I miss you

We said goodbye, see you around, agreed on building a friendship someday,
some how…

I try not to think about you, but it ain’t working…
I’m trying to put out this fire, but it’s still burning.

Just when I thought moving on was getting closer…

I miss you.

I thought I didn’t need your presence, but I do.

I thought I had no feelings, but they’re there.

I thought I’d be just fine, but I’m not.

I miss you.

I’m trying to burn down the memories, but they aren’t dying.

Just when I thought moving on was getting closer.

I miss you.

-Kbeautifulmind

This piece was inspired my the country song “I’m coming over” – Chris Young

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To be able to write about the pain, is more than others can do.

Most people can’t ever speak of it, or face it again.

They lose touch, or emotion towards what happened.

They grow silent, bitter, angry…

and no one can seem to understand why?

They bury it.

To write of the pain, and speak of the hate you feel…

It’s brave…

and a *privilege not many are blessed with.

-Kbeautifulmind

No one stays together anymore.

They break up or get a divorce, and just walk away like nothing ever happened.

When instead they should be fighting, fighting for each other, for what they have build, for what they have…
Through whatever comes…
I want to find someone who doesn’t want to walk away.
Someone who grabs my hand and says

“I’m here till the end”

and actually means it…

-Kbeautifulmind

Two types of Women

There is two different types of women.
Dependent women:
They follow you.
They have nothing going for themselves.
and they are okay with that.
You are their world, your happiness is their only priority.
They wait for you to make it.
They encourage you to succeed and cheer you on, but from the stands.
and… If you ever leave them…
Half of them goes with you.

Independent women:
They can’t afford to follow you.
They love you and support you, but we want to be on the field with you.
They want to be a part of a team.
If you’re scoring, she’s scoring with you, before you, or right after you.
They refuse to stay behind.
They keep up.
They want a name for themselves.
Success is too important to them.
They want to be someone other than “Your girl” or “Your wife”
They want to shine with you.
and… If you ever leave them.
They move forward.

and only certain men, can handle either or.
-Kbeautifulmind

Trust her/him

The reason you are always trying to see five steps ahead is because you are afraid to be hurt…

Those other women/men have hurt you…

so you’re always looking ahead trying to protect yourself.

Stop, please.

There is no protection needed here, there is no looking ahead, they are not “too good to be true.”

You are going to have to trust her/him.

She/he will not hurt you.

repeat after me…

“She/he will not hurt me.”

-Kbeautifulmind

What causes significant others to act “crazy”

I have the worst cough of life currently and this morning, I just didn’t want to go to school.

My professor is a bit of a push over when it comes to attendance and she takes points off your next exam if you are not attending class. (What are we? High school students?)

So… I made the best of it, got up and took my little bottom to class.

I sat in traffic for about an hour only to arrive to school to see a note on the door that said…

“Class has been cancelled”

My first thought…

“ARE YOU F#$*in’ kidding me!?”

I wasn’t upset because class was cancelled, I was up set because there was a “paper” that notified me instead of a morning email, or Black Board post.

But, I didn’t let it ruin my day.

Instead I took advantage of the moment and went into the Financial Aid office as I had been meaning to ask them a question about my loans.

Sorry I’m rambling on…

Anyway, as I stood in line minding my own business, looking into my three email accounts, my blog traffic (all you cool people reading), Twitter, Instagram, and even Facebook (I rarely go on Facebook)…

I over hear the conversation in front of me…

This guy was on the phone and all I could hear was him say…

“Are you serious Ann? I was in class and since I am already hear I decided to stop by the office, I am not lying to you. When you ask where I was, I really was in class! Do you need a picture or something?”

The the woman on the other end of the phone said… “No… maybe, well just tell me the truth next time.” (You’d be surprised how loud some phones are now in days)

He clicked on her, and embarrassingly looks at me and says… “She’s “crazy,” she wants a picture of me at the fafsa office!?”

I couldn’t help but answer and say… “Is that what she said?”

He said… “No, well she said maybe but, REALLY!?”

I shrugged my shoulder and said… “Has she always been this way? or what did you do to get there?” (The shrink in me made me say it.)

In that moment I realized I was getting too involved and he realized he was being too open to some stranger.

