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Hello Dear WordPress Followers,

I’d to take this moment to thank you all for reading my work, for being fans of what I write and believe in since I created my blog.

I’d also like to address that I’m working on writing more this year, expanding my words to touch more lives, and to share that I have some new and fun exciting project ideas on the way!

I’ve decided to create a “Professional Instagram” page, were I’d like to expose my poetry, quotes, short stories, advise through my knowledge, and display my soon to come videos or audio recordings!

I hope you all will follow and join me in this exciting journey!

Instagram: Kbeautifulmind__ (those are two _ _ )

Thanks y’all! I’m excited!

XO,

Kbeautifulmind

Favorite Garden

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Today I took a walk in our favorite garden.
First time we discovered this place was as a family.
Second time I came here you asked me to bring you.
We grabbed lunch and spent the evening here just talking, and I almost chocked on my food.
You said, “Dios mio, you can’t die, then I die, then the kids would really be screwed!”
I laughed so hard my rice came out my nose.
I came here today because you been on my mind a lot, I miss you.
Everything is way harder than I thought, and I don’t even know if I’m doing it right?
I have accepted that you’re gone but sometimes I just want to feel you, to know you’re there, one more talk?
and nothing….
It gets very frustrating…
I wish you’d knock something over in the room, or make the lights flicker, something…?
I know wearing your ashes around my neck gives me a piece of mind, but sometimes I just want to feel you, and when I get nothing I begin to feel hopeless as I see no reassurance that you are there.
As I walked today, remembering you laugh, your funny jokes, and how annoyed you’d get when I kiss or hugged you “too much,” I ran into this heart, not sure who took their time to make it, but I think this was the sign I needed.
Glad to know you are still here♡
-Kbeautifulmind

Day two of our Goodbye

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On a sad cloudy morning like today, a year ago is when I realized I had to accept it, and let her go. Yet the pain only felt deeper than when I got the news the night before.
I had dozed off on the bed next to her, when I woke up to her moan, it was a moan that said “I am in serious pain.”
I remember seeing my aunt helping the nurse move her a bit and my reaction came with some anger, “What are you guys doing to her!?” I yelled.
The nurse responded, “Honey, we have to clean her up and change her.”
My mom did not want to be moved or touched at all, she continued to moan with frustration and I could see the tears in my aunts eyes as she also suffered to see her in this pain.
I rememeber thinking…
“This is sssooo not what she wanted!”

My mother was what we would call a “Independent Warrior”:
She fought for what she believed in, even if she stood alone.
She’d do anything for those she loved, even if it meant starving herself to feed them.
She made it clear she needed no one or their approval to get what she wanted.

She was a single mom for most of her life, except when she was married to my step dad but even then she never depended on him or anyone to get things done.
She never got government help to raise us, she never told family to pick us up when we were down (even though they constantly offered) and some how she always found the resources, time and energy to get us through EVERYTHING and still help others.
On those last three days, our little place was filled with so many people.
Some I didn’t even know but they knew of me, and every single one of them started their stories with:

“Your mom HELPED me…”

The day of her viewing we had only ordered 250 memorial cards and we ran out.
The days were such a blur for me, but what I did know for sure is that there was over 250 people who attended.

I rememeber a lady crying as she looked at my mom and said, “No god, why these beautiful hands? Why this beautiful lady that always gave me a helping hand.”

So as I watched her moan, I knew she was upset.
I knew she was not happy to be leaving this earth not being able to do anything for herself.
Then the nurse said,
“Is her mom (my grandma) on her way? I don’t think she’ll make it through the night, she is no longer releasing body waist.”
The tears came running down as I held her hand, I had finally accepted it, but I still couldn’t understand why God was taking the most important person in my life from me.
A couple minutes later my little brother Kevin came walking in the room.
I could see the confusion and the pain in that 11 year olds face as he tried to hide it and be “strong”
He said “Why was mommy making that noise, is she okay? and Why are you crying agggaaiiinnnn…”
I didn’t need to answer, as Kevin got close to her and held her hand a tear started running down her face.
She was in pain,
And maybe not just in pain from the Cancer, she was in pain because she also knew it would soon be time for her to go and it was killing her to be leaving her children all alone.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

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A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

To think I was tired…

Exactly a year ago this picture was taken.

