Do you understand me?

Do you understand me?

Do you know the pain I hold inside?

Taken advantage of, my childhood destroyed.

Life came along, and robbed me of all I’ve ever loved.

In several ways I could have went out, too many to count.

I was a fool, but I couldn’t seem to figure me out.

I couldn’t figure life out, suffocating in the pain and the substances is all I knew.

Do you understand me?

_________________

I don’t understand you.

No one ever will.

Because only you know what you’ve felt.

And what you have dealt with, you’ve never shared it.

I see your sorrow though, and I can feel it.

I see your pain, and where they’ve robbed you.

I see what life has done to you.

I know you’re lost, I see your hurt, I know that I can get a call and just like that you’ll be gone.

I don’t understand you,

but I feel for you…

because I see you.

-Kbeautifulmind

De un lugar 

Me siento nostalgia, de un lugar que ni estoy segura si existe? Tengo un sufrimiento que no se ni de que es, ni de que se trata; solo sé que aquí permanece… extrañando la felicidad de ese lugar. 

Uno donde mi corazón está lleno, mi cuerpo y único ser es amado, mi personalidad es apreciada y entendida, y donde mi alma se siente entera. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

My book is now available to order… and I might barf…

At exactly 10:49pm I opened up the email that stated the proof of my book had been approved by create space. 😱

Ladies and Gentlemen… my first book is now up for sale! 🤷🏻‍♀️

 I don’t know what to think, I honestly feel like I need to barf (tmi) BUT really… 🤢

I wrote it and self published it, and it’s something so intimate and personal that I don’t know what it will represent… 😳 

But, I’m proud and I’m ready! 💁🏻💖

Get your copy at: https://www.createspace.com/6684982

#yupthereitis #firstbook #getyourcopy #intimacytopublicity #yasearmó #selfpublishing #selfpublished #checkoutmyblog #kbeautifulmind #twoyearslater

1095


I lay here and look over at the box.

The pretty, pretty box you most definitely would have loved.

You didn’t pick it out, but I knew when I saw it that the colors, the shape, and the image imprinted represented the perfect place for your ashes to rest.

I look at the picture of us on the wall to the right of the box.

What I’d give to have you here again.

I close my eyes, tears begin to run down…

I allow the moment to take me back to that day.

I remember the garden like it was yesterday, the leaves were beginning to fall off from many of the trees.

The oranges we picked were so delighting to taste.

The wind was the perfect breeze, it was a chilly day but the sun was shinning and it helped keep us warm enough.

The laughs, the annoyance with the boys not wanting to take pictures anymore, and the shit talking we all did to each other.

“Just like super models…” said the photographer, and we gave each other a funny face and laughed.

You with that shy smile, and me with my perky giggle.

I miss you.

I miss bugging you for pictures.

I miss your laughter.

Your shy smile.

Your ridiculous jokes.

I miss your accent.

I miss your shit talking.

“Why you smile? Is not funny!”

I miss it all.

I miss taking care of you.

I wish I would have done it sooner, better.

Heck, I even miss rubbing your feet one thing I dreaded growing up…

“Mom, again!”

“Please, I am tired, I had a long day.”

“Ugh, fine but just FIVE minutes.”

I even miss fighting with you.

I want to fight with you.

Instead of fighting with them…

I want to fight with you.

Instead of fighting to making it through this…

I rather be fighting with you, instead of fighting myself to hold on.

1095 days. 1095 days since you been gone, and I’d give anything even just to fight with you again.

-Kbeautifulmind


This town looks the same, December’s still considered the best of times. 

Nothing has changed, they still light up the tree on Myrtle Ave. with many lights and the carolers still sing on Friday nights. 

The streets in town are filled with decore, just like they’ve always been filled before.  

Your favorite house still lights up so bright, and Santa still drives around town sharing his Christmas spirit with all the children at night. 

This town looks the same, December’s still considered the best of times. 

Yet, to me this holiday is just another cold winter night.

Christmas films are no longer enchanting and even though it’s that time of the year…

I don’t feel the cheer even with music, tamales, and family near.

Where did the magic go? 

I desire to know…

Because, I don’t feel the spirit anymore…

This town looks the same, December’s still considered the best of times.

It’s just not the same without you here.

-Kbeautifulmind 

“I’m so proud of you”

“Congratulations on all your great efforts and accomplishments… I’m so proud of you. I’ve always believed in you girls…”

“I am a changed man,” he said…
“I’d like to apologize for anything I might have said…
I’d like to apologize “if” at any time, I hurt you, girls…”

Oh shit, I am really reading this…
even after all these years you dare to say “If”?

“I am a changed man,” he said…

Oh, you changed? Is that suppose to mean something to me, is that what you’re saying?

Let me back track to my childhood for a bit…
Forget it, I’ve let that rest.

Let me back track to age fifteen… When I believed that “maybe” you deserved a chance…
Forget it, I’ve let that rest.

Let me back track to my freshmen year in college… “You’re dumb, you’ll never amount to anything… the day you die… I’m going to thank god for it.”
Forget it, I’ve forgiven you and also let that rest.

Let me back track to a couple years ago…

You said my mom deserved the sickness she was given, yet she was the one who raised us while she was living…
How does such a warrior deserve such sickness?
Even though I’ve accepted that was her journey, I still have moments when I can’t seem to understand or believe it.
Why is it that the one that did what was right, deserved to go, and the bastard that showed us nothing but hate and violence, deserved more?

