Tag: Life

How does your subconscious pick its taste in music?

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It’s The fourth of July and I am stuck at work…
But then again money is money no matter the Holiday. Most people spend it more on the Holiday’s anyway…
So Im here listening to music and it made me think, How does my mind and ears decide what sounds they like to hear?
I mean I never really thought of it but almost all of my favorite songs or type of music I like really relates to how I like everything else…
For example Im a sucker for romance and I like soft romantic music weather its in Spanish, Italian, Jazz, soft rock or Pop and especially Country♥
I love all kinds of music but youll never catch me listening to loud rock or club house music, I just cant seem to relate to it and actually find it a bit annoying.
I love Spanish music because it sings to my soul, it represents my culture and it brings back memories of when I was little and my auntie and mom would be singing and cooking in the kitchen as happy as can be. They would pick us up to dance with them twirling us until we’d get to heavy to continue ha ha.
I have a thing for Jazz especially the old school stuff or as deep as a little mix like Frank Sinatra and the newer stuff like Michael Bubble. When I fell in love for the first time Michael Bubble was my go to guy Id turn him up put my window’s down and enjoy the feeling 🙂
Since I discovered him he’s my “happy mood” music.
Country music and hip hop sing to my life and what I want out of it.
Country Music makes me think of a future someday with kids and a house with a big back yard. It reminds me of how much I value life, god, my family, friendship and love.
Hip Hop and rap Ive recently got into but if its the good underground stuff it sort of “pumps” me up and reminds me of my ambition and how no matter what happeneds I will continue to fight on to be successful…
I guess the reason why I find this interesting is because I wonder if you can know a bit about a person just by knowing what music they listen to…
and if so…
What does this say about me to others?

bored and curious;
Kbeautifulmind.

If I won the lottery

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I can not sleep and I have work all day tomorrow so that’s not good…
I was fine just laying here in bed, I have a big bed so ever since we found out about my moms cancer we sleep together I sleep to one side and she sleeps to the other with plenty of space for like a third person. I sleep with her because I feel safer this way knowing Im right by her side in case of anything…
Than I bothered to look over and I noticed she fell asleep and looks very uncomfortable with like five pillows keeping her half up like she is almost sitting down and I know its because she can’t really breath sometimes. We told the doctor but he said her lungs sound fine I don’t know what the issue is and its driving me nuts!
So I began to think of when my mom and I use to say “What would we do if we won the lottery someday?”
By the way we never play it is so rare but once in a blue moon we would each get a dollar and buy a ticket and wed always say what we would do…
She would say “I would open up a business something where I could help out alot of people, not just people I know but alot alot of people Id probably buy a house and pay off all our debt and bills so that we never stress again”

I use to say “I would buy you a house and myself one, Id also buy you a restaurant, pay/give you back all the money you have used to do stuff for me and Id go on a big shopping spree as well as go to real poor areas of the world and help them out.”
Man we were dorks… But we dreamed funny probably not what we would do exactly…
and tonight I sit here feeling like I was starting to have an anxiety attack wondering again why my lord oh lord is my mom sick at age 45 with a un curable lung cancer?
Im also thinking of what we would say to each other if we asked again “What we would do if we won the Lottery?”

If I won the lottery I would pay for my mom to see the best doctors on this planet, get thousands of other opinions and if I cant find the cure find something to pro long her life for a very very long time, I would be able to give her that good rest of her life Ive always wanted and take her on trips, help her relax! I would help her breath, eat, sleep, live… oh god Id give my life for her…
Again I ask why her? Why my super woman?
Late night post;
Kbeautifulmind

What truly matters

“You are beautiful no matter what they say”

I never been one to care for judgment, weather I was called ugly or fat, or pretty and sexy. The truth my appearance has always been more of a personal thing the only thing that I kept to myself. I can honestly say I get ready for me, and it is so personal that I even prefer to shop alone.

However I have my moments when I see girls that are thinner and that’s my weakness… ha ha.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

I always thought this saying was very funny, however my feelings on this subject are mutual.

You see… If its someone that I don’t know or have any feelings for, well it doesn’t matter to me what they have to say I actually find it very funny and I cant help but laugh.

