The perfect life

Ever since the early days family or personal problems were something you kept in between closed doors. You don’t speak on these issues because it is not seen as “right” to share them. Even now in days If you have the gut to speak on them you are not high fived for letting it out, if anything you are accused of desiring some kind of attention.
Even though I believe that only somethings are okay to share I don’t agree that nothing should be shared at all. Because if information isn’t shared then how do we learn that these are in deed problems at all?
Ever since I started my blog a lot of people have always asked me why I am the way I am. My boyfriend being one of them because he is a very private person. They have asked why I am not more private about my life and or why do I run a blog that’s almost like a dairy? But what they don’t always see is that I’m actually very private, I choose what I share and I know why I do it. Some might think “Maybe it’s attention she wants?” But attention and pity is the last thing I care to welcome. I just believe that sharing is the easiest way of getting help or appreciation. Its not attention I seek, it’s prevention that I wish to share, for we are all living through something and how do we get through it if we don’t know how? And how do we know how? We know how when we come across someone who has lived it too.
I mean think about it? How did we learn to get through a broken heart? Someone talked us through it.
How have we learned right from wrong? How to or how not to act?
What to take from others and what is not okay?
How did we learn the wrongs of abuse, disrespect, and torture?
How did we learned the cruelties of slavery or the history of the Holocaust?
We learned and continue to learn because stories are told, lives are shared through those that are living it for the reason that when the time comes again when someone or some of us suffer something similar we know how to fight through it and survive it.

-Kbeautifulmind

Constipated

My mom said something to me one night as we sat in the bathroom because the medication wasn’t letting her go. Constipated and tired she was as I sat in the tub reading my book to try and stay awake myself…
She said to me…
“You know it’s kind of cool?”
“That you can’t poop?”
“NO!” (laugh)
I couldn’t help but laugh with her….
Then she got serious…
“It’s kind of cool that God has allowed me the opportunity to know when I’m dying…”
This was only 3 weeks before she died and a week after we had been told that the cancer was now slowly taking over her brain and would someday just shut her down as she died slowly…
Her doctor predicted 3-6 months…
I rolled my eyes and told her “I guess mom, let’s just focus on pooping”
She laughed and said…
“No really!? Think about it? Car accidents, drowning, being murdered, burning or anything that is not any sevier disease just takes you while you had hope that you’d see those you love in a couple of hours or days…. that’s sad death just slaps you in the face!
At least when you know you live everyday like it’s your last, you tell them you love them, and you have no hopes of waking up the next day but you fall asleep with peace in your heart knowing that everyday you did all you had to do to be okay with what is happening…”
“I’m telling you Kelsey, it’s kind of cool”

http://www.refinery29.com/2014/10/75714/brittany-maynard-dignity-death

This video reminded me of my momma. I guess when you get the chance to live like you are dying you understand the value of life and the opportunity to have those you love around you.
I sure as hell know it has changed my whole view on life and as I keep living, I keep learning. I finally see what my mom meant after watching this.
Live life guys and appreciated it, we are really just passing by.

Kbeautifulmind

May you be resting in peace momma♡
I love you and miss you so so much!

Sometimes in this hard life all you have is YOU and YOURSELF.
In a moment when people are in your presence and life feels to good as you feel loved and appreciated it seems like nothing could ever take that away from you.
Unfortunately nothing is forever in this life, we are all just passing through.

Therefor…
Remember to always love yourself no matter what you’re going through! Never let life happen with out showing yourself respect, love and appreciation.
Also rememeber that any given time those who say would never leave will change there mind from one day to another. They will decide to leave you for doing one little thing not appreciating all that you put up with on your end. Unfortunately they are willing to never look back after you tried so hard to always give it a chance and hang on tight.
Friends are best friends one day and enemies another. People claim they care but they could careless. In a moment of tragic people always promise you everything then become invisible and can’t be found.
Those you thought you’d have forever, are now just a memory. And you will never be able to embrace them again.
People die and people are born; everything and anything can change in a heart beat.

