Tag: pain

Day two of our Goodbye

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On a sad cloudy morning like today, a year ago is when I realized I had to accept it, and let her go. Yet the pain only felt deeper than when I got the news the night before.
I had dozed off on the bed next to her, when I woke up to her moan, it was a moan that said “I am in serious pain.”
I remember seeing my aunt helping the nurse move her a bit and my reaction came with some anger, “What are you guys doing to her!?” I yelled.
The nurse responded, “Honey, we have to clean her up and change her.”
My mom did not want to be moved or touched at all, she continued to moan with frustration and I could see the tears in my aunts eyes as she also suffered to see her in this pain.
I rememeber thinking…
“This is sssooo not what she wanted!”

My mother was what we would call a “Independent Warrior”:
She fought for what she believed in, even if she stood alone.
She’d do anything for those she loved, even if it meant starving herself to feed them.
She made it clear she needed no one or their approval to get what she wanted.

She was a single mom for most of her life, except when she was married to my step dad but even then she never depended on him or anyone to get things done.
She never got government help to raise us, she never told family to pick us up when we were down (even though they constantly offered) and some how she always found the resources, time and energy to get us through EVERYTHING and still help others.
On those last three days, our little place was filled with so many people.
Some I didn’t even know but they knew of me, and every single one of them started their stories with:

“Your mom HELPED me…”

The day of her viewing we had only ordered 250 memorial cards and we ran out.
The days were such a blur for me, but what I did know for sure is that there was over 250 people who attended.

I rememeber a lady crying as she looked at my mom and said, “No god, why these beautiful hands? Why this beautiful lady that always gave me a helping hand.”

So as I watched her moan, I knew she was upset.
I knew she was not happy to be leaving this earth not being able to do anything for herself.
Then the nurse said,
“Is her mom (my grandma) on her way? I don’t think she’ll make it through the night, she is no longer releasing body waist.”
The tears came running down as I held her hand, I had finally accepted it, but I still couldn’t understand why God was taking the most important person in my life from me.
A couple minutes later my little brother Kevin came walking in the room.
I could see the confusion and the pain in that 11 year olds face as he tried to hide it and be “strong”
He said “Why was mommy making that noise, is she okay? and Why are you crying agggaaiiinnnn…”
I didn’t need to answer, as Kevin got close to her and held her hand a tear started running down her face.
She was in pain,
And maybe not just in pain from the Cancer, she was in pain because she also knew it would soon be time for her to go and it was killing her to be leaving her children all alone.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

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A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

ONE AM.

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After every girl and every lie.
Followed every excuse I could possibly make to believe that I was well deserved of the hurt you caused me.

-Kbeautifulmind

This is for…
Every girl who’s had those late nights.
Who’ve stayed up waiting for him to call.
Who’ve smelled the perfume on his collar.
Who’ve seen the lip gloss on his lips.
Who’ve seen the pictures on his email.
Who’ve looked through his phone as he slept next to you, only to discover more lies.
Only to feel that you were not good enough for him…
as you ask yourself…
“What am I doing wrong?
What does she got that I don’t?
So you use the cheating as blame on yourself…
Allowing the love you felt to fource you into making excuses for him and using it all as an excuse to only try harder to impress him.

Word of advise… STOP.

You will never be good enough…
Not because your not good enough, but because you are too good for him, too good for him to ever see your worth through the bodies of those woman fullfilling his insecurities.
Know your worth!
-Kbeautifulmind

The date of the fourth

I saved the date.
You said good bye, the night cold as ice, as I stood in the rain, with that sharp pain in my heart.
I could not understand, what had I done wrong, all the pain you had already caused, but I brushed it right off.
So why was it me?
The one paying for this, watching you go, I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t understand.
No, I just couldn’t see pass you leaving.
But I saved the date.
And it’s crazy how wonderful time can be.
I’m better than I should be,
I’m better than you left me, when you gave me that call.
I’m stronger than that girl, the one you pushed around, as you played games with her heart.
I’m better than I should be,
I’m better than you left me, you see baby…
I don’t think you’d even know me anymore.
I’m confident and satisfied, my heart has healed from the wounds of your departure.
Because I’m better than I should be,
I’m better than you left me, now that I realized you did me a favor.
Now I love deeper,
Laugh so much louder,
Feel so much happier because I saved the date of the fourth.

-Kbeautifulmind

The sacrifice

I wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loved.
She took on a responsibility she never desired, as a matter of fact she was so careful in her own personal decisions just to never be in her shoes.
The struggles of her hero were the birth control she used in order to never fall in the same hole.
I wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loved.
She took on the responsibility that no one else wanted, if they only knew how many people told her no.
She had no choice but to leave them to her, she had no choice but to put her kids in her hands.
They both knew this would be hard, they both knew she’d lose and be the one to come in last.
But she asked her…
And she accepted.
She made a promise and as hard as it may get, she won’t break it.
I just wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loves.

-Kbeautifulmind

To think I was tired…

Exactly a year ago this picture was taken.

