Pain…

It’s Friday night and well most of my friend’s are in some kind of relationship, so if they are with their significant others I pretty much have nothing to do… lol.

There for I’m sitting on my little red couch, watching “The Fault in our Stars” knowing I’m going to cry but eeeehhh what the hell right?

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As I sit here and watch this movie with that sappy feeling in my body because of such cute romance between these two young kids who through cancer have learned to live and enjoy every minute of life even if they are not always happy or even if it is not always easy.
I began to think about the first time I fell in love, and the second time I fell in love and all the beautiful moments and promises made and I can’t help but smile at the memories.

I think about love and I can’t help but wonder…

“If love works the way they say it does and we all get a soul mate and our other half’s are out there somewhere, then it actually must be worth it in the end, right?”

What exactly?

Well the pain, if pain is meant to be felt then it has to be worth something right?
Pain, according to the dictionary…
pain
pān/Submit
noun
1.
physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
“she’s in great pain”
synonyms: suffering, agony, torture, torment, discomfort More
ache, aching, soreness, throb, throbbing, sting, stinging, twinge, shooting pain, stab, pang, cramps;
discomfort, irritation, tenderness
mental suffering or distress.
“the pain of loss”
synonyms: sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, unhappiness, distress, desolation, misery, wretchedness, despair; More
informal
an annoying or tedious person or thing.
noun: pain in the neck; plural noun: pains in the neck
“she’s a pain”
2.
careful effort; great care or trouble.
“she took pains to see that everyone ate well”
synonyms: care, effort, bother, trouble
“he took great pains to hide his feelings”
verb
verb: pain; 3rd person present: pains; past tense: pained; past participle: pained; gerund or present participle: paining
1.
cause mental or physical pain to.
“it pains me to say this”
synonyms: hurt, cause pain, be painful, be sore, be tender, ache, throb, sting, twinge, cause discomfort; More

So that is pain, it’s something that just hurts weather it’s physical, emotional, or just plain makes no sense and you don’t know where it’s coming from it’s just something that hurts but we all have to try and learn to live with it.

So let me ask you again…
If pain is meant to be felt with the chance that something beautiful will come out of it in the end or at the chance you took to experience something beautiful that brought you pain later then it just HAS to be worth it, right?

Well of course it is…
I say it is!

I mean I’m just a twenty-four year old gal who sits at home on her red couch on a Friday night watching sappy movies that she knows are going to make her cry a waterfall…

But I am also a gal that has been through alot and as a personal victim of a cancer scare myself and someone who lived a hard childhood with bull shit after bull shit and then lost her Best Friend to Cancer it’s self…

I say the pain is totally worth it!
I say that who cares if your heart gets broken again and again and again, and yes death might take some people before you and make you experience the worst pain of them all, and yes other life situations might even add more to the pain but it’s totally worth it.

It’s worth the memories, it’s worth the laughs, it’s worth the meaningful hugs, the long lasting kisses, it’s worth the moments that feel like the whole world has stopped in that moment of happiness, its worth the beautiful pictures we take of all these moments and it’s definitely worth that moment when love takes over your body and soul and gives you those butterflies that make the pain of life go away, even if it’s not forever.

Pain is meant to be felt, and you sadly don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world but in the end it’s truly worth it.
It’s painful but worthy because it was the end of something that was once so beautiful and meaningful to YOU.

Okay?
-Kbeautifulmind

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November is…

November is Lung Cancer Awarness month.

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No, it’s not pink or sexy. It doesn’t involve boobs or football players, cute t-shirts or catch phrases, and definetly doesn’t sell millions of dollars of merchandise with it’s propaganda.
It’s about being grateful that you or your loved ones can breathe with out a struggle.
It’s about knowing you don’t need to go to chemotherapy once a week, followed my radiation on the same week knowing that this “might” only prolong your life by a couple of months.
It’s about not having to live like you are dying, for a lung cancer victim knows there is nothing that can kill this disease in their body.
It’s about being thankful that you can do almost ANYTHING you want because you don’t have to take things slow since just a couple of steps don’t make you short of breath.
It’s about being able to enhale and exhale without feeling all this liquid in your lungs choking you up.
It’s about appreciating the fact that you can sleep peacefully without fearing that you might not wake up the next morning.
It’s about being grateful that you do not have the number one killing cancer with in women and men today.
It’s about knowing that you are not a victim of this killer disease with only a 40% chance of living up to four years after being diagnosed.
It’s about being aware of how serious this disease is in our society today.
Because…
November is Lung Cancer Awarness Month.
In loving Memory of…

