Tag: family

My concept behind the value of relationships

When I was younger, I did not believe in 2nd chances.
The minute you crossed me or disrespected me…

1. I’d cut you off
2. You became the enemy
3. If you really pissed me off, I was probably trying to kick your ass. (I was crazy and lacked of maturity)

So many around me didn’t understand my concept, I even had someone once make fun and call me a “homie hopper.”

Then with time my concept changed a bit, if you are farely NEW in getting to know me I use the 3 strike rule…

Its simple…
3 strikes you’re out!

If you’re pass the 3 year mark, you don’t get 3 strikes, you go back to the first method ☝ (Don’t worry, I retired from fighting, I now have karma handle my light weight.)

Anyway till this day my concept doesnt make sense to a lot of people, I had a friend tonight ask me…

“Why? Why do you go about relationships this way?”
And well this was my answer.

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If I let you into my life and allow you to know me, it’s a privilege.
God didn’t choose you for me, or else we’d share blood and I’d call you family.
Instead I call you friend or lover because God put you in my path, but I chose that you could stay.
Therefor I voluntarily decided to allow myself to trust you, open up to you, show you and share with you who I am, and let you in with out any boundaries.
I have let you see me naked(If you’re a lover emotionally and physically), inside and out.
If you’ve been around for years and our involvement has increased, so have my expectations and the value I give you.
If all of a sudden you decide to betray me, hurt me, cheat me, or lie to me.
Don’t expect forgiveness or for me to understand why you did it.
In my eyes and beliefs, there is no excuse and or reason good enough that you can give me that will make any sense.
Seeing that you know me so well by now and what I represent, yet you still didn’t care enough to consider my feelings, only shows me my worth and what I actually mean to you.

-Kbeautifulmind

-Kbeautifulmind

Until we meet again

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Every time I smile,
Every time I cry,
I think of your face, and the thoughts escape my mind.
“What would it be like if you were still here, if we had won our battle and could now be stress free?”
You were my world,
Two parents in one,
My soft mom to cry with, and my tough dad to punish me when I was wrong.
My inspiration for my future, and the faith in my heart.
But now that you’ve left me, it can be so hard not to fall apart.
You were my best friend,
My one true role model in this life,
And that’s not all you were,
You were also my mom.
You were always my strength when I lost hope, therefor at times now I feel weak and alone.
You showed me right from wrong, and made sure I never lost my kind heart and always stayed humble.
And when times got hard, I knew I’d be okay because you gave me strength to hold and push on.
When I was afraid, you’d remind me that together we could face anything.
No one else could do what you’ve done for me.
I never imagined a day like this, where I’d have to live with out you and lose my team.
But if there is anyone I want to make proud, it’s you my dear mom.
So I’ll wipe off my tears and put on a smile, as I try to always remind myself you’re still here in my heart.

“Until we meet again” – Maricela Arellano Lopez

-Kbeautifulmind

The Goodbye

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A year ago today, my loving, caring, helpful and beautiful mother left this earth.

I’ll never forget the pain I felt on that night.
The nurse had said she wouldn’t make it through the night on April 21st.
Yet we kept asking her to please hold on, as her mother was now on her way.
The day of her death was filled with anxiety and fear.
You see, being the stuborn and independent woman my mom was she had requested for my grandma not to know the truth about her cancer.
However it was now too late, and my grandma was on her way to California with out knowing why my mom was truly leaving us.
My grandma arrived about two hours before my mom passed.
She began to ask “Why won’t she wake up?”
Her kids would tell her “She’s really sick mom, we must let her rest.”
Then she said “Wake up mija, look it’s me your mom, I have arrived to see you. Let me put this ointment on you mija. Please get up, I know it will help you feel better.”
I began to cry, it was so painful to see my beautiful grandma in so much pain and confusion.
So she looked at me with tears in my eyes and said, “She isn’t going to wake up, is she?”
Her kids answered and said “She’s going to be okay mom, she just needs to rest…”
all you heard after that was the broken words of a heart broken mother.

“Stop! Stop lying to me. I am her mother, I KNOW.”

