Tag: society

I was her treasure

Growing up as the oldest of four, I always got the shit end of the stick.
If my mom was stressed I heard it first.
If something wasn’t done, it was my fault.
If things were not how they should be, she’d question me.
I watched my mom struggle her entire life and to me, she was my hero.
I admired her for going through so much and never giving up.
However I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I was the cause for all of it.
Maybe had my father succeeded in drowning me at age five, had her life been so much easier?
As I got older it only got worse, if my sister acted up or my brother’s cried…
Some how I got yelled at.
I got told…
“I’m so tired of this, why don’t you guys listen. One of these days I’m going to be gone and you will all regret not appreciating me!!!”
I learned with time to just stay quite, I’d let her vent and just listened.
However, deep down inside I would hurt for her.
I would hurt because I knew life was hard for her and I could see how life would try to push her down and defeat her all the time, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I knew it wasn’t us, it was life that had just been so unfair to her.
Yet I wanted to yell back so many times saying,
“Can you shut the hell up!!! I do appreciate you, you have no idea how much! If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t want to be better then I am, and strive to have more then I’ve ever had.”
But I would just stay quite.
Sometimes we would fight over the stupidest things…
Money
School
Boys
Friend’s
Clothes
Seriously dumb, dumb, random stuff.
I’d come home and if she was stressed out she’d vent to me.
She’d yell, kick me out, told me when are you going to leave your too old to be living here with me.
To me then it sounded like blaming, and it cofused me because I couldn’t understand how it was my fault?
But later I saw they were cries of help, cries of help to me her oldest daughter and friend.
As I got older and after high school we learned to stress together, to vent but not attack each other, to scream, cry or sing if we wanted to let it out, but to not let it out on each other.
We learned to recognize the team we had always been.
However there was something I just couldn’t get her to do, and that was show emotion.
She rarely told me…
“I’m proud of you”
“You’re doing great”
“I love you”
Until she got diagnosed.
When she was diagnosed is when my mom learned how much I loved her and admired her.
My mom saw that I was never against her, but that I was with her.
She began to slowly apologize for being so hard on me, and for taking me for “granted.”
But what she didn’t know is how much more I appreciated her for all of it.
I wouldn’t be who I am today if she hadn’t pushed me to be strong.
Unfortunately I still felt disappointed in myself.
I had this plan my whole life and it wasn’t following through.
I hadn’t finish school yet, I didn’t have my career job yet, I wasn’t super wealthy, I couldn’t find the best doctors to treat her, I couldn’t grant her final wishes, I couldn’t take her to travel the world and see places she had always desired to see.
I felt as if God was taking her from me without letting me make her proud, without letting me repay her for all the hard times she lived just to raise me.
I felt like a failure.
I just needed her to see me graduate, to see me succeed, I NEEDED to make her proud.
Today my mom’s friend called me.
I had not spoken to him since my mom passed away, a year ago.
He wanted to see how I was doing and then told me…
“I have to tell you, your mom told me you were her treasure. That she admired you so much and was so proud of you and your kind heart. She told me, “Even when I yell at her, or take out my stress on her she doesn’t give up on me. I know she loves me and will stick through this right by my side.”

I began to cry, but tears of joy.
Tears of joy because I was grateful to know that even though we didn’t make it to Ireland or a tropical place, and I didn’t exactly get to “repay” her for all she had done for me…
She was proud of me.
She was truly proud of me.
And that let me know, I had succeeded as her daughter.

-Kbeautifulmind

ONE AM.

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After every girl and every lie.
Followed every excuse I could possibly make to believe that I was well deserved of the hurt you caused me.

-Kbeautifulmind

This is for…
Every girl who’s had those late nights.
Who’ve stayed up waiting for him to call.
Who’ve smelled the perfume on his collar.
Who’ve seen the lip gloss on his lips.
Who’ve seen the pictures on his email.
Who’ve looked through his phone as he slept next to you, only to discover more lies.
Only to feel that you were not good enough for him…
as you ask yourself…
“What am I doing wrong?
What does she got that I don’t?
So you use the cheating as blame on yourself…
Allowing the love you felt to fource you into making excuses for him and using it all as an excuse to only try harder to impress him.