Love yourself;
Kbeautifulmind

I use to believe…

I use to believe that as I got older life would only get easier. I believed it so strongly that in a way that’s the only reason why I’d try to stay positive and keep pushing. I would say to myself “Life CAN only get better”
Everything that would happen to my family and I would’nt affect me. I would just look for an excuse on why it was happening and on what good things it would bring into my life for the future.
For example, if we didn’t have any food my mom would say to us “I’m sorry girls all we have is beans again” and I’d say “Don’t worry mom beans are the best there is!”
But god knows I was soooo tired of beans and sopa.
If we couldn’t make the rent or had to move again, I’d worry so much and I HATE packing and moving. But I’d try to be positive and say “It will be cool, a whole new place!”
The list goes on and on and on and on…

And I’d try so so hard to understand. However we all go through our rebellious years and I definitely went through mine. As a teen I got to the point where I didn’t even believe my excuses anymore. I didn’t get it. And I’d even tell my mom things like “It just makes no sense how you work so hard and we do not have ANYTHING?
How mom? How don’t we ever have ANYTHING?
What did we do in our past life or before God put us on this earth to deserve it?
But I quickly learned to accept that we had just enough.
I learned that “God only gave me what I could handle”
So some how I use to believe that “Life could only get better”
And that “God was only giving us what we could handle”
And then I got older and I began to understand better. I started to believe that it was all in my control now and that it was up to ME to change things around. I would day dream of all the places I’d take my mom on vacation and of all the new things she’d finally experience. I use to believed that as long as I had a plan, all would go as planned.
However it didnt, nothing got better and NOTHING went as planned.
I’ve accepted that nothing always goes as planned but I can’t seem to understand why things never got better.
I’ve now learned and learned that life isn’t perfect so I’m not complaining and thinking “Why me?” Like if I am the only one who has lived through hard times.
I KNOW some have had it worse…
But I still don’t understand it!
My mom worked to die and never got to see the places she wanted to see.
My whole believe, plan and hope that someday we’d both be sitting hip to hip saying “Yupp, this is definitely better…” never happened.
And no its not all the same, somethings are better.
But I’m tired of hearing “God only gives you what you can handle”
Or
“Life could only get better”
Because it’s not true. Life can also get worse and that’s just LIFE for you. We are not all here to pursuit all of our dreams, we won’t all get everything thing we desire and want, not all of us will get a break and some people won’t live a happy ever after.
All I can do now is accept that with hope that even if it NEVER gets better, it will only become a smoother process to deal with it all.
Thinking a bit,
Kbeautifulmind

I am a Single Mother

In only a couple of days it will be 5 months since my mom has passed. I miss her like crazy everyday and every minute. I wish I could still come home and see her face and hear her voice but I can’t.
I was hoping that since she’d passed I’d be able to avoid hospitals for a while. However I’ve been to three different one’s since. Methodist our near home hospital which I am already familiar with because my mom spend 2 years in and out of there. Huntington Hospital in Pasadena where my sister ended up after being hit by a car (yes unfortunately the bitch is still running loose, I don’t know what is taking so long). Then there is also The children’s hospital of Los Angeles where I now know my way around because my brother has been here since Sunday. If any of you readers care, we are ALL OKAY no need to worry.
I still wish we had never made it to these places anyway. Everything about hospitals creeps me out now. The hallways, elivators, the beds, and the cold feeling you get no matter the temperature outside (102° by the way) and of course that sad feeling you get that you are not here for your mom anymore. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like my body and heart get this hope that they might see her again for a couple of minutes until my mind has to calm it down and say “sorry but she will not be here”.
What really brought me back to reality was when I was filling out the forms for my brothers admittion into the hospital and the man asked me “Are you a single mother or are you married?”
I answered with confusion on my face…
“Ummm, I am his sister”
and he said to me…
“Well of course, but the mother is deceased now and you are his guardian so are you a single mother or are you married?”
And with an empty feeling in my heart I answered “I am a single mother”
I walked out of there almost devistated. Not because I was raising my siblings or anything but because I never thought of it that way, until him. I was now something I never wanted to be. I was now a “Single Mother”. I knew it wasn’t by choice but I began to sort of freak out thinking of all I struggled along side of my single mother and wondered what would happen if I’d also fall in the future causing my siblings to struggle too?
I never could had imagined my life like this, I had a plan and it was destroyed and re written for me. And even though it saddened me and stressed me a lot I told myself as I walked back into my brothers hospital room, “You are a single mother now! Who was raised by one of the warriors of single mothers… You can do this!”
I went from negative to positive in only seconds but my brain was again smacking me out of it saying…
“You got this!”

