The day Im a mother

If I wanted to I know I could be a great mother now. Thanks to my mom my instincts and methods have cultivated through the years from watching such a wonderful person be an amazing mother. If your a regular reader you may know that my mother is amazing, she is currently fighting a stage four lung cancer and god knows it has been real hard. However she hasn’t allowed it to take over her life and change who she truly is.
My mom is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother Im going to be a great one.
Through her I have learned a lot.
She has taught me kindness and tolerance for all humans, and situations. Through her I have learned to be positive. I have learned to be strong teaching me that there is nothing that can destroy me for if tomorrow comes it will be a hole new day. I’ve learned to be open to new learnings and to always take in the new knowledge with a positive attitude. She taught me to love, hard and long, and to never give up and always continue to fight for anything or anyone as long as I never loose focus of my value and what I deserve. She role modeled to always listen to my instincts and to not be afraid of doing so. She taught me to have confidence and that no matter what others say or have, I will always find something better within me that will make me proud of being who I am. She’s taught me to always be helpful as Ive watched her open her heart and friendly services to many people; from advising others to do the right thing to a simple favor like giving someone a ride somewhere. I have to say she has to be the greatest friend anyone could ever have.
Over the years our relationship as many mother daughter relationships has had its up and downs. However I can say we never fell too far apart to stop talking and we always found our selves running back to each other. To be more specific wed be “fighting” and shed still call me every 15 minutes. Trust to my mom is a BIG DEAL she values the trust she gives to others and if you break it; that’s it. My mom has always been the perfect mother; never to strict or too careless. She always allowed me to choose my own path and how I wanted to live my life, still trusting me that I would do the right thing. Being trusted has made me never want to disappoint her.
As a twenty-two year old adult now, still not ready for any children of my own I would say the day Im ready Ill be more than ready. I can say for the future and even now I have had the best mentor. Having such a wonderful role model and such a strong individual believe in me and have faith in me has inspired me to be the best ME and someday mother of my own that I could ever be.
I love you mommy,
Happy Mothers Day💕
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

If I won the lottery

I can not sleep and I have work all day tomorrow so that’s not good…
I was fine just laying here in bed, I have a big bed so ever since we found out about my moms cancer we sleep together I sleep to one side and she sleeps to the other with plenty of space for like a third person. I sleep with her because I feel safer this way knowing Im right by her side in case of anything…
Than I bothered to look over and I noticed she fell asleep and looks very uncomfortable with like five pillows keeping her half up like she is almost sitting down and I know its because she can’t really breath sometimes. We told the doctor but he said her lungs sound fine I don’t know what the issue is and its driving me nuts!
So I began to think of when my mom and I use to say “What would we do if we won the lottery someday?”
By the way we never play it is so rare but once in a blue moon we would each get a dollar and buy a ticket and wed always say what we would do…
She would say “I would open up a business something where I could help out alot of people, not just people I know but alot alot of people Id probably buy a house and pay off all our debt and bills so that we never stress again”

I use to say “I would buy you a house and myself one, Id also buy you a restaurant, pay/give you back all the money you have used to do stuff for me and Id go on a big shopping spree as well as go to real poor areas of the world and help them out.”
Man we were dorks… But we dreamed funny probably not what we would do exactly…
and tonight I sit here feeling like I was starting to have an anxiety attack wondering again why my lord oh lord is my mom sick at age 45 with a un curable lung cancer?
Im also thinking of what we would say to each other if we asked again “What we would do if we won the Lottery?”

If I won the lottery I would pay for my mom to see the best doctors on this planet, get thousands of other opinions and if I cant find the cure find something to pro long her life for a very very long time, I would be able to give her that good rest of her life Ive always wanted and take her on trips, help her relax! I would help her breath, eat, sleep, live… oh god Id give my life for her…
Again I ask why her? Why my super woman?
Late night post;
Kbeautifulmind