The rest of the time we prayed, we sung, and we cried. One by one everyone began to say their goodbyes and whisper what they needed to say into her ear.
Her siblings called from Mexico and one by one with the phone to my mom’s ear they also had the chance to tell her what they wanted.
Her breathing slowly began to change, she now had her mouth wide open as she gasped for air, and she was loosing her color.
However she continued to fight and hold on, at first we believed it was for my grandma but for some reason even with my grandma already there she didn’t seem like she wanted to go.
The nurse then said to me “It’s time, get your siblings together, you must say goodbye, her breathing has changed drastically.”
As I called my siblings closer, I could see the pain in their eyes.
Christopher only fifteen years old was angry and the tears he had been holding in came running down his face like a waterfall at full speed.
Kevin at eleven years old seemed to have it more together than most of us.
Without any tears he walked up to her and said “I love you so much mom. I’m going to be strong just like I promised you.”
My sister and I broke down and laid next to her.
Then the nurse said… “She is still fighting, I’ve never had a patient with such strenght to fight on. You guys must tell her it’s okay to let go.”

So that’s exactly what I did…
“Mommy, I know your worried, I can feel it. It’s okay to let go now, we are all here by your side and even if your worried, I promise I’m going to give it my all to take over and take the best care of everyone. I know your sad mommy, but you can count on me, I promise. Te quieto mucho mommy, y dios sabe que te voy a extrañar demasiado pero recuerda…
“Solo asta que nos volvamos a ver”
“Until we meet again”

Then only minutes later with everyone there in the room…
She opened her eye’s one last time, took a look around the entire room and took her last breathe as her eyes shut forever.

I thought I was ready but in just seconds I panicked, I broke down, and fell into a dizzy spell.

This was really it…
We lost the battle.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day two of our Goodbye

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On a sad cloudy morning like today, a year ago is when I realized I had to accept it, and let her go. Yet the pain only felt deeper than when I got the news the night before.
I had dozed off on the bed next to her, when I woke up to her moan, it was a moan that said “I am in serious pain.”
I remember seeing my aunt helping the nurse move her a bit and my reaction came with some anger, “What are you guys doing to her!?” I yelled.
The nurse responded, “Honey, we have to clean her up and change her.”
My mom did not want to be moved or touched at all, she continued to moan with frustration and I could see the tears in my aunts eyes as she also suffered to see her in this pain.
I rememeber thinking…
“This is sssooo not what she wanted!”

My mother was what we would call a “Independent Warrior”:
She fought for what she believed in, even if she stood alone.
She’d do anything for those she loved, even if it meant starving herself to feed them.
She made it clear she needed no one or their approval to get what she wanted.

She was a single mom for most of her life, except when she was married to my step dad but even then she never depended on him or anyone to get things done.
She never got government help to raise us, she never told family to pick us up when we were down (even though they constantly offered) and some how she always found the resources, time and energy to get us through EVERYTHING and still help others.
On those last three days, our little place was filled with so many people.
Some I didn’t even know but they knew of me, and every single one of them started their stories with:

“Your mom HELPED me…”

The day of her viewing we had only ordered 250 memorial cards and we ran out.
The days were such a blur for me, but what I did know for sure is that there was over 250 people who attended.

I rememeber a lady crying as she looked at my mom and said, “No god, why these beautiful hands? Why this beautiful lady that always gave me a helping hand.”

So as I watched her moan, I knew she was upset.
I knew she was not happy to be leaving this earth not being able to do anything for herself.
Then the nurse said,
“Is her mom (my grandma) on her way? I don’t think she’ll make it through the night, she is no longer releasing body waist.”
The tears came running down as I held her hand, I had finally accepted it, but I still couldn’t understand why God was taking the most important person in my life from me.
A couple minutes later my little brother Kevin came walking in the room.
I could see the confusion and the pain in that 11 year olds face as he tried to hide it and be “strong”
He said “Why was mommy making that noise, is she okay? and Why are you crying agggaaiiinnnn…”
I didn’t need to answer, as Kevin got close to her and held her hand a tear started running down her face.
She was in pain,
And maybe not just in pain from the Cancer, she was in pain because she also knew it would soon be time for her to go and it was killing her to be leaving her children all alone.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