And who made you the superior to speak such words?

With time I learned that your words were nothing but words, coming from an ill man who’s own childhood had brought him to this mindset of urge.
The urge to hurt those around him and destroy…
I feel sorry for you, I do. Yet, this is still not a good enough excuse.

So many times I wish you would have been there, and when I grew up I realize how blessed I was to not be so privileged.

Yet, here you are “proud and all” what an “honor”…
Do you really think somehow you deserve to be loved by your daughters?

Do you think you have the right to be proud of MY accomplishments?

“You guys are my only ones always forever?”

Only ones? 26 years later?

I think you must have forgotten, mom was the only one there, you were a no-show…
She worked to die, we never saw her…
But she had to be tough because you weren’t man enough.

Why don’t you do us both a favor and pretend we are dead too.

“I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, you guys will never be dead to me or will stop being my beautiful daughters. Because the day you two were born marks the day that you will forever be my daughters and I will wait forever with open arms…”

Ooohhh, now your arms are open?
I guess you didn’t know that your little girl would grow up to be so strong, so capable, so accomplished, or so admirable

They say be careful with the things you say, because once you say them you can’t take them back.

Let me back track…
“You’re dumb, you’ll never amount to anything…”
Forget it, I’ve let it rest.

You say you’re proud?
Well, sit back, because I am just getting started.

-Kbeautifulmind

The letter…


I have a bucket list. A list with things I’d like to do and accomplish before I die. I’ve had this list since I was young and it’s slowly build up to a longer list as I have gotten older. One of the things on my list was to make a difference in a strangers life whom I’ve barely know. Today I can finally check that off my list. After my moms death I’ve received nothing but positive words from all my friends, family, and loved ones. They have seen me struggle, they have seen me cry, they have seen me laugh, and even scream. Therefore they constantly tell me how admiring my strength is and their words continue to be a blessing in my life when times get rough. However, they know me therefore it’s a little bit normal coming from them. 

Today I received a letter as I was leaving class this morning. This random girl came up to me and told me ” Hey! I know we don’t really know each other but, I know your mom’s anniversary just passed and I wanted to give you and your family a little something. There is a letter in the envelope and it explains it all.” I was definitely caught off guard, and I knew the class knew about my mother’s anniversary because the class is about “death and dying,” so my professor had asked me a while back ago to share my story with them. But when I open this letter, I was left speechless with what I was reading! 

The girl stated in the letter that she had been in my class two years ago when my mother passed away. She overheard me telling the professor what had happened and why I had missed class. She said she went home that night crying, she hugged her mother and told her how much she loved her and appreciated her. Since then she stated that throughout my two years at CSUDH I have been her motivation and inspiration. She told me she appreciated me, and in her words “You have changed my life.” There is so much more to the letter, but the point is I’ve accomplished something so beautiful. 

I’ve always had a passion for loving and helping others, I truly believe this is my purpose in this world. 

I love the field I’m studying, and I can’t wait to get out there and continue to do what I did for this random stranger. 

This letter left me with many emotions, it brought me to tears as I thought of my mom and all that has happened. But, it also brought a smile amongst my face as I realized what a difference I have made in the life of a total stranger without even realizing it. 

I truly believe that this is what life is about! These are the moments that make the bad times in life easier to deal with. This is what we are here for, to leave our mark and be remembered for the wonderful things that we did… Not just accomplished ourselves but also what we did for others. 

This is why I WRITE. 

This is why I let go of my privacy and share my life stories and thoughts, with so many people and total strangers. 

This is it, I believe that this is what I am here for. 🙌🏻😊 

-Kbeautifulmind 

Until we meet again. 

“I think the hardest part of losing someone isn’t trying to say goodbye, it’s learning how to live without them that’s so unfavorable.” -Kbeautifulmind   
I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to my best friend from the moment they told us the cancer was terminal and every moment after that as we fought to pro long her life. 

Every doctors appointment, every ER visit, every chemo therapy, radiation therapy, and every sleepless night. I knew it. She tried to prepare me, she really did. 

For the most part I would always cry, but I was calm because she taught me to accept it through her peaceful and graceful way of facing it. 

She was one hell of a warrior! People think or say I’m strong, pphheewww they have no idea what strength is. She was like unstoppable! 

When the night of the 22nd hit, my life felt like it was crumbling at my feet and unfortunately those feelings comes back every once in a while and at random times. At night, in the car, at work, while cooking, in the shower, just at random. It’s painful every time, and at times even a bit frustrating. 

Any memory done with out her reminds me that she should be here and all the ones remembered with her break my heart that those were it. 

It’s like someone ripping off the bandaid again and reminding you that the wound is still there. I miss her like freaken crazy, and I told her it wouldn’t be easy…

“No matter how much you prepare me, the day you go it won’t be easy. When will I see you again? Talk to you? Hug you? When mom!?” 

And she said to me calm with grace in her voice; “Until we meet again…. That’s when.” 🐘💕 
So until then, I live. 

I live for her. 

At times in tears, fear, and plenty of stress. However, I live in strength, grace, and as resilient as possible just like she raised me. 

Until the day comes, that we finally meet again. 

-Kbeautifulmind