost ready to give up and she amazes me how well she can put her self right back together and keep pushing! She says I have that characteristic of hers, her strength but when I see how strong she is Im not sure if I do because I am so sensitive. I don’t see her strength in me she makes me look like a baby compared to her.
Right now Im hurting Im trying so hard to be strong and hide it but Im hurting and Ill admit Im a bit scared for what will come.
However my faith is so strong and I know my lord hears me and I know that everything happens for a reason but I believe in his power and I know he knows how much we still need her. I really hope he hears my cry every day and knows how much I still need her here so I can give her the world and continue to make her proud.
I know that death is apart of life and please believe I as well as my mom and Im sure most people would like to go to heaven but I don’t feel most of us want to go yet. I have accepted that someday god will have her by his side as she watches over us and sits along with her father and other loved ones but I need her here still, I just ask for more time to be able to enjoy her love and persona and I pray he hears me.
We went to see her doctor today and boy was it hard, I just pray my lord hears me.
Thank you for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

What truly matters

“You are beautiful no matter what they say”

I never been one to care for judgment, weather I was called ugly or fat, or pretty and sexy. The truth my appearance has always been more of a personal thing the only thing that I kept to myself. I can honestly say I get ready for me, and it is so personal that I even prefer to shop alone.

However I have my moments when I see girls that are thinner and that’s my weakness… ha ha.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

I always thought this saying was very funny, however my feelings on this subject are mutual.

You see… If its someone that I don’t know or have any feelings for, well it doesn’t matter to me what they have to say I actually find it very funny and I cant help but laugh.

But when it comes to someone that I truly care about, someone who holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances anything can hurt my feelings. But I’ll admit Im so fast at brushing it off and moving forward.
A “wise” guy once told me I was a horrible person and a manipulator always trying to mold people to my own ways and so selfish that I would let go of some of the “BEST” friendships I could have ever had…
I actually let this get to me I was so sad I truly began to wonder if I was that bad of a person.
For a while I thought I really couldn’t keep friends since I no longer had a big “group” of oh so wonderful people by my side, and I thought of the people that were around for short terms and said maybe I did screw that up? But than one day it clicked…. I had met a girl who I thought would be my friend for a long time and she got upset and didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I couldn’t make it to an event do to work one night, that night I told myself “Oh god I really can’t keep friends can I?” And laughed it off because I didn’t realize I already have the best friends I could ever ask for. You see the wise guy was talking about a group of people who were never my friends, two quote on quote “good friends” One of them was a bit selfish and without realizing it used me to give her rides and to cover up for her while the hole time I just truly needed her to listen to me and support me. The other a true emotional reck who envied everything others had and accidentally called me with out knowing as she talked bad about me in the back ground ha ha yeah some friend! Now the hater who wanted my life/relationship is claiming to be “Best Friends” with this wise guy? Than as I left that life behind me than came the girl who ended up being a back stabbing big ol’ slut than came another girl who was mad because little old me had to work. But the best part of it all is that Ive had my good friends by my side all along a handful of people with class, strength, ambition to succeed and the ability to understand and know that we can no longer have sleep overs and talk on the phone about boys/girls and clothes all day and that sometimes we might go days or months with out talking but that no matter what our friendship is as true as the land we walk on everyday.
Today my mom said to me “You know hun I remember not so long ago you were an emotional reck in serious believe that god was punishing you do to stupid things in life that had no worth! And after we found out about my cancer I feel like you have really changed for the better at not allowing the smallest things bother you even if they are said by someone who owns your heart or is/was a big part of your life. You have always been this strong I just feel like you had lost it and I can truly say this is the strongest and most confident Ive ever seen you in a long time!”
The truth I have found to know that when friendships, relationships or just life it’s self falls upon you and tares you apart (so it seems) it doesn’t mean that your a “horrible” person it just means that your a picky person, someone who knows her/his value and what you deserve still going out of your way to giving the opportunity to people to change and if they don’t than let them free to do and be who they please.
I wouldn’t call that trying to mold people…
I could be wrong, but what I do know is that when you give your life, trust, and unconditional love to those people in your life and all you want is the same thing… It really isn’t that much to ask for, its actually what truly matters.
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind