Tag: Death

The Goodbye

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A year ago today, my loving, caring, helpful and beautiful mother left this earth.

I’ll never forget the pain I felt on that night.
The nurse had said she wouldn’t make it through the night on April 21st.
Yet we kept asking her to please hold on, as her mother was now on her way.
The day of her death was filled with anxiety and fear.
You see, being the stuborn and independent woman my mom was she had requested for my grandma not to know the truth about her cancer.
However it was now too late, and my grandma was on her way to California with out knowing why my mom was truly leaving us.
My grandma arrived about two hours before my mom passed.
She began to ask “Why won’t she wake up?”
Her kids would tell her “She’s really sick mom, we must let her rest.”
Then she said “Wake up mija, look it’s me your mom, I have arrived to see you. Let me put this ointment on you mija. Please get up, I know it will help you feel better.”
I began to cry, it was so painful to see my beautiful grandma in so much pain and confusion.
So she looked at me with tears in my eyes and said, “She isn’t going to wake up, is she?”
Her kids answered and said “She’s going to be okay mom, she just needs to rest…”
all you heard after that was the broken words of a heart broken mother.

“Stop! Stop lying to me. I am her mother, I KNOW.”

The rest of the time we prayed, we sung, and we cried. One by one everyone began to say their goodbyes and whisper what they needed to say into her ear.
Her siblings called from Mexico and one by one with the phone to my mom’s ear they also had the chance to tell her what they wanted.
Her breathing slowly began to change, she now had her mouth wide open as she gasped for air, and she was loosing her color.
However she continued to fight and hold on, at first we believed it was for my grandma but for some reason even with my grandma already there she didn’t seem like she wanted to go.
The nurse then said to me “It’s time, get your siblings together, you must say goodbye, her breathing has changed drastically.”
As I called my siblings closer, I could see the pain in their eyes.
Christopher only fifteen years old was angry and the tears he had been holding in came running down his face like a waterfall at full speed.
Kevin at eleven years old seemed to have it more together than most of us.
Without any tears he walked up to her and said “I love you so much mom. I’m going to be strong just like I promised you.”
My sister and I broke down and laid next to her.
Then the nurse said… “She is still fighting, I’ve never had a patient with such strenght to fight on. You guys must tell her it’s okay to let go.”

So that’s exactly what I did…
“Mommy, I know your worried, I can feel it. It’s okay to let go now, we are all here by your side and even if your worried, I promise I’m going to give it my all to take over and take the best care of everyone. I know your sad mommy, but you can count on me, I promise. Te quieto mucho mommy, y dios sabe que te voy a extrañar demasiado pero recuerda…
“Solo asta que nos volvamos a ver”
“Until we meet again”

Then only minutes later with everyone there in the room…
She opened her eye’s one last time, took a look around the entire room and took her last breathe as her eyes shut forever.

I thought I was ready but in just seconds I panicked, I broke down, and fell into a dizzy spell.

This was really it…
We lost the battle.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

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A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

Easter Morning…

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Easter morning and I wake up with chills, as I lay on the bed wishing you were here.
Easter has always been the holiday that brought you so much joy, because you loved the atmosphere there was in the world.
You always shared with me your thoughts and said…
“Today just seems to bring unity in families and you can’t help but feel blessed.”
Last year Easter was just so cold and blue, as it fell on the Sunday of April 20th only two days before twenthy two.
As you laid there on your death bed with the hospice nurse by your side, she told us to celebrate today like everything was fine.
But how could we enjoy the holiday you loved so much, if you were in pain no longer able to look at us or say much.
I remember just holding you as I tried not to cry, my body so tired with no sleep or food to give it life.
Easter Sunday last year was a day of unity and love, but filled with so much pain as we waited for god to take you in his arms.
I didn’t feel peace, nor did I feel blessed, as you’ve always made me feel in the past because I was losing my bestfriend.
Yet here I am almost a year later on Easter morning, laying in bed, listening to your favorite songs, and in between all the tears and the pain I some how feel blessed.
I guess it’s because, I can still feel your presence.

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-Kbeautifulmind

I miss you mommy.

This is all Me

You guys want to talk about me, tell people ya’ll don’t know about me.
Telling them that ya’ll don’t know if I could succeed, if I can control what my mom left to me.
But what you guys don’t know is that this is all me, raising them is all I have known since my brother was three.
When his father took off and it went all back on her, a warrior and hero that did all she could to make me believe.
Believe in my self and understand what this was, the struggles we lived and how we never had enough.
Enough to live up to the standards of the rest, remember when we were kids you guys were considered the best.
But now look at me and all I can be, don’t question what I’m doing if you ain’t helping me.
I got this don’t trip, she prepared me enough, she knew who to trust and I’m doing it with love.
Keep running your mouths and continue to doubt, for all your are doing is pumping me up to be the best there is now.
Don’t worry about us, we already have enough, and we will only get more as we rise up our empire and are no longer apart of the poor.
That’s when you will see that our angel is here, as she believes and knows exactly what we could be.
When we succeed I can’t wait to watch you all cringe.
Cringe from the negativity you tried to poison us with, because you didn’t want to believe.
-Kbeautifulmind

Dear momma

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Dear Momma,
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful?
Is it as nice as they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
or do you still get the privilege to see the beautiful moon and the stars at the end of the day?
Are you with your love ones and some of your friends?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
I sure hope so…
Here on earth everything’s different…
Things changed a lot since you been gone, but I’m sure your watching it all from above.
Life is pretty good for me, as a matter of fact I’m better than you left me, but it feels like everything good is missing since you left.
There’s an emptiness I just can’t explain.
I truly hope you’re doing great!
I hope you’re dancing in the sky and I hope you’re singing all of your favorite songs.
I hope your cooking all of your favorite foods and that everyone likes it just like we do.
I hope you’re laughing and having a blast.
I hope your days are filled with love and light and that you never stress or worry at all.
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived.
Tell me are you happy?
Are you more alive?
Because here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left, there’s an emptiness I just can’t explain.

Praying for your peaceful rest,
Your daughter.

-Kbeautifulmind

The sacrifice

I wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loved.
She took on a responsibility she never desired, as a matter of fact she was so careful in her own personal decisions just to never be in her shoes.
The struggles of her hero were the birth control she used in order to never fall in the same hole.
I wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loved.
She took on the responsibility that no one else wanted, if they only knew how many people told her no.
She had no choice but to leave them to her, she had no choice but to put her kids in her hands.
They both knew this would be hard, they both knew she’d lose and be the one to come in last.
But she asked her…
And she accepted.
She made a promise and as hard as it may get, she won’t break it.
I just wish they’d understand the sacrifice, a sacrifice she made for someone she loves.

-Kbeautifulmind

“I don’t know how you do it?”
 “How can you be okay after all you’ve been through?”

I do it because no one else is going to do it for me. Because if I desire happiness, if I desire peace in my heart and love I have to find it with in myself.

I’m okay because I have accepted life for what it is. Because I see the beauty in life and I’m grateful for being a live and for the chance god has gave me to breathe again. I’m okay simply because I still have the ability to dream, desire, want and feel.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and you can’t truly breathe love and happiness with out inhaling hurt and disappointment along with a little bit of chaos.

-kbeautifulmind

There is no “I” in TEAM.

I had to come out side to take a breather, things are so screwed up I can’t believe it.
So much screaming, so much fighting makes me feel like happiness is something…
sigh…
seems like we just won’t achieve it…
Everyone seems to blame the feeder, I’m selfish they say but they don’t see it.
To me they are just running away, to them they just can’t take it  momentarily.
What is that you ask?
It’s my selfishness.
If they could only see, how hard this is for me.
I’m not selfish, I just have a memory disorder and some sort of attention span developing because of all that is being put on me.
It feels like my brain is going at full speed, day by day, as it thinks everything through, and tries to figure everything out that I have to do.
I forget everything now in days, my planner gets it all even a reminder that asks “Have you even ate at all?”
The only selfish act I have going on is getting educated, because like the rest of you I feel that I deserve it.
I don’t want to let the hard times stop me from having a good future.
From having my OWN future, something to show for MY SELF.
And then you come along and say you have felt un attended for over two years?
Well how about not being able to breath since I got the news.
How do you think this feels? Watching the mom that raised you, the only parent that took care of you, slowly washing away in front of you!
Two years of hell all the doctors and nurses saying things I just couldn’t bare.
I’m surprised I didn’t loose my mind and then she died only to leave me here to find, find away to figure things out, to push my grieving aside and get it all worked out.
I didn’t get a break I had to move on and play the game.
Play the game of life, find a way for all of us to survive.
But your overwhelmed, you feel at the bottom of the barel?
I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it, and understand how?
Not once did I say step up to the plate, I never said it was YOU that had to take her place.
As people asked us if you were?
I’d respond and say “What? no! I got this on my own, he doesn’t have to…”
Because I do. I was raised by a warrior who told me, and prepared me for what I had to do.
Yes it was easier said then done but I’m doing it.
I never asked you to feed us, to take care of us, to do anything for us because I got us.
And not just us as in them and I but US as in you and I too! Yes you were a bit more attentive to me then I was with you but look at what I was living? Of course more then ever, I needed you.
But that doesn’t mean I was gone, a couple of slips, a couple of cold sholders, but I was still hanging on.
There by your side trying my best to give you my all.
My ALL that now had to be split into 8 slices of “Kelsey”
As the oldest I have to take care of three and adding my niece I was at four
Then came two jobs making it six
And don’t forget school
And you
It became eight, eight is a lot can’t you see?
But I didn’t give up, I didn’t run off, I took it all in and said I got it all!
So yes sometimes you were going to come last but sometimes you came first and they came last.
There had to be a rotation can’t you see, and yes in the end there was only one person that worried about me.
You worried about me, but that wasn’t my selfishness it was your caring heart and the love you had for me. It’s just what humans do when they care, because when your alone it’s “I” and when your with someone it’s “them”.
Sometimes it will feel like it’s more about “them” then “you” but someday you will need “them” more then ever too.
When you do, there “they” will be, because there is no “I” in TEAM.

Wishing you the best, thank you for everything you did for me…
and us;
Kbeautifulmind