My First Mother’s Day…

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others,but whose place no one else can take.”

A year ago today, I wrote a blog in dedication to my mommy on Mother’s Day. I’d stated how wonderful she was and how thanks to her someday I’d be a great mom. Today is Mother’s Day and unfortunately my mommy is no longer with us.
A lot of Friend’s and Family that knew the strenght of my bond with my mom and how much she means to me, have been contacting me telling me to pretty much “Hang in there” and I am trying…
I’m doing okay because I am at work but once business slows down I feel my eyes tearing up. I really miss her…
One of my friend’s text me this morning saying, “Happy Mother’s Day Kelsey… you adopted two boy’s and a girl, enjoy the day today. I know your mom wouldn’t want it any other way!”
As I started my day I let that text sink in. I began to think about my post I wrote last year. I almost felt weird because this was not the first mother’s day I pictured…
I pictured my first Mother’s Day somewhere down the future with a husband and a fairly new born baby boy/girl in my arms. Never did I think it would be along side with two boy’s of age 11 and 15 and a 20 year old young lady that has a 8 month old baby of her own!
Sadly my friend was right, I now have to take on the responsibility of being like a mother to these stinkers because I am all they have and well we all only have each other!
In my blog last year I said…
“My mother is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother I’m going to be a great one…”
Even though I still do not have any children of my own and I have only been watching over my siblings for twenty days now, I am hoping to make my mommy very proud as I now must keep all my promises and take over for her and be a mother to her children.

Happy Mother’s day in Heaven Mommy!

Missing you like crazy;
Kbeautifulmind

Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭

“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”

Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012

They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies that were a success and she took them like a champ.

She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.

Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.

The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.

She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.

In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”

As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.

She was doing so good for about a month and a half.

On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.

We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…

But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.

I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.

My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.

I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.

Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.

She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.

I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.

R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014

Until we meet again momma…

Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)

The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others…

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.”
-Audrey Hepburn

My mom has always told us that if we help other’s god will bless us with more.
So as a kid I was raised to be helpful, I learned to always offer a hand and do it in a good mood and with an open heart.
I’ll be honest, I truly enjoy it.

Now that I’m older; I’ve always been one to offer my car, home, money, life or whatever it is I had. I was the dummy always chasing others and putting in all the effort to save my friendships and relationships.
A couple of years ago I began to open my eye’s, and see that this wasn’t always good. I was almost always left hurt, betrayed or walked on by those I thought really cared about me. I’d tell myself “How could she not love me? I am an amazing friend to her; or How could this guy not fall in love with me? I’m an amazing girl friend!”
I was robbed for years… sigh.
I was the girl that gave my last bucks to a homeless man/women, knowing they’d turn around walk back into the store and buy a beer.
Only about two, three years ago I sat myself down and really did some thinking…
I told myself…
“Why do I let it affect me so much when someone doesn’t care about me? Why do I get so hurt when I’m not appreciated? Why am I stressing about who my siblings date? What’s it to me if he’s/she’s no good for her/him? Or that they don’t have good grades? Or that my friend is on the wrong path? Or that my friend doesn’t appreciate me? Or that my brothers don’t listen to my advise?”

and I realized in that moment that it wasn’t worth it!

But what would I do? How could I change who I am? And was I being selfish? After all it’s not a “good deed” if you’re expecting something in return right?

And that is right, don’t help others if you expect something back…

But…

In that moment I knew that I had to help myself before I worried to help others. I had to cut my rope free before I cut their’s, if not I would be left there to hang and die!

Because you don’t have to change who you are; If it’s in your heart and bones to help other’s you must do it! This world needs good people, people who care and we must continue to do so.

It’s very simple, you just have to appreciate yourself. Either help yourself as you help them or be a little selfish and do you first, then help them.

If you do everything for your dude but he does nothing for you then stop, if he changes and chases you then continue, if he doesn’t…. There is plenty of fish in the sea!

