There is no perfect.
No perfect man.
No perfect woman.
There will always be struggles.
Always.
You just have to find the one worth struggling with.
-Kbeautifulmind
Tag: faith
The challenge of life…
Weather you believe in god or not…
Sometimes life starts throwing these punches at you, and you can’t help but look up and go… “Why!? Why me!? Can you give me a break!?”
Everyone starts saying things like…
“You are going to be okay.”
“Everything will work it’s self out.”
“God only gives you what you can handle.”
and my favorite one…
“You must continue to be positive and have faith.”
The challenge of life isn’t necessarily over coming the obstacles, it’s more of believing you can.
In a moment of receiving bad news, it’s a bit hard to “be positive and have faith.”
In a moment of losing something or someone, you can’t even imagine “everything is going to be okay.”
In a moment of being knocked on your ass with a problem that seems to not have a solution, you don’t assume that “everything will work itself out.”
and…
In a moment when it seems like life is just picking on you…
and it’s one bad news…
followed by another bad news…
and you can’t seem to understand…
or, find the answers you are looking for…
it feels as if God or life is out to get you and you can’t seem to understand “WHY!?”
well,
You definetly are not thinking…
“God only gives you what you can handle.”
You see, the challenge in life isn’t over coming the obstacle.
It’s believing that the odds will be in your favor, and that you can actually do it.
Specifically when it seems as if life has been out to get you, your entire LIFE.
My word of advise for all of you and myself…
If we are blessed to continue to see another day, we will be alright.
-Kbeautifulmind
The hand he deals you…
“Everyone makes excuses for them.”
“They make excuses for themselves.”
…
“Life is just hard for them, they never get lucky with their cards.”
“God hates me”
“I was put in this world to suffer”
“Their love was tampered by life, they were delt the wrong set of cards.”
God never deals anyone the wrong set of cards, he gives you the perfect hand for your life and situation. It’s how you play the game that results if you win or lose it all.
Stop making excuses on why you couldn’t or can’t get through something.
Stop making excuses on why you’re making the hard times harder.
Stop making excuses for your bad decisions, or why you hurt someone, or why you disrespected them.
Stop making excuses on why you’re a shitty person and/or treat other’s like shit.
We are the cards in our own game, we decide how we play our hand and what results in it.
It won’t be a perfect game, there will be times where you will be down and times where you’ll be up.
You won’t always hold the higher hand in comparison to those around you, but your time will come and if you cherish what you have and play fair…
You always win.
-Kbeautifulmind
Stop walking in darkness
I have always known I was very fortune to have been raised by a woman like my mom.
I know most of us love our mom’s or dad’s and in our eyes they are the best parents anyone could ever ask for.
But I don’t like to sit here and just state I had the best mom in the world.
I can honestly say that God gave me the best mom in the world for ME.
You see my mom was truly a warrior. Her way of thinking and living life is something that not only has made a positive difference in my life but has also maid a positive difference in the life of others.
She was the kind of person that told it like it is but not to be some “rude” person who says
“That looks ugly on you” just because she dislikes you or has envy for you.
She didn’t speak ignorance, she always kept the other persons feelings in mind and did what she could to truly help them.
She spoke from the heart, she always wanted what was best for those around her and was definitely the perfect friend to have who believed in you despite what you had done or didn’t do.
She lived life with such a positive mind set that she has inspired me and many of those who were lucky enough to be a part of her life to do the same.
I can truly sit here and say I (Kelsey) got super lucky to have been fortunate to be the daughter of that woman because who I am is truly something I couldn’t have been with out her by my side.
From her I have learned to love and see the good in everyone.
To help other’s even if they don’t appreciate it.
To believe in myself no matter what.
But most of all…
She taught me the true meaning of life, something that some people take years to figure out or that unfortunately never figure it out.
Over the past couple of years I wasn’t technically myself anymore. I became very bitter and negative twords life and the plans of God. I’d victimized myself and with negativity I’d ask the same questions over and over again…
“Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?”
I was truly lost and for a while really believed god was being unfair.
Now that my mom is gone and I have still been through a couple of hard times in this life, I am proud to say I am finding myself again. I have decided to stop walking in the darkness and even though she isn’t physically here, I KNOW she is walking me through it.
I have reviewed my life and have decided to focus on what matters.
I now have rediscovered what I have always known.
I know my value, I know my worth and I see my fortunes.
I now wake up happier, and so gratful to be breathing, to be healthy and with the motivation to keep pushing to only get healthier and become happier.
Therefore I write this personal post to give you all some adivse just like my mom would have told anyone in need of it.
The secret to this thing we call life is to find it in yourself to see the good in everything. What you “think” may be something tragic is truly just what you need for your life to progress and become something even better.
What may seem like a bad day, is just a little bump on the road to prepare you for the good to come. Remember that you must stop walking in darkness if you desire to walk in the light. Be gratful and stay humble, appreciate what you have and strive for better because it’s what you need not just what you want. Do what you love and walk in your path of life with your dreams and happiness in mind. See the good in all of your hard times, and get what you can out of them as you use it all to better yourself and your life.
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend,
-Kbeautifulmind
This one is for the “crazy” ladies…
One of my Best Friends and I could not stop laughing as we had lunch yesterday because we were talking about the things women do to catch men/boys in their lies. Guilty of some things our selves we laughed as we looked back at what we have done and said.
If you’re a woman who has been in more then one relationship I’m sure you’ve had a least one guy tell you…
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
YOU’RE FREAKEN CRAZY!!!”
For as far as we can remember girls and women have always been identified as “weak, needy, emotional, cry babies, drama queen’s etc.”
and when we grow a little bit of courage and speak up they call us C-R-A-Z-Y.
cra·zy
ˈkrāzē/Submit
informal
adjective
1.
mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
“Stella went crazy and assaulted a visitor”
synonyms: mad, insane, out of one’s mind, deranged, demented, not in one’s right mind, crazed, lunatic, non compos mentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare; More
antonyms: sane
extremely annoyed or angry.
“the noise they made was driving me crazy”
foolish.
“it was crazy to hope that good might come out of this mess”
synonyms: stupid, foolish, idiotic, silly, absurd, ridiculous, ludicrous, preposterous, farcical, laughable, risible, nonsensical, imbecilic, harebrained, cockamamie, half-baked, impracticable, unworkable, ill-conceived, senseless; etc.
antonyms: sensible
2.
extremely enthusiastic.
“I’m crazy about Cindy”
synonyms: passionate about, (very) keen on, enamored of, infatuated with, smitten with, devoted to; etc.
So as you guys can see based off the true definition of crazy, and woman being the bigger percentage of people in this world we are all surrounded by some serious dangerous lunatics. (Laugh)
could this be?
Or is that the word a man/boy uses to identify a woman when they have realized she has out smarted him once again?
If it’s one thing I’m sure of as a woman is that I absolutely hate looking stupid. Because I as a woman already find it hard to prove myself in this world. I have always been questioned my the men of this society or teased for having my “blonde” moments. I also can’t even count how many times I been told I can’t do something. Yeah I can be a little ditzy at times but I’m human and for all this I know looking stupid would only work against me.
Therefor I am a know it all, when I litterly “KNOW IT ALL”
What do I mean by that you may ask?
Well, when it comes to relationships…
I am not your average jealous girlfriend who gets mad if my guy is smiling and being nice to the waitress or if he is checking out the fat ass on a super fit woman at the gym, I mean lesbi-honest I noticed her first. I don’t walk around saying “eewww, she is ugly or she looks ugly in that.” I don’t keep my man from having guys night’s and I don’t question anything unless I KNOW or FEEL there is something wrong.
I just don’t see any point in waisting my energy. I’ve always believed that forcing anything will only make you unhappy in the end, and if some one wants to play you they will find a way to do it no matter how short you hold the leash.
So like most women I turn into a secret agent, I figure out what it is that I am “assuming” is going on and I prove it. I do whatever it takes to prove myself right before I even say a word. Once I have analyzed him, the situation, proved I was right, and have thought of a response to every stupid excuse he is going to give me to add to his lies… Then I corned him with hope he’ll at LEAST man up and admit his wrongs.
