Airplane

I am currently on a plane on my way back to California. For the most part I had a good time but my siblings can bring a little too much stress into my life sometimes. I think this moment right here is the most relaxing moment I’ve had yet… I traded seats with my sister so she is sitting with the boys and I am in the middle of two strangers. One is a young girl reading a book and another is an older lady that seems like she can not wait to arrive. I watched “The Vow” for most of the ride (it gets me every time) and I read about 3 chapters of my e-book. My head hurts a little (probably because of the reading and I totally need glasses). So now I am sitting here listening to country and just relaxing.
I have to admit relaxing gets me thinking, not always a good thing. I began to think about the movie and how it all worked out for that couple and I began to think about my own life…
What if one day I lost some of my memory? What would I remember and what would I forget? Would I be different? Have I ever been different?
I guess I wouldn’t know unless it happened (let’s pray not)
But I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like.
Then I began to wonder if I’d remember that my mom has passed and if I’d wake up calling for her?
She was suppose to be on this trip…
If she was she’d most likely be sitting next to me… sleeping. That’s for sure!
Man how nice would that be, to have her here, even if she was just sleeping.
I’m beginning to feel my heart get heavy as I hold the heart on my neck with her ashes in it.

I miss her…. like crazy!

Preparing for landing;
Kbeautifulmind

Happy Birthday up in Heaven

Happy Birthday up in Heaven
from your children here on earth.
We love you and We miss you,
and want to let you know…

Your birthdays aren’t forgotten.
and your memory yet lives on.
We your children will celebrate your life with us even though you’ve gone.

If God were to grant us just one wish,
then make that wish come true,
you’d be here right beside us
and we’d spend this special day with you.

And while here for your birthday
you would be so hugged and kissed
that you would know before you go
how much you’re loved and missed.

We hope that you enjoy yourself and are smiling from up above. And that you have a big ol’ cake with lots of strawberries on top.

We hope that you are proud very happy and stress free, that you are looking at us and are delighted with what you see.

Happy 47th Birthday Mommy we love you and miss you so darn much.

Wishing you were here;
Kbeautifulmind

F-a-t-h-e-r

Last night…

I had the most interesting dream.

In it, I was six years old…

in a national spelling bee.

Feeling like a genius as I spelled complex words….

duodenum….

serendipity…..

floccinaucinihilipilification….

up until the final round

one word between me and victory

the spell master clears his throat

young lady your word is father

the crowd began to chatter amongst themselves

seemingly displeased

at the simplicity of this final word

I searched for those eyes

those eyes that say

“every things going to be ok, just do it”

And there she was, as beautiful as always…

I dazed off

young lady!

your word is father

I stood up straight, looked at her and began

father, m-o-t-h-e-r, father…

the spell master looks at me,

down at his flash card,

back up at me,

“sorry but you are incorrect”

I don’t understand…

My father is sitting right in the audience

“excuse me?”

“I am sorry young lady but you are incorrect”

well then,

you can save your sorry apologies

because you must mean “in-correct”

as in within the parameters of being right.

let me explain something to you

cuz obviously you did not grow up

where “father’s” are donors

just a human being who donates the soil to make the seed grow

and when he’s gone

all he’s left us

was alone

where minstrel men stroll around off sight

while fathers balanced their menstrual,

3 jobs,

4 kids

and a life

on a unicycle

and it looks something like this:

breastfeeding on one arm

phone on the shoulder

cooking with the other arm

cleaning with one leg

tying sneakers with their teeth

young fathers

who make mistakes to think that love lived in their place, before he left

But we are not all perfect and they learned to live

And the one mistake they never make

is abandoning their seeds

you see fathers

are master gardeners

they tend to every leaf

removing the weeds

placing us in the windows of opportunity

so that we can lean towards the sun

and never forget that the sky is the limit

planting kisses on our cheeks

hugs on our backs

growing their love on us

the best way they know how

like my father

my father, sacrificed owning nothing,

so that I may have everything

my father, walked a daily nightmare

so that I may live out my dreams

my father watered me

with blood sweat and tears

so that I may be ripe

for the harvest

and I hope that one day

I can grow up to be as great a father

as she was for me

you did not ask me to spell deadbeat sir…

but if you want dead beat here it is:

f-a-t-h-e-r,
d-a-d,
d-a-d-d-y,
p-o-p,
p-o-p-s,
if you want the slang

And if you want an actual name…

F-r-a-n-k

you asked me to spell father

and father is, and always has been,

and always will be spelled…

m-o-t-h-e-r

so get your encyclopedias,

show me your flash cards

open your dictionary

cuz what webster says

means nothing around here

around here,

my father is sitting right there…

and I love her.

Because with out my father, with out her, I wouldn’t be standing here in front of you today.

Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful, wonder woman who is now in Heaven watching over me♡

I love you momma 🙂

Kbeautifulmind

-This entire poem did not originate with me, it is a remake of a poem I once heard.
Thank you for reading…

What’s with the miggit?

There is only a couple of people I’ve ever known in my life that like me actually believe that the dreams we have mean something, or are trying to tell us something.
Those people are my friend Dawnn, my uncle Luis and my mom. My mom believed it almost religiously and she was so good at telling you exactly what your dream ment and what you were suppose to get out of it. My uncle and mom had that same gift, I call it a gift because some of the stuff my mom would dream were really clear warnings of something in the future. I swear god put her in this world as a messenger and an angel here to help others. Everyone of her friends including my friend Dawnn would go to her to ask about their dreams. And she was always right.
I got in a big accident back in 2009 and she knew about it like a week before, she didn’t know it be that bad but she kept dreaming stuff that pretty much told her I would be in an accident… weird right?

Since my mom has passed I been really jealous of all other people who have gotten the chance to dream, see and even feel her. I haven’t been as lucky like all of her close friends and my siblings. I have no idea why? My friend told me “Maybe she doesn’t think you are ready yet” and maybe she is right, but I still was jealous of everyone else.

Then the other night I finally felt her in my dream, but unfortunately I didn’t get to see her.

Instead it was a dream I probably would have been very scared of, except that I actually felt her which made it not so scary. It was the weirdest dream ever!

It was a few days before my boyfriend graduated from school, I dreamed that he was telling me that he was not going to graduate because of his hair style, the school was just not allowing it.

So I left the room which was apparently “our” room and I went to go ask someone that was in the room next door “Why can’t he graduate wit his hair style?”

Anyway long story short when I left that room I was walking into my living room to make sure the doors were locked and a miggit popped out of the corner by the door to hug me! Yes you read right a miggit! A little tini person!

If you know me well you know I am scared of little people. No I don’t act rude or scream like a nut job when I see one but I do begin to feel like I am hyperventilating when I am close to one and I have to tell myself to relax.
Why you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA!
Yes, I know they are human too and that there is no reason to be afraid of them but I am terrified! And I am so sorry for that if you are smaller then 4 feet and are thinking “RUDE” I promise I don’t mean no harm, I just get nervous and scared when I see a super small human being.

Anyway back to my dream…

So the miggit popped out of the corner and hugged my legs very very tight, then dropped me to the grown still holding me and that’s when I saw my little brothers face with a little bit of my mom’s face and I asked it…

“Mom is that you?”

And it nodded “Yes!”
My blood pressure began to rise as I wanted to freak out but was also very excited! I grabbed it’s face and mouth and kept saying “Mom is that really you? Say something to me! Talk to me!”

It just stared at me with its mouth wide open, just like my mom looked when she was on her last 3 days as she was gasping for air…

I began to get scared because “it” wouldn’t talk and I said…
“Mom! I’m so sorry! Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Am I making you proud?”

And after every question “it” looked at me with confusion, still hugging me tight nodding it’s head… No…yes… and a faster yes to the last question.

Then I heard my boyfriend’s voice…
“Girlfriend are you okay?”

And the little person, or little Kevin/Mom looked at me with a fear in it’s face like we were going to get caught and said…

“I’m sorry, I need to go… I love you.”

and It was MY mom’s voice! It was her! And “it” disappeared as it left me laying there curled up in a ball hugging myself.

The dream ended with me telling my boyfriend “She was here, why did you come out? Why? Why?” As I cried and cried.

What made it more real was that I woke up at almost 4am and I couldn’t move. I was crying a waterfall of tears and my body was tight and I was still hugging myself and I could still feel the super tight hug that the little person gave me. I cried and I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid because the dream was so weird or happy because I finally felt/heard her. All I knew is that I could not move and I needed to call my boyfriend to tell him but it took me about 10 minutes before I could move.

After I called and woke him, talked and was able to relax I kept thinking “What’s with the miggit mom? What the hell does that mean?” I couldn’t understand why she/god or the dream angel would have me feel/hear her through the body of a little person knowing how afraid I am of them?

And it still doesn’t make sense, except for the idea that maybe she was trying to tell me to “not be afraid of what’s coming”

All I know is that it was weird, yet nice to finally feel her and that I really wished I could run to her room and ask her what the dream ment… But I couldn’t.

Hoping to dream her again soon;
Kbeautifulmind

My 40 days…

It’s been exactly 40 days since my mom passed away.
And the craziest and most overwhelming 40 days off my life.
They say that in other countries like our cultural country and where our family comes from (Zacatecas, Mexico) you morn and don’t do anything at all for the first 40 days. You don’t work, listen to music or watch TV, and you don’t go out much unless it’s needed. You take those days to cry, love your family and those around you and help each other find peace again.
Unfortunately in America, life must go on weather we like it or not…
In my life it started from the night she died…
We started a nine day rosarie which is about an hour long but the food and chatter makes people stay for like 3 hours. It then went to all the people that surronded me asking if I needed anything or giving their condolences, to all the family at our house with total different personalities causing them to argue and what not about their different views on everything, to my grandma asking me every night “Why was I creamating my mom for it is not the CATHOLIC thing to do.”
Then after those two weeks, I was left all alone with the boys making me kind of miss all the comotion.
Then our own comotion started up again as I heard them cry, scream, fight and I even got the whole “You are not my mom” card from my youngest brother and the older one tried to pull the “I am running away” card.
And all along I had to deal with my own emotions on top of it all and people… lot’s of people! As well as all the crazy paper work that comes a long with the death of someone. From taking c.ustody, to bills, the housing arrangement and closing down any accounts of her’s and so on.
It all can get very overwhelming but it also can make you realize that life goes on. That not just because you wish to pause and freeze for a little to take a breath means that everyone else will stop with you… sadly in that sense you are on your own.
Anyway back to the people, oh the people there is friends of my own, my mom’s close friends, our family and all the fake nosey people who want to know just how you are going to do it all on your own. Either way everyone worries about you, they all stress for you, some of them making you feel bad because you can’t cure their sadness and you almost feel like you have to help them.
And of course there is work and school and just flat out LIFE.
Then there is the quite moments, from the minute you wake up and realize it is all real or that minute right before you go to bed when it all hits you the hardest.

I have to admit even though those are the times I am the most sad, they are also my most favorite times of all.

And on top of it ALL, I have felt nothing but guilt, and anger because I couldn’t help my mommy any further to help her get better. I thought that if I was good, if I listened to the doctors, if I followed all the rules, maybe we can turn this thing around… just maybe she’ll get better!

But she didn’t, and fourthy days later on top of all the comotion it still sucks that I have to do all of this with out her here.
She is the reason for my sadness and weakness as well as what keeps me pushing.

Missing my Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

“With a new day comes new strength”

-Kbeautifulmind

“If Roses grow in Heaven”

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother’s arms
and tell her they’re from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there’s an ache within my heart
that will never go away.
-Unknown

Happy Mother’s day Mommy, I love you and miss you very much♡
Life with out you sucks and I still can’t seem to accept it. I’m trying to be strong like you asked me to, I really am trying my very best.
But the truth it’s really hard.
I miss you dearly.
I cry in the car, at work and before I go to bed and sometimes even in my sleep. I know I shouldn’t be crying because I am probably making you sad but I just can’t help it. I wish you were still here, I wish god had seen that I still need you.
They say you are no longer in pain and that makes me happy but my question is what was god thinking giving you that pain in the first place?
They say you are here in spirit but I want you here in person.
I’m sorry I am not as strong as you said I’d be, till we meet again♡
R.I.P Best Friend, te quiero muchisimo!
July 12th, 1967 – April 22nd, 2014

Your Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

My First Mother’s Day…

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others,but whose place no one else can take.”