But when it comes to someone that I truly care about, someone who holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances anything can hurt my feelings. But I’ll admit Im so fast at brushing it off and moving forward.
A “wise” guy once told me I was a horrible person and a manipulator always trying to mold people to my own ways and so selfish that I would let go of some of the “BEST” friendships I could have ever had…
I actually let this get to me I was so sad I truly began to wonder if I was that bad of a person.
For a while I thought I really couldn’t keep friends since I no longer had a big “group” of oh so wonderful people by my side, and I thought of the people that were around for short terms and said maybe I did screw that up? But than one day it clicked…. I had met a girl who I thought would be my friend for a long time and she got upset and didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I couldn’t make it to an event do to work one night, that night I told myself “Oh god I really can’t keep friends can I?” And laughed it off because I didn’t realize I already have the best friends I could ever ask for. You see the wise guy was talking about a group of people who were never my friends, two quote on quote “good friends” One of them was a bit selfish and without realizing it used me to give her rides and to cover up for her while the hole time I just truly needed her to listen to me and support me. The other a true emotional reck who envied everything others had and accidentally called me with out knowing as she talked bad about me in the back ground ha ha yeah some friend! Now the hater who wanted my life/relationship is claiming to be “Best Friends” with this wise guy? Than as I left that life behind me than came the girl who ended up being a back stabbing big ol’ slut than came another girl who was mad because little old me had to work. But the best part of it all is that Ive had my good friends by my side all along a handful of people with class, strength, ambition to succeed and the ability to understand and know that we can no longer have sleep overs and talk on the phone about boys/girls and clothes all day and that sometimes we might go days or months with out talking but that no matter what our friendship is as true as the land we walk on everyday.
Today my mom said to me “You know hun I remember not so long ago you were an emotional reck in serious believe that god was punishing you do to stupid things in life that had no worth! And after we found out about my cancer I feel like you have really changed for the better at not allowing the smallest things bother you even if they are said by someone who owns your heart or is/was a big part of your life. You have always been this strong I just feel like you had lost it and I can truly say this is the strongest and most confident Ive ever seen you in a long time!”
The truth I have found to know that when friendships, relationships or just life it’s self falls upon you and tares you apart (so it seems) it doesn’t mean that your a “horrible” person it just means that your a picky person, someone who knows her/his value and what you deserve still going out of your way to giving the opportunity to people to change and if they don’t than let them free to do and be who they please.
I wouldn’t call that trying to mold people…
I could be wrong, but what I do know is that when you give your life, trust, and unconditional love to those people in your life and all you want is the same thing… It really isn’t that much to ask for, its actually what truly matters.
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

It doesn’t discriminate

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Today we are finishing session number two. This place reeks of alcohol, there is so many people here all of different colors, ethnicities, class, weight, and hight all with different stories and cancers.

You can see a person’s whole life in the cancer they get.

I’ve had a chance to talk to a couple of people…
This girl is my age 22 years old and has cancer, her name is Ann. I wanted to hug her she is so pretty, she lives in South Pasadena. She lost all her friends as soon as she let them know… She said “They always make excuses why we can’t hang out but my boyfriend keeps me busy” than she fell asleep…
This other man seems about 50 his white cells don’t come out “correctly” I didn’t catch the name of his cancer. Six years ago they gave him 3 months to live the doctor told him there was no hope, he responded “only god knows that one sir” and he said the doctor was so annoyed by his response… Now he is still alive coming in every two weeks for some medication that gets injected into his veins.
Another lady was crying I gave her a tissue and continue reading my book… She laughed and asked me ” You probably think I look stupid for crying?” I told her “No mam I understand your pain” so she told me… “You know… Finding out I had cancer was hard but I had strength and hope, as my chemo went on I felt stronger… Last week I was in what seemed my last chemo and the results came back saying “It didn’t work” just like that! All the crap they put into my body and it just didn’t work! Does that make any sense??????…. Well it doesn’t and here I am again…” I didn’t know what to say… Because it does suck and I wish these people weren’t going through this including my momma.
However it made me realize that when we got the news and I was asking god “Why her? Why us???” There was my answer the cancer does not discriminate, it didn’t pick the rich young girl for her class status, age, beauty and those things also didn’t save her from the disease. It didn’t purposely scare the man into thinking he had only 3 months left, the cancer also didn’t decide to just not work on the lady for her skin color or hight. The cancer didn’t walk around and say “I pick you and you and you too!” The cancer isn’t a karma, a payback, a gift… Sadly it’s just flat out BAD LUCK to some people and if you believe in god like my mother and I do… You’d say what she says… ” It’s just a test of faith.”
The truth I don’t know what this is or why it’s even made its way into our lives? I just pray that it brought its boxing gloves and a protecting mouth piece because we are going to fight it until it can’t get up anymore even if we are on the ground with it!
Thanks for reading;
kbeautifulmind

Im right and your wrong and there is nothing you can do about it.

