Tag: Death

They say…

It’s been a couple of hard weeks for me. Since Easter morning I’ve been riding in a emotional roller coaster. They say time heals all wounds, but does it? 

To an extend we sure do hope it’s true, when you want to forget about something or someone. 

You break up with a significant other, lose a friend, or go through a traumatic event and as time passes it’s like “Oh, this is nice. I’m better.” 

Specially if they did something shitty to you then it’s like, “Wow! This is great, I can’t believe I was crying when it happened.” 

The memories slowly disappear and that person once again means nothing to you. 
But, when you lose someone you really love to death, time can be very dreadful. 

Losing my mother was hard, and it’s gotten easier to deal with but I don’t know if I could ever see the wound healing. 
My mom hated taking pictures, she was very shy and reserved and would just rather not be the center of attention. 

So, time passing with her being gone can be so scary. You feel like maybe you’ll forget them. Their isn’t no updated pictures, no more silly voice mails or text messages. You start feeling like you might be forgetting what their hugs, kisses, and voice felt or sounded like. You still remember them but it’s now at random and they still feel like they are there but it’s only sometimes… So you try. 

You try to pray to them, talk to them, and at night you even think about them with hope that they will visit you in your dreams. You even have moments where you think, “I’ve always been scared to see your spirit but it sure would be nice if this could happen now!” Just so you can get one more look at them, one more conversation, one more listen to their laugh. 

Letting go of someone who wasn’t good for you makes time passing a blessing. However, needing to accept that someone is gone that you weren’t ready to let go of is so dreadful. 

I miss her like crazy! 

I wish she was here to see all the shitty things that are happening and also all the awesome things that are happening. 

I miss her hugs and her hands running through my hair, when I asked her to help me get rid of me “head aches.” 

I miss her silly jokes and her wonderful words of advise with everything from school and life to even friendship and romance. 

I know she’s with me, but I could really use her presence in my life again. 

It’s just not the same since she’s left, and I think that no matter how much times passes, nothing could ever heal or fill that void I have in my heart. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

Please

Please

If I go while you’re still here…
Please know that I live on,
Do not stand by my grave and weep,
Please do not wish it was you instead of me.
You will not see me, but you must have faith.
Celebrate my life, smile for I am in a better place.
I’ve now joined all those who went before me,
Please remember that and find peace.
Laugh with each other as you remember all the good times,
for there were so many good and bad moments we were blessed to live together.
Send me away with lots of love,
I want you all to be happy,
Please remember that we will someday reunite.
And when you need me until then,
Please just whisper my name in your heart,
… I will be there…
Until we meet again.
-Kbeautifulmind

 

This poem was written for my “Fake” Funeral program I had to make for a class project. However I love it and had to share so that my family can have it incase someday I really go.

The other night…

I really believe that when some one passes away God gives them a pass sometimes to come back to earth when they are needed.

The signs we see, the things we run into, the dreams. 

They can’t just be concidense, can they? 

I truly don’t think so. 

Everyone always says, “They will always be with you.” and yeah you believe them to an extend but, it’s just not the same. 

You try so hard to believe that but, you find yourself looking for that person in other people. 

In your girl friends, in the mothers of others, and in everything you see and do. 

That little piece of your heart that’s now missing… is no where to be found. 

You look, you look, you try, and you try… 

But, nothing or anyone fills up that missing piece. 

The other night I realize, that no one will ever understand that. 

Specially not those who decide to be pitty and some how make your life about theirs. 

When someone that means so much to you passes away, not only does your life change or do you change… 

But, nothing will EVER be the same. 

And I have honestly discovered that this comes with good and bad. 

One good thing is that you are given a whole new pair of eyes. 

You learned to love and appreciate life, things, and most of all the people in your life. 

You find yourself telling those you love how much you love them constantly and even announcing it to the entire world. Not as a way of trying to be “annoying” or shove it in someone’s face… 

But, as a way of expressing yourself because you out of all people KNOW how short life truly is. 

The other night I realized that I shouldn’t be sorry for this. 

and… 

I also realized that, some people will never understand it. 

The other night I realized, that those we lose are truly always going to be there for us. 

I finally dreamed my mom after so long, and her words were as perfect as they’ve always been. 

“Don’t feel bad, there is nothing to be sorry for. Remember, God sees it all.” 

-Kbeautifulmind 

The test of love…

When it’s good, it’s good. 

Emotions are running with the both of you. 

You’re so happy, you promise her the moon and the stars. 

You tell her you’ll always be the one to protect her, and never leave her sight. 

But, that’s not love. 

The test of love comes in when, 

you know what upsets her and what brings her peace. 

You know how to define all the little things that bother her, and how you can make her happy.

You know how to be her escape and peace of mind. 

The test of love comes when, life tests you as a man during a storm. 

If you pass or fail is defined when…. 

You never leave her side and know how to get her back to safety… 

Or

If you run like a coward and forget all the promises you made to protect her. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

My Tradition

When I was ten years old my mother and I started a personal new years eve tradition.

I got the idea from a show, I had seen some episode where a lady wrote a letter to her future self every year on her birthday.

I figured it be something we can do together, so my mom and I chose New Years Eve.

Along with the red underwear, and the money under the shoe; My mom and I added a third tradition to our list.

We began by reading our letter we wrote the last New Year’s Eve a couple days before.

We gave each other a couple of days to reflect, then on New Year’s Eve we wrote a new one Titling it “Open in (enter new year here)”

I knew where my mom kept hers last year so I had to open both hers and mines right before 2015 rang in.

My mom like always was such a positive soul, as she hoped that the new year didn’t bring her death.

Unfortunately, it did not workout that way. God needed another angel and her work here on earth was done.

I read both of our letters and continued my tradition on my own.

A couple of days ago I read my letter where I held my New Year resolutions, words of advise, and a couple of “To-do’s” and “Not to-do’s.”

One of my favorites were:

“Let other’s speak”

I tend to get excited when I am having a interesting conversation and I cut people off (not on purpose though.)

“Be careful who you trust”

I tend to have the issue of trusting just anyone and can sometimes put myself in danger do to this but, that has definitely changed.

“Don’t give up on love, continue to believe in it but don’t be an idiot either.”

That last one was funny!

I tend to have such a naive heart at times. I always want to see the good in everyone.

Anyway, I found to discover that I achieved almost all of my New Year resolutions, I followed most of my words of advise and for the most part most of my to-do’s and not to-do’s. But, most importantly I lived this year. I discovered myself, I enjoyed the moments, and I learned to accept and let go when I had no control over the situation.

I’m really excited to see how much I have accomplished and will be accomplishing in 2016.

My blog has also succeeded tremendously and I’d like to thank all my readers and supporters for that!

Thank you all!

-Kbeautifulmind

December hasn’t changed…

December hasn’t changed, it all still looks the same.
They still light the trees, and there is Christmas music everywhere.
There’s red, white, and green shining in every corner, and the people still look “crazier than ever.”
But, I wish you were here…
And I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like?
Here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left.
It all looks the same, nothing has changed but, there’s an emptiness.
The spirit is there, it just doesn’t feel as strong and my joy varies depending on the day.
They still make midnight mass as beautiful as ever, and the choir sounds magnificent just as you’d remember.
But, I wish you were here…
And I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like?
I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir, and enjoying the presence of our dear lord saviors child.
I’ll bet you’re enjoying Christmas carols with your friends and father.
and I’m sure you decorated a fabulous tree, and made a pretty mean feast.
December hasn’t changed, it all still looks the same.
But, I wish you were here…
And I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like?
-Kbeautifulmind

image

(My mom’s last Christmas 2013)

Death is such a difficult thing to deal with in this life.
It’s not the ones who go that need prayer, it’s the ones who stay.
There is nothing worse than having so many good memories with someone and realizing you won’t be able to make anymore together.
No matter how much time passes, you miss them even more.
They say time heals all and it does heal most temporary pains but, death just isn’t one of them.
Even in many years from now when it will be the 10th Christmas without her instead of the 2nd…
Even after multiple holidays, birthdays, special occasions, and many single moments of excitement…
No matter how much time passes,
it will always feel like the bandaid covering the wound was ripped right off making you bleed again.
I guess you never actually stop grieving, you just learn to accept and deal with it.
-Kbeautifulmind