A year ago today, I wrote a blog in dedication to my mommy on Mother’s Day. I’d stated how wonderful she was and how thanks to her someday I’d be a great mom. Today is Mother’s Day and unfortunately my mommy is no longer with us.
A lot of Friend’s and Family that knew the strenght of my bond with my mom and how much she means to me, have been contacting me telling me to pretty much “Hang in there” and I am trying…
I’m doing okay because I am at work but once business slows down I feel my eyes tearing up. I really miss her…
One of my friend’s text me this morning saying, “Happy Mother’s Day Kelsey… you adopted two boy’s and a girl, enjoy the day today. I know your mom wouldn’t want it any other way!”
As I started my day I let that text sink in. I began to think about my post I wrote last year. I almost felt weird because this was not the first mother’s day I pictured…
I pictured my first Mother’s Day somewhere down the future with a husband and a fairly new born baby boy/girl in my arms. Never did I think it would be along side with two boy’s of age 11 and 15 and a 20 year old young lady that has a 8 month old baby of her own!
Sadly my friend was right, I now have to take on the responsibility of being like a mother to these stinkers because I am all they have and well we all only have each other!
In my blog last year I said…
“My mother is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother I’m going to be a great one…”
Even though I still do not have any children of my own and I have only been watching over my siblings for twenty days now, I am hoping to make my mommy very proud as I now must keep all my promises and take over for her and be a mother to her children.

Happy Mother’s day in Heaven Mommy!

Missing you like crazy;
Kbeautifulmind

Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭

“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”

Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012

They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies that were a success and she took them like a champ.

She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.

Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.

The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.

She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.

In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”

As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.

She was doing so good for about a month and a half.

On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.

We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…

But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.

I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.

My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.

I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.

Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.

She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.

I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.

R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014

Until we meet again momma…

Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)

Do not negotiate with him…

The day after my mom had the “tamales” talk with me, she made the decision to put a stop to all treatment. They had just finished radiation in the body parts that had been first exposed and they were getting ready to start on the head. Since the radiation started she couldn’t eat, poop, or function properly. She was officially sick, she looked sick and excuse my mouth but she also felt like shit. We went to her doctors appointment that morning and after the check up, questions and small talk she told the doctor; “I want to stop, I can’t do it any more.” In shock the doctor just said “I know its hard, and I understand but it’s now in your head?” And she replied to him… “I know but that is okay, I want to leave my life in the hands of god. I’m really sick doctor and I rather spend 10 good days being able to function with my kids and spend those last days happy with them then 30 in a bed where I can’t even stand myself.” In that moment I felt like she was already dying. After the talk of the night before and now this it felt like this was it. I cried and I cried, asking god; “Please, please let me have her a little longer”
The next day, we were at our house talking with a friend that came by and she had said “That’s right Maricela! Only the lord knows when he will be ready for us” Thinking out loud I said “I just hope he leaves her a little while longer…”
and then she told me; “Don’t negotiate with him! Don’t ask him please god one more month? Year? Two or Three?”
I said… “I know but I don’t want to ask for too much?”

and she told me “Nothing is too much for our lord, miracles do exist and as long as you talk to him and ask him he’ll listen, tell him not to take her yet. Tell him I understand you need her but I need her too and I want her here with me for a much longer time!”

In that moment I realized she was right? Why was I telling god “Please let me have her for a little longer” when truly I wanted her here for a long long time!

and in that moment I realized she was right… so that night I told him and begged him to please make her feel better. I asked him to please let me have her for a really long time and please please cure her god, if you are up there and can hear me, please cure my mom lord, please.

With a stronger faith then yesterday,
Kbeautifulmind