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“Argument is the peace you cannot seem to find with the discomforts with in yourself” -me

.I was arguing/debating with a friend the other night about a personal issue that was with in me, something that bothers me and as much as I feel I have let it go the fact that people are so ignorant to understand why when its brought up it upsets me… Is still a issue to me.
You know what I can not stand? Liars… You guys are probably thinking “Hypocrite” yes I am, because I have lied a couple of white lies and some big lies… However I personally hate liars and people who are full of bull and act so fake, I also hate pity and I feel like all of this comes from pity! People who can’t man up and let you know how it is…
However like I said I have done it And I am sure we all have so I feel that once you have failed at that step its time admit you were wrong, ask for forgiveness (if you want it) and show the person you lied to it will never happen again! However sadly this world dosnt work that way, reason why our political parties could never come together as one, why parents and teenagers have never ending drama, and also the reason why AMAZING relationships go down the drain.
So arguments will continue with people as long as they need to until someone steps up to the plate and lets it go… No matter how much a person may be mad, seem like they hate you, tell you your worthless, no matter what… If you step down from the argument accept their decisions/answers, then the better you can live with yourself.
You see expertise isn’t really necessary in order to present a valid argument or intelligent opinion. The necessity here is maturity. After all people don’t say “If you want to show a good impression to someone be mature and polite and never argue about religion or debate” for no reason; Why is that? Because arguments get you no where! They strap you down to your seat filled with drama from the past or a “in the moment” issue that in a couple of hours like the past won’t mean anything!
Best way to fix this…
Let go of whatever is bothering you “forgive others like you’d like to be forgiven if ever in their shoes”
Let it go and work on it on your own for dealing with someone else’s mouth and trying to get them to realize or understand is pointless.
Last but not least if you cant forgive let it go.
Sincerely;
Kbeautifulmind

Promise Yourself

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When you are feeling down, disappointed, and helpless make yourself a promise like I do, allow yourself reassurance and remind your self to have faith that all will fall back into place…
My promise to myself:

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”-Unknown

Over the last 4 years I have had the most breakdowns and saddest moments but this poem right here is what keeps me motivated.

Inspired;
Kbeautifulmind

Hello everyone!

So I made my blog so that I could express my thoughts, however my bio also encourages any comments, concerns and questions from the public and tonight I am very happy because I finally received my first email/question!!! smile.

She says:

Kbeautifulmind,

Let me start off by saying that your blog is pretty interesting, I like your posts because you can tell you just write. You don’t try to word them “just right” what you write is truly just you, almost feels like I am having a conversation with you when I read them. I can also relate to them, they remind me of my life which is why I am writing to you to share with you my situation and see what you have to say about it? First off, Hi my name is April! I am a freshman in college and I grew up in a small town where I had a small group of friends and we were all very very very close! Unfortunately we all ended up in different schools and things are just not the same like when we were in high school. I know it has only been one semester but I feel as if I am loosing my friends, I try so hard to call and email and hang out when I can and they are just not putting in the same effort I am! They also have new friends now, I feel as if I am being replaced what should I do?

Hope you you can reply to this in a blog post, cannot wait to read,

April.

Hi April!

I’d like to thank you for the wonderful comment about my blog, I am glad to know someone is actually reading and well to reply to it I do JUST WRITE! Ha Ha I am actually a horrible speller and I can never seem to word things right but I sure can ramble on and on and on! smile.

Well here it goes this post is for you…

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“The past is called the past for a reason”

I’d like to start of by saying that no one should ever give up on anything or anyone in their lives if they feel its/they are worth fighting for, you would rather be saying “I gave it my all and it just didn’t turn out like I expected” than to be saying “I got scared and gave up and now I’m living with the regret”

So my first advise to April is to not give up on your friends tell them exactly how you feel about the situation and how things have turned out and let them know that you do not want to loose their friendship! Always remember communication is key no matter the type of relationship.

Now to better answer your question I’m going to relate to your situation…

I personally have always been a person of different emotions specially when it came to relationships with others.
I am the kind of person that if hurt or rejected I tend to run and let go of the situation instead of facing it and well If I were in your shoes like I have been before Id just feel neglected and run off loosing friendships and the bonds with people who I care about so much.

I think what makes me this way is because I tend to give my all into anything from day one and always build the perfect relationship with others even in just regular friendships. So when I get hurt and I feel betrayed or I begin to feel neglected than I tend to just shut down and I’m no longer who I use to be.

Like April I have had some very close friends some who I stopped talking to because they hurt me and others who I fell apart with, with out understanding why?

and the truth some I missed a lot! Those are the ones who I still tried to connect with. Over the years I tried so hard to communicate with them and hold on to the relationships to try and interact and keep things the same.

However with time I have accepted that “The past is called the past for a reason”. I have accepted that people grown and change and everyone moves on, and I have realized that that’s not such a bad thing. I have also accepted that I myself need to live in the present and look forward to the future. I mean why am I going to dwell on situations and moments I cannot change? There is no reason why I should be trying to re live moments in my life I have already experienced, go places where I have already been and not allowing my self to discover the wonderful new things that await for me.

So with this I leave you April and all other readers…

If there is someone in your life who you are reaching out to, weather it is a group of friends or anyone else and they just aren’t appreciating the attention you are giving them, do not be afraid to continue on with your life specially if you are in a new place like college. You can still discover what life has to offer and hold on to the memories and good times you shared with those people and if they truly care about you they will reach out eventually and make some effort of their own to be apart of your wonderful new life.

April! Don’t sweat it, allow yourself to make new friends of your own and if your friends truly appreciate the bond you guys have build through out the years they will eventually make some effort of their own. However do not forget to talk to them and tell them how you feel as a way of saying you at least “let them know”.

Thank you so much for reading,

Kbeautifulmind

Back to that same old place

Hello everyone;

I’m honestly not sure if I have any regular readers but If I do I’d like to thank you all for reading.

and If I have regular readers than you all know it has been a while since I have written, the truth I have been very busy with school and work and well just plain old life. As a matter of fact I should be doing homework right now but I really felt like writing,smile.

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

There is something I have been thinking about for these past days…

I have heard before that we are all destined to live our lives a certain way. I never been a believer of that…

I have always believed that you make your own destiny and what happens to you only happened to you as a result of a decision you made to get there.

I mean could it really be possible that we were born into this world to live a certain way and no matter what we do to try and change it, it will just fall right back into that “same old place”?

I can honestly say that I still do not believe that’s possible…

However sometimes life seems to feel this way…

I like all of us have some regrets in life as well as mistakes I know I have made but for the most part I have learned and asked for forgiveness and if not forgiven I forgave myself and tried to move forward. I also know that some of the worst things that have happened to me with time have to be my karma for any pain I have caused others and myself.

Could it be possible that it is all karma?

I mean there is nothing super awesome about me that makes me better than anyone else but I do know that even after all my flaws and personal issues I make a pretty cool human being and some people would be lucky to have me in their lives.

I still cannot help but feel like no matter how much I try to run away, ignore, or leave the presence of people who are negative, I keep coming back to that same old place. So of course that brings me back to myself and wondering if I’m that bad of a person to deserve such people by my side or if these are the kind of people I attract.

Than I think of my location and my future looks more blurry than it ever has it seems like every day I wake its just a repeat of yesterday and will only repeat its self again tomorrow…

Just back to that same old place…

I ALWAYS say I need to leave this town and eventually I will, I just need the courage to just pack my bags and go and start it all over where no one knows my name.

So till than this place may be the same old place but its definitely not the same old day and I just need to stay positive.

Even though times get hard, and the people by my side arn’t the most appreciative of having me by their side I think that I need for things to happen the way they do, so that I could open my eyes and learn. Learn, grow, and change. Everyday I get the chance to wake I get a chance at another day to better myself, and become the person I was meant to be.

and with this I leave you…

If you are reading this and you don’t feel like your getting anywhere or people around you arnt really appreciating you weather it is your boss, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sibling or even children do not feel like its your fault. Don’t let these hard times in your life make you feel like your not worth much or even like you deserve it just let it all be a reason to know that you will only continue to become a better YOU.

and that even if you are stuck in the same old place, times will get better and those who do not appreciate you might not be lucky enough to some day even know you.

Thank you for reading;

Kbeautifulmind

I’m the same person

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“I’m still the same person, you just got to see the bad side of me”

