Tag: Cancer

The Goodbye

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A year ago today, my loving, caring, helpful and beautiful mother left this earth.

I’ll never forget the pain I felt on that night.
The nurse had said she wouldn’t make it through the night on April 21st.
Yet we kept asking her to please hold on, as her mother was now on her way.
The day of her death was filled with anxiety and fear.
You see, being the stuborn and independent woman my mom was she had requested for my grandma not to know the truth about her cancer.
However it was now too late, and my grandma was on her way to California with out knowing why my mom was truly leaving us.
My grandma arrived about two hours before my mom passed.
She began to ask “Why won’t she wake up?”
Her kids would tell her “She’s really sick mom, we must let her rest.”
Then she said “Wake up mija, look it’s me your mom, I have arrived to see you. Let me put this ointment on you mija. Please get up, I know it will help you feel better.”
I began to cry, it was so painful to see my beautiful grandma in so much pain and confusion.
So she looked at me with tears in my eyes and said, “She isn’t going to wake up, is she?”
Her kids answered and said “She’s going to be okay mom, she just needs to rest…”
all you heard after that was the broken words of a heart broken mother.

“Stop! Stop lying to me. I am her mother, I KNOW.”

The rest of the time we prayed, we sung, and we cried. One by one everyone began to say their goodbyes and whisper what they needed to say into her ear.
Her siblings called from Mexico and one by one with the phone to my mom’s ear they also had the chance to tell her what they wanted.
Her breathing slowly began to change, she now had her mouth wide open as she gasped for air, and she was loosing her color.
However she continued to fight and hold on, at first we believed it was for my grandma but for some reason even with my grandma already there she didn’t seem like she wanted to go.
The nurse then said to me “It’s time, get your siblings together, you must say goodbye, her breathing has changed drastically.”
As I called my siblings closer, I could see the pain in their eyes.
Christopher only fifteen years old was angry and the tears he had been holding in came running down his face like a waterfall at full speed.
Kevin at eleven years old seemed to have it more together than most of us.
Without any tears he walked up to her and said “I love you so much mom. I’m going to be strong just like I promised you.”
My sister and I broke down and laid next to her.
Then the nurse said… “She is still fighting, I’ve never had a patient with such strenght to fight on. You guys must tell her it’s okay to let go.”

So that’s exactly what I did…
“Mommy, I know your worried, I can feel it. It’s okay to let go now, we are all here by your side and even if your worried, I promise I’m going to give it my all to take over and take the best care of everyone. I know your sad mommy, but you can count on me, I promise. Te quieto mucho mommy, y dios sabe que te voy a extrañar demasiado pero recuerda…
“Solo asta que nos volvamos a ver”
“Until we meet again”

Then only minutes later with everyone there in the room…
She opened her eye’s one last time, took a look around the entire room and took her last breathe as her eyes shut forever.

I thought I was ready but in just seconds I panicked, I broke down, and fell into a dizzy spell.

This was really it…
We lost the battle.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day two of our Goodbye

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On a sad cloudy morning like today, a year ago is when I realized I had to accept it, and let her go. Yet the pain only felt deeper than when I got the news the night before.
I had dozed off on the bed next to her, when I woke up to her moan, it was a moan that said “I am in serious pain.”
I remember seeing my aunt helping the nurse move her a bit and my reaction came with some anger, “What are you guys doing to her!?” I yelled.
The nurse responded, “Honey, we have to clean her up and change her.”
My mom did not want to be moved or touched at all, she continued to moan with frustration and I could see the tears in my aunts eyes as she also suffered to see her in this pain.
I rememeber thinking…
“This is sssooo not what she wanted!”

My mother was what we would call a “Independent Warrior”:
She fought for what she believed in, even if she stood alone.
She’d do anything for those she loved, even if it meant starving herself to feed them.
She made it clear she needed no one or their approval to get what she wanted.

She was a single mom for most of her life, except when she was married to my step dad but even then she never depended on him or anyone to get things done.
She never got government help to raise us, she never told family to pick us up when we were down (even though they constantly offered) and some how she always found the resources, time and energy to get us through EVERYTHING and still help others.
On those last three days, our little place was filled with so many people.
Some I didn’t even know but they knew of me, and every single one of them started their stories with:

“Your mom HELPED me…”

The day of her viewing we had only ordered 250 memorial cards and we ran out.
The days were such a blur for me, but what I did know for sure is that there was over 250 people who attended.

I rememeber a lady crying as she looked at my mom and said, “No god, why these beautiful hands? Why this beautiful lady that always gave me a helping hand.”

So as I watched her moan, I knew she was upset.
I knew she was not happy to be leaving this earth not being able to do anything for herself.
Then the nurse said,
“Is her mom (my grandma) on her way? I don’t think she’ll make it through the night, she is no longer releasing body waist.”
The tears came running down as I held her hand, I had finally accepted it, but I still couldn’t understand why God was taking the most important person in my life from me.
A couple minutes later my little brother Kevin came walking in the room.
I could see the confusion and the pain in that 11 year olds face as he tried to hide it and be “strong”
He said “Why was mommy making that noise, is she okay? and Why are you crying agggaaiiinnnn…”
I didn’t need to answer, as Kevin got close to her and held her hand a tear started running down her face.
She was in pain,
And maybe not just in pain from the Cancer, she was in pain because she also knew it would soon be time for her to go and it was killing her to be leaving her children all alone.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

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A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

Dear momma

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Dear Momma,
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful?
Is it as nice as they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
or do you still get the privilege to see the beautiful moon and the stars at the end of the day?
Are you with your love ones and some of your friends?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
I sure hope so…
Here on earth everything’s different…
Things changed a lot since you been gone, but I’m sure your watching it all from above.
Life is pretty good for me, as a matter of fact I’m better than you left me, but it feels like everything good is missing since you left.
There’s an emptiness I just can’t explain.
I truly hope you’re doing great!
I hope you’re dancing in the sky and I hope you’re singing all of your favorite songs.
I hope your cooking all of your favorite foods and that everyone likes it just like we do.
I hope you’re laughing and having a blast.
I hope your days are filled with love and light and that you never stress or worry at all.
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived.
Tell me are you happy?
Are you more alive?
Because here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left, there’s an emptiness I just can’t explain.

Praying for your peaceful rest,
Your daughter.

-Kbeautifulmind

To think I was tired…

Exactly a year ago this picture was taken.

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To think I was tired.
Tired of sleeping in cold hospital chairs.
Tired of sleeping with fear as I constantly woke up to look next to me in bed and make sure you were still breathing.
Tired of watching you moan with pain and sob with fear.
Tired of watching the woman I’ve always seen struggle for her kids, now struggle as she fought for her life.
Tired of seeing the strongest woman I ever knew get deteriorated by and ugly disease that made her weak.
Tired, I was tired of watching you slowly wash away in front of me, knowing there was nothing I could do.
I was tired, but as hard as time was then, I’d go back in the blink of an eye.
Because even though It has gotten easier….
Today Im tired, tired of missing you and waking up to a stoned box that is very beautiful but can’t hug back.
Tired of waking up to silence because it doesn’t tell me “Buenos dias huevona”
Tired of crying to it knowing it can’t talk back when I need you.
Today marks 10 months since you been gone and I know its selfish and you are in a better place but Im tired of missing you and I wish you were here, even if we were still fighting this battle.
I hope the angels know what they have momma, because I really miss you.

Kbeautifulmind

“I don’t know how you do it?”
 “How can you be okay after all you’ve been through?”

I do it because no one else is going to do it for me. Because if I desire happiness, if I desire peace in my heart and love I have to find it with in myself.

I’m okay because I have accepted life for what it is. Because I see the beauty in life and I’m grateful for being a live and for the chance god has gave me to breathe again. I’m okay simply because I still have the ability to dream, desire, want and feel.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and you can’t truly breathe love and happiness with out inhaling hurt and disappointment along with a little bit of chaos.

-kbeautifulmind

Pain…

It’s Friday night and well most of my friend’s are in some kind of relationship, so if they are with their significant others I pretty much have nothing to do… lol.

There for I’m sitting on my little red couch, watching “The Fault in our Stars” knowing I’m going to cry but eeeehhh what the hell right?

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As I sit here and watch this movie with that sappy feeling in my body because of such cute romance between these two young kids who through cancer have learned to live and enjoy every minute of life even if they are not always happy or even if it is not always easy.
I began to think about the first time I fell in love, and the second time I fell in love and all the beautiful moments and promises made and I can’t help but smile at the memories.

I think about love and I can’t help but wonder…

“If love works the way they say it does and we all get a soul mate and our other half’s are out there somewhere, then it actually must be worth it in the end, right?”

What exactly?

Well the pain, if pain is meant to be felt then it has to be worth something right?
Pain, according to the dictionary…
pain
pān/Submit
noun
1.
physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
“she’s in great pain”
synonyms: suffering, agony, torture, torment, discomfort More
ache, aching, soreness, throb, throbbing, sting, stinging, twinge, shooting pain, stab, pang, cramps;
discomfort, irritation, tenderness
mental suffering or distress.
“the pain of loss”
synonyms: sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, unhappiness, distress, desolation, misery, wretchedness, despair; More
informal
an annoying or tedious person or thing.
noun: pain in the neck; plural noun: pains in the neck
“she’s a pain”
2.
careful effort; great care or trouble.
“she took pains to see that everyone ate well”
synonyms: care, effort, bother, trouble
“he took great pains to hide his feelings”
verb
verb: pain; 3rd person present: pains; past tense: pained; past participle: pained; gerund or present participle: paining
1.
cause mental or physical pain to.
“it pains me to say this”
synonyms: hurt, cause pain, be painful, be sore, be tender, ache, throb, sting, twinge, cause discomfort; More

So that is pain, it’s something that just hurts weather it’s physical, emotional, or just plain makes no sense and you don’t know where it’s coming from it’s just something that hurts but we all have to try and learn to live with it.

So let me ask you again…
If pain is meant to be felt with the chance that something beautiful will come out of it in the end or at the chance you took to experience something beautiful that brought you pain later then it just HAS to be worth it, right?

Well of course it is…
I say it is!

I mean I’m just a twenty-four year old gal who sits at home on her red couch on a Friday night watching sappy movies that she knows are going to make her cry a waterfall…

But I am also a gal that has been through alot and as a personal victim of a cancer scare myself and someone who lived a hard childhood with bull shit after bull shit and then lost her Best Friend to Cancer it’s self…

I say the pain is totally worth it!
I say that who cares if your heart gets broken again and again and again, and yes death might take some people before you and make you experience the worst pain of them all, and yes other life situations might even add more to the pain but it’s totally worth it.

It’s worth the memories, it’s worth the laughs, it’s worth the meaningful hugs, the long lasting kisses, it’s worth the moments that feel like the whole world has stopped in that moment of happiness, its worth the beautiful pictures we take of all these moments and it’s definitely worth that moment when love takes over your body and soul and gives you those butterflies that make the pain of life go away, even if it’s not forever.

Pain is meant to be felt, and you sadly don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world but in the end it’s truly worth it.
It’s painful but worthy because it was the end of something that was once so beautiful and meaningful to YOU.

Okay?
-Kbeautifulmind

November is…

November is Lung Cancer Awarness month.

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No, it’s not pink or sexy. It doesn’t involve boobs or football players, cute t-shirts or catch phrases, and definetly doesn’t sell millions of dollars of merchandise with it’s propaganda.
It’s about being grateful that you or your loved ones can breathe with out a struggle.
It’s about knowing you don’t need to go to chemotherapy once a week, followed my radiation on the same week knowing that this “might” only prolong your life by a couple of months.
It’s about not having to live like you are dying, for a lung cancer victim knows there is nothing that can kill this disease in their body.
It’s about being thankful that you can do almost ANYTHING you want because you don’t have to take things slow since just a couple of steps don’t make you short of breath.
It’s about being able to enhale and exhale without feeling all this liquid in your lungs choking you up.
It’s about appreciating the fact that you can sleep peacefully without fearing that you might not wake up the next morning.
It’s about being grateful that you do not have the number one killing cancer with in women and men today.
It’s about knowing that you are not a victim of this killer disease with only a 40% chance of living up to four years after being diagnosed.
It’s about being aware of how serious this disease is in our society today.
Because…
November is Lung Cancer Awarness Month.
In loving Memory of…

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               Maricela Arellano Lopez
               07/12/1967- 04/22/2014

I miss you momma,
Kbeautifulmind

Dear God

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Dear God,
Her all time favorite color is pink, she wears it with anything. She really loves her soccer, just remember there is no other team like Mexico for her. She love’s roses, those are her favorite flowers. She loves her novelas, I hope you have T.V up there? She needs to have some chocolate at least every once in a while because her sweet tooth is rediculous. I also hope heaven has coconut because she can’t live with out her coconut popsicles. She makes a delicious aros con leche! I wish I would have got that recipe!? She really loves the holidays, every single one! Especially Easter which is probably why she went to heaven around that time… Along with holiday’s comes all her yummy cooking and those delicious Tamales! Just provide her with a big kitchen and she’ll get to it!
She’s a sucker for romance, especially romantic music. She loves Los Rieleros Del Norte, please make sure their songs are always playing. Now that we mentioned playing, do you believe in gaming? She’s obsessed with Candy Crush, you have to let her play it!
She suffered so much pain down here that all she deserves up there is happiness. She always lived with a strong faith in you, I hope you know she never lost it, because she really loves you.
God…
I’m sure you know it has been 6 month’s since you took her from me and I just want to ask that you please make sure she’s happy.
I pray all her worries and pain are gone.
Oh god, I really, really hope she’s happy, because her happiness is the only thing that keeps me sane since missing someone so special can cause you to go insane.
Tell her that I love her so much and that life here is not the same. Ask her if she’s proud of me and if I’m doing things the right way?
Sincerely;
Your broken child, missing her mother.
Kbeautifulmind

I am a Single Mother

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In only a couple of days it will be 5 months since my mom has passed. I miss her like crazy everyday and every minute. I wish I could still come home and see her face and hear her voice but I can’t.
I was hoping that since she’d passed I’d be able to avoid hospitals for a while. However I’ve been to three different one’s since. Methodist our near home hospital which I am already familiar with because my mom spend 2 years in and out of there. Huntington Hospital in Pasadena where my sister ended up after being hit by a car (yes unfortunately the bitch is still running loose, I don’t know what is taking so long). Then there is also The children’s hospital of Los Angeles where I now know my way around because my brother has been here since Sunday. If any of you readers care, we are ALL OKAY no need to worry.
I still wish we had never made it to these places anyway. Everything about hospitals creeps me out now. The hallways, elivators, the beds, and the cold feeling you get no matter the temperature outside (102° by the way) and of course that sad feeling you get that you are not here for your mom anymore. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like my body and heart get this hope that they might see her again for a couple of minutes until my mind has to calm it down and say “sorry but she will not be here”.
What really brought me back to reality was when I was filling out the forms for my brothers admittion into the hospital and the man asked me “Are you a single mother or are you married?”
I answered with confusion on my face…
“Ummm, I am his sister”
and he said to me…
“Well of course, but the mother is deceased now and you are his guardian so are you a single mother or are you married?”
And with an empty feeling in my heart I answered “I am a single mother”
I walked out of there almost devistated. Not because I was raising my siblings or anything but because I never thought of it that way, until him. I was now something I never wanted to be. I was now a “Single Mother”. I knew it wasn’t by choice but I began to sort of freak out thinking of all I struggled along  side of my single mother and wondered what would happen if I’d also fall in the future causing my siblings to struggle too?
I never could had imagined my life like this, I had a plan and it was destroyed and re written for me. And even though it saddened me and stressed me a lot I told myself as I walked back into my brothers hospital room, “You are a single mother now! Who was raised by one of the warriors of single mothers… You can do this!”
I went from negative to positive in only seconds but my brain was again smacking me out of it saying…
“You got this!”

Feeling positive and trying to stay strong;
Kbeautifulmind