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To think I was tired.
Tired of sleeping in cold hospital chairs.
Tired of sleeping with fear as I constantly woke up to look next to me in bed and make sure you were still breathing.
Tired of watching you moan with pain and sob with fear.
Tired of watching the woman I’ve always seen struggle for her kids, now struggle as she fought for her life.
Tired of seeing the strongest woman I ever knew get deteriorated by and ugly disease that made her weak.
Tired, I was tired of watching you slowly wash away in front of me, knowing there was nothing I could do.
I was tired, but as hard as time was then, I’d go back in the blink of an eye.
Because even though It has gotten easier….
Today Im tired, tired of missing you and waking up to a stoned box that is very beautiful but can’t hug back.
Tired of waking up to silence because it doesn’t tell me “Buenos dias huevona”
Tired of crying to it knowing it can’t talk back when I need you.
Today marks 10 months since you been gone and I know its selfish and you are in a better place but Im tired of missing you and I wish you were here, even if we were still fighting this battle.
I hope the angels know what they have momma, because I really miss you.

Kbeautifulmind

Constipated

My mom said something to me one night as we sat in the bathroom because the medication wasn’t letting her go. Constipated and tired she was as I sat in the tub reading my book to try and stay awake myself…
She said to me…
“You know it’s kind of cool?”
“That you can’t poop?”
“NO!” (laugh)
I couldn’t help but laugh with her….
Then she got serious…
“It’s kind of cool that God has allowed me the opportunity to know when I’m dying…”
This was only 3 weeks before she died and a week after we had been told that the cancer was now slowly taking over her brain and would someday just shut her down as she died slowly…
Her doctor predicted 3-6 months…
I rolled my eyes and told her “I guess mom, let’s just focus on pooping”
She laughed and said…
“No really!? Think about it? Car accidents, drowning, being murdered, burning or anything that is not any sevier disease just takes you while you had hope that you’d see those you love in a couple of hours or days…. that’s sad death just slaps you in the face!
At least when you know you live everyday like it’s your last, you tell them you love them, and you have no hopes of waking up the next day but you fall asleep with peace in your heart knowing that everyday you did all you had to do to be okay with what is happening…”
“I’m telling you Kelsey, it’s kind of cool”

http://www.refinery29.com/2014/10/75714/brittany-maynard-dignity-death

This video reminded me of my momma. I guess when you get the chance to live like you are dying you understand the value of life and the opportunity to have those you love around you.
I sure as hell know it has changed my whole view on life and as I keep living, I keep learning. I finally see what my mom meant after watching this.
Live life guys and appreciated it, we are really just passing by.

Kbeautifulmind

May you be resting in peace momma♡
I love you and miss you so so much!

What will you do?

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Today is my last day of summer vacation. I guess you can say it’s not exactly the summer vacation my little brothers get or the kind I use to get back when I was in grade school. The cat naps, waking up when you wanted, going to bed as late as you wanted (I can’t even count how many all nighters my little brother Kevin pulled playing video games) eating what you wanted and doing what you wanted for about 2-3 months. I’ve been working since high school and I’ve juggled two jobs now since 2008. Time just flies by way to fast sometimes. Without even realizing it minutes, hours, and days are just passing. When you’re so caught up on your career and your future, things just keep moving on.
We’ve been fortunate enough to keep ourselves busy- I say fortunate because we’re trying our best to block out and not paying attention to the tough times we are currently living. It’s now been four months since my momma left this life. Being busy makes the toughest times seem not so bad. This summer I can honestly say I did alot; 4 concerts one more to come, 6 Dodger games, a couple visits to Six Flags (I am a pass holder), at least 6 nights out dancing, out door movie nights, small gatherings,  dinner dates, game nights, 1 dinner party/kick back hosted by me, a trip to Texas and a couple other outings including my birthday celebrations! But some how I always manage to go back to that day she left us and it breaks my heart everytime.
They say time heels all, and it’s only been four months but I don’t think anything will ever feel the same again.
Because everything reminds me of her and this emptiness I feel could never be filled.
However I was thinking to myself the other night as I laid in bed (missing her of course since we spend the last 2 years sleeping together because I was afraid she would choke) and I thought to myself how can I move forward?
I thought of the fact that my brothers have been so disrespectful the whole “You are not our mom” phase has kicked in and I am so stressed out at times. I thought about how in only a couple of days (starting tomorrow) I’ll be juggling school, 2 jobs and 2 teenagers…. and I wanted to run away in that moment! Then the thinking happened and I started to tell myself…
“Be positive!”
“Breath!”
“Her death can’t make you give up! How will you represent her? Honor her? Make her proud?”
Although alot of people have told me I am doing a good job already, in that moment I decided I need to do more, I need to try and be positive and I need to raise her children right….
I need to be the Super Women she was.
So with that in mind I know that as of today there is 230 days left to this year. I’m going to try and be positive everyday, live life, find peace and represent my mother as the fighter and Super Women she ro modeld for 46 years. I’m going to focus on making myself be happy again, be healthier, and feel over all better because I know that’s what she would want! (Because she told me this in a letter)