Yesterday as I was ringing up a customer at the register I had a horrible experience, this lady was in the worst mood a person could be in. She was very upset because our athletic clothes only went up to size XL in youth sizes and she needed an XXL for her son. As she walked up I could tell she was upset but I still greeted her very nicely asking her How she was doing and she responded…. “I hate this dam store, you guys never have anything that fits my son, his game is in an hour and to top it off I couldn’t find anyone to help me out” I apologized for the in convenience and continued to ring her up. Than she had the nerve to tell me “Could you stop taking your sweet as f#$%ing time” Like if it was my fault that she bought three hundred dollars worth of clothes that all had the alarm activating protectors on them. I hurried up not even folding her items and than I asked “We no longer give out bags for free did you want to buy one for your items or will you be carrying them out” After this it was like I just said “Your kid is fat that’s why he cant fit in to our youth clothes, you should start cooking more healthy, your husband and you fight because you don’t know how to communicate your issues that’s if your not divorced yet, and your mad at the world only because you want to be,get your life together learn to have confidence in yourself and it wont be so hard.” She got so upset with me that she started yelling asking me “How are you going to dare charge me for a bag after all the dam shit I just bought for you? My money is the reason why you have a dam job!” and she grabbed all her stuff and left…

The truth I was upset! I wanted to jump over the counter and attack her like a Lion after his lunch.

Than I began to realize that her actions were nothing personal she did not know anything about me she was just mad at the world do to her personal issues.

Unless she was like that all the time? Than my prayers go out to her poor family.

At my lunch I was finally able to relax, however I couldn’t help and continue to think of how much of a mean person that lady had been. So I began to think of all of the times some one had told me “I hate you” “Your so rude” “Your so mean, I don’t like you” “My friends don’t like you because you were mean to me”

and I said to myself does that mean I am a horrible person? or did I just make some poor choices?

and well that’s everyone’s own opinion however I always have gotten more positive feed back about who I am than negative feed back and the truth is that I KNOW I’m not a horrible person and I know that lady wasn’t either.

Sometimes life can get so hard that we don’t know how to handle it.

So I say…

Never allow the judgement of a handful of people define who you are specially if its from a incident that happened on a bad day. If you know you’ve made some poor choices or have made the mistake to mistreat someone with out taking their feelings into consideration. Understand you made a mistake, explained what went wrong and why you reacted in such way and truly apologize if your sorry. Than if they do not forgive you just let it go, pray that they forgive you some day and move forward with the intentions of everyday improving your life style to become a better person.

and If your the person judging someone and hating them because of one incident where they hurt your feelings… Let it go! Think of all the good time you’ve had with that person and remember they are only human and like you deserve to be forgiven for that incident. Don’t trash talk them or represent them as a horrible person to the rest of the world for than the issue is with in you, and holding on to that grudge is only going to hurt you in the long run.

Thank you for reading;

kbeautifulmind

Its not about the money its about the power

“How much money can a person spend?”

My inspiration for this post have been many things from seeing how hard I work every day and how fast money can go, to all of the world wide issues we have today.

A couple of nights ago I sat at Starbucks as I watched the presidential debate and I began to wonder what life would be like if we were all equally financially balanced… What life would be like without so much greed?

The other day I ordered myself a pair of shoes I been wanting for a while now, they cost me $120.00 dollars which by the way only cost the makers about $3.00 to make. After my purchase I began to kick myself and say “This was not a NEED it was a WANT.” Later on I told myself… “Relax you have taken care of all of your responsibilities it was something you deserved!”

Then I began to think am I the only crazy one that thinks this way?

There are people everywhere that buy things just to feel better about themselves and feel more powerful…

Research has shown there are people all around the world that suffer of diseases like Bulimia, Anorexia, as well as Kleptomania due to the influences of the media and the Hollywood life style. Just like these diseases you have shopaholics and attention seekers who feel that the material things of life are what really matter. People have lost everything they once had because they did not know how to budget their money, others have also found the need to steel to get that “thing” they want. Last but not least Californian’s are breaking the law and cheating the government system of help to fulfill the desire of having nice things they cannot afford.

The truth is; “It’s not about the money it’s about the power”

People do not buy things because they can afford it; over half of California owes a lot of money to credit card companies. So you began to thing “Why would people want to be in so much dept?” The truth is it’s the power, that feeling that makes some one feel complete or happy to have things they cannot afford just to shove it in the faces of toughs less fortunate.

And with that said I leave you with this…

Stop trying to be something you’re not. Remember that looking like Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, or having the fine things that Kim Kardashian and her sisters have don’t make you a better you. What is life if you’re trying to live your life in the shadows of others? When you try to live your life like someone else you hide your true colors and the beauty of who you really are and what you represent. The material things will never bring you happiness, after all when you die you take nothing with you so why not live life for what you truly are?

Do things for you, be grateful for your health and the people that are still by your side. Live life for its true beauty and be glad for the chance of making it through another day in this planet. Do not forget where you come from and remember no matter how much money you have or what you can and cannot afford, always ask yourself “Is this a want for me or for everyone else?”

Thank you for reading;

Kbeautifulmind