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A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

Easter Morning…

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Easter morning and I wake up with chills, as I lay on the bed wishing you were here.
Easter has always been the holiday that brought you so much joy, because you loved the atmosphere there was in the world.
You always shared with me your thoughts and said…
“Today just seems to bring unity in families and you can’t help but feel blessed.”
Last year Easter was just so cold and blue, as it fell on the Sunday of April 20th only two days before twenthy two.
As you laid there on your death bed with the hospice nurse by your side, she told us to celebrate today like everything was fine.
But how could we enjoy the holiday you loved so much, if you were in pain no longer able to look at us or say much.
I remember just holding you as I tried not to cry, my body so tired with no sleep or food to give it life.
Easter Sunday last year was a day of unity and love, but filled with so much pain as we waited for god to take you in his arms.
I didn’t feel peace, nor did I feel blessed, as you’ve always made me feel in the past because I was losing my bestfriend.
Yet here I am almost a year later on Easter morning, laying in bed, listening to your favorite songs, and in between all the tears and the pain I some how feel blessed.
I guess it’s because, I can still feel your presence.

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-Kbeautifulmind

I miss you mommy.

Love your’s

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I’ve never been so happy to be me:)

I use to envy others, not for material things because I could truly careless what others have in that sense.
However I use to envy the “struggle less” lives of others, their family bonds, people who had both of their parents in their lives, their grandparents, and over all family unity.
Why?
Well because I’ve never had that, I come from one parent who is now in heaven, we don’t have family very local and as much as I love the holiday’s, they are all pretty darn boring with just 5 of us. 
So I’d say, I wish my family was like this, I wish we could all get together like this, or have the bond they have…
But as you get to know people, read them, learn about their closet skeletons and really learn who they are…
You grow and you realized how wonderful it is to be YOU and to be a part of something as real as your own life, no matter how imperfect it seems.

So rememeber guys, you like I may not be lucky enough to have the ideal “brady bunch” family but that family is your family!
A family who loves you unconditionally, and that’s as good as it gets.
You like I may seem disfuntional to the rest but there is no one else that is you better than YOU.
And…
You like I may sometimes feel like the stress, bad luck, or hard moments may never end, but there is no one out there that can outshine and live this life any better than you can.
Love your’s.

-Kbeautifulmind

Dear momma

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Dear Momma,
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful?
Is it as nice as they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
or do you still get the privilege to see the beautiful moon and the stars at the end of the day?
Are you with your love ones and some of your friends?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
I sure hope so…
Here on earth everything’s different…
Things changed a lot since you been gone, but I’m sure your watching it all from above.
Life is pretty good for me, as a matter of fact I’m better than you left me, but it feels like everything good is missing since you left.
There’s an emptiness I just can’t explain.
I truly hope you’re doing great!
I hope you’re dancing in the sky and I hope you’re singing all of your favorite songs.
I hope your cooking all of your favorite foods and that everyone likes it just like we do.
I hope you’re laughing and having a blast.
I hope your days are filled with love and light and that you never stress or worry at all.
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived.
Tell me are you happy?
Are you more alive?
Because here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left, there’s an emptiness I just can’t explain.

Praying for your peaceful rest,
Your daughter.

-Kbeautifulmind

Dear Brother…

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Dear Brother,
I Hope someday you take everything we’ve taught you and that it helps you as you learn to make it on your own.
I hope someday you take the words from mommy and all the shit I give you and understand it’s all been said because we love you and want what’s best for you.
I hope someday you see that taking over and having the responsibility to raise you has been a struggle but that no matter how “good off me” you always claim to be, I will forever be your big sister who’s truly on your side.
I hope someday you see I still love you just like the day mommy brought you home, I mean I had no choice you were my first baby brother lol.
I hope someday you know I truly, truly just want what’s best for you and my only desire is to help mommy raise a honest, loving, gentleman since she is no longer here to do it herself.
I hope someday you see the sacrafises I have made to try and unite us all as a family and bring peace into our home.

In dedication to my brother Christopher.
Happy 16th Birthday to the biggest pain in my _ _ _👦🎂🎉

-Kbeautifulmind