Constipated

My mom said something to me one night as we sat in the bathroom because the medication wasn’t letting her go. Constipated and tired she was as I sat in the tub reading my book to try and stay awake myself…
She said to me…
“You know it’s kind of cool?”
“That you can’t poop?”
“NO!” (laugh)
I couldn’t help but laugh with her….
Then she got serious…
“It’s kind of cool that God has allowed me the opportunity to know when I’m dying…”
This was only 3 weeks before she died and a week after we had been told that the cancer was now slowly taking over her brain and would someday just shut her down as she died slowly…
Her doctor predicted 3-6 months…
I rolled my eyes and told her “I guess mom, let’s just focus on pooping”
She laughed and said…
“No really!? Think about it? Car accidents, drowning, being murdered, burning or anything that is not any sevier disease just takes you while you had hope that you’d see those you love in a couple of hours or days…. that’s sad death just slaps you in the face!
At least when you know you live everyday like it’s your last, you tell them you love them, and you have no hopes of waking up the next day but you fall asleep with peace in your heart knowing that everyday you did all you had to do to be okay with what is happening…”
“I’m telling you Kelsey, it’s kind of cool”

http://www.refinery29.com/2014/10/75714/brittany-maynard-dignity-death

This video reminded me of my momma. I guess when you get the chance to live like you are dying you understand the value of life and the opportunity to have those you love around you.
I sure as hell know it has changed my whole view on life and as I keep living, I keep learning. I finally see what my mom meant after watching this.
Live life guys and appreciated it, we are really just passing by.

Kbeautifulmind

May you be resting in peace momma♡
I love you and miss you so so much!

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What will you do?

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Today is my last day of summer vacation. I guess you can say it’s not exactly the summer vacation my little brothers get or the kind I use to get back when I was in grade school. The cat naps, waking up when you wanted, going to bed as late as you wanted (I can’t even count how many all nighters my little brother Kevin pulled playing video games) eating what you wanted and doing what you wanted for about 2-3 months. I’ve been working since high school and I’ve juggled two jobs now since 2008. Time just flies by way to fast sometimes. Without even realizing it minutes, hours, and days are just passing. When you’re so caught up on your career and your future, things just keep moving on.
We’ve been fortunate enough to keep ourselves busy- I say fortunate because we’re trying our best to block out and not paying attention to the tough times we are currently living. It’s now been four months since my momma left this life. Being busy makes the toughest times seem not so bad. This summer I can honestly say I did alot; 4 concerts one more to come, 6 Dodger games, a couple visits to Six Flags (I am a pass holder), at least 6 nights out dancing, out door movie nights, small gatherings,  dinner dates, game nights, 1 dinner party/kick back hosted by me, a trip to Texas and a couple other outings including my birthday celebrations! But some how I always manage to go back to that day she left us and it breaks my heart everytime.
They say time heels all, and it’s only been four months but I don’t think anything will ever feel the same again.
Because everything reminds me of her and this emptiness I feel could never be filled.
However I was thinking to myself the other night as I laid in bed (missing her of course since we spend the last 2 years sleeping together because I was afraid she would choke) and I thought to myself how can I move forward?
I thought of the fact that my brothers have been so disrespectful the whole “You are not our mom” phase has kicked in and I am so stressed out at times. I thought about how in only a couple of days (starting tomorrow) I’ll be juggling school, 2 jobs and 2 teenagers…. and I wanted to run away in that moment! Then the thinking happened and I started to tell myself…
“Be positive!”
“Breath!”
“Her death can’t make you give up! How will you represent her? Honor her? Make her proud?”
Although alot of people have told me I am doing a good job already, in that moment I decided I need to do more, I need to try and be positive and I need to raise her children right….
I need to be the Super Women she was.
So with that in mind I know that as of today there is 230 days left to this year. I’m going to try and be positive everyday, live life, find peace and represent my mother as the fighter and Super Women she ro modeld for 46 years. I’m going to focus on making myself be happy again, be healthier, and feel over all better because I know that’s what she would want! (Because she told me this in a letter)

So what are you going to do?
We are all living different life circumstances but I want to advise you all to make the 230 days count! Keep pushing yourself, keep yourself busy, and keep your head high as you welcome positivity in to your life. Good things will come out of it all, guaranteed.

Remembering that no storm is forever;
Kbeautifulmind

F-a-t-h-e-r

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Last night…

I had the most interesting dream.

In it, I was six years old…

in a national spelling bee.