Feeling positive and trying to stay strong;
Kbeautifulmind

A promise to my goddaughter

Today is my niece’s 1st Birthday! I’ll never forget the day her mommy told me she was pregnant. I freaked out!!!
I was very up set with her and could not believe what I was hearing. Instead of being her friend and listening I turned into an angry big sister/mom. I told her she was such a dummy and if she had not learned enough from everything we suffered growing up in a house hold where we didn’t have much not even enough time with our momma.
I told her… “Do you not remember all we had to do? Pretty much raising ourselves because she had to go to work all the time? You can’t bring a baby into this world right now! Look at what you guys have to offer “her”… NOTHING!”
And even though my sister was annoyed she said she knew a lecture was coming when she told me. All she did was find humor in it and said “So you think it’s a Her?”
I could have killed her in that moment, always so dam stubborn.
However even though I thought I was right, I now see I wasn’t.
And I’d like to take this moment to say sorry. Not just to my sister but to my niece who I love so much. I’m sorry pretty girls.

Dear Audrina,
Happy 1st Birthday!🎉🎀
I love you very much and I could never imagine life with out you. I remember the day god brought you into this world like it was yesterday. First of all you kept us waiting like crazy, I remember spending the whole night up waiting for you to arrive and you never came, finally as I was coming back to the hospital from the first day of school your gamma called me to tell me you were on your way! I drove like a crazy lady and rushed to the hospital. I made it just in time as they came out to tell us you were finally here. I felt like a new little piece of hope, love, happiness and joy filled my heart and I knew right then and there as I looked into your beautiful (yet very swollen) eyes that I was going to love you more then anyone I’ve ever loved before. You were my niece and I was so happy that you were here. As you’ll know when you are old enough to understand we as a family were going through alot when we found out about you. Gamma (Nana) was very sick and is now no longer with us but I honestly am so glad the Lord has put you in our lives to help us find peace and happiness with your silliness and to warm our hearts with all your love😍
I don’t have much to offer you (yet) but I promise I will be the best Nina you will ever have. Like I promised Grandma before she left us; I will always protect you, help you to the best of my ability with anything you need, love you no matter what you do or don’t do, and make sure you always know how beautiful and important you are. I promise to always try and lead you down the right path. I also promise to always help you, listen and understand you in case you make any mistakes. I promise you that as long as I live you will always have a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on.
But most of all I promise to love you with all my heart and soul.
I love you mucho Drina-winnaa, mi bolita de masita, mi gorda preciosa💕
Your favorite Auntie;
Kelsey🌻

What will you do?

Today is my last day of summer vacation. I guess you can say it’s not exactly the summer vacation my little brothers get or the kind I use to get back when I was in grade school. The cat naps, waking up when you wanted, going to bed as late as you wanted (I can’t even count how many all nighters my little brother Kevin pulled playing video games) eating what you wanted and doing what you wanted for about 2-3 months. I’ve been working since high school and I’ve juggled two jobs now since 2008. Time just flies by way to fast sometimes. Without even realizing it minutes, hours, and days are just passing. When you’re so caught up on your career and your future, things just keep moving on.
We’ve been fortunate enough to keep ourselves busy- I say fortunate because we’re trying our best to block out and not paying attention to the tough times we are currently living. It’s now been four months since my momma left this life. Being busy makes the toughest times seem not so bad. This summer I can honestly say I did alot; 4 concerts one more to come, 6 Dodger games, a couple visits to Six Flags (I am a pass holder), at least 6 nights out dancing, out door movie nights, small gatherings, dinner dates, game nights, 1 dinner party/kick back hosted by me, a trip to Texas and a couple other outings including my birthday celebrations! But some how I always manage to go back to that day she left us and it breaks my heart everytime.
They say time heels all, and it’s only been four months but I don’t think anything will ever feel the same again.
Because everything reminds me of her and this emptiness I feel could never be filled.
However I was thinking to myself the other night as I laid in bed (missing her of course since we spend the last 2 years sleeping together because I was afraid she would choke) and I thought to myself how can I move forward?
I thought of the fact that my brothers have been so disrespectful the whole “You are not our mom” phase has kicked in and I am so stressed out at times. I thought about how in only a couple of days (starting tomorrow) I’ll be juggling school, 2 jobs and 2 teenagers…. and I wanted to run away in that moment! Then the thinking happened and I started to tell myself…
“Be positive!”
“Breath!”
“Her death can’t make you give up! How will you represent her? Honor her? Make her proud?”
Although alot of people have told me I am doing a good job already, in that moment I decided I need to do more, I need to try and be positive and I need to raise her children right….
I need to be the Super Women she was.
So with that in mind I know that as of today there is 230 days left to this year. I’m going to try and be positive everyday, live life, find peace and represent my mother as the fighter and Super Women she ro modeld for 46 years. I’m going to focus on making myself be happy again, be healthier, and feel over all better because I know that’s what she would want! (Because she told me this in a letter)