Doctors appointment

We went to see the doctor today…
He checked her out told her she looked great and her lungs sounded perfect!
He reviewed the results of the chemo with us which we already knew had shrunk the tumor by 25 percent but had still spread do to some very small spotting which they assumed was part of the mass from the tumor.
He gave us the options which is a daily mouth medicine which can pro long her life and bone medication to make her bones stronger and slow the cancer from spreading through them…
Than she asked the doctor if she could go back to work and he told her “…from a personal perspective yes you can do anything you want! But as a doctor I don’t know if you want to work because this thing will only get worse with time and there will come a point when you might not even be able to get out of bed so I suggest enjoy the freedom and just relax….”
First thing I thought was… “It’s easy for him to say because he is obviously financially stable…”
Than the other thing was where I started to speak to god and asking him again “Why her lord?”
and maybe Im being a little selfish because I should know she’s not the only one sick in this world and there is people worse off.
However it breaks me, it tares me apart to think that she will eventually be feeling horrible pain that I won’t be able to sooth or cure.
All my siblings along with myself have seen our struggles and how hard this woman has worked just to have a roof over our heads and to put food on the table. However as the oldest I feel like Ive seen it all and more Ive seen her get mad, cry, and sometimes almost ready to give up and she amazes me how well she can put her self right back together and keep pushing! She says I have that characteristic of hers, her strength but when I see how strong she is Im not sure if I do because I am so sensitive. I don’t see her strength in me she makes me look like a baby compared to her.
Right now Im hurting Im trying so hard to be strong and hide it but Im hurting and Ill admit Im a bit scared for what will come.
However my faith is so strong and I know my lord hears me and I know that everything happens for a reason but I believe in his power and I know he knows how much we still need her. I really hope he hears my cry every day and knows how much I still need her here so I can give her the world and continue to make her proud.
I know that death is apart of life and please believe I as well as my mom and Im sure most people would like to go to heaven but I don’t feel most of us want to go yet. I have accepted that someday god will have her by his side as she watches over us and sits along with her father and other loved ones but I need her here still, I just ask for more time to be able to enjoy her love and persona and I pray he hears me.
We went to see her doctor today and boy was it hard, I just pray my lord hears me.
Thank you for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

What truly matters

“You are beautiful no matter what they say”

I never been one to care for judgment, weather I was called ugly or fat, or pretty and sexy. The truth my appearance has always been more of a personal thing the only thing that I kept to myself. I can honestly say I get ready for me, and it is so personal that I even prefer to shop alone.

However I have my moments when I see girls that are thinner and that’s my weakness… ha ha.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

I always thought this saying was very funny, however my feelings on this subject are mutual.

You see… If its someone that I don’t know or have any feelings for, well it doesn’t matter to me what they have to say I actually find it very funny and I cant help but laugh.

But when it comes to someone that I truly care about, someone who holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances anything can hurt my feelings. But I’ll admit Im so fast at brushing it off and moving forward.
A “wise” guy once told me I was a horrible person and a manipulator always trying to mold people to my own ways and so selfish that I would let go of some of the “BEST” friendships I could have ever had…
I actually let this get to me I was so sad I truly began to wonder if I was that bad of a person.
For a while I thought I really couldn’t keep friends since I no longer had a big “group” of oh so wonderful people by my side, and I thought of the people that were around for short terms and said maybe I did screw that up? But than one day it clicked…. I had met a girl who I thought would be my friend for a long time and she got upset and didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I couldn’t make it to an event do to work one night, that night I told myself “Oh god I really can’t keep friends can I?” And laughed it off because I didn’t realize I already have the best friends I could ever ask for. You see the wise guy was talking about a group of people who were never my friends, two quote on quote “good friends” One of them was a bit selfish and without realizing it used me to give her rides and to cover up for her while the hole time I just truly needed her to listen to me and support me. The other a true emotional reck who envied everything others had and accidentally called me with out knowing as she talked bad about me in the back ground ha ha yeah some friend! Now the hater who wanted my life/relationship is claiming to be “Best Friends” with this wise guy? Than as I left that life behind me than came the girl who ended up being a back stabbing big ol’ slut than came another girl who was mad because little old me had to work. But the best part of it all is that Ive had my good friends by my side all along a handful of people with class, strength, ambition to succeed and the ability to understand and know that we can no longer have sleep overs and talk on the phone about boys/girls and clothes all day and that sometimes we might go days or months with out talking but that no matter what our friendship is as true as the land we walk on everyday.
Today my mom said to me “You know hun I remember not so long ago you were an emotional reck in serious believe that god was punishing you do to stupid things in life that had no worth! And after we found out about my cancer I feel like you have really changed for the better at not allowing the smallest things bother you even if they are said by someone who owns your heart or is/was a big part of your life. You have always been this strong I just feel like you had lost it and I can truly say this is the strongest and most confident Ive ever seen you in a long time!”
The truth I have found to know that when friendships, relationships or just life it’s self falls upon you and tares you apart (so it seems) it doesn’t mean that your a “horrible” person it just means that your a picky person, someone who knows her/his value and what you deserve still going out of your way to giving the opportunity to people to change and if they don’t than let them free to do and be who they please.
I wouldn’t call that trying to mold people…
I could be wrong, but what I do know is that when you give your life, trust, and unconditional love to those people in your life and all you want is the same thing… It really isn’t that much to ask for, its actually what truly matters.
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