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               Maricela Arellano Lopez
               07/12/1967- 04/22/2014

I miss you momma,
Kbeautifulmind

Dear God

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Dear God,
Her all time favorite color is pink, she wears it with anything. She really loves her soccer, just remember there is no other team like Mexico for her. She love’s roses, those are her favorite flowers. She loves her novelas, I hope you have T.V up there? She needs to have some chocolate at least every once in a while because her sweet tooth is rediculous. I also hope heaven has coconut because she can’t live with out her coconut popsicles. She makes a delicious aros con leche! I wish I would have got that recipe!? She really loves the holidays, every single one! Especially Easter which is probably why she went to heaven around that time… Along with holiday’s comes all her yummy cooking and those delicious Tamales! Just provide her with a big kitchen and she’ll get to it!
She’s a sucker for romance, especially romantic music. She loves Los Rieleros Del Norte, please make sure their songs are always playing. Now that we mentioned playing, do you believe in gaming? She’s obsessed with Candy Crush, you have to let her play it!
She suffered so much pain down here that all she deserves up there is happiness. She always lived with a strong faith in you, I hope you know she never lost it, because she really loves you.
God…
I’m sure you know it has been 6 month’s since you took her from me and I just want to ask that you please make sure she’s happy.
I pray all her worries and pain are gone.
Oh god, I really, really hope she’s happy, because her happiness is the only thing that keeps me sane since missing someone so special can cause you to go insane.
Tell her that I love her so much and that life here is not the same. Ask her if she’s proud of me and if I’m doing things the right way?
Sincerely;
Your broken child, missing her mother.
Kbeautifulmind

