Tag: hurt

She made a promise

She made a promise to herself, not because she wanted to shut and lock all the doors to love.

She made this promise because the pain from the games were still too raw.

She knew her worth, exactly what she wanted, and what she very well deserved.

So she laid her offer on the table and walked out that door with all the hurt.

As she shut the door, she felt the fear drifting and a proud feeling in her chest.

She knew that if she kept her promise, it would all be worth it in the end, for the one who got to taste her body again would be the one to never hurt her or let it end.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

image

A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

The sacrifice

I wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loved.
She took on a responsibility she never desired, as a matter of fact she was so careful in her own personal decisions just to never be in her shoes.
The struggles of her hero were the birth control she used in order to never fall in the same hole.
I wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loved.
She took on the responsibility that no one else wanted, if they only knew how many people told her no.
She had no choice but to leave them to her, she had no choice but to put her kids in her hands.
They both knew this would be hard, they both knew she’d lose and be the one to come in last.
But she asked her…
And she accepted.
She made a promise and as hard as it may get, she won’t break it.
I just wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loves.

-Kbeautifulmind

I thought I was a victim

I thought I was a victim, am I not good enough I’d ask myself?
What do I have to do, to grab his full attention?
What can I do to change him, to have him see that I am what he needs?
He says I’m the one and tells the same story to all of our loved ones, but at night he rushes to his contact list to see who he can get attention from.
I thought I was a victim, so I’d despise him everytime; kicking myself thinking “maybe you are not good enough.”
You need to be smarter, learn how to drive better, don’t speak to much, don’t over think, don’t share your feelings, don’t bother him to the extremes.
I thought I was a victim because he made me feel that way, then I realized I played apart in my own unhappiness by deciding to stay.
-Kbeautifulmind

Why must I hide

Why must I hide what I have been through, just to protect your image for those who care about you.
Why can’t I share with the world what I’m feeling inside, without a care in the world of what you’ll look like.
Why are they offended by what I have said, if I speak the truth of what has happened.
When did I become the bad guy after all of this?
Can’t they see how much I loved you and how deep is my agony?
Why can’t they understand me as humans?
Can’t they see how broken I am and what you’ve done is unfair?
You do this with out feeling any guilt, make them fall madly in love, using them for your needs till you get bored and move on.
Tell them the truth, since you claim to be such a good man, tell them all the hurt you caused me before the very end.
Tell them how I covered it and was force to put on a smile like there was no pain.
Tell them what I wrote was what you deserved and no less.
Why must I hide to protect your image?
Why can’t you tell them exactly what happened.

-kbeautifulmind

Pain…

It’s Friday night and well most of my friend’s are in some kind of relationship, so if they are with their significant others I pretty much have nothing to do… lol.

There for I’m sitting on my little red couch, watching “The Fault in our Stars” knowing I’m going to cry but eeeehhh what the hell right?

image

As I sit here and watch this movie with that sappy feeling in my body because of such cute romance between these two young kids who through cancer have learned to live and enjoy every minute of life even if they are not always happy or even if it is not always easy.
I began to think about the first time I fell in love, and the second time I fell in love and all the beautiful moments and promises made and I can’t help but smile at the memories.

I think about love and I can’t help but wonder…

“If love works the way they say it does and we all get a soul mate and our other half’s are out there somewhere, then it actually must be worth it in the end, right?”

What exactly?

Well the pain, if pain is meant to be felt then it has to be worth something right?
Pain, according to the dictionary…
pain
pān/Submit
noun
1.
physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
“she’s in great pain”
synonyms: suffering, agony, torture, torment, discomfort More
ache, aching, soreness, throb, throbbing, sting, stinging, twinge, shooting pain, stab, pang, cramps;
discomfort, irritation, tenderness
mental suffering or distress.
“the pain of loss”
synonyms: sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, unhappiness, distress, desolation, misery, wretchedness, despair; More
informal
an annoying or tedious person or thing.
noun: pain in the neck; plural noun: pains in the neck
“she’s a pain”
2.
careful effort; great care or trouble.
“she took pains to see that everyone ate well”
synonyms: care, effort, bother, trouble
“he took great pains to hide his feelings”
verb
verb: pain; 3rd person present: pains; past tense: pained; past participle: pained; gerund or present participle: paining
1.
cause mental or physical pain to.
“it pains me to say this”
synonyms: hurt, cause pain, be painful, be sore, be tender, ache, throb, sting, twinge, cause discomfort; More

So that is pain, it’s something that just hurts weather it’s physical, emotional, or just plain makes no sense and you don’t know where it’s coming from it’s just something that hurts but we all have to try and learn to live with it.

So let me ask you again…
If pain is meant to be felt with the chance that something beautiful will come out of it in the end or at the chance you took to experience something beautiful that brought you pain later then it just HAS to be worth it, right?

Well of course it is…
I say it is!

I mean I’m just a twenty-four year old gal who sits at home on her red couch on a Friday night watching sappy movies that she knows are going to make her cry a waterfall…

But I am also a gal that has been through alot and as a personal victim of a cancer scare myself and someone who lived a hard childhood with bull shit after bull shit and then lost her Best Friend to Cancer it’s self…

I say the pain is totally worth it!
I say that who cares if your heart gets broken again and again and again, and yes death might take some people before you and make you experience the worst pain of them all, and yes other life situations might even add more to the pain but it’s totally worth it.

It’s worth the memories, it’s worth the laughs, it’s worth the meaningful hugs, the long lasting kisses, it’s worth the moments that feel like the whole world has stopped in that moment of happiness, its worth the beautiful pictures we take of all these moments and it’s definitely worth that moment when love takes over your body and soul and gives you those butterflies that make the pain of life go away, even if it’s not forever.

Pain is meant to be felt, and you sadly don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world but in the end it’s truly worth it.
It’s painful but worthy because it was the end of something that was once so beautiful and meaningful to YOU.

Okay?
-Kbeautifulmind

The healer

She was brought to their world to heal, to care for all their needs, to fix what was broken and bring out their beauty from underneath.
None of them appreciated that, or noticed her hard work, it’s almost like they expected her to be there through every turn.
They used her as the healer, they used her body to erase their sins, assuming that the woman in her would be able fix everything.
They all desired love and care and knew that’s what she’d give, but didn’t reach out to love her back for they weren’t worried about her needs.
Unfortunately that’s all that she desired to be loved like she loved them, to find someone to heal her and fix the damage as they got rid of all the pain.
That person never came because she continued to hunt for pray as her eyes looked for the broken one’s even though she knew her heart is what she’d agitate.
She continued and went on healing and fixing all the one’s that came her way knowing that eventually she’d be broken in the end.

-Kbeautifulmind