I have a couple close friends I talk to on a daily basis.
I am a horrible at texting at times and I almost never answer my phone, but they manage to work with me and I work with them.
We all put in a lot of effort to keep in touch throughout the days even if we don’t see each other constantly.
No one plays victim, or whines about how I or THEY are “horrible” friends.
Why? well because we are grown and mature enough to know that it’s all a part of being an adult.
Anyway… we will save that topic for another blog.
My point was…
I have one girlfriend that in a sense loves like I do…
She like I… is a poet, an artist, and the a big hopeless romantic.
So guess what our main topics usually consists of?
L O V E
R E L A T I O N S H I P S
One of our most frustrating struggles is that we care too much.
We are woman who will fight and do whatever it takes to make things right.
We over love at times and we over push to make things right.
We visit the past all the time, and we try to find the closure we “feel” we need.
Yes I said feel, and I say this because we both know very well that not every situation needs closure or a happy ending…
our big hearts, our personas, or our souls just don’t allow us to live by this motto.
Instead we wait for the apology we might never get, we want to stay friends with people we dated, and we think everyone is some how meant to stay in our lives.
I know, we are a bit crazy.
we just love too hard?
I think we just see the good in the ugly.
Anyway, we aren’t like stokers or anything… so don’t freak out ha ha.
So in the middle of our conversation the other day…
I was explaining to her how I do not understand how people can become involved with you, come into your life or path, and just hurt you?
Just cut you off and leave you there like some slap of ribs on the floor for the dogs to eat, without some kind of peace treaty or closure?
I guess I just don’t have it in me to hurt people in such selfish way.
I mean, I know I’ve broken hearts and I’ve had my share of rejecting…
but, usually I make sure that it’s understood and it’s ended peacefully.
I guess that’s the part of me that expects every situation to end in a happy ending.
If it was up to me, every single person I’ve ever dated (except for like two of them) would still be my friend.
Those that have hurt me would have apologized and we’d leave things in a peaceful treaty.
We’d pass by each other on the streets and say hello, or maybe even grab coffee and catch up once in a while…
Those that have said “I want to stay friends” would mean it and actually check up on me once in a while and see how I am doing…
But, realistically that is impossible.
probably not healthy ha ha.
So in the conversation I made a joke but, serious statement where I told her; “I am closing down the love factory, for a bit.”
She laughed and said; “Me too! Before I become one of those bitter chicks.”
I laughed and said; “Yeah, we don’t want to become that…”
However, that is definitely not my reason why.
I have made this decision for a couple good reasons and have decided to make it a firm promise.
Now, If the “one” were to come knocking on my door, I wouldn’t be like “LEAVE.” Ha.
I just feel like my desire for having “someone” is no longer as big as my desire for happiness.
I actually enjoy being alone.
I have always enjoyed it.
I love to shop alone, I don’t mind enjoying a meal for one, and I’ll even go to a movie alone without a care in the world.
However, sometimes it’s nice to have someone to talk to, to share with, to face time, and to adventure with.
So I am not “shutting out” on love and the hope to find someone to team up with in this cruel world.
But, I am directing my focus on other things for the mean time.
I’d like to put all my time and heart into my career.
I love the field I am studying, and I am eager to start practicing it as soon as possible.
I want to travel, take on new hobbies, and rekindle the old ones I have lost touch with.
I want to be joyful, I want to be happy and truly satisfied with myself.
I will say, getting your heart-broken makes you a bit disappointed and hopeless…
But, it also teaches you a lot and I have built so much self-love, peace, and strength that my only desire is to continue to grow and build that even stronger.
I want to be so good with just me, that I never forget my worth and how valuable I am.
This is important, for the reason that the person I settle down with someday has to be at my same level.
I refuse to settle.
I want to build a strong empire someday, a team so strong that it can conquer anything life throws at us.
For that goal, I know I must first be good with myself.
So good that I know and any one that I come across will know…
that I will not settle for anything less.
I refuse to mess this vision up, or cloud it with anyone one that I KNOW just doesn’t fit the standard.
As our generation would say “No more fuck boys”
But in my words…
No more games, or unsure feelings.
What I will accept right now is friendships, true genuine friendships…
If with time something builds from one of them or someone comes along worthy of my commitment then, I will be so good with myself that I will be capable of loving them like they deserve.
Looking forward to the re-opening of the love factory,