Anything Good Takes Time

A couple of days ago I had to write my first paper of the semester.
The prompt stated that we’d right about an event in our lives that changed our attitude and character forever.
I automatically thought of my mom, but I knew her death wasn’t the only thing that changed me I had already been changed before that.
It started with the day that I found out she had cancer. I realized I had not relived that memory since it happened and boy was it hard!
But it was almost therapeutic and I wanted to share it with my readers!
Enjoy…
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I have lived a very difficult life. I am the oldest of four who were raised by a
single mother. I had to grow up a lot quicker then most kids my age in order to help out my mom. I don’t remember many fun childhood memories. Most of
them are moments of financial struggle and stress. I was raised by a warrior,
someone who thought me to never give up and to be a positive person. Thanks
to her I always tried to make the most of everything and see the positive in them. My struggles made me the strong person that I am today but it also made me very paranoid to fail in life. As I grew up I became obsessed in succeeding and I was very hard on my self when something did not go as planned. At age twenty two I had already had some set backs on my plan with my education and future career. I was very disappointed in myself yet I was determined to keep pushing and not let anything else stand in my way. I had my mind set and I could not allow anything to make me deviate from my plan!
It was on a Monday afternoon I was at my boyfriends aunt’s memorial service
reception. I was sitting on a table surrounded by his siblings as we all ate our food in silence because non of us could believe she was really gone. I was full of mixed emotions myself as I kept looking at my phone since my mom had been in the hospital for three days with a very bad case of pneumonia. I was waiting for her call because on that day she was getting her final results of all the test they ran and was planning to check out the following morning. I remember taking one more glance at my phone as a text message came in. It said “They said yes”, I replied to her “Yes to what? Is everything okay?” I waited for what seemed the longest five minutes of my life yet no reply. I got up and excused myself from the table as I walked to a quitter area in the salon. I called her three times but she would not answer, I was starting to freak out. I could feel it, something in my heart was telling me that she was not okay. I was nervous, I felt as if the room got very hot and I could feel my face and neck starting to sweat. My phone finally rang and as I answered it my hands were shacking so much that I could barely press the answer button. As I said “Hello” I heard her say “You are the
first person I call, but I need you to stay calm and please do not cry.” Had she
not added the last part I might have stayed strong a little longer but I could feel the tears running down my face on to my chin. She said again “Kelsey? Do you hear me? Please try not to cry” I said to her “Mom what’s wrong? Just tell me already!” She knew I was crying and she said to me as she began to cry “No, no, no, please I told you not to cry! There was a pause and then she said “I have Lung Cancer.” I could not believe what I was hearing. I broke down as I grabbed the bottom of my dress and squeezed my hand into a fist. I could barely breath and speak but I forced out the words and said to her “Is it bad? Is it curable? Are you going to die?” I could hear her begin to also gasp for air as she cried louder and said “ Yes, no unfortunately, eventually but it can take a long time” I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and all I could say was “No! No! No! No! No! No! Why you? Why god? Why her?” We cried on the phone together till my boyfriend walked over and looked at me with confusion. He said to me, “Is
everything okay?” She heard him and it seemed like she was almost trying to
calm her self down hoping he would not hear cry. She said to me “Listen up, you and I both know God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. Everything is going to be okay. Only he knows what he is doing so calm downand try to be positive like I have always thought you to be. I need you to call my sisters and brothers because they have been calling me non stop and I do not wish to go through this again. I am going to get some rest and I’ll see you when you get here. I love you Kelsey remember that everything is going to be okay!” I
don’t remember if I even responded to her after that, I just remember hanging up the phone and telling my boyfriend with a loud cry as I hugged him tightly “My mom has Lung Cancer” I broke down I could not be strong anymore. By the time I looked up his immediate family was there to comfort me. I cried and cried as I was passed from one person to another. His mom hugged me, his dad hugged me, his sisters and finally his grandmother. I felt myself weak in the knees as I hugged the lady who had just buried her third child who had died from cancer. She said to me “I am so sorry honey, I do not know what to say. No one and I mean no one deserves to feel this pain.” I could hear everyone around me crying but it was almost like I was running low on tears. Something in his grandmother’s hug gave me strength and helped me calm down. I wiped my tears off my face and started to call my aunts and uncles before I left the reception and drove to the hospital to see my mom. After that day I was no longer worried about success, failure or if my life worked
out as planned or not. I had mixed emotions on the whole cancer fact and I could still not believe it was true. I went from going to church every Sunday to not going at all and not even blessing myself every morning as I woke up or every night before I went to bed like I use to. This lasted about a year. I went to school and finished my AA Degree but I was not very motivated. I was angry, disappointed and still very confused as to why this diseases had made it’s way into our lives. Eventually I started to go back to church along side with my mom and even though I was still confused I was no longer angry. I had a small break
from school as I took care of her and we fought this disease side by side. I was no longer worried of how long it would take me to finish or when I would start working in the field of my planned carrier. We helped each other through it and like always she was strong and positive making it hard for me not to follow her lead. Five months ago today my mother passed away at the age of forty six. She left four children and a granddaughter behind to live on her legacy. But most of all she left a changed and even stronger daughter who promised her she would not stop until she achieved everything she ever wanted in this life. Even though my mothers sickness and death have been the hardest experienced I have ever lived through, I know that it has made me stronger and changed my perspective on life. I have learned that it is okay to deviate from a plan. I learned that even the most perfect plans could fall apart and that I must not dwell and stress on it too much. I learned anything good takes time. I learned it does not matter how long it takes me to accomplish my dreams as long as I do not give up and keep pushing forward. I now realized money and good fortune is not as important as it perceives. Living life as if it’s your last day is whats important.