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To think I was tired.
Tired of sleeping in cold hospital chairs.
Tired of sleeping with fear as I constantly woke up to look next to me in bed and make sure you were still breathing.
Tired of watching you moan with pain and sob with fear.
Tired of watching the woman I’ve always seen struggle for her kids, now struggle as she fought for her life.
Tired of seeing the strongest woman I ever knew get deteriorated by and ugly disease that made her weak.
Tired, I was tired of watching you slowly wash away in front of me, knowing there was nothing I could do.
I was tired, but as hard as time was then, I’d go back in the blink of an eye.
Because even though It has gotten easier….
Today Im tired, tired of missing you and waking up to a stoned box that is very beautiful but can’t hug back.
Tired of waking up to silence because it doesn’t tell me “Buenos dias huevona”
Tired of crying to it knowing it can’t talk back when I need you.
Today marks 10 months since you been gone and I know its selfish and you are in a better place but Im tired of missing you and I wish you were here, even if we were still fighting this battle.
I hope the angels know what they have momma, because I really miss you.

Kbeautifulmind

I thought I was a victim

I thought I was a victim, am I not good enough I’d ask myself?
What do I have to do, to grab his full attention?
What can I do to change him, to have him see that I am what he needs?
He says I’m the one and tells the same story to all of our loved ones, but at night he rushes to his contact list to see who he can get attention from.
I thought I was a victim, so I’d despise him everytime; kicking myself thinking “maybe you are not good enough.”
You need to be smarter, learn how to drive better, don’t speak to much, don’t over think, don’t share your feelings, don’t bother him to the extremes.
I thought I was a victim because he made me feel that way, then I realized I played apart in my own unhappiness by deciding to stay.
-Kbeautifulmind

Pain…

It’s Friday night and well most of my friend’s are in some kind of relationship, so if they are with their significant others I pretty much have nothing to do… lol.

There for I’m sitting on my little red couch, watching “The Fault in our Stars” knowing I’m going to cry but eeeehhh what the hell right?

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As I sit here and watch this movie with that sappy feeling in my body because of such cute romance between these two young kids who through cancer have learned to live and enjoy every minute of life even if they are not always happy or even if it is not always easy.
I began to think about the first time I fell in love, and the second time I fell in love and all the beautiful moments and promises made and I can’t help but smile at the memories.

I think about love and I can’t help but wonder…

“If love works the way they say it does and we all get a soul mate and our other half’s are out there somewhere, then it actually must be worth it in the end, right?”

What exactly?

Well the pain, if pain is meant to be felt then it has to be worth something right?
Pain, according to the dictionary…
pain
pān/Submit
noun
1.
physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
“she’s in great pain”
synonyms: suffering, agony, torture, torment, discomfort More
ache, aching, soreness, throb, throbbing, sting, stinging, twinge, shooting pain, stab, pang, cramps;
discomfort, irritation, tenderness
mental suffering or distress.
“the pain of loss”
synonyms: sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, unhappiness, distress, desolation, misery, wretchedness, despair; More
informal
an annoying or tedious person or thing.
noun: pain in the neck; plural noun: pains in the neck
“she’s a pain”
2.
careful effort; great care or trouble.
“she took pains to see that everyone ate well”
synonyms: care, effort, bother, trouble
“he took great pains to hide his feelings”
verb
verb: pain; 3rd person present: pains; past tense: pained; past participle: pained; gerund or present participle: paining
1.
cause mental or physical pain to.
“it pains me to say this”
synonyms: hurt, cause pain, be painful, be sore, be tender, ache, throb, sting, twinge, cause discomfort; More

So that is pain, it’s something that just hurts weather it’s physical, emotional, or just plain makes no sense and you don’t know where it’s coming from it’s just something that hurts but we all have to try and learn to live with it.

So let me ask you again…
If pain is meant to be felt with the chance that something beautiful will come out of it in the end or at the chance you took to experience something beautiful that brought you pain later then it just HAS to be worth it, right?

Well of course it is…
I say it is!

I mean I’m just a twenty-four year old gal who sits at home on her red couch on a Friday night watching sappy movies that she knows are going to make her cry a waterfall…

But I am also a gal that has been through alot and as a personal victim of a cancer scare myself and someone who lived a hard childhood with bull shit after bull shit and then lost her Best Friend to Cancer it’s self…

I say the pain is totally worth it!
I say that who cares if your heart gets broken again and again and again, and yes death might take some people before you and make you experience the worst pain of them all, and yes other life situations might even add more to the pain but it’s totally worth it.

It’s worth the memories, it’s worth the laughs, it’s worth the meaningful hugs, the long lasting kisses, it’s worth the moments that feel like the whole world has stopped in that moment of happiness, its worth the beautiful pictures we take of all these moments and it’s definitely worth that moment when love takes over your body and soul and gives you those butterflies that make the pain of life go away, even if it’s not forever.

Pain is meant to be felt, and you sadly don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world but in the end it’s truly worth it.
It’s painful but worthy because it was the end of something that was once so beautiful and meaningful to YOU.

Okay?
-Kbeautifulmind

Grudge

It had been a couple of years since he last saw her.
He remembers being mad at her, because she broke him, she gave up on them after she had promised she never would.
Some how that smile still made him nervous.
It had been a couple of years since she last saw him.
She remembers he was angry, how could he say such mean things to someone he claimed to love so much?
She knows she was wrong, she freaked out and gave up, but she couldn’t take it back because he was moved on.
Yet he looked so beautiful, and she knew she’d always miss him.

Years later there they were…

It was like the world stopped in it’s tracks and no one else existed…
There he was and there she was only the window of the car, a grudge he still held, the pain that still stung in her heart and the street in between them.

But some how it was a beautiful encounter, because it showed in their faces, their eyes, and both of their expressions that after all these years something was still felt.

-kbeautifulmind