What Cancer can not do:

Hello everyone! It feels good to be back, semester is over so that’s a relief and will give me a little more time to myself 🙂
Mother’s Day is also around the corner and Im so grateful my momma is here with me to celebrate the wonderful woman she is. You know not so long ago when I found out about her cancer I could feel it destroying me, making me loose hope and faith.However I managed to get it back…
Because the truth is that Cancer can not do many things after all it ends up being the weakest disease there has ever been.
So your probably wondering What is it that cancer can not do?
Well….
Cancer cannot cripple love. There is nothing in the world that can destroy true love, weather its family, or a romantic lover, when the love is true and its that feeling that’s tattooed on your heart it stays there forever weather that person is around or not. The love I have for my mom is so strong that nothing or anyone could ever take that away from me.
Cancer cannot shatter hope. Hope is something that also just lives in your heart because no matter how hard life may be on you at times, if you have hope you truly have everything.
Cancer cannot dissolve faith. Faith is in the air we breath, faith is what keeps many of us going as we remind our selves that things will turn out just the way they need to be.
Cancer cannot destroy peace. If peace is and has always lived within the person, no matter the drama or issues that person manages to relax and view life differently.
Cancer cannot suppress memories. There is nothing in this world that will ever take away any of the memories my mom and I have made and will continue to make together.
Cancer cannot silence courage. I know that from experience being the daughter of the strongest woman I have ever met and watching her fight and destroy all the bad feelings and energies that try to surround her as she makes it known and as it shows in her person that she will not allow anything to stand in her way.
Cancer cannot invade the soul. Having cancer has made my mom relive and remember how lucky she is for another day and how wonderful she is as a person who deserves nothing but the best.
Cancer cannot destroy us and if we feel like it is we must stop it and not allow it. Because you may have been the unlucky one and trust me I know… IT SUCKS! However you can make the best of it reminding yourself how Important everyday is and how grateful you are to be here.
Thank you for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