So what are you going to do?
We are all living different life circumstances but I want to advise you all to make the 230 days count! Keep pushing yourself, keep yourself busy, and keep your head high as you welcome positivity in to your life. Good things will come out of it all, guaranteed.

Remembering that no storm is forever;
Kbeautifulmind

Happy Birthday up in Heaven

Happy Birthday up in Heaven
from your children here on earth.
We love you and We miss you,
and want to let you know…

Your birthdays aren’t forgotten.
and your memory yet lives on.
We your children will celebrate your life with us even though you’ve gone.

If God were to grant us just one wish,
then make that wish come true,
you’d be here right beside us
and we’d spend this special day with you.

And while here for your birthday
you would be so hugged and kissed
that you would know before you go
how much you’re loved and missed.

We hope that you enjoy yourself and are smiling from up above. And that you have a big ol’ cake with lots of strawberries on top.

We hope that you are proud very happy and stress free, that you are looking at us and are delighted with what you see.

Happy 47th Birthday Mommy we love you and miss you so darn much.

Wishing you were here;
Kbeautifulmind

What’s with the miggit?

There is only a couple of people I’ve ever known in my life that like me actually believe that the dreams we have mean something, or are trying to tell us something.
Those people are my friend Dawnn, my uncle Luis and my mom. My mom believed it almost religiously and she was so good at telling you exactly what your dream ment and what you were suppose to get out of it. My uncle and mom had that same gift, I call it a gift because some of the stuff my mom would dream were really clear warnings of something in the future. I swear god put her in this world as a messenger and an angel here to help others. Everyone of her friends including my friend Dawnn would go to her to ask about their dreams. And she was always right.
I got in a big accident back in 2009 and she knew about it like a week before, she didn’t know it be that bad but she kept dreaming stuff that pretty much told her I would be in an accident… weird right?

Since my mom has passed I been really jealous of all other people who have gotten the chance to dream, see and even feel her. I haven’t been as lucky like all of her close friends and my siblings. I have no idea why? My friend told me “Maybe she doesn’t think you are ready yet” and maybe she is right, but I still was jealous of everyone else.

Then the other night I finally felt her in my dream, but unfortunately I didn’t get to see her.

Instead it was a dream I probably would have been very scared of, except that I actually felt her which made it not so scary. It was the weirdest dream ever!

It was a few days before my boyfriend graduated from school, I dreamed that he was telling me that he was not going to graduate because of his hair style, the school was just not allowing it.

So I left the room which was apparently “our” room and I went to go ask someone that was in the room next door “Why can’t he graduate wit his hair style?”

Anyway long story short when I left that room I was walking into my living room to make sure the doors were locked and a miggit popped out of the corner by the door to hug me! Yes you read right a miggit! A little tini person!

If you know me well you know I am scared of little people. No I don’t act rude or scream like a nut job when I see one but I do begin to feel like I am hyperventilating when I am close to one and I have to tell myself to relax.
Why you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA!
Yes, I know they are human too and that there is no reason to be afraid of them but I am terrified! And I am so sorry for that if you are smaller then 4 feet and are thinking “RUDE” I promise I don’t mean no harm, I just get nervous and scared when I see a super small human being.

Anyway back to my dream…

So the miggit popped out of the corner and hugged my legs very very tight, then dropped me to the grown still holding me and that’s when I saw my little brothers face with a little bit of my mom’s face and I asked it…

“Mom is that you?”