The Daughter of a warrior;
Kbeautifulmind

I am a Single Mother

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In only a couple of days it will be 5 months since my mom has passed. I miss her like crazy everyday and every minute. I wish I could still come home and see her face and hear her voice but I can’t.
I was hoping that since she’d passed I’d be able to avoid hospitals for a while. However I’ve been to three different one’s since. Methodist our near home hospital which I am already familiar with because my mom spend 2 years in and out of there. Huntington Hospital in Pasadena where my sister ended up after being hit by a car (yes unfortunately the bitch is still running loose, I don’t know what is taking so long). Then there is also The children’s hospital of Los Angeles where I now know my way around because my brother has been here since Sunday. If any of you readers care, we are ALL OKAY no need to worry.
I still wish we had never made it to these places anyway. Everything about hospitals creeps me out now. The hallways, elivators, the beds, and the cold feeling you get no matter the temperature outside (102° by the way) and of course that sad feeling you get that you are not here for your mom anymore. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like my body and heart get this hope that they might see her again for a couple of minutes until my mind has to calm it down and say “sorry but she will not be here”.
What really brought me back to reality was when I was filling out the forms for my brothers admittion into the hospital and the man asked me “Are you a single mother or are you married?”
I answered with confusion on my face…
“Ummm, I am his sister”
and he said to me…
“Well of course, but the mother is deceased now and you are his guardian so are you a single mother or are you married?”
And with an empty feeling in my heart I answered “I am a single mother”
I walked out of there almost devistated. Not because I was raising my siblings or anything but because I never thought of it that way, until him. I was now something I never wanted to be. I was now a “Single Mother”. I knew it wasn’t by choice but I began to sort of freak out thinking of all I struggled along  side of my single mother and wondered what would happen if I’d also fall in the future causing my siblings to struggle too?
I never could had imagined my life like this, I had a plan and it was destroyed and re written for me. And even though it saddened me and stressed me a lot I told myself as I walked back into my brothers hospital room, “You are a single mother now! Who was raised by one of the warriors of single mothers… You can do this!”
I went from negative to positive in only seconds but my brain was again smacking me out of it saying…
“You got this!”

Feeling positive and trying to stay strong;
Kbeautifulmind

My 40 days…

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It’s been exactly 40 days since my mom passed away.
And the craziest and most overwhelming 40 days off my life.
They say that in other countries like our cultural country and where our family comes from (Zacatecas, Mexico) you morn and don’t do anything at all for the first 40 days. You don’t work, listen to music or watch TV, and you don’t go out much unless it’s needed. You take those days to cry, love your family and those around you and help each other find peace again.
Unfortunately in America, life must go on weather we like it or not…
In my life it started from the night she died…
We started a nine day rosarie which is about an hour long but the food and chatter makes people stay for like 3 hours. It then went to all the people that surronded me asking if I needed anything or giving their condolences, to all the family at our house with total different personalities causing them to argue and what not about their different views on everything, to my grandma asking me every night “Why was I creamating my mom for it is not the CATHOLIC thing to do.”
Then after those two weeks, I was left all alone with the boys making me kind of miss all the comotion.
Then our own comotion started up again as I heard them cry, scream, fight and I even got the whole “You are not my mom” card from my youngest brother and the older one tried to pull the “I am running away” card.
And all along I had to deal with my own emotions on top of it all and people… lot’s of people! As well as all the crazy paper work that comes a long with the death of someone. From taking c.ustody, to bills, the housing arrangement and closing down any accounts of her’s and so on.
It all can get very overwhelming but it also can make you realize that life goes on. That not just because you wish to pause and freeze for a little to take a breath means that everyone else will stop with you… sadly in that sense you are on your own.
Anyway back to the people, oh the people there is friends of my own, my mom’s close friends, our family and all the fake nosey people who want to know just how you are going to do it all on your own.  Either way everyone worries about you, they all stress for you, some of them making you feel bad because you can’t cure their sadness and you almost feel like you have to help them.
And of course there is work and school and just flat out LIFE.
Then there is the quite moments, from the minute you wake up and realize it is all real or that minute right before you go to bed when it all hits you the hardest.

I have to admit even though those are the times I am the most sad, they are also my most favorite times of all.

And on top of it ALL, I have felt nothing but guilt, and anger because I couldn’t help my mommy any further to help her get better. I thought that if I was good, if I listened to the doctors, if I followed all the rules, maybe we can turn this thing around… just maybe she’ll get better!

But she didn’t, and fourthy days later on top of all the comotion it still sucks that I have to do all of this with out her here.
She is the reason for my sadness and weakness as well as what keeps me pushing.

Missing my Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭

“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”

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Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012

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They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies  that were a success and she took them like a champ.

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She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.

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Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.

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The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.

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She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.

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In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”

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As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.

She was doing so good for about a month and a half.

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On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.

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We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…

But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.

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I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.

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My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.

I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.

Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.

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She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.

I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.

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          R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
       July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014

Until we meet again momma…

Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)