I use to believe…

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I use to believe that as I got older life would only get easier. I believed it so strongly that in a way that’s the only reason why I’d try to stay positive and keep pushing. I would say to myself “Life CAN only get better”
Everything that would happen to my family and I would’nt affect me. I would just look for an excuse on why it was happening and on what good things it would bring into my life for the future.
For example, if we didn’t have any food my mom would say to us “I’m sorry girls all we have is beans again” and I’d say “Don’t worry mom beans are the best there is!”
But god knows I was soooo tired of beans and sopa.
If we couldn’t make the rent or had to move again, I’d worry so much and I HATE packing and moving. But I’d try to be positive and say “It will be cool, a whole new place!”
The list goes on and on and on and on…

And I’d try so so hard to understand. However we all go through our rebellious years and I definitely went through mine. As a teen I got to the point where I didn’t even believe my excuses anymore. I didn’t get it. And I’d even tell my mom things like “It just makes no sense how you work so hard and we do not have ANYTHING?
How mom? How don’t we ever have ANYTHING?
What did we do in our past life or before God put us on this earth to deserve it?
But I quickly learned to accept that we had just enough.
I learned that “God only gave me what I could handle”
So some how I use to believe that “Life could only get better”
And that “God was only giving us what we could handle”
And then I got older and I began to understand better. I started to believe that it was all in my control now and that it was up to ME to change things around. I would day dream of all the places I’d take my mom on vacation and of all the new things she’d finally experience. I use to believed that as long as I had a plan, all would go as planned.
However it didnt, nothing got better and NOTHING went as planned.
I’ve accepted that nothing always goes as planned but I can’t seem to understand why things never got better.
I’ve now learned and learned that life isn’t perfect so I’m not complaining and thinking “Why me?” Like if I am the only one who has lived through hard times.
I KNOW some have had it worse…
But I still don’t understand it!
My mom worked to die and never got to see the places she wanted to see.
My whole believe, plan and hope that someday we’d both be sitting hip to hip saying “Yupp, this is definitely better…” never happened.
And no its not all the same, somethings are better.
But I’m tired of hearing “God only gives you what you can handle”
Or
“Life could only get better”
Because it’s not true. Life can also get worse and that’s just LIFE for you. We are not all here to pursuit all of our dreams, we won’t all get everything thing we desire and want, not all of us will get a break and some people won’t live a happy ever after.
All I can do now is accept that with hope that even if it NEVER gets better, it will only become a smoother process to deal with it all.
Thinking a bit,
Kbeautifulmind

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