That friend that always asks for help, rides, support… still help her/him but learn to say “NO” if it means changing your plans or canceling what you had going on. Do not put anyone first anymore!

If your siblings don’t listen to your advise and you’re the oldest…
1. Remember you had to learn, so do they.
2. Remind them you’re backing off but will always be there if they need you.
3. Tell them what I tell my siblings; “I don’t care what the hell you do, after all I won’t be depending on you someday, I got my head on right! I do it for YOU because I want to see you succeed for YOU.
4. Sit back and watch and when you need to step in (you’ll know when) then step in!

Over all remember that “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it”

Therefore don’t change who you are but remember to only offer a helping hand not your neck. Remember that not everyone will appreciate it and if it seems like that then give the helping hand to someone who will.

You’ll win some and loose some but just make sure you aren’t getting walked on and loosing more then your winning.

Just like the world needs good people, good people deserve to be surrounded by love and appreciation.

Love yourself, be good, and do great!
Kbeautifulmind

My Recipe to a Successful Relationship

I use to believe that being in the perfect relationship or being the perfect couple only needed one ingredient; Love.

However, as you mature and get older you come to realize that sometimes love is really not enough. Sometimes there is more that is needed for a good recipe, and even then it might not be perfect.
You see, a relationship takes up a lot of time and attention. It requires good amount of effort and consideration. But we don’t realize that at the beginning because we are so blinded by what I like to call the “honey moon stage.” When we like some one or better yet love someone, you experience a happiness like no other, those wonderful butterfly’s that make you feel like you are on top of the world! Unfortunately as happy as that person once made you, they can also become the number one reason of a misery you thought you’d never experience. Because after the honeymoon stage there is always a little chance of it all going sour.

This leads me to my recipe on the subject, which is really quite simple. First make sure you are in love or if not “in” love then make sure you Love and really care about the person. If there is no love it probably won’t last very long. Love can not be forced; we can’t work towards falling in love, if we could they wouldn’t call it “falling” in love. You don’t have complete control over whom you fall in love with and or how long that love will last. Therefor if you are trying to force it what ever your reasons may be, then it won’t work out, it just won’t.
The next ingredient is Accept as well as comprehending everything about your partner. You must really get to know the person, do not get fooled by the butterfly’s you are feeling. Ask your self “Who is he/she when I’m not looking?” “Do I like what they are/represent?”
A guy I once dated told me “You don’t even know me anymore.” I’ll admit that in that moment I disagreed with him. How could two people that had been friends for over 8 years and dated for about half of that not know each other? I had devoted so much time, and years to this relationship that I couldn’t believe this was true. Later I realized he was right; that’s what I had been fighting for I wanted him to get to know me again because he didn’t know me either. I mean it’s not like we didn’t know each other at all, because we did at one point. For God sakes we are sitting right next to each other in our pre-school pictures, to me this love seemed like destiny like It was meant to be because I had never loved anyone so much. But we fell a part because we were both changing and growing, and as you grow your way of thinking or seeing things doesn’t always stay the same. If you don’t continue to get to know each other and keep up, then you will grow a part. Therefore we must accept that we all change; the desires your partner has now won’t be the same in the next 5-15 years, they just won’t. That’s when you’ll decide if you want to learn to accept and comprehend this new person instead of loosing them. Just remember once you loose them it’s rare when you can get them back, make sure this is a risk your willing to take you don’t want to end up living in regret.
My third ingredient is Sharing; I’m sure you have all heard the saying “sharing is caring” which comes from the idea that if you care about someone or a group of people you’ll be willing to share some of your “things” with them. In relationships this saying is very, very true. First off, if you’re keeping things from them it’s bound to fail. However for the most part if you are serious about this person and are committed you must realize that you are now a part of a “TEAM” and as a team player you can’t keep the plays, moves or tricks from the rest of the team and expect to win. However it also takes two to tango and if one person is sharing and trying but the other doesn’t care then it’s not a lot of fun as you start feeling alone. Just make sure you share and also listen to their sharing and it will be so much fun. Share your dreams, fears, desires, what excites you, what turns you on, and even what pisses you off.
Don’t ask…
“How was your day?”
Ask…
“How was your mathematic class?”
“What did you do at work today?”
“What’s on your mind?”
Not only will open questions force your lover to open up to you but it will bring you guys closer together, making your relationship better.
For my last ingredient but probably the most important is Trust. Trusting your significant other is a absolute must in a relationship. I know, I know this is the hardest one yet. I struggle from it really bad as I’ve programmed myself not to trust anyone because I once was so gullible and I’d always get hurt or screwed over. Therefore by experience I know that it’s hard but I have also learned that there is still good people out there, so I don’t let it take over my life or relationship. Don’t be the girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife who calls 24-7.
“You got off from work 5 minutes ago, where are you?”
“No you can not go to that bar for guys night, there is a lot of women there. I trust you but I don’t trust them.”
First of all that whole “I trust you but I don’t trust them” is BS. Yes there is dirty women out there that seem to be attracted by the wedding band or the “I have a girlfriend” line, however just remember “It takes two to tango”.
If someone is going to cheat or back stab you they’ll do it no matter how many times you call, text, yell or how short you keep the leash. If they screw you over it’s their lost. But also if they don’t give you the attention you deserve then they pushed you. All situations are different but if it has gotten to that point, I only have two words… MOVE ON.
Just remember not to let fear and jealousy interfere because a relationship like that isn’t healthy. Not only will you psych yourself out, but you’ll be that annoying couple no one likes to really hang out with because they got tired of hearing…
“You like her? Go get her, I saw you staring! I’m sure if I wasn’t here you probably would!”
No matter what your reasons for acting that way may be, don’t do it unless you want to drive yourself to miserie.
It’s very simple folks, it only takes those main ingredients and a little bit of your own twist to it. If two people put in the effort this recipe will help make your relationship LAST.

Love.Accept.Share.Trust.

Playing cupid;
Kbeautifulmind

Beads for Battle

“A kind gesture can reach a wound only compassion can heal” -unknown

I have to admit I use to look at people who had no legs or were disabled in some way weather it was being sick or what not and I would get so sad for them.
I remember when I was like 7 years old and I had to get in the bus with my grandma in Mexico, there was a kid in there with no shoes all dirty and gross, he smelled so so bad. He only had one leg and had these hand made crutches to help him around. When we got out of the bus I started to cry and my grandma asked what was wrong? I told her I was sad for that little boy as I asked why don’t his parents take him a shower? And why did “diosito” (god) only give him one leg?
She said to me that he probably didn’t have parent’s and that something must have happened to him in explanation of the leg…
I cried even harder and said “Grandma why do parents leave?”
Since I was also suffering in understanding why I didn’t have a father at the time, I just didn’t get it.
I remember going to church that week on Sunday and that’s when I really started to pray. I began by praying for the little boy as I asked him to please bless him with some love and support because he was a little boy and didn’t deserve to be alone.
And that’s when I began to ask God to please protect my family and loved ones because I wouldn’t want to loose them or to see them hurt.
I remember thinking that if I did this every night and said thank you everyday we would all be okay.
As you all may have read after finding out about my mom’s diagnostic I felt like god had let me down and I was mad at him…
But don’t worry I think him and I are cool now 🙂
But I was mad because I guess I felt that as long as I spoke to him and asked and thanked every one would be fine. But I didn’t realize that there was more to this disease then what god controls and that I am NOT the only one feeling this pain.

“Hi my name is Cynthia. In April 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I started this organization to show support and spread positivity to others who are fighting for their lives. These strong individual’s need support to have the confidence to continue their battle…”

About a week or so I “met” Cynthia through a facebook message.
The thing is I already knew her story because we both have a wonderful friend by the name of Nairy who shared her story with me and told me a bit about her organization “Beads for battle”
I’ll admit that when Nairy told me I didn’t pay much attention. It’s not that I wasn’t interested I remember thinking “Why to such a young girl god, poor thing” but I was so caught up in my own life and issues that I didn’t further look into it.
When Cynthia contacted me on Facebook I felt like she had just gave me one of those big bear hugs that just make you relax and feel like everything will be okay. I felt the fight in her words and mind as well as true sympathy coming out of everything she wrote.
I knew right then and there that God gave her only what she could handle. God knew her strength and her big heart and knew she would use it to support others and spread love as well as her strength.
In that moment I knew I didn’t have to actually meet Cynthia in person to know that this young lady was an angel. As she told me that my family and I would be in her prayers and reminded me that “No one fights alone” I knew she was there for me.
That same day as we messaged back and forth, Cynthia offered to send my family and I some bracelets with beads and crosses that would remind us that we were not alone. Yesterday I received those beads and it was like Christmas in February! Not only were they absolutely beautiful but they put a big smile on my face because it’s like I could hear her telling me “No one fights alone”
In that moment I realized that we really are brought into this world for different purposes and I just pray that God continues to give people like Cynthia, my mom and other cancer victims the strength to fight on!
Happy with my pretty bracelets;
Kbeautifulmind

P.S if you’d like to donate to help Cynthia continue with this wonderful organization or would like to order a bracelet for a family member or yourself contact her at beadsforbattle@yahoo.com or find her on twitter: @beadsforbattle or find her page on facebook: beads for battle Inc.

Imagine a day…

Imagine a day when they found the cure
not to the common cold or flu,
but to that ugly diseases that breaks us apart.
The one that doesn’t discriminate and can attack anyone, with no sign of existence or a warning of some kind.
Imagine there is no cancer,
As easy as it sounds,
No pain or suffering,
Or waiting just to die.
Imagine all the people,
No matter what their age,
kids, parents and teens,
Living worry free.
With out that ticking time bomb,
that no one else can see.
You might think I’m a dreamer,
but I’m not the only one,
Every single victim wishes it was gone.
Imagine a day when they found the cure,
oh how wonderful that would be.

Kbeautifulmind.

Bless their kind hearts♡

Hello everyone!
As you all may know if you know me personally or have been a regular visitor to my blog I am currently fighting cancer along side with my mom.
I have to say it’s one of the hardest things I have ever been through.
Recently my mom got very sick and had to make a visit to the ER, a place we hadn’t been to in a couple of months.This made me so sad being there again knowing she was in pain.
She had so much pain in her back and leg that she couldn’t take it. After being tested and what not the doctor had told us that the cancer was now making its way into the bones causing my mom that pain as well as slowly breaking them.
Even though he exaggerated a bit he had the right concept.
So I spoke to her doctor asking what was next and how could we get started ASAP!
He told me about a treatment of $4,000 and a couple of radiation sessions for the back and hip that can range from $1,500-$3,000 with her current coverage…
Of course as annoyed as we all ready are with this hole MEDICAL bull $*&t, I was even more annoyed at the fact that realistically I wasn’t going to have that money any time soon!!!
So I took a day and sat around to think about it…
“Maybe I’ll start playing the Lottery?”
“I can pull out a loan?”
“Write a letter to a radio station or Oprah?”
“A third job might be more realistic… but when will I have time to help my mom out?”
“A fundraiser page? Donations? That’s like begging I don’t think so, I hate pity…”

As I stressed on it the next day wondering what I was going to do I decided to swallow my pride and I guess you can say “ask for help” I looked into a couple of websites and finally found the right one. I lingered some more and swallowed my pride and gave it a try!

I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears after only a couple of days. The support was coming from everywhere!

It started with mostly family members, closed friends and loved ones.

Then a couple of strangers who don’t really know me but some how saw my kind heart and my struggle in this battle to help my momma out.