Today I want to talk about the government….
Ever notice how the lady before you at the grocery store is paying with food stamps and has her nails done and a name brand purse that retails at about 300 at the least?
What about the families with 5 kids also paying with government money and the kids look so dirty but the parents look clean and well put?
or how about how most of the people doing insurance claims or getting some sort of government help are faking and living the good life driving Mercedes and BMWs?
and my least favorite… The “single moms” who claim to be single as they continue to pop out more and more kids in order to get more financial help from the government?
I actually once heard a lady say to someone “It’s my 7th kid but its all good because I’ll be getting me more food stamps” ARE YOU FREAKEN KIDDING ME!?
And they say China should be limited to ONE kid I think some areas in California need some limits…
With all this “Help” some how there is still over 100 million homeless people all over the world as well as this country and no I am not talking about the homeless people in LA who won’t take food or clothes or any type of help that isn’t money because they want the money to get their fix (drugs or alcohol). I am talking about the REAL homeless people who live in areas where there is no governmental help or any “housing” place to go and get a shower, a plate of food, or even a place to sleep.
So what is wrong with that picture here in the United States or to minimize it down what is wrong with the picture here in California?
Well in my opinion we can start by asking why there is over 300 cases assign to only ONE social worker in the welfare offices and why isn’t there more regulations and investigations?
For example wouldn’t you think if a person needs to get drug tested to be considered a candidate for a job opening position wouldn’t they drug test these candidates who are receiving FREE money from the government which is technically a flow of the money of those of us who work for a living!?
I just think our system is so “stupidly organized” so pathetically organized that that’s part of the reason why our money flow isn’t at it’s best.
So your probably wondering why do I care or why even waist my time writing about this right?
Well here goes my story my mom was recently diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage 4 (no she is not a smoker) and with that to our luck it is slow growing and hasn’t spread very far. So although it is not curable the fact that its slow growing can give her more time to live than someone who has a rapid growing lung tumor so we are trying to stay positive and enjoy anytime we have left with her.
Anyways like I was saying here she is a 45 year old lady who worked 3 jobs her whole life making good money and keeping her family stable. However with the cancer and treatment her doctor had requested she no longer work until the cancer was more “stable” so here she is no longer working and just finished up the last of her chemo at least until the resent test results to see what is our next step…
So here we are at the last of the testing of test needed for results of the chemo and when she gets out they tell us that we need to pay a total of 1,098 dollars for the exam!? So of course we are confused and ask them “Why? According to our understanding she worked so hard and made pretty good money that she was eligible for the “best” of medical insurances that give her no limits?” and the nurse says “yes that’s the one you have however it states here that you were only eligible for a percentage and so you have to pay this money out of your pocket” so of course I tell her it has to be incorrect so we call her social worker and the social worker states that this is correct because my mom gets a “good amount” of disability money that is good enough for her self and two boys she can pay half of that money for her medical expenses… So than my mom tells her “But mam half that money already goes to my rent what about bills and food? and the lady says “well have you tried food stamps? Wait you made to much to be eligible for that… Well mam I don’t know what to tell you the truth now in days rent is considered and luxury so they don’t really include the cost of it in your case, sorry mam that’s the cost that its going to be every month in order for you to be able to get your treatment…”
And for the most part that was the end of the conversation as I heard that I felt blood rushing to my head I can feel myself getting warm on my cheeks and I couldn’t believe that this lady just told us that “Now in days RENT is a luxury!” You have to be kidding me so a mom with only two kids (she has four but two of us are over 18) has to probably find a smaller place to live or to better state in “live under a dam bridge” in order to continue her treatment and add more life spam in order to continue to raise them!
I mean for god sakes like having cancer isn’t already bad enough!?
So I mean we will be okay Ill be doing my best to help her as much as I can (working two jobs and going to school) and I know that god is always by our sides. However I wanted to share this because I don’t think that our government has their system set up right and I think its unfair that those who truly need the help for example my mom who worked for most of her life time paying taxes to this country arnt the ones getting the help needed and instead its going to a bunch of free loaders living the good life, a life style better than we even are and we are the ones busting our bottoms for that money.
Just something to think about…
Kbeautifulmind

It is what it is

Hello Everyone!
Man oh man oh man!
It had been a long time since I last wrote, please forgive me and believe me I been wanting to! However working two jobs and going to school as well as trying to get back in shape with everything can really be a handful!
Ever since the Doctors “discovered” my mothers cancer I feel like my life is on a fast train, so much to do and so little time. However I can say I been able to manage it pretty well…
My mom in the other hand is tired everything hurts but although she says she’s tired her mind, body and soul show otherwise…
She’s just so beautiful and strong I sometimes don’t understand how she does it. The chemo gives her all kinds of pain from her toes to her finger tips and chest, she feels tired and gets head aches at times too and not to forget her lost of appetite but if you saw her in person you could never tell! She looks strong and fearless she is always pushing her self to eat and stay active as well as pray and have a positive mind set. I admit I admire her and sometimes I wonder if I could ever be as strong as her? For I am different Im always worried, stressing and my heart still hasn’t heeled from some of the pain Ive suffered in life.
The doctor told us this last chemo was going to be the last one but apparently there might need to be one more…
Does that make me sad? Yes.
Does that make her sad? No.
She just says she’s tired of all the back and forth and the endless waiting and the hours of sitting there… But she told me “It is what it is” and although I don’t really like that saying she’s totally right!
Life is what it is, just like needing to wake up early and be at work all day one job after another, wanting to go to school for a better future as well as needing to do the homework that comes with it and on top of it all dealing with having to witness my moms pain as well as feeling pain of my own after everything Ive dealt with. Either way like she says “It is what it is” so I take all Ive been through, and all Im going through and I mix it in a bowl and call it strength. Then everyday I remind myself that all of these obstacles and situations are a part of life and life “is what it is” so you can let them bring you down or allow them to make you stronger.
Thanks for reading!
Kbeautifulmind

It doesn’t discriminate

Today we are finishing session number two. This place reeks of alcohol, there is so many people here all of different colors, ethnicities, class, weight, and hight all with different stories and cancers.