And it nodded “Yes!”
My blood pressure began to rise as I wanted to freak out but was also very excited! I grabbed it’s face and mouth and kept saying “Mom is that really you? Say something to me! Talk to me!”

It just stared at me with its mouth wide open, just like my mom looked when she was on her last 3 days as she was gasping for air…

I began to get scared because “it” wouldn’t talk and I said…
“Mom! I’m so sorry! Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Am I making you proud?”

And after every question “it” looked at me with confusion, still hugging me tight nodding it’s head… No…yes… and a faster yes to the last question.

Then I heard my boyfriend’s voice…
“Girlfriend are you okay?”

And the little person, or little Kevin/Mom looked at me with a fear in it’s face like we were going to get caught and said…

“I’m sorry, I need to go… I love you.”

and It was MY mom’s voice! It was her! And “it” disappeared as it left me laying there curled up in a ball hugging myself.

The dream ended with me telling my boyfriend “She was here, why did you come out? Why? Why?” As I cried and cried.

What made it more real was that I woke up at almost 4am and I couldn’t move. I was crying a waterfall of tears and my body was tight and I was still hugging myself and I could still feel the super tight hug that the little person gave me. I cried and I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid because the dream was so weird or happy because I finally felt/heard her. All I knew is that I could not move and I needed to call my boyfriend to tell him but it took me about 10 minutes before I could move.

After I called and woke him, talked and was able to relax I kept thinking “What’s with the miggit mom? What the hell does that mean?” I couldn’t understand why she/god or the dream angel would have me feel/hear her through the body of a little person knowing how afraid I am of them?

And it still doesn’t make sense, except for the idea that maybe she was trying to tell me to “not be afraid of what’s coming”

All I know is that it was weird, yet nice to finally feel her and that I really wished I could run to her room and ask her what the dream ment… But I couldn’t.

Hoping to dream her again soon;
Kbeautifulmind

My 40 days…

It’s been exactly 40 days since my mom passed away.
And the craziest and most overwhelming 40 days off my life.
They say that in other countries like our cultural country and where our family comes from (Zacatecas, Mexico) you morn and don’t do anything at all for the first 40 days. You don’t work, listen to music or watch TV, and you don’t go out much unless it’s needed. You take those days to cry, love your family and those around you and help each other find peace again.
Unfortunately in America, life must go on weather we like it or not…
In my life it started from the night she died…
We started a nine day rosarie which is about an hour long but the food and chatter makes people stay for like 3 hours. It then went to all the people that surronded me asking if I needed anything or giving their condolences, to all the family at our house with total different personalities causing them to argue and what not about their different views on everything, to my grandma asking me every night “Why was I creamating my mom for it is not the CATHOLIC thing to do.”
Then after those two weeks, I was left all alone with the boys making me kind of miss all the comotion.
Then our own comotion started up again as I heard them cry, scream, fight and I even got the whole “You are not my mom” card from my youngest brother and the older one tried to pull the “I am running away” card.
And all along I had to deal with my own emotions on top of it all and people… lot’s of people! As well as all the crazy paper work that comes a long with the death of someone. From taking c.ustody, to bills, the housing arrangement and closing down any accounts of her’s and so on.
It all can get very overwhelming but it also can make you realize that life goes on. That not just because you wish to pause and freeze for a little to take a breath means that everyone else will stop with you… sadly in that sense you are on your own.
Anyway back to the people, oh the people there is friends of my own, my mom’s close friends, our family and all the fake nosey people who want to know just how you are going to do it all on your own. Either way everyone worries about you, they all stress for you, some of them making you feel bad because you can’t cure their sadness and you almost feel like you have to help them.
And of course there is work and school and just flat out LIFE.
Then there is the quite moments, from the minute you wake up and realize it is all real or that minute right before you go to bed when it all hits you the hardest.

I have to admit even though those are the times I am the most sad, they are also my most favorite times of all.

And on top of it ALL, I have felt nothing but guilt, and anger because I couldn’t help my mommy any further to help her get better. I thought that if I was good, if I listened to the doctors, if I followed all the rules, maybe we can turn this thing around… just maybe she’ll get better!

But she didn’t, and fourthy days later on top of all the comotion it still sucks that I have to do all of this with out her here.
She is the reason for my sadness and weakness as well as what keeps me pushing.

Missing my Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind