Today…

Today I realized that I am a “chance” taker.

I take chances.

Mostly emotionally, but I take chances.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I try to always see the very best in every single person I come across.

I am not sure what it is but, I believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.

It might not always be a good reason, but in the end…

there is always a reason.

Putting myself out there works, for me.

I do not allow my pride to hold me back…

I feel, and I express it loudly with out a care in the world.

If you hurt me, you’ll know.
If you make me happy, you’ll know.

If I am angry, you’ll know.

and sadness,

oh sadness…

it’s probably one of my most painful faces I can show.

My tears are there, and the pain pokes out my clothes.

Not only can you see my emotions, but if you are close enough…

you can feel them.

But I can say it works for me, this is how I live.

I don’t pretend, I can’t.

I’m real, I’m raw, and sometimes it’s ugly

but everyone has an ugly.

I don’t wait, at least not anymore.

I use to wait, hide, shield…

My mom would tell me… “Smile, wipe those tears and smile. Do not let others see your weakness.”

Many times she’d say “Ay Kelsey, you are too sensitive.”

As I grew I learned how to compose my emotions (Don’t worry I don’t walk around in public crying or something like that…)

I do smile, but I allow myself to feel and express myself first.

I approach the situation how I feel is correct or will work for me.

Once I’ve done that; I can finally breathe, look forward, and move on.

Therefor…

I take chances, and I am finally accepting that.

I am okay with this.

I know that sometimes I WILL get exactly what I want from taking these chances…

but,

sometimes…

Sometimes, I will get hurt.

Sometimes the outcome just won’t be what I wanted.

Sometimes I won’t get what I was hoping for.

and sometimes, or many times…

I will be disappointed. 

I am okay with this.

Because I can at least live, knowing I took the chance that my heart told me to take.

Today I realized that I am a “chance” taker.

I take chances.

But, I actually live.

If I died tomorrow, I would go in peace knowing that I actually lived

How many people can actually say that?

Some people die a long time before their hearts stop beating, I refuse to be one of them.

-Kbeautifulmind

Do not negotiate with him…

The day after my mom had the “tamales” talk with me, she made the decision to put a stop to all treatment. They had just finished radiation in the body parts that had been first exposed and they were getting ready to start on the head. Since the radiation started she couldn’t eat, poop, or function properly. She was officially sick, she looked sick and excuse my mouth but she also felt like shit. We went to her doctors appointment that morning and after the check up, questions and small talk she told the doctor; “I want to stop, I can’t do it any more.” In shock the doctor just said “I know its hard, and I understand but it’s now in your head?” And she replied to him… “I know but that is okay, I want to leave my life in the hands of god. I’m really sick doctor and I rather spend 10 good days being able to function with my kids and spend those last days happy with them then 30 in a bed where I can’t even stand myself.” In that moment I felt like she was already dying. After the talk of the night before and now this it felt like this was it. I cried and I cried, asking god; “Please, please let me have her a little longer”
The next day, we were at our house talking with a friend that came by and she had said “That’s right Maricela! Only the lord knows when he will be ready for us” Thinking out loud I said “I just hope he leaves her a little while longer…”
and then she told me; “Don’t negotiate with him! Don’t ask him please god one more month? Year? Two or Three?”
I said… “I know but I don’t want to ask for too much?”

and she told me “Nothing is too much for our lord, miracles do exist and as long as you talk to him and ask him he’ll listen, tell him not to take her yet. Tell him I understand you need her but I need her too and I want her here with me for a much longer time!”

In that moment I realized she was right? Why was I telling god “Please let me have her for a little longer” when truly I wanted her here for a long long time!

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and in that moment I realized she was right… so that night I told him and begged him to please make her feel better. I asked him to please let me have her for a really long time and please please cure her god, if you are up there and can hear me, please cure my mom lord, please.

With a stronger faith then yesterday,
Kbeautifulmind