The other night…

I really believe that when some one passes away God gives them a pass sometimes to come back to earth when they are needed.

The signs we see, the things we run into, the dreams. 

They can’t just be concidense, can they? 

I truly don’t think so. 

Everyone always says, “They will always be with you.” and yeah you believe them to an extend but, it’s just not the same. 

You try so hard to believe that but, you find yourself looking for that person in other people. 

In your girl friends, in the mothers of others, and in everything you see and do. 

That little piece of your heart that’s now missing… is no where to be found. 

You look, you look, you try, and you try… 

But, nothing or anyone fills up that missing piece. 

The other night I realize, that no one will ever understand that. 

Specially not those who decide to be pitty and some how make your life about theirs. 

When someone that means so much to you passes away, not only does your life change or do you change… 

But, nothing will EVER be the same. 

And I have honestly discovered that this comes with good and bad. 

One good thing is that you are given a whole new pair of eyes. 

You learned to love and appreciate life, things, and most of all the people in your life. 

You find yourself telling those you love how much you love them constantly and even announcing it to the entire world. Not as a way of trying to be “annoying” or shove it in someone’s face… 

But, as a way of expressing yourself because you out of all people KNOW how short life truly is. 

The other night I realized that I shouldn’t be sorry for this. 

and… 

I also realized that, some people will never understand it. 

The other night I realized, that those we lose are truly always going to be there for us. 

I finally dreamed my mom after so long, and her words were as perfect as they’ve always been. 

“Don’t feel bad, there is nothing to be sorry for. Remember, God sees it all.” 

-Kbeautifulmind 

Set her free

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I held her hand as her color changed.
The change in her face told me it was time to say goodbye.
A last breath as I watched her die, her body finally releasing it’s self from all of the pain.
I stroked her hair and caressed her pretty face, I couldn’t believe I was losing the driving force in my life.
I quietly whispered…
“What am I going to do with out you by my side?”
I knew her answer, but I just needed to hear it one more time.
I couldn’t face that I would never hear her voice again.
I looked at her with hope, hope that she’d open those beautiful eyes again.
I needed her to see the pain I held inside.
Maybe then, she wouldn’t leave.
Maybe she could then ask God to allow her to stay with me.
I watched those around me shed their tears, saw the look in the face of my siblings as they drowned in their sorrow and fear.
I wondered if they knew I was dying in side?
I felt like a failure, for this was the first battle her and I had actually lost.
I asked her in thoughts…
“Didn’t you say it would all be okay?”
This is not okay…
There is an agony growing in side of me, at the thought that I will no longer have my best friend here to take on life with me.
One last time I kissed her face, and gave her hand a tight squeeze.
I wanted to carry her away and keep her, yet I knew it was time to set her free.

-Kbeautifulmind

The hand he deals you…

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“Everyone makes excuses for them.”
“They make excuses for themselves.”

“Life is just hard for them, they never get lucky with their cards.”

“God hates me”

“I was put in this world to suffer”

“Their love was tampered by life, they were delt the wrong set of cards.”

God never deals anyone the wrong set of cards, he gives you the perfect hand for your life and situation. It’s how you play the game that results if you win or lose it all.

Stop making excuses on why you couldn’t or can’t get through something.
Stop making excuses on why you’re making the hard times harder.
Stop making excuses for your bad decisions, or why you hurt someone, or why you disrespected them.
Stop making excuses on why you’re a shitty person and/or treat other’s like shit.

We are the cards in our own game, we decide how we play our hand and what results in it.
It won’t be a perfect game, there will be times where you will be down and times where you’ll be up.
You won’t always hold the higher hand in comparison to those around you, but your time will come and if you cherish what you have and play fair…

You always win.

-Kbeautifulmind

Not even an air bag can stop me…

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The other night I was in a great mood, on my way to wallmart to look for a new lunch pale, rocking out to country music, not on my phone or doing anything I shouldnt be doing while driving. Then all of a sudden this idiot decided to cut me off not realizing he was going way to fast for the traffic. He had to suddenly break and I don’t know what happened next. All I remember is trying to break, I guess I didn’t make it on time and my air bag popped directing towards my face but I been hit by an air bag before so I lifted my face as high as I could so that it wouldn’t get hit. I felt the hit right in my chest as I could smell and taste that nasty acidic powder that comes out of the air bag. I took a couple of seconds to make sure I was okay then it all hit me…

“F*&K MY CAR!! CRAP THAT HURT!! FREAKEN A-HOLE!”

I step out of my car and I just hear “F***, F***, F***!”

