Tag: pain

Isn’t it crazy?

My mom, my family, my friends, and lovers, they’ve always praised it.
What you ask?
Well my big heart.
They’ve always told me that having such a heart was a privilege to have, a unique gift in deed.
My mother would say…
Being nice will always bring you good karma.
People will always envy your strenght and courage, because they know that even when times are bad you’ll always come out on top.
My family would say…
We love how you don’t fight for the pointless things, you always let things go and let god take care of what you can’t control.
My friends would say…
You’re always here when we need you, and you listen to our thoughts.
You are caring, you go the extra mile and you always try.
You’re a shoulder to lean on, when someone needs to cry.
My lovers would say…
You are so compassionate, and you believe in (me.)
You don’t give up, and you fight for the both of us.
You don’t hold grudges and you truly forgive.
You give so many chances, and still trust in thee.
All these things were nice to hear, and I know it benefit them all…
But why wasn’t anyone ever honest with me?
Why didn’t they say that being this way would also affect me in deed?
People know how to take advantage of me, assuming I’ll always be “okay,” because I am strong.
Why didn’t they tell me that being nice would bring me more tears than smiles, pretty rainbows, and graceful love?
Why didn’t they tell me that wearing my heart on my sleeve would get me hurt, for the most part?
Why didn’t they warn me, that people would always know that it was the perfect weapon they could use against me?
Isn’t it crazy?
That no one could tell me that what they loved so much about me, is the one thing that would destroy me?
and this was something they all knew…
-Kbeautifulmind

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He woke up and it was too darn early…
The alarm kept going off.
It was a gloomy morning, and it looked like it was going to rain.

He looked next to him and there she was, naked, laying on her stomach, with her curly hair all over the place.
As he watched her breathe and sleep so peacefully he could still see the scars on her back from the knife of her previous lover.
He caressed them softly and thought…

“I want to protect her. I could truly love her someday, I want to be the one to heal that heart so that she never feels pain again.”

She woke up, turned and looked at him.

“Good morning!” He said.

“Good morning handsome,” and she smiled.

“Have you been awake this whole time?”

“No, but I did wake up before you and I was just thinking, as I watched you sleep…”

“About?”

“I was wondering… do you still feel the pain? Do you still remember him?”

She paused and saw it all in her head again, but it no longer moved her.

“I’ll never forget; How can you forget one of the most memorable lessons of your life?
You can’t, the lessons of life are our best teachers.” She smiled and kissed him softly.

In that moment he knew…
He knew that he could truly in deed love her someday, and that she would sincerely love him back and also heal his wounds.

“The broken pair”

-Kbeautifulmind

She made a promise

She made a promise to herself, not because she wanted to shut and lock all the doors to love.

She made this promise because the pain from the games were still too raw.

She knew her worth, exactly what she wanted, and what she very well deserved.

So she laid her offer on the table and walked out that door with all the hurt.

As she shut the door, she felt the fear drifting and a proud feeling in her chest.

She knew that if she kept her promise, it would all be worth it in the end, for the one who got to taste her body again would be the one to never hurt her or let it end.

-Kbeautifulmind

Until we meet again

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Every time I smile,
Every time I cry,
I think of your face, and the thoughts escape my mind.
“What would it be like if you were still here, if we had won our battle and could now be stress free?”
You were my world,
Two parents in one,
My soft mom to cry with, and my tough dad to punish me when I was wrong.
My inspiration for my future, and the faith in my heart.
But now that you’ve left me, it can be so hard not to fall apart.
You were my best friend,
My one true role model in this life,
And that’s not all you were,
You were also my mom.
You were always my strength when I lost hope, therefor at times now I feel weak and alone.
You showed me right from wrong, and made sure I never lost my kind heart and always stayed humble.
And when times got hard, I knew I’d be okay because you gave me strength to hold and push on.
When I was afraid, you’d remind me that together we could face anything.
No one else could do what you’ve done for me.
I never imagined a day like this, where I’d have to live with out you and lose my team.
But if there is anyone I want to make proud, it’s you my dear mom.
So I’ll wipe off my tears and put on a smile, as I try to always remind myself you’re still here in my heart.