“I’m sorry, I apologized, don’t answer that… but good luck.”

and… I went to ask the lady the question I had.

I left and that was the end of that.

Well of the conversation, at least.

On my walk back to my car, I thought about it and said; “Poor guy…”

I also remembered I’ve been there and know a lot of men and women who have been there too.

Not all at the same extremes but, I think a lot of you can agree… many of us have been there.

I felt so bad for “Ann” and this random guy because they were unhappy and their relationship was suffering, the same way my previous serious relationship once was…

You see, I believe trust is like a piece of paper, once its crumbled, ripped, teared…

no matter how hard you try to straighten up the paper it will never be back to the form of when you first had it.

However, I am a big believer in building it up to almost perfection and moving forward with it.

So… to the topic…

What is it that causes significant others to act “crazy” or to check up on each other to the extremes of asking for proof, or checking emails, calls, text messages and social media?

Well there is…

  1. The person did something for you to miss trust them, like (cheating, lying, etc.) so you now feel like anything they say is not true. (I’ve been here)
  2. Your insecurities are so low and you have trust issues from previous relationships so you act like your walking on egg shells from the start of the relationship to make sure that you are five steps ahead of them.
  3. You have cheated yourself or been a constant liar that you know what “people” are capable of… (This is guilt by the way)
  4. You been hurt, plenty of times, or very badly so you believe that EVERYONE is going to hurt you, or “All MEN/WOMEN are the same”

and of course there is many more…

but my focus here is; How can we change this?

How can we build that trust so that we are not like this with our significant other or so that we are not like this with someone new?

Well… here is my perspective on it…

  1. So you been cheated on, lied to… but you love him/her and maybe you feel that it was a one time mistake. You want to move past it and work on bettering your relationship…

After all, that’s why most of us stay right?

At least it should be, however most people don’t stay because they truly love the person. They stay because they are insecure, they don’t think they will find anyone better, or they don’t like change and breaking up with someone you have build so much with and starting over is a bit scary. Right?

I’ve been there, but if these are the reasons why you are staying… DON’T.

I’m not telling you to give up, if you think you can work through it, then do it!

But if you are going to be like “crazy” Ann, you will only be hurting yourself in the long run. Because that person may truly be sorry for what they did, and they will do all they can to prove it to you but you will never fully accept their apology.

Because you are sticking around for all of the wrong reasons.

They say “Love can conquer all

and I believe this is very true…

when there is true, genuine, and honest love, you CAN over come anything but it has to be real!

You have to be willing to truly forgive them and move forward together.

2. Your insecurities are so low and you have trust issues from previous relationships. You act like your walking on egg shells from the start of the relationship to make sure that you are five steps ahead of them.

There is no harm in this, right? Your’e looking out for yourself, what’s wrong with that?

Well for starters, it’s not fair to the new person.

It’s like punishing someone for a crime they never committed.

To top it off, your insecurities poke out through your clothes, and there is nothing more un attractive than this kind of “crazy.”

No one new in your life, trying to get to know you wants to hear, “All women are sluts,” “All men cheat and are dogs.

It’s flat out, gross and a turn off.

YOU ARE KILLING THE MOOD

To top it off, this person likes YOU, they WANT to get to know you, don’t they deserve to know the best side of you or the best you can be and have to offer them.

So if this is you, you are not ready to move on.

Take sometime to yourself and tame that crazy.

Build up yourself esteem, forgive the one/ones who hurt you, learn to love yourself again, and change that mind set.

Make yourself realize that you are NOT walking on egg shells and that you are going to be alright.

Accept that the world does have crappy people, but there is also a lot of good men/women out there that will not hurt you.

3. You have cheated yourself or been a constant liar that you know what “people” are capable of…

This one is just sad.

You need to understand not everyone cheats and lies.

and if you have always been a constant cheater or a liar, than you need to work on that and yourself to figure out why you do it.

If you made a mistake ones, stop with the guilt trip. Accept you made a mistake in your past, move forward from it and don’t make the mistake again.

It’s about believing in yourself again, building that self love that will help you make better choices and will help your partner also accept that you are a changed person.

Being afraid someone will do to you like you did to them and someone else… well it’s pretty normal because with all do respect… karma is a b#%ch.

