Tag: family

“I’m so proud of you”

“Congratulations on all your great efforts and accomplishments… I’m so proud of you. I’ve always believed in you girls…”

“I am a changed man,” he said…
“I’d like to apologize for anything I might have said…
I’d like to apologize “if” at any time, I hurt you, girls…”

Oh shit, I am really reading this…
even after all these years you dare to say “If”?

“I am a changed man,” he said…

Oh, you changed? Is that suppose to mean something to me, is that what you’re saying?

Let me back track to my childhood for a bit…
Forget it, I’ve let that rest.

Let me back track to age fifteen… When I believed that “maybe” you deserved a chance…
Forget it, I’ve let that rest.

Let me back track to my freshmen year in college… “You’re dumb, you’ll never amount to anything… the day you die… I’m going to thank god for it.”
Forget it, I’ve forgiven you and also let that rest.

Let me back track to a couple years ago…

You said my mom deserved the sickness she was given, yet she was the one who raised us while she was living…
How does such a warrior deserve such sickness?
Even though I’ve accepted that was her journey, I still have moments when I can’t seem to understand or believe it.
Why is it that the one that did what was right, deserved to go, and the bastard that showed us nothing but hate and violence, deserved more?

And who made you the superior to speak such words?

With time I learned that your words were nothing but words, coming from an ill man who’s own childhood had brought him to this mindset of urge.
The urge to hurt those around him and destroy…
I feel sorry for you, I do. Yet, this is still not a good enough excuse.

So many times I wish you would have been there, and when I grew up I realize how blessed I was to not be so privileged.

Yet, here you are “proud and all” what an “honor”…
Do you really think somehow you deserve to be loved by your daughters?

Do you think you have the right to be proud of MY accomplishments?

“You guys are my only ones always forever?”

Only ones? 26 years later?

I think you must have forgotten, mom was the only one there, you were a no-show…
She worked to die, we never saw her…
But she had to be tough because you weren’t man enough.

Why don’t you do us both a favor and pretend we are dead too.

“I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, you guys will never be dead to me or will stop being my beautiful daughters. Because the day you two were born marks the day that you will forever be my daughters and I will wait forever with open arms…”

Ooohhh, now your arms are open?
I guess you didn’t know that your little girl would grow up to be so strong, so capable, so accomplished, or so admirable…

They say be careful with the things you say, because once you say them you can’t take them back.

Let me back track…
“You’re dumb, you’ll never amount to anything…”
Forget it, I’ve let it rest.

You say you’re proud?
Well, sit back, because I am just getting started.

-Kbeautifulmind

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“Cherish every moment and memory as if when night strikes that will be the end, because beautiful things never last. Not roses nor snow, not friendships nor love, and not fireworks either… 

But the best memories in life are those unforgettable moments.”

Kbeautifulmind💋

Soul group

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. You belong to each other, and you were meant to cross paths. As lovers, or as friends, or as something entirely different. Whatever it is, there is a purpose for the two of you meeting. You just work together, you understand one another, or there is a flow of chemistry that draws you in that links you to each other. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they just have a way of making you feel alive. You don’t know their purpose yet, it can be good or bad… 

and that’s what makes it scary. 

But you just can’t stay away. 

You fall in love with them, they become someone meaningful and special to you, and through them you learn. 

These people are apart of your soul group. They are put in your life to have an impact in it, sometimes it’s bad and sometimes it’s good. They are put in your life to benefit you in some way, or to imprint something meaningful in your life that changes you for the better and helps you grow. 

Everyone of these individuals have an impact in your life, because they have a natural connection to your soul. 

I don’t know if I’d call this coincidence, fate, or sheer blind luck, but I sure do know it means something. 

They mean something. Appreciate the moments with these people, take chances, cherish the memories and obstacles, take it all in and learn from it. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

Everything in this life takes sacrifice. 

The key to succeeding as an adult, is in what we give up. 

Sleep, friends, fun, sometimes even love…

just to keep promises we made, to follow our dreams, and to take care of business. 

We sacrifice it all for that one moment, when you finally accomplish your goals, keep your promises, and are working in the field you love. 

Everything in this life takes sacrifice, and those sacrifices are for the most part always worth your while. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

I am proud.