Feeling like a genius as I spelled complex words….

duodenum….

serendipity…..

floccinaucinihilipilification….

up until the final round

one word between me and victory

the spell master clears his throat

young lady your word is father

the crowd began to chatter amongst themselves

seemingly displeased

at the simplicity of this final word

I searched for those eyes

those eyes that say

“every things going to be ok, just do it”

And there she was, as beautiful as always…

I dazed off

young lady!

your word is father

I stood up straight, looked at her and began

father, m-o-t-h-e-r, father…

the spell master looks at me,

down at his flash card,

back up at me,

“sorry but you are incorrect”

I don’t understand…

My father is sitting right in the audience

“excuse me?”

“I am sorry young lady but you are incorrect”

well then,

you can save your sorry apologies

because you must mean “in-correct”

as in within the parameters of being right.

let me explain something to you

cuz obviously you did not grow up

where “father’s” are donors

just a human being who donates the soil to make the seed grow

and when he’s gone

all he’s left us

was alone

where minstrel men stroll around off sight

while fathers balanced their menstrual,

3 jobs,

4 kids

and a life

on a unicycle

and it looks something like this:

breastfeeding on one arm

phone on the shoulder

cooking with the other arm

cleaning with one leg

tying sneakers with their teeth

young fathers

who make mistakes to think that love lived in their place, before he left

But we are not all perfect and they learned to live

And the one mistake they never make

is abandoning their seeds

you see fathers

are master gardeners

they tend to every leaf

removing the weeds

placing us in the windows of opportunity

so that we can lean towards the sun

and never forget that the sky is the limit

planting kisses on our cheeks

hugs on our backs

growing their love on us

the best way they know how

like my father

my father, sacrificed owning nothing,

so that I may have everything

my father, walked a daily nightmare

so that I may live out my dreams

my father watered me

with blood sweat and tears

so that I may be ripe

for the harvest

and I hope that one day

I can grow up to be as great a father

as she was for me

you did not ask me to spell deadbeat sir…

but if you want dead beat here it is:

f-a-t-h-e-r,
d-a-d,
d-a-d-d-y,
p-o-p,
p-o-p-s,
if you want the slang

And if you want an actual name…

F-r-a-n-k

you asked me to spell father

and father is, and always has been,

and always will be spelled…

m-o-t-h-e-r

so get your encyclopedias,

show me your flash cards

open your dictionary

cuz what webster says

means nothing around here

around here,

my father is sitting right there…

and I love her.

Because with out my father, with out her, I wouldn’t be standing here in front of you today.

Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful, wonder woman who is now in Heaven watching over me♡

I love you momma 🙂

Kbeautifulmind

-This entire poem did not originate with me, it is a remake of a poem I once heard.
Thank you for reading…

What’s with the miggit?

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There is only a couple of people I’ve ever known in my life that like me actually believe that the dreams we have mean something, or are trying to tell us something.
Those people are my friend Dawnn, my uncle Luis and my mom. My mom believed it almost religiously and she was so good at telling you exactly what your dream ment and what you were suppose to get out of it. My uncle and mom had that same gift, I call it a gift because some of the stuff my mom would dream were really clear warnings of something in the future. I swear god put her in this world as a messenger and an angel here to help others. Everyone of her friends including my friend Dawnn would go to her to ask about their dreams. And she was always right.
I got in a big accident back in 2009 and she knew about it like a week before, she didn’t know it be that bad but she kept dreaming stuff that pretty much told her I would be in an accident… weird right?

Since my mom has passed I been really jealous of all other people who have gotten the chance to dream, see and even feel her. I haven’t been as lucky like all of her close friends and my siblings. I have no idea why? My friend told me “Maybe she doesn’t think you are ready yet” and maybe she is right, but I still was jealous of everyone else.

Then the other night I finally felt her in my dream, but unfortunately I didn’t get to see her.

Instead it was a dream I probably would have been very scared of, except that I actually felt her which made it not so scary. It was the weirdest dream ever!

It was a few days before my boyfriend graduated from school, I dreamed that he was telling me that he was not going to graduate because of his hair style, the school was just not allowing it.

So I left the room which was apparently “our” room and I went to go ask someone that was in the room next door “Why can’t he graduate wit his hair style?”

Anyway long story short when I left that room I was walking into my living room to make sure the doors were locked and a miggit popped out of the corner by the door to hug me! Yes you read right a miggit! A little tini person!

