My heart 

My heart is a romantic and faithful, encouraged by my soul who is optimistic through it’s cravings of connection. 

My mind is a realist, and very stubborn always refusing to give in. 

This could all be a mixture of my fears from the scars that have been left. 

Either way, I can’t seem to get the two to negotiate. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

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Infidelity

Last night I found out about a man who cheated on his wife and had another child with the side chick.
The wife didn’t leave him and they were married until he passed and they had sixteen kids.
I found myself feeling so disappointed, as I know a couple of his daughter’s who always spoke so highly of him and his husband/father skills.
I went to my two best friends and told them about it.
One of them is at work so she didn’t say much.
But the other one told me “Honestly Kelsey, I feel infidelity has been this common since men and women existed. We just find out about it so fast now because of media and the gadgets we have. I feel that when love is true, only you know what you can work with and if you can or can’t stick around. Maybe infidelity is meant to be worked through?”
I saw where she was coming from but to an extent I didn’t understand nor do I still understand.
So then I asked myself
“Why did you try working through it?”
A couple years ago I got into a relationship that knocked me out of my feet.
I had known true, honest and genuine love before that but it was young love and we both wanted different things.
However this second relationship was crazy, never boring, always felt like there was something new going on and it kept me on my feet. At first I thought I liked it, the excitment of the feeling of trouble and adventure….
Till the lies and the cheating started. Now I’ll give him some credit, it wasn’t cheating like he was hooking up or sleeping around. It was innocent “flirt texting, pictures sent, etc.” Till now from my knowledge there was no physical activity.
However, it killed me.
I went from a confident, happy, good girl to a unsecured, worried, depressed, stressed girl who was no longer liking the feeling of playing with fire.
I’d freak out when I’d see him pick up his phone and text, I’d worry when I didn’t know where he was and so on.
Now I wasn’t extreme like the “memes” on social media explain us chick’s to be now in days.
I didn’t check his phone bill or text everyday, he didn’t report to me, I didn’t call to see where he was, etc.
Why?
Well because I believed that no matter how short or long I heald the leash, a dog was going to be a dog and do as he pleased either way.
But I still thought I loved him, so I stayed.
I stayed and worked through it, I listened and accepted his apologies and I let him prove himself, and he did.
He arrived with flowers, took me on little surprised adventures, texted me twenty-four seven and did all he could to make me forget.
Sadly I never did, the text messages, the calls, the email, and the pictures had haunted me. They had haunted me so bad I was unhappy, I’d cry all the time on my own, I didn’t take care of my image and when I got hit on I’d feel bad about myself instead of flattered.
The questions I always asked him and myself were, “Why are you doing this to me? What do I have to do to be better? Why am I not good enough? Do you not have what you want here that you have to go look somewhere else?”
It came to the point where I no longer knew who I was anymore, to top it off I had a mother dying of cancer and things weren’t so good all around.
Anyway, just so you guys know that stuff only happen during the first year or so, the last three years seemed fine, I don’t think he was talking to anyone else but the damage had been done.
I wasn’t over it, when we had good days, weeks, months, I still wouldn’t let it rest.
I’d pray to God to let me find out one more thing so I could walk away.
I’d imagine these scenarios in my head before bed, in the shower, in class about how I’d catch him one last time, prove myself right that he was still a dog, and I’d walk away with what was left of me…
Unfortunetly it didn’t exactly happen like that.
I got dumped and blamed for it. I was told that this was all my fault, that I had lost myself, that I wasn’t the same happy, motivated, and romantic gal he had fell in-love with.
Boy, was I crushed.
I couldn’t believe that during my time of grieving my mother’s death he was going to walk out on me.
That wasn’t how the story was suppose to end, if any one was suppose to walk away it should have been me. I kept telling myself, “How dare he? After all I delt with? After all the chances I gave him? And yet this is all my fault?”
To end the story only weeks later and after some investigating it all came out to light. I just couldn’t get myself to buy the excuse of “I need some time alone.”
I had observed this guy for years even before we got romantically involved, and if it’s one thing I knew about him was that he could NEVER be alone. So to my findings I was right! There had already been someone else in the picture, he was already talking to someone else only this time he didn’t get caught which allowed it to continue for who knows how long, and he walked away with her.
I’ll admit, I was SO HAPPY. I finally had the proof I needed to know this wasn’t my fault. I cried at the findings of the betrayal and at the fact that she was so ugly (from my taste in woman that is) but man did it motivate me.
There I was ready to feel alive again,  finally that big weight I carried for years off my shoulders, and ready to love myself and find true happiness again.
So I tell my story because yes I guess you can work through infidelity but will you ever feel the same again? Will you ever feel like you did when you first met the person? I know I didn’t.
I guess that’s just the one thing that scares me, if infidelity is as common as they say, and everyone does it…
Then maybe like Usher once sang…
“I don’t want to know, if your playing me, please keep it on the low.”
In all seriousness, everyone should think twice before they give into temptation, yes it’s fun but if you love your significant other, if they mean the world to you just remember that if you crush them you are destroying your best friend. Imagine them in bed with someone else moaning the way only you have made them moan, and ask yourself…
“Is it worth it?”
It really isn’t, once trust is broken it can be so hard to get it back.
Back to me, I guess I just pray I find someone with the same views as mine.
It’s a scary world out there…