(Photo by photographer friend: Instagram: @itsonwithjon)

As I think about my graduation slowly creeping up…

A part of me is excited and I can’t wait, and the other part of me is sad and just wants to get it over with.

To be honest, I’ve been super sad.

I wish my madresita linda could be there for me.

I know, I know… “She’ll be there in spirit!” “She gets the best view!” “She’ll be celebrating from up above!”

As you can see, I’ve heard them all, and I know these are all very true…

But, she won’t be there in physical form.

I can’t actually celebrate with her.

I can’t hug her, kiss her, squeeze her, scream with her, laugh with her, or even take a picture with her.

I can’t hear her saying, “I am so proud of you!”

I can’t, and knowing that just makes me miss her and want her there even more.

This special moment in my life and many others to come will just have to be “sad and happy.”

No matter how much time passes, they will always be bitter sweet.

During this entire emotional roller coaster I’ve been going through since April, one emotion I been sure about since day one is my “pride.”

I am so f&*%en proud!

I am proud that I am finally finishing. I am proud that I am receiving one of three degrees I need to follow my ultimate dream.

I am proud that I over came so much.

I am proud that I did it!

I did it, even after life kicking me to the grown on my ass, I did it.

After heartbreaks, illnesses, tears, cancer, death, grieving, family drama, stress, loss of sleep, hard work, more stress, and at times thinking I couldn’t…

I did it!

and even made honor role, yup you guys read right.

While running a household and dealing with so much more than I could handle sometimes… I made the honor role at, California State University of Dominguez Hills.

How can someone not be proud of these accomplishments?

However, being proud of myself is only a portion of it.

I am proud of my mother.

Mi madresita linda, que tanto lucho y se esfuerzo.

La que llego de indocumentada.

La que lucho, fue fuerte, y nunca se rajo.

and like she said…

“Sufri, pase hambres, y humillaciones. Llore, y asta me quise regresar por que estaba de arrimada. Pero aqui me quede. Y la vida me fregaba, pero yo segui adelante.”

“Asi es que, recuerden me con honor, y pongan se las pilas! Siempre hagan el esfuerzo de seguir  adelante. No dejen que nada ni nadien se les ponga en el camino.”

Therefore, she is who I am most proud of.


(Photo by photographer friend: Instagram: @itsonwithjon)

I am proud of her and honored to have been the daughter of an immigrant  guerrera (warrior)!

Anticipating my graduation,

Kbeautfiulmind

 

 

The letter…


I have a bucket list. A list with things I’d like to do and accomplish before I die. I’ve had this list since I was young and it’s slowly build up to a longer list as I have gotten older. One of the things on my list was to make a difference in a strangers life whom I’ve barely know. Today I can finally check that off my list. After my moms death I’ve received nothing but positive words from all my friends, family, and loved ones. They have seen me struggle, they have seen me cry, they have seen me laugh, and even scream. Therefore they constantly tell me how admiring my strength is and their words continue to be a blessing in my life when times get rough. However, they know me therefore it’s a little bit normal coming from them. 

Today I received a letter as I was leaving class this morning. This random girl came up to me and told me ” Hey! I know we don’t really know each other but, I know your mom’s anniversary just passed and I wanted to give you and your family a little something. There is a letter in the envelope and it explains it all.” I was definitely caught off guard, and I knew the class knew about my mother’s anniversary because the class is about “death and dying,” so my professor had asked me a while back ago to share my story with them. But when I open this letter, I was left speechless with what I was reading! 

The girl stated in the letter that she had been in my class two years ago when my mother passed away. She overheard me telling the professor what had happened and why I had missed class. She said she went home that night crying, she hugged her mother and told her how much she loved her and appreciated her. Since then she stated that throughout my two years at CSUDH I have been her motivation and inspiration. She told me she appreciated me, and in her words “You have changed my life.” There is so much more to the letter, but the point is I’ve accomplished something so beautiful. 

I’ve always had a passion for loving and helping others, I truly believe this is my purpose in this world. 

I love the field I’m studying, and I can’t wait to get out there and continue to do what I did for this random stranger. 