If you know me well you know I am scared of little people. No I don’t act rude or scream like a nut job when I see one but I do begin to feel like I am hyperventilating when I am close to one and I have to tell myself to relax.
Why you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA!
Yes, I know they are human too and that there is no reason to be afraid of them but I am terrified! And I am so sorry for that if you are smaller then 4 feet and are thinking “RUDE” I promise I don’t mean no harm, I just get nervous and scared when I see a super small human being.

Anyway back to my dream…

So the miggit popped out of the corner and hugged my legs very very tight, then dropped me to the grown still holding me and that’s when I saw my little brothers face with a little bit of my mom’s face and I asked it…

“Mom is that you?”

And it nodded “Yes!”
My blood pressure began to rise as I wanted to freak out but was also very excited! I grabbed it’s face and mouth and kept saying “Mom is that really you? Say something to me! Talk to me!”

It just stared at me with its mouth wide open, just like my mom looked when she was on her last 3 days as she was gasping for air…

I began to get scared because “it” wouldn’t talk and I said…
“Mom! I’m so sorry! Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Am I making you proud?”

And after every question “it” looked at me with confusion, still hugging me tight nodding it’s head… No…yes… and a faster yes to the last question.

Then I heard my boyfriend’s voice…
“Girlfriend are you okay?”

And the little person, or little Kevin/Mom looked at me with a fear in it’s face like we were going to get caught and said…

“I’m sorry, I need to go… I love you.”

and It was MY mom’s voice! It was her! And “it” disappeared as it left me laying there curled up in a ball hugging myself.

The dream ended with me telling my boyfriend “She was here, why did you come out? Why? Why?” As I cried and cried.

What made it more real was that I woke up at almost 4am and I couldn’t move. I was crying a waterfall of tears and my body was tight and I was still hugging myself and I could still feel the super tight hug that the little person gave me. I cried and I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid because the dream was so weird or happy because I finally felt/heard her. All I knew is that I could not move and I needed to call my boyfriend to tell him but it took me about 10 minutes before I could move.

After I called and woke him, talked and was able to relax I kept thinking “What’s with the miggit mom? What the hell does that mean?” I couldn’t understand why she/god or the dream angel would have me feel/hear her through the body of a little person knowing how afraid I am of them?

And it still doesn’t make sense, except for the idea that maybe she was trying to tell me to “not be afraid of what’s coming”

All I know is that it was weird, yet nice to finally feel her and that I really wished I could run to her room and ask her what the dream ment… But I couldn’t.

Hoping to dream her again soon;
Kbeautifulmind

The story of Ali Black…

I while back ago I found interest in learning about the stories of other’s and how Cancer has taken a tole in their lives.
From what I was experiencing I came up with this idea one late night as I laid my head to rest next to my mom who was in so much pain thinking to my self how exhausting this whole cancer thing is! I began to wonder how others delt with it and if they experience around the same anxiety and freak out moments as we did?
So I took my idea and decided to try and find out what people felt and how this took a twist in their lives.
My mom passed away about a month and a half ago and the truth Cancer has been the one word I do not want to hear. However I did ask for stories as I tried to learn about the experience of others and the chance to share the stories of those that cared to share them with me.
As poisonous as Social Media can be and all technology as it is, it can also be very helpful to have for the use of spreading word and networking.
If it was not for Instagram I wouldn’t be able to share this post and story with you guys, and as much as we ALL hate cancer and what harm it has done in some of our lives, it is also a diseased that has change the lives of many making them appreciate life more as well as making it an interesting learned experience.
And if they are lucky enough to defeat it… it makes it all a very powerful accomplishment.
So here is the story of Ali Black and how Cancer came knocking on her door…
Enjoy!

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Patient: Black, Ali
Female, 31; no kids; not married
Diagnosed with a rare acute Leukemia (Blastic Plasmacytoid Dendritic Cell Neoplasm (BPDCN))

“I was first diagnosed on Sept 13, 2013 with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, just 15 days before my 31st birthday.  The problem was that the pathology reports read inclusive with words like probable and suggestive that the oncologist who saw the reports referred me to a Lymphoma specialist.  Let me begin by saying that I never suspected ME of having cancer.  In fact, I believed that I was having some type of health-skin issues that were related to an allergic reaction.  After all, I ran 20 miles a week, I juiced three times a day filling 20-32oz jugs, alkaline water, and drank herbal teas.  This all had to be a skin disorder, I believed.  I initially went to my family doctor who referred me to a dermatologist.  I slowly began to develop other symptoms that I thought were unrelated until I spoke to my family physician, who suspected that my symptoms were related to an autoimmune disease, probably Sarcoidosis.  However, she asked me to get a skin biopsy to be sure. After all, my initial symptoms presented itself on the skin.  It resembled a hive rash.  I was treated with prednisone until I had the dermatological biopsy.