You can see a person’s whole life in the cancer they get.

I’ve had a chance to talk to a couple of people…
This girl is my age 22 years old and has cancer, her name is Ann. I wanted to hug her she is so pretty, she lives in South Pasadena. She lost all her friends as soon as she let them know… She said “They always make excuses why we can’t hang out but my boyfriend keeps me busy” than she fell asleep…
This other man seems about 50 his white cells don’t come out “correctly” I didn’t catch the name of his cancer. Six years ago they gave him 3 months to live the doctor told him there was no hope, he responded “only god knows that one sir” and he said the doctor was so annoyed by his response… Now he is still alive coming in every two weeks for some medication that gets injected into his veins.
Another lady was crying I gave her a tissue and continue reading my book… She laughed and asked me ” You probably think I look stupid for crying?” I told her “No mam I understand your pain” so she told me… “You know… Finding out I had cancer was hard but I had strength and hope, as my chemo went on I felt stronger… Last week I was in what seemed my last chemo and the results came back saying “It didn’t work” just like that! All the crap they put into my body and it just didn’t work! Does that make any sense??????…. Well it doesn’t and here I am again…” I didn’t know what to say… Because it does suck and I wish these people weren’t going through this including my momma.
However it made me realize that when we got the news and I was asking god “Why her? Why us???” There was my answer the cancer does not discriminate, it didn’t pick the rich young girl for her class status, age, beauty and those things also didn’t save her from the disease. It didn’t purposely scare the man into thinking he had only 3 months left, the cancer also didn’t decide to just not work on the lady for her skin color or hight. The cancer didn’t walk around and say “I pick you and you and you too!” The cancer isn’t a karma, a payback, a gift… Sadly it’s just flat out BAD LUCK to some people and if you believe in god like my mother and I do… You’d say what she says… ” It’s just a test of faith.”
The truth I don’t know what this is or why it’s even made its way into our lives? I just pray that it brought its boxing gloves and a protecting mouth piece because we are going to fight it until it can’t get up anymore even if we are on the ground with it!
Thanks for reading;
kbeautifulmind

Im right and your wrong and there is nothing you can do about it.

“Argument is the peace you cannot seem to find with the discomforts with in yourself” -me

.I was arguing/debating with a friend the other night about a personal issue that was with in me, something that bothers me and as much as I feel I have let it go the fact that people are so ignorant to understand why when its brought up it upsets me… Is still a issue to me.
You know what I can not stand? Liars… You guys are probably thinking “Hypocrite” yes I am, because I have lied a couple of white lies and some big lies… However I personally hate liars and people who are full of bull and act so fake, I also hate pity and I feel like all of this comes from pity! People who can’t man up and let you know how it is…
However like I said I have done it And I am sure we all have so I feel that once you have failed at that step its time admit you were wrong, ask for forgiveness (if you want it) and show the person you lied to it will never happen again! However sadly this world dosnt work that way, reason why our political parties could never come together as one, why parents and teenagers have never ending drama, and also the reason why AMAZING relationships go down the drain.
So arguments will continue with people as long as they need to until someone steps up to the plate and lets it go… No matter how much a person may be mad, seem like they hate you, tell you your worthless, no matter what… If you step down from the argument accept their decisions/answers, then the better you can live with yourself.
You see expertise isn’t really necessary in order to present a valid argument or intelligent opinion. The necessity here is maturity. After all people don’t say “If you want to show a good impression to someone be mature and polite and never argue about religion or debate” for no reason; Why is that? Because arguments get you no where! They strap you down to your seat filled with drama from the past or a “in the moment” issue that in a couple of hours like the past won’t mean anything!
Best way to fix this…
Let go of whatever is bothering you “forgive others like you’d like to be forgiven if ever in their shoes”
Let it go and work on it on your own for dealing with someone else’s mouth and trying to get them to realize or understand is pointless.
Last but not least if you cant forgive let it go.
Sincerely;
Kbeautifulmind

Promise Yourself

When you are feeling down, disappointed, and helpless make yourself a promise like I do, allow yourself reassurance and remind your self to have faith that all will fall back into place…
My promise to myself:

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”-Unknown

Over the last 4 years I have had the most breakdowns and saddest moments but this poem right here is what keeps me motivated.

Inspired;
Kbeautifulmind

Kbeautifulmind

People plan, and God laughs

Year: 2013