(As you can tell I really believe in the good in people)
Do they ever?
No
So that’s when I am identified as crazy.
To be honest I’m okay with that because it just means I wasn’t dumb enough to take anyone’s shit and I am not dumb enough to keep quite when someone does me wrong.
And if any of you actually care, I’m here to tell you there is nothing to be ashamed of. It was actually proven that all women have that sense in them because we are naturally born to nurture and protect our selves and those we love. This is how we are able to identify that gut feeling that tells us there is something wrong, and if we use it wisely it makes some of us powerful, independent women which can only result in a successful life.
You are not crazy, you are just smarter then the idiot who thought he could out smart you.
Therefor the problem is that he didn’t think you’d be better at his own game and that is what has pissed him off.
So if your crazy then keep being crazy, it only shows how smart you are.
Now don’t be insecure, there is a difference.
Everyone deserves a chance and I’m not talking about your partner I’m talking about YOU, you deserve a chance at love and if you’re insecure and you don’t love yourself you will only make yourself unhappy.
Take a leap of faith and if they screw it up at least you tried.
And if they call you crazy, then take it as a compliment:)
Backing up all my crazy ladies;
Kbeautifulmind
Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭
“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”
Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012
They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies that were a success and she took them like a champ.
She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.
Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.
The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.
She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.
In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”
As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.
She was doing so good for about a month and a half.
On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.
We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…
But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.
I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.
My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.
I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.
Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.
She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.
I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.
R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014
Until we meet again momma…
Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)
“And don’t forget you have to keep making my Tamales”
I haven’t blogged in a while, I just haven’t had much energy for anything. I guess you can say I been a little emo but it’s just so hard to be positive all the time when you see your hero, the queen of your world and your best friend not doing so well. My momma has a lot going on with this dam Cancer that has begun to rapidly spread. She was in the hospital last week and even though they did a couple of things that have really helped her, the doctors have now gave us that “any day now… you must be ready…” talk. And I am mad again, a bit mad with God because a part of me wants to blame him. A bit mad that I can’t do anything to heel her, and a bit mad that her time could come any time soon and it’s just flat out not fair!
I mean it just makes no sense, why would my lord take the only parent I’ve ever had, the one that’s always been here for me, my best friend!
Does he not know I still need her?
We all still need her? My youngest brother is only 11! Does she not get to meet his first girlfriend? Or see either of her boys graduate high school?
Who in this world is going to walk me down the aisle someday? I have a wonderful godfather and uncles but no one would make me as happy as she would if I had her by my side! What about my graduation? One of her dreams is to see me graduate from college!?
And what about my kids? Why does only Audrina (my niece) get to meet her awesome grandma? And also why doesn’t my mom get to stick around to see Audrina grow?
And most of all! She isn’t even ready to go! She has told me that she told god her self “I am not afraid or anything but I’m not ready to die yet”
So my question is WHY, WHY and WHY???
None of it makes sense and I have realized that dwelling on it won’t change things. I mean do I wish god would answer my prayers and send me a miracle? Well yes of course. But I need to try really, really hard to not dwell. It’s making me angry and grouchy and I always have a headache now in days and that’s not good!
My mom was freaking me out a bit yesterday because she wasn’t looking so good. She just started radiation on her head, she has these big soars and burns on her butt from the radiation on her tail bone that hurt so much that she can’t even poop comfortably. She weighs 88 pounds and they come in every other day to drain the liquid from her lung that leaves her in so much pain! She said it feels like she is getting her heart and lungs sucked out, because it’s like a little vacuum.