When I eventually saw the dermatologist and told her my symptoms, which by that time had grown progressively worse as the skin lesions subsided, all but one on my elbow, she too suspected that I presented symptoms of Sarcoidosis. However, in order to be sure, once again, she performed the biopsy and asked us to await the results, which would take at least 10 days.  Mind you, some of the symptoms that were occurring for both physicians to assume that this was evidence of an autoimmune disease was my difficulty breathing after running/walking, abdominal pain, severe joint pain, and the inevitable skin rash. Eventually, when the pathology reports returned on September 13, 2013, it read that it was malignant cancerous tissue of B-Cells, Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

I remember that morning, prior riding to the dermatologist office, feeling incredibly weird, like my life would change through these results.  Although at this time, I was convinced that what I was experiencing was an autoimmune disease and nothing more, I began thinking about my future. I was a graduate student without any kids and not married. What would this mean about my living arrangements, even reproducing children? Could I have a child/ren living on prednisone (steriods) for the rest of my life? Mood swings were a detrimental side effect of this drug and hypertension was inevitable, along with weight gain, fatigue, the onset of occasional joint pains without warning.  I just kept thinking that the pathology reports would read this expecting me to know what to do for the rest of my life.  Tears overwhelmed my face in the waiting room, not knowing that there could be anything worst than what I was about to hear. I wondered in that moment if I could make it through this? Would kind of future would I have living with something that was as unpredictable as this disease? My old trusty handy iPhone could surely answer this question by seeing if anyone in the past ten years has died from this disease. As I read on, I came to learn that morning that Bernie Mack suffered from Sarc and met his untimely death with complications of pneumonia because of this autoimmune disease.  I began whimpering tears on my mother’s shoulder, who had been there for every appointment since I got sick.  I was surely expected to hear detrimental news.

“Ms. Black?” The nurse practioner called me back into the exam room.  She asked, “Are you ok?” after handing me a tissue.  I said, ”yep, just waiting to hear these results.” She patted me on the shoulder and said, “it will ok. The doctor will see you in a bit and she will talk to you about it.”  After ten minutes, in walks the dermatologist with only the most pleasant smile. She tapped me on my knee and touched my mother on her shoulder, and asked, “how are you ladies doing this morning? I hope that your wait wasn’t long?”  I answered, “no, just anxious about these results, which I already know that it is Sarc.” She said, “well, I was going to call you last night about that as soon I got them.” Instantly, my eyes met my mother’s wondering, “why would she need to call us?” “The results,” she said, “as I said came in last night and I wanted to tell you right away, but decided to wait until I saw you today.”  “ummmmm ok!” I thought.  I continued thinking, “isn’t it just Sarc?” now undermining my thoughts from the past few weeks.  “Of course, I would have to eat differently and live differently, but it is just Sarc. I braced myself for this news all week. Didn’t I?” my thoughts began flooding.

My dermatologist asked if she could begin reading the results, and as anxious as I was, I said, “please!” “Well,” she said, “the results read that the tissue sample that was biopsy ruled out Sarcoidosis, but that the tissue showed malignant aggressive B-Cells suggestive of Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”  She looked up after reading the pathology report, and looked at me, and asked, “Do you know what malignant means?” With a blank stare towards the paper, rereading the report for myself, I said, “yea.” She said, “good, ok.” She turned to face my mom and asked her the same thing.  My mom asked, “is that like cancer, but not the bad kind, right? Right?!” My mom rushed the doctor for answer, hoping that malignant wasn’t what she thought it could mean. The doctor said, “well malignant, isn’t the good kind of cancer. It is lymphoma.” “Could your results be wrong?” My mother asked. “Well no, this is a DNA of a tissue sample. This is 98% accurate,” said the dermatologist. “Sooooo, what do we do now?” My mother asked. “Well, now she has to be seen by an oncologist and hematologist. But the good news is that this is treatable, in fact, curable,” said my dermatologist. I remember clasping my hands, taking in a deep sigh, as the tears began to fall like the rain shower before the storm. The wail I released sent shock waves through the hall as the nurses stood by the door to poke their heads in to see if there was anything they could do. My doctor immediately stood up and embraced me. She said, “it’s curable.” And I replied, “but what does that mean about having children.” Never looking up at her, I felt a tear release from her cheek onto my forehead, and at that moment, she rushed out of the room. I assumed not knowing how to answer my question. My mother, at that time, called my siblings while forcing herself to hide her tears behind the other side of the door. As my doctor exited and never returned, the nurses entered the exam room, embracing me and crying with me. My mother returned with the reddest of eyes and gently said, “come on, hun. We got to find an oncologist.”