Just sharing my thoughts and story,
Kbeautifulmind

I use to believe…

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I use to believe that as I got older life would only get easier. I believed it so strongly that in a way that’s the only reason why I’d try to stay positive and keep pushing. I would say to myself “Life CAN only get better”
Everything that would happen to my family and I would’nt affect me. I would just look for an excuse on why it was happening and on what good things it would bring into my life for the future.
For example, if we didn’t have any food my mom would say to us “I’m sorry girls all we have is beans again” and I’d say “Don’t worry mom beans are the best there is!”
But god knows I was soooo tired of beans and sopa.
If we couldn’t make the rent or had to move again, I’d worry so much and I HATE packing and moving. But I’d try to be positive and say “It will be cool, a whole new place!”
The list goes on and on and on and on…

And I’d try so so hard to understand. However we all go through our rebellious years and I definitely went through mine. As a teen I got to the point where I didn’t even believe my excuses anymore. I didn’t get it. And I’d even tell my mom things like “It just makes no sense how you work so hard and we do not have ANYTHING?
How mom? How don’t we ever have ANYTHING?
What did we do in our past life or before God put us on this earth to deserve it?
But I quickly learned to accept that we had just enough.
I learned that “God only gave me what I could handle”
So some how I use to believe that “Life could only get better”
And that “God was only giving us what we could handle”
And then I got older and I began to understand better. I started to believe that it was all in my control now and that it was up to ME to change things around. I would day dream of all the places I’d take my mom on vacation and of all the new things she’d finally experience. I use to believed that as long as I had a plan, all would go as planned.
However it didnt, nothing got better and NOTHING went as planned.
I’ve accepted that nothing always goes as planned but I can’t seem to understand why things never got better.
I’ve now learned and learned that life isn’t perfect so I’m not complaining and thinking “Why me?” Like if I am the only one who has lived through hard times.
I KNOW some have had it worse…
But I still don’t understand it!
My mom worked to die and never got to see the places she wanted to see.
My whole believe, plan and hope that someday we’d both be sitting hip to hip saying “Yupp, this is definitely better…” never happened.
And no its not all the same, somethings are better.
But I’m tired of hearing “God only gives you what you can handle”
Or
“Life could only get better”
Because it’s not true. Life can also get worse and that’s just LIFE for you. We are not all here to pursuit all of our dreams, we won’t all get everything thing we desire and want, not all of us will get a break and some people won’t live a happy ever after.
All I can do now is accept that with hope that even if it NEVER gets better, it will only become a smoother process to deal with it all.
Thinking a bit,
Kbeautifulmind