But if you continue to live in that fear of “when” is karma going to get you… well you are not living.

It’s not fair for the other person.

4. You been hurt plenty of times, or very badly so you believe that EVERYONE is going to hurt you, or “All MEN/WOMEN are the same”

Alright this one drives me insane!

First of all it’s such a turn off, and it’s the one that alerts people about you the most, it’s like wearing a sign on your four head that says “I AM INSECURE,” or “I AM DAMAGED

The thing is we’ve all been here. Getting hurt freaked stinks!

Nothing about getting cheated on, rejected, or lead on is fun… NOTHING.

But, it’s also life! You must be so comfortable in your own skin (build self love) to accept that, nothing is forever, people can and will hurt you but, you can’t go your whole life mad at the world for it or holding every other human being accountable for the mistakes of others.

It makes you UGLY.

and no one, I mean NO ONE wants to be with someone ugly.

You can be a 10+ on the out side, the hottest man/woman that walked this earth…

but if your insides are “ugly” you just became like a -5

So how do you fix this?

Well, first off stop categorizing everyone into titles because they remind you of the past or because of what you’ve been through.

You know the saying… “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”?

Apply that to your way of viewing people and accept that yes in deed they have the same chance of hurting you just like the last person did, BUT they just might not.

Second of all… two words… ” Self Love

There is nothing hotter/sexier than a person who loves themselves, is confident, and KNOWS that they are amazing, that what they have to offer is good, and that if in deed the person rejects them, hurts them, leads them on, or cheats/lies to them…

Then it’s their lost…

and in this moment you should know the difference between a “mistake” which people do make…

or…

someone who just doesn’t care about you.

That’s when you can decide to walk away and allow yourself to find someone better, someone worth it, or you can maybe see that they made a mistake and they indeed do love you…

and maybe they are worth the second chance?

The ball is in your court…

Just stop being “crazy” and by crazy I mean stop blaming others, punishing others, and hurting them as well as yourself.

It is not fair to YOU or THEM.

You both deserve to be happy, no matter who hurt who.

Until next time,

-Kbeautifulmind

The story behind my concert binging…

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On a night where my mom and I were both sooo tired but couldn’t sleep…
She stated…

Mom: “What a long day huh? Radiation, chemo, blood tests, and two doctor appointments…

Me:” Yeah…” (I couldn’t sit there and say I was exhausted, when she was the one going through it. I just went with her… but she was right, I was tired too.)

Mom: “I can’t believe I’m really dying… all the things I didn’t get to do… vale madre…”

We had just found out my mom’s cancer was moving rapidly and it had now taken over half of her spine, and most of her hip…
She had been in some serious pain!!!

With tears in my eyes but trying to hold them in I said…

Me: “What would you have done more of mom?”

Mom: “Pues empezando… viajar mas… pero también… eir a muchos conciertos (I would have gone to a lot of concerts) no hay mejor médicina que la música!(there is no better medicine like music)

y en vivo? Uuuyyy, olvidalo! (And live music!? Ffeeewww, forget it! It’s amazing!)

I couldn’t help but smile because my mom new that I LOVE music, and to dance.
Even though I knew she loved music too, she was more quite and reserved so the image of her at a concert made me smile because she had always been more of a home body.

Me: “Well, I wanted to make it before you left us someday. But I promise you, that I will travel for you and you won’t have to ask me twice to go to a concert.”

Mom: “Eres bien alegre… (you are always so happy) You got that from me, because your dad was always an “amargado” but before I “worked to die” I was JUST like you!

Since my mom has passed I been to over 10 concerts…
No money to travel much yet but I’ve been on a plane 3 times…

A year and a half later… and for the rest of my life…
not only am I living for ME but I’m living for her…

-Kbeautifulmind

Life changes, you get it all lined up just the way you like it, just the way you know you deserve it, and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps you off center…
So what do you do?
How do you face it?

You see the problem.
Now what?
Thats only half the battle.

You have to find a solution, to make the right choice is to figure out the key that will bring you peace.
You must attempt to be happy, to be loved, to be whole.
Without drama, without suppressing yourself and your feelings, and without hurting anyone..
including yourself.
-Kbeautifulmind