So in pain and all she began to talk to me last night, it was almost like she was saying good bye but not exactly she spoke to me about what she wants to take care of and begin to prepare. She told me she wants to be creamated even if it’s not really the “Catholic” thing to do. She told me what she wanted me to tell her siblings the ones she won’t get to see before she goes (there is 16 of them). Then she began to tell me how she would want us to live our life with out her. She told me to always take care of her boys and try not to fight with them no matter how annoying and messy they are… “If you speak to them nicely and calm they will help you” She said she was really sorry for leaving me all the baggage, but that she felt I was the only one who could handle it because no matter how much of a cry baby I am… “You are just like me, my strength will live on, in you” She told me to live my life and follow my heart, she said “I see the way Chris looks at you and he loves you but no matter what always make sure YOU are happy with your life, don’t just cruise through life until you die, make sure to live! Make sure to love deeply and be happy!”
and, well she said a couple of other things…
She finally ended the conversation with…
Oh yeah, last but not least “You have to keep making my tamales! I don’t know why but people love those things! And follow every step I gave you and NEVER, EVER make Tamales mad or in a negative mood, they will come out “agrios” (sour/bad) also learn to make mole because your boyfriend loves my mole! And I know you love your Arros con Leche gorda so learn to make that too!” Finally we were getting ready to say good night and she said “I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, I know I need to be stronger but if you could feel this, I would never wish it on anyone, it is so so so painful”
Even though it was nice to have that talk, I couldn’t help but continue and ask god, why?….
Still wishing for a miracle,
Kbeautifulmind
Beads for Battle
“A kind gesture can reach a wound only compassion can heal” -unknown
I have to admit I use to look at people who had no legs or were disabled in some way weather it was being sick or what not and I would get so sad for them.
I remember when I was like 7 years old and I had to get in the bus with my grandma in Mexico, there was a kid in there with no shoes all dirty and gross, he smelled so so bad. He only had one leg and had these hand made crutches to help him around. When we got out of the bus I started to cry and my grandma asked what was wrong? I told her I was sad for that little boy as I asked why don’t his parents take him a shower? And why did “diosito” (god) only give him one leg?
She said to me that he probably didn’t have parent’s and that something must have happened to him in explanation of the leg…
I cried even harder and said “Grandma why do parents leave?”
Since I was also suffering in understanding why I didn’t have a father at the time, I just didn’t get it.
I remember going to church that week on Sunday and that’s when I really started to pray. I began by praying for the little boy as I asked him to please bless him with some love and support because he was a little boy and didn’t deserve to be alone.
And that’s when I began to ask God to please protect my family and loved ones because I wouldn’t want to loose them or to see them hurt.
I remember thinking that if I did this every night and said thank you everyday we would all be okay.
As you all may have read after finding out about my mom’s diagnostic I felt like god had let me down and I was mad at him…
But don’t worry I think him and I are cool now 🙂
But I was mad because I guess I felt that as long as I spoke to him and asked and thanked every one would be fine. But I didn’t realize that there was more to this disease then what god controls and that I am NOT the only one feeling this pain.
“Hi my name is Cynthia. In April 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I started this organization to show support and spread positivity to others who are fighting for their lives. These strong individual’s need support to have the confidence to continue their battle…”
About a week or so I “met” Cynthia through a facebook message.
The thing is I already knew her story because we both have a wonderful friend by the name of Nairy who shared her story with me and told me a bit about her organization “Beads for battle”
I’ll admit that when Nairy told me I didn’t pay much attention. It’s not that I wasn’t interested I remember thinking “Why to such a young girl god, poor thing” but I was so caught up in my own life and issues that I didn’t further look into it.
When Cynthia contacted me on Facebook I felt like she had just gave me one of those big bear hugs that just make you relax and feel like everything will be okay. I felt the fight in her words and mind as well as true sympathy coming out of everything she wrote.
I knew right then and there that God gave her only what she could handle. God knew her strength and her big heart and knew she would use it to support others and spread love as well as her strength.
In that moment I knew I didn’t have to actually meet Cynthia in person to know that this young lady was an angel. As she told me that my family and I would be in her prayers and reminded me that “No one fights alone” I knew she was there for me.
That same day as we messaged back and forth, Cynthia offered to send my family and I some bracelets with beads and crosses that would remind us that we were not alone. Yesterday I received those beads and it was like Christmas in February! Not only were they absolutely beautiful but they put a big smile on my face because it’s like I could hear her telling me “No one fights alone”
In that moment I realized that we really are brought into this world for different purposes and I just pray that God continues to give people like Cynthia, my mom and other cancer victims the strength to fight on!