All that ran through my mind at that time was that this was not the results I prepared myself for. What did she mean this was curable? I saw my dad die from cancer when I was seven years old, and it was not curable for him. He was sick, very sick. What did that mean for treatment? I did not have an employee insurance. I was a full time graduate student. Who would insure me now? Plus, I purposefully waited ten plus years to have kids until I was financially ready, and now this would never give me that opportunity, even if I was financially ready. Chemo would rid every chance of that. It would kill me from the inside? I am in a committed relationship, we have no future without kids…I couldn’t ask him to stay knowing that I couldn’t give us kids, which is an extension of a future together. Will I lose my locs? I will lose my locs! Who will I look like? Why cancer? Why me?! I eat well, exercise, and believe in the power of spirit. Did I inherit this from my dad? Was it genetic? Do I have to fight? If I don’t fight, is this my fate? What does fighting mean? These thoughts rushed my mind almost instantly, at the exact same moment my mother stroked my cheek as she drove to my primary physician’s office, and said, “don’t you can’t give up on me!” The tears kept strolling down my cheek wondering how does one not give up? What did that mean? How could my body betray me?

All I could do was cry.  I must’ve cried the entire day. And in the moments of silence, I refused to think. I just sat.  By the end of the day, I laid still with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling with no original thought swimming through my mind, but the memory of my father. Would his fate be mine? The days that followed flew by like a rapid windstorm in the winter: icy, cold, and dreary. I fell sicker and listless, until I was finally admitted to the hospital on October 7, 2013. The following days were filled with ongoing tests. On October 11, 2013, I was officially diagnosed with one of the rarest diseases that continues to be studied in U.S. medical sciences. It is so rare that less than 1% of the U.S. population are diagnosed with this disease. This disease is called Blastic Plasmacytoid Dendritic Cell Neoplasm, a rare acute Leukemia, in which I began the Hyper CVAD treatment immediately.  

I went into remission after my third treatment, and was officially cancer free January 2, 2014.  Luckily, I was half way through my treatment.  Typically, the Hyper CVAD consists 6-8 rounds of chemotherapy and one Lumbar puncture per treatment. Every twenty-one days, I was admitted for five days for treatment. The objective is to find a match stem cell donor while undergoing therapy.  For my disease, chemotherapy was necessary, but it was imperative to find a donor for a transplant. Without one, I was told that I would only have a year to live after completing chemo, even if my disease was in remission. I completed six rounds of the Hyper CVAD chemotherapy before receiving my transplant in February 2014.

Days leading up to the transplant, I had three days of additional chemotherapy and four days of radiation. I was completely exhausted, nauseous, and fatigued.  The day after my last radiation treatment was my transplant day, March 21, 2014.  I had no idea what to expect.  All I knew was that my sister was giving me life.  How do properly thank someone who does this unselfishly?  Now that I have had the transplant, I can say that the recovery is extremely different than recovering from chemo.  Although the procedure was successful and my counts recovered from the transplant, I am being monitored closely by my physician.  The time after transplant procedure is extremely critical.  And even though my procedure was successful, there are strict guidelines I must follow. For instance, if I am outside, I must wear a hat and coat, even if it is 95 degrees.  I now have a food list that dictates what I am able or unable to eat.  Imagine calling Starbucks just to ask if the cream cheese is pasteurized! This is all in the sake of healing.  As my body’s energy is in a state rebuilding with my sister’s cells, I have 180 days until I am able to go anywhere other than from home to the clinic.

I have accepted all of what I experienced as a transformation of my mind and body, a process of renewal for my faith, and a journey of enlightenment.  I have survived and have redefined what it means for me: surviving is fighting, healing, and living past my diagnosis.”

So in no better words if you are fighting cancer, or just flat out life…
Don’t give up, hang in there!
My mother lost her battle and wasn’t fortunate enough to win but she never gave up till her last breath she kept pushing, and that makes her just as much of a winner as anyone else.

Ali Black has taken this experience allowing it to help her keep pushing; It hasn’t defeated her and she refuses to allow it for she is also a fighter.

Grateful she shared;
Kbeautifulmind