Word of advise… STOP.

You will never be good enough…
Not because your not good enough, but because you are too good for him, too good for him to ever see your worth through the bodies of those woman fullfilling his insecurities.
Know your worth!
-Kbeautifulmind

Getting lost in someone else…

You meet someone special who catches your eyes, you begin to commit as the days and months pass you by.
Your own mind begins to play games with your head, how can you possible count on him yet?
But you slowly give in…
You’re doing things you’ve never done before.
You’ve put so much time and effort with him, because it happened so naturally and seemed easy with him.
You see, it’s so easy to fall in the comfort of another’s arms because you’ve become vulnerable as you feel that connection of sparks.
So you give, and you give as you begin to get lost.
Then, the day comes along where something seems wrong.
You take a step back and begin to analyze…
The commitment your making is not bouncing back.
He says it’s due to the pain he once felt, yet he doesn’t seem to realize you’ve also been hurt once before.
You accept his excuses and cut him some slack, as you allow yourself to pour your heart out into his hands.
Trusting he’ll realize his feelings and get comfortable, as he sees your commitment and finds that you deserve so much more.
Only with time will you know what this is, yet you can’t help but wonder if time is what this needs.
Because you know your value and how special you are.
You know you deserve the very best, yet getting lost in someone else seems to feel better then locking your heart in a cage.

-Kbeautifulmind

This was inspired by a good friend of mine. Who trusted in me to share her thoughts at four in the morning because she believes I’m brave for sharing mine with the world.
Thanks amiga, love you!

Love me old school

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Love me old school, give me your heart and show me your soul.
Love me old school, fill me with roses and sing me love songs.
Love me old school, take my hand and kiss it softly, write me poetry and tell me how much you want me.
Love me old school, open my door and show me you’re the gentleman I’ve always longed for.
Love me old school, dance with me and show me off to the world.
Love me old school, whisper in my ear and tell me all that you feel.
Love me old school, hold me tight as you promise to never let go.

“Love me old school”

-Kbeautifulmind

The date of the fourth

I saved the date.
You said good bye, the night cold as ice, as I stood in the rain, with that sharp pain in my heart.
I could not understand, what had I done wrong, all the pain you had already caused, but I brushed it right off.
So why was it me?
The one paying for this, watching you go, I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t understand.
No, I just couldn’t see pass you leaving.
But I saved the date.
And it’s crazy how wonderful time can be.
I’m better than I should be,
I’m better than you left me, when you gave me that call.
I’m stronger than that girl, the one you pushed around, as you played games with her heart.
I’m better than I should be,
I’m better than you left me, you see baby…
I don’t think you’d even know me anymore.
I’m confident and satisfied, my heart has healed from the wounds of your departure.
Because I’m better than I should be,
I’m better than you left me, now that I realized you did me a favor.
Now I love deeper,
Laugh so much louder,
Feel so much happier because I saved the date of the fourth.

-Kbeautifulmind

Love your’s

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I’ve never been so happy to be me:)

I use to envy others, not for material things because I could truly careless what others have in that sense.
However I use to envy the “struggle less” lives of others, their family bonds, people who had both of their parents in their lives, their grandparents, and over all family unity.
Why?
Well because I’ve never had that, I come from one parent who is now in heaven, we don’t have family very local and as much as I love the holiday’s, they are all pretty darn boring with just 5 of us. 
So I’d say, I wish my family was like this, I wish we could all get together like this, or have the bond they have…
But as you get to know people, read them, learn about their closet skeletons and really learn who they are…
You grow and you realized how wonderful it is to be YOU and to be a part of something as real as your own life, no matter how imperfect it seems.

So rememeber guys, you like I may not be lucky enough to have the ideal “brady bunch” family but that family is your family!
A family who loves you unconditionally, and that’s as good as it gets.
You like I may seem disfuntional to the rest but there is no one else that is you better than YOU.
And…
You like I may sometimes feel like the stress, bad luck, or hard moments may never end, but there is no one out there that can outshine and live this life any better than you can.
Love your’s.

-Kbeautifulmind