Happy with my pretty bracelets;
Kbeautifulmind
P.S if you’d like to donate to help Cynthia continue with this wonderful organization or would like to order a bracelet for a family member or yourself contact her at beadsforbattle@yahoo.com or find her on twitter: @beadsforbattle or find her page on facebook: beads for battle Inc.
I’ll crawl if I have to…
A couple of weeks ago I got in a small accident with some idiot and well long story short I currently don’t have a car.
I seriously wonder sometimes if I am going to die in some sort of car accident or car situation because I always have some sort of issue. Last year alone I had 5 flat tires; can you say, bad luck? -_-
Anyway so the point of sharing that is that since I don’t have a car I’m driving my mom’s car to work and school and what not. You don’t realize how much your car means to you till you don’t have it, sharing a car with my mom is a bit stressful.
Yesterday I went to work and my mom called me around 5 to see if I was going to make it to mass. I couldn’t make it do to work and I figured she wouldn’t go because she can’t really walk.
I was wrong…
On my way home from work she called me to pick her and the boys up at church, I was so shocked wondering who had taken her or how they got there?
She took a taxi! Ha ha
I told her “Mom! A taxi? Why didn’t you just skip today, you can’t even walk!”
And she said to me…
“God doesn’t skip blessing me, or waking me up for another day, or making sure my kids and loved ones are safe… Therefor if I have to crawl to church one day out of the week for the rest of my life then I will!”
I was surprised by her answer and at the same time ashamed of myself for not thinking the same way.
It made me realize that like always she was right! God has been so good to us since she got diagnosed, and even when it seems like the road is ending he opens up another path for us.
Please take a minute to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
As I try to raise money for my mom’s treatment!
Feeling alright!
Kbeautifulmind
Can we get 6,000…?
It’s Friday after noon and I just called my mom to see how she was doing?
She is a bit better today, her back no longer hurts but she can barely walk, because the pain on the leg is still very strong.
We got a hold of the doctor after we left the hospital and clearly I was right (read my last post) the doctor at emergency over exaggerated a bit. I mean he wasn’t lying, yes cancer in the bone eventually eats up at the bones causing them to collapse. However my mom isn’t quiet there yet. The doctor said her cancer had not grown or moved compared to the last scan he did and that as long as we acted on it we can buy her some time.
Our next issue is the Medi-Cal, my mom has been waiting for an approval for full coverage for over a year now and every time it gets denied….
“She make to “much money!”” they say….
Yet she has no income at all coming in right now… Does that make any sense?
Anyway, as of now my mom has a monthly deductible of 1000 for any medical care that’s not including her treatments and medication.
Therefor even though the doctor has suggested a treatment that can prolong her life and radiation to decrease the pain, we have to either wait or get about $6,000 together to get things started.
Well as you all may predict my mouth dropped as I shead tears knowing there was no way I could get $6,000. My mom told me to stop crying “things will work out for the best.” Even though I appreciate her strength and I am glad she is so positive, I knew in that moment things won’t fall into place any time soon. Unless I could get $6,000 soon. I knew there was no way I was going to win the lottery or meet some one super wealthy that wouldn’t mind just giving me 6,000 dollars and I knew I couldn’t save that money on top of all the bills I have to pay with the kind of money I make. So I decided to swallow my pride and start a fundraiser. Well its not exactly a fundraiser I guess, it’s more like another way of begging for money which is why I kept questioning it and why I’m keeping it from my mom.
So far I’ve raised 265 dollars just telling a small summary of our crazy life story and if this is going to help get my mom treated faster then so be it. I don’t care if she finds out and gets mad, I don’t care what other’s have to say, I need her here with me and the fact that I can’t make things better kills me inside every single day. Therefore I will do anything to get her that treatment, even if it’s considered begging.
I’m sorry mom that I am asking others for help but I’m not ready to give in to loosing you just yet and I still can’t handle all of this on my own.
For those of you interested in her status, I’ll keep you updated.
and if you care to donate or maybe even just want to share the link to help me spread the word….
Share this link on your social media pages and ask friends to share too! Let’s raise some money for my mommy! http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
Until next time,
Kbeautifulmind
Kbeautifulmind 