This letter left me with many emotions, it brought me to tears as I thought of my mom and all that has happened. But, it also brought a smile amongst my face as I realized what a difference I have made in the life of a total stranger without even realizing it. 

I truly believe that this is what life is about! These are the moments that make the bad times in life easier to deal with. This is what we are here for, to leave our mark and be remembered for the wonderful things that we did… Not just accomplished ourselves but also what we did for others. 

This is why I WRITE. 

This is why I let go of my privacy and share my life stories and thoughts, with so many people and total strangers. 

This is it, I believe that this is what I am here for. 🙌🏻😊 

-Kbeautifulmind 

Until we meet again. 

“I think the hardest part of losing someone isn’t trying to say goodbye, it’s learning how to live without them that’s so unfavorable.” -Kbeautifulmind   
I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to my best friend from the moment they told us the cancer was terminal and every moment after that as we fought to pro long her life. 

Every doctors appointment, every ER visit, every chemo therapy, radiation therapy, and every sleepless night. I knew it. She tried to prepare me, she really did. 

For the most part I would always cry, but I was calm because she taught me to accept it through her peaceful and graceful way of facing it. 

She was one hell of a warrior! People think or say I’m strong, pphheewww they have no idea what strength is. She was like unstoppable! 

When the night of the 22nd hit, my life felt like it was crumbling at my feet and unfortunately those feelings comes back every once in a while and at random times. At night, in the car, at work, while cooking, in the shower, just at random. It’s painful every time, and at times even a bit frustrating. 

Any memory done with out her reminds me that she should be here and all the ones remembered with her break my heart that those were it. 

It’s like someone ripping off the bandaid again and reminding you that the wound is still there. I miss her like freaken crazy, and I told her it wouldn’t be easy…

“No matter how much you prepare me, the day you go it won’t be easy. When will I see you again? Talk to you? Hug you? When mom!?” 

And she said to me calm with grace in her voice; “Until we meet again…. That’s when.” 🐘💕 
So until then, I live. 

I live for her. 

At times in tears, fear, and plenty of stress. However, I live in strength, grace, and as resilient as possible just like she raised me. 

Until the day comes, that we finally meet again. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

They say…

It’s been a couple of hard weeks for me. Since Easter morning I’ve been riding in a emotional roller coaster. They say time heals all wounds, but does it? 

To an extend we sure do hope it’s true, when you want to forget about something or someone. 

You break up with a significant other, lose a friend, or go through a traumatic event and as time passes it’s like “Oh, this is nice. I’m better.” 

Specially if they did something shitty to you then it’s like, “Wow! This is great, I can’t believe I was crying when it happened.” 

The memories slowly disappear and that person once again means nothing to you. 
But, when you lose someone you really love to death, time can be very dreadful. 

Losing my mother was hard, and it’s gotten easier to deal with but I don’t know if I could ever see the wound healing. 
My mom hated taking pictures, she was very shy and reserved and would just rather not be the center of attention. 

So, time passing with her being gone can be so scary. You feel like maybe you’ll forget them. Their isn’t no updated pictures, no more silly voice mails or text messages. You start feeling like you might be forgetting what their hugs, kisses, and voice felt or sounded like. You still remember them but it’s now at random and they still feel like they are there but it’s only sometimes… So you try. 

You try to pray to them, talk to them, and at night you even think about them with hope that they will visit you in your dreams. You even have moments where you think, “I’ve always been scared to see your spirit but it sure would be nice if this could happen now!” Just so you can get one more look at them, one more conversation, one more listen to their laugh. 

Letting go of someone who wasn’t good for you makes time passing a blessing. However, needing to accept that someone is gone that you weren’t ready to let go of is so dreadful. 

I miss her like crazy! 

I wish she was here to see all the shitty things that are happening and also all the awesome things that are happening. 

I miss her hugs and her hands running through my hair, when I asked her to help me get rid of me “head aches.” 

I miss her silly jokes and her wonderful words of advise with everything from school and life to even friendship and romance. 

I know she’s with me, but I could really use her presence in my life again. 

It’s just not the same since she’s left, and I think that no matter how much times passes, nothing could ever heal or fill that void I have in my heart. 

-Kbeautifulmind