image

With a new day comes new strength

-Kbeautifulmind

Advertisements

“If Roses grow in Heaven”

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother’s arms
and tell her they’re from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there’s an ache within my heart
that will never go away.
-Unknown

Happy Mother’s day Mommy, I love you and miss you very much♡
Life with out you sucks and I still can’t seem to accept it. I’m trying to be strong like you asked me to, I really am trying my very best.
But the truth it’s really hard.
I miss you dearly.
I cry in the car, at work and before I go to bed and sometimes even in my sleep. I know I shouldn’t be crying because I am probably making you sad but I just can’t help it. I wish you were still here, I wish god had seen that I still need you.
They say you are no longer in pain and that makes me happy but my question is what was god thinking giving you that pain in the first place?
They say you are here in spirit but I want you here in person.
I’m sorry I am not as strong as you said I’d be, till we meet again♡
R.I.P Best Friend, te quiero muchisimo!
July 12th, 1967 – April 22nd, 2014

image

Your Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

My First Mother’s Day…

image

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others,but whose place no one else can take.”

A year ago today, I wrote a blog in dedication to my mommy on Mother’s Day. I’d stated how wonderful she was and how thanks to her someday I’d be a great mom. Today is Mother’s Day and unfortunately my mommy is no longer with us.
A lot of Friend’s and Family that knew the strenght of my bond with my mom and how much she means to me, have been contacting me telling me to pretty much “Hang in there” and I am trying…
I’m doing okay because I am at work but once business slows down I feel my eyes tearing up. I really miss her…
One of my friend’s text me this morning saying, “Happy Mother’s Day Kelsey… you adopted two boy’s and a girl, enjoy the day today. I know your mom wouldn’t want it any other way!”
As I started my day I let that text sink in. I began to think about my post I wrote last year. I almost felt weird because this was not the first mother’s day I pictured…
I pictured my first Mother’s Day somewhere down the future with a husband and a fairly new born baby boy/girl in my arms. Never did I think it would be along side with two boy’s of age 11 and 15 and a 20 year old young lady that has a 8 month old baby of her own!
Sadly my friend was right, I now have to take on the responsibility of being like a mother to these stinkers because I am all they have and well we all only have each other!
In my blog last year I said…
“My mother is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother I’m going to be a great one…”
Even though I still do not have any children of my own and I have only been watching over my siblings for twenty days now, I am hoping to make my mommy very proud as I now must keep all my promises and take over for her and be a mother to her children.

Happy Mother’s day in Heaven Mommy!

Missing you like crazy;
Kbeautifulmind

Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭

“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”

image

Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012

image

They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies  that were a success and she took them like a champ.

image

She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.

image

Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.

image

The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.

image

She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.

image

In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”

image

As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.

She was doing so good for about a month and a half.

image

On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.

image

We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…

But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.

image

I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.

image

My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.

I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.

Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.

image

She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.

I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.

image

image

image

image

          R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
       July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014

Until we meet again momma…

Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)