Then of course there was a couple people that caught me by surprise people I dated once, was friends with once, people who talked crap about me and or to me, but hey they still donated so they must have liked me at some point in their lives or just knew the kindness in my heart. It could also be pity which I knew I’d get… but it’s fine.

All I knew is the support is non stop, I’m getting lots of kind messages, and calls from people that I don’t even know or talk to much and it’s amazing!

My close loved once have took the time to also re-post my link and spread the word. I have a friend doing a “Cut for Cure” at her Salon to help me raise money! And over all everyone is giving me all these helping hands.

I’d like to say…
Bless their kind hearts!

Because it honestly took so much out of me to even think of trying this, to even believe it was okay. My mother is the most independent warrior I know and she raised me to be the same. This battle has been so hard for me that I knew it was time to ask for a hand. The number of helping hands I have received have been more then I expected.

We and I say (WE) not (I) because I couldn’t have done this alone, have raised a total of $2,300 in a matter of 6 days!!!!
Can you say amazing!?!?!?

I’d just like to say thank you to all my supporters, donors, and readers! May God bless you all with a beautiful healthy life. If you have a minute please continue to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
And help me raise money to get my mom on treatment as soon as possible!

Grateful;
Kbeautifulmind

Oh 2014, the year to start living…

Hi Everyone!
Happy new year!

Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect. -Alan Cohen

For my first post for 2014 I just want to say “I’m not afraid anymore…” – Home Alone (I love these movies) ha ha.

What I meant by that is…
I been afraid for about three years now. Not just afraid about one thing but about many things.
In 2011 I was heart broken, scarred myself to continue to be afraid of love, trust, and happiness. I was afraid of friendship, new beginnings and moving forward. That lasted until late 2013… sadly to admit. I dwelled on all that had hurt me and on all I had done to hurt others actually making myself believe I was a horrible person… and every time something happened or I got hurt again I’d say “this is my karma”
In 2012 I became more angry then afraid wondering why everyone else around me seemed happy while I was still hurting, then at the very end of 2012 the year smacked me in the face and told me “Kels! Snap out of it, there is other more important thing’s…” as my mom was diagnosed I realized there was more to life, more things to worry about, to value.
In 2013 I had mixed feelings for life and how it all works as I wondered what the point of life was anyway…

However; this year…

I’m not afraid anymore!

I’ve finally took a deep breath, inhaled life for what it has to offer and decided that life goes on past the bad times, the regrets, the mistakes and the sadness and you have to move forward with it.

Times will be hard, sad, stressful and so on but nothing lasts forever so we must live and try to relax through it all.

With god by my side and my faith in him, I know 2014 will be just right.

Small thought;

Kbeautifulmind

Last night as I was getting out from work my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to join her for confession…

I lied and said I was still at work, and went Christmas shopping instead.

I don’t know why I lied but I think it was because I hadn’t been to confession and hadn’t even step foot in a church in over a year.

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to attend midnight mass on christmas eve and I didn’t even make it to that last year…

When I was driving home that night I began to ask myself why I lied? And I had no excuse. I think I was afraid to face him.

I use to go to church every Sunday and always participated in confession, prayer, and I actually enjoyed it. I found it to be a place of peace and I felt happy when I was there.

Last year when my mom was diagnosed, I became mad at god. I was upset with him as I spend my days asking him why she deserved this? What made him choose her? Hasn’t she been through enough? Haven’t we been through enough? Why are you doing this to us!?!?!
I was very very mad at god; I had never felt so hurt, mad, and lost. I felt my faith dissolving.

Then one night when I was off on a Sunday my mom asked if I’d like to attend church with her, I told her “No I’m too tired”… and she confronted me…

“Well every Sunday for the last couple of months your excuse has been “work” today your excuse is you’re “tired” even though you are off? I don’t know what your deal is or why you no longer like to go to church but let me tell you something, we are still breathing and have all we have thanks to the man up stairs. Sometimes you need to take a little break and tell him thank you. If you don’t want to go to church then I hope you are at least speaking to him….”