So what are you going to do?
We are all living different life circumstances but I want to advise you all to make the 230 days count! Keep pushing yourself, keep yourself busy, and keep your head high as you welcome positivity in to your life. Good things will come out of it all, guaranteed.

Remembering that no storm is forever;
Kbeautifulmind

F-a-t-h-e-r

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Last night…

I had the most interesting dream.

In it, I was six years old…

in a national spelling bee.

Feeling like a genius as I spelled complex words….

duodenum….

serendipity…..

floccinaucinihilipilification….

up until the final round

one word between me and victory

the spell master clears his throat

young lady your word is father

the crowd began to chatter amongst themselves

seemingly displeased

at the simplicity of this final word

I searched for those eyes

those eyes that say

“every things going to be ok, just do it”

And there she was, as beautiful as always…

I dazed off

young lady!

your word is father

I stood up straight, looked at her and began

father, m-o-t-h-e-r, father…

the spell master looks at me,

down at his flash card,

back up at me,

“sorry but you are incorrect”

I don’t understand…

My father is sitting right in the audience

“excuse me?”

“I am sorry young lady but you are incorrect”

well then,

you can save your sorry apologies

because you must mean “in-correct”

as in within the parameters of being right.

let me explain something to you

cuz obviously you did not grow up

where “father’s” are donors

just a human being who donates the soil to make the seed grow

and when he’s gone

all he’s left us

was alone

where minstrel men stroll around off sight

while fathers balanced their menstrual,

3 jobs,

4 kids

and a life

on a unicycle

and it looks something like this:

breastfeeding on one arm

phone on the shoulder

cooking with the other arm

cleaning with one leg

tying sneakers with their teeth

young fathers

who make mistakes to think that love lived in their place, before he left

But we are not all perfect and they learned to live

And the one mistake they never make

is abandoning their seeds

you see fathers

are master gardeners

they tend to every leaf

removing the weeds

placing us in the windows of opportunity

so that we can lean towards the sun

and never forget that the sky is the limit

planting kisses on our cheeks

hugs on our backs

growing their love on us

the best way they know how

like my father

my father, sacrificed owning nothing,

so that I may have everything

my father, walked a daily nightmare

so that I may live out my dreams

my father watered me

with blood sweat and tears

so that I may be ripe

for the harvest

and I hope that one day

I can grow up to be as great a father

as she was for me

you did not ask me to spell deadbeat sir…

but if you want dead beat here it is:

f-a-t-h-e-r,
d-a-d,
d-a-d-d-y,
p-o-p,
p-o-p-s,
if you want the slang

And if you want an actual name…

F-r-a-n-k

you asked me to spell father

and father is, and always has been,

and always will be spelled…

m-o-t-h-e-r

so get your encyclopedias,

show me your flash cards

open your dictionary

cuz what webster says

means nothing around here

around here,

my father is sitting right there…

and I love her.

Because with out my father, with out her, I wouldn’t be standing here in front of you today.

Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful, wonder woman who is now in Heaven watching over me♡

I love you momma 🙂

Kbeautifulmind

-This entire poem did not originate with me, it is a remake of a poem I once heard.
Thank you for reading…