“Until we meet again” – Maricela Arellano Lopez

-Kbeautifulmind

Set her free

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I held her hand as her color changed.
The change in her face told me it was time to say goodbye.
A last breath as I watched her die, her body finally releasing it’s self from all of the pain.
I stroked her hair and caressed her pretty face, I couldn’t believe I was losing the driving force in my life.
I quietly whispered…
“What am I going to do with out you by my side?”
I knew her answer, but I just needed to hear it one more time.
I couldn’t face that I would never hear her voice again.
I looked at her with hope, hope that she’d open those beautiful eyes again.
I needed her to see the pain I held inside.
Maybe then, she wouldn’t leave.
Maybe she could then ask God to allow her to stay with me.
I watched those around me shed their tears, saw the look in the face of my siblings as they drowned in their sorrow and fear.
I wondered if they knew I was dying in side?
I felt like a failure, for this was the first battle her and I had actually lost.
I asked her in thoughts…
“Didn’t you say it would all be okay?”
This is not okay…
There is an agony growing in side of me, at the thought that I will no longer have my best friend here to take on life with me.
One last time I kissed her face, and gave her hand a tight squeeze.
I wanted to carry her away and keep her, yet I knew it was time to set her free.

-Kbeautifulmind

The Goodbye

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A year ago today, my loving, caring, helpful and beautiful mother left this earth.

I’ll never forget the pain I felt on that night.
The nurse had said she wouldn’t make it through the night on April 21st.
Yet we kept asking her to please hold on, as her mother was now on her way.
The day of her death was filled with anxiety and fear.
You see, being the stuborn and independent woman my mom was she had requested for my grandma not to know the truth about her cancer.
However it was now too late, and my grandma was on her way to California with out knowing why my mom was truly leaving us.
My grandma arrived about two hours before my mom passed.
She began to ask “Why won’t she wake up?”
Her kids would tell her “She’s really sick mom, we must let her rest.”
Then she said “Wake up mija, look it’s me your mom, I have arrived to see you. Let me put this ointment on you mija. Please get up, I know it will help you feel better.”
I began to cry, it was so painful to see my beautiful grandma in so much pain and confusion.
So she looked at me with tears in my eyes and said, “She isn’t going to wake up, is she?”
Her kids answered and said “She’s going to be okay mom, she just needs to rest…”
all you heard after that was the broken words of a heart broken mother.

“Stop! Stop lying to me. I am her mother, I KNOW.”

The rest of the time we prayed, we sung, and we cried. One by one everyone began to say their goodbyes and whisper what they needed to say into her ear.
Her siblings called from Mexico and one by one with the phone to my mom’s ear they also had the chance to tell her what they wanted.
Her breathing slowly began to change, she now had her mouth wide open as she gasped for air, and she was loosing her color.
However she continued to fight and hold on, at first we believed it was for my grandma but for some reason even with my grandma already there she didn’t seem like she wanted to go.
The nurse then said to me “It’s time, get your siblings together, you must say goodbye, her breathing has changed drastically.”
As I called my siblings closer, I could see the pain in their eyes.
Christopher only fifteen years old was angry and the tears he had been holding in came running down his face like a waterfall at full speed.
Kevin at eleven years old seemed to have it more together than most of us.
Without any tears he walked up to her and said “I love you so much mom. I’m going to be strong just like I promised you.”
My sister and I broke down and laid next to her.
Then the nurse said… “She is still fighting, I’ve never had a patient with such strenght to fight on. You guys must tell her it’s okay to let go.”

So that’s exactly what I did…
“Mommy, I know your worried, I can feel it. It’s okay to let go now, we are all here by your side and even if your worried, I promise I’m going to give it my all to take over and take the best care of everyone. I know your sad mommy, but you can count on me, I promise. Te quieto mucho mommy, y dios sabe que te voy a extrañar demasiado pero recuerda…
“Solo asta que nos volvamos a ver”
“Until we meet again”

Then only minutes later with everyone there in the room…
She opened her eye’s one last time, took a look around the entire room and took her last breathe as her eyes shut forever.

I thought I was ready but in just seconds I panicked, I broke down, and fell into a dizzy spell.

This was really it…
We lost the battle.

-Kbeautifulmind