Still shocked I told him, “Sorry man, you shouldn’t have been speeding and I couldn’t break on time…”

He relaxed and we finished the process and of course according to the law; the accident was “my fault”.

So now my car is done! Who knows how much it’s going to cost to fix it, I only had liability insurance so I’m not covered… but he is so that’s good I guess, even though his car had like a scratch. I’m also alive, since the last time I got hit by an air bag my car flipped over and paramedics were shocked I wasn’t broken so that’s also a plus. I would hate to die in a car accident, that would suck.

Then I spend the next two days sad, sad because God knows I can’t afford this right now. Sad because I just finished paying off my car only a year ago, and sad because the year had just started and it was already not looking very good.

This morning as I was driving to work in my boyfriends car (lucky guy is in Vegas) and I was listening to Pandora to some rap, one of my favorite rappers said…

“So the next time you feel like your world’s about to end, I hope you studied because he’s testing your faith again”       -Kendrick Lamar

In that moment I realized that it’s life all of it, accidents, loosing your job, breaking your phone, failing a class, crashing your car, loosing your purse/wallet, etc.

Everything happens for a reason maybe god wanted me to have a new car this year (even though he knows I hate car payments) but hey! He knows what’s best for me.

This morning I decided that as long as I still get to live, and have my family and loved one’s by my side; not an air bag or some A-hole on the road was going to stop me from being positive and enjoying the new year!!!

Sending positive vibes your way!
Kbeautifulmind

The perfect world

My Perfect World:

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If I could summarize for you guys the idea of a perfect world to me would be a world released from hate and pain, a world with lessons of life to better you, a world with out fears and enough peace, hope and faith for everyone to spare. A perfect world for me would be to be able to LIVE where death is an accident or naturally dying from age and not provoked from a disease, illness, or hate from other humans in our planet, a perfect world would be where as the equal chance we all get to live is the same equal chance we get to die.

“I don’t think you should die until you’re ready. Until you’ve wrung out every last bit of living you can.”

About two months ago a friend and almost like family member very dear to my heart passed away and only a couple of days later I got the saddest news in my life time I’d never thought Id face, and the truth I was mad. I was mad to see such a beautiful, smart loving women leave us! I was so mad to see such wonderful people suffer with the pain in their aching hearts! Mad to see a mother cry, children suffer from the hurt, so many people to still love her and in need to have her by their side were crying and hurting for the lost of such angel and I couldn’t do anything but be there for them… and even than I knew that this was not enough. Then as I’m sitting there trying to be strong and support her loved ones I get a call that feels like a sequel of a movie of the journey I just traveled with these people and I cant stop myself from letting go! From being mad to super angry from wanting to see god in the face and say “What the hell is your problem! Why are you taking them from us!”

and I cried my heart out and I screamed for days and I wanted answers and I said “Why is this stupid disease even on this planet?” “Who the hell is responsible? Bring him/her here so I can destroy them with my bare hands!”

I was so hurt, in so much pain and over all I still had faith in god and I begged him “Please lord if you have ever heard me before heel our hearts from the situation we can no longer control and give us strength for the one that is coming our way”

The truth is I knew better than to blame anyone including god for this, I knew better than to loose faith but I felt on the edge. The truth what made me so mad is that I felt so helpless, useless to it all and all I wanted to do was fix it and I couldn’t and still can’t….

People would tell me “Everything will be okay” and I wanted to curse at them and say ” How do you f%^$en know that!?” but at the same time I was telling others in pain that everything would be okay…

Because the truth is I know it will…

Because as beautiful somethings in life, on this planet can be; Like giving a hug, getting a kiss, sharing a laugh, falling in love, forgiving those you love and making a memory… This is NOT where we belong we are just temporary ordinary people living in a planet were we are building our road to the opening gates where we will be welcomed to join all our lost loved ones for eternal living.

And weather you believe in God, Budah, Jesus, The Easter bunny, a fairy, witches or even Satan… one thing is always true…

YOU only get as much as you can handle and your struggles are only what will build you and make you a better person than who you were yesterday.

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” -Unknown

Therefor as hypocrite as I may sound because I really cant help but loose it sometimes, I truly believe in this quote and know that I am strong and I know that I only get what I can handle and that there is a reason for everything and that god (in my case) will help me through it as it all falls back into place. I also know that all our loved ones are now watching over us as they may no longer be with us but will forever be in our memories and hearts till we meet again.

Thank you all again for reading;

kbeautifulmind

This blog is dedicated to all my friends and family who still hurt to the lost of auntie Debbie.

May you all find peace and know I am here for all of you, if you ever need anything, and remember she is smiling and watching over us as she waits to have us in her arms again.