If she only knew how much I was speaking to him, more like questioning him…

I stayed very quite and then told her “I don’t know If I believe in god anymore, I’m mad at him.”

My mom’s face looked like I had just slapped her really really hard.

She looked at me with a face of disappointment and said…

“I am so shocked to hear that coming from some one who use to always tell me, “No matter what happeneds, If we have faith everything will be okay!” I get you are mad so was I but I do believe he only gives us what we can handle.”

And she left…

I ended up crying myself into a nap after that. When I woke up I knew she was right, I went for a walk and I apologized to god for questioning him and yelling. I told him I was sorry and how grateful I was for still protecting me and being by my side even when I lost faith in him.

A year later today, I decided to go to confession and really face him. Before we were dismissed to stand in line to confess to one of the 25 priests, there was a small mass. The priest directing it said something along the lines of “… he never pushes us away no matter our sins, we push him away” and he was right. I pushed god away even when he still had my back and stood by my side.

Now I know not everyone reading this is a roman catholic like I am, but I am sharing this with the hope that if anyone is going through hard times like I am, understand that “everything happeneds for a reason” and with even just a little bit of faith, everything will be okay.

Faithful;
Kbeautifulmind

A year ago…

Most of the time we as humans just go day by day with out appreciating life and realizing how time flys by.
The only time we notice how fast time has gone is when someone’s birthday comes up, some kind of anniversary, or someone dearly to us passes away.

I use to be like that, I had my usual prayers “may god protect my family, loved ones and friends from all bad and evil blah blah blah” but I never really thought about it, I didnt sit there to think that I might go to bed and might wake up to tragic news or may not even wake up at all.

Until a year ago today…

I was at a loved ones funeral, I stood at the burial listening to the soothing music playing in the back ground and I began to sing along because it was one of my mother’s favorite songs. With tears in my eyes I began to watch everyone else around me crying with such hurt because they were either the sister, brother, son, daughter, grandson, granddaughter, cousin, friend, niece or nephew of this wonderful lady and they all had to say good bye with hope to see her again someday. The one person who broke my heart the most was the mother, her cry yelled her hurt and pain. After all she had already barried 3 of her children. I’ve always heard the saying “A mother or father never wants to bury a child” and I understood the sadness behind it but watching this lady hurt so much made me understand the meaning of it. It broke my heart to pieces, I felt such a heavy burden because I just wanted to help her but there was no way I could.

In that moment I began to think about my mom who at the time was in the hospital trying to get better from a “pneumonia”. Last I heard they were going to get some test results that day and we could take her home. As I thought about her I told god “This might not be the right time or place but I just want to say Thank you, that you’ve yet to put me through this and I pray you wait a very very long time for that because this is so painful that I couldn’t imagine loosing my mother or a sibling.”

I just needed to thank god because the woman who passed ment so much to me and even more to her immediate family. I couldn’t imagine how I would cry, act, feel if it was my mother or a sibling.

In that moment I began to realize how nice it was to still have my family here to hear, hold, kiss and even fight with.

After all the tears and hugs, we headed out for a reception in honor of the deceased where they would play music, a clip with many pictures and memories and have a bunch of yummy food. I honestly already had no appetite and seeing the pictures made me more sad that she was gone. However, I knew I had to be strong because I was there to support a lot of people I had grown to care about.

As I began to eat a bit and watch the beautiful memorabilia they made, my phone rang…

It was my mother, I was waiting for her call because she promised to call me as soon as they gave her the results of the exams.

I’ll never forget this moment…

“Hello?”
“Hi mija the results are in…”
“What did they say?”
“Kelsey, don’t cry, don’t get mad, and try to relax…”

Tears had already started running down my eyes to my cheeks…

“What mom!? Tell me already…”

“I have Lung Cancer… Stage 4…”

“What!?”

I cried and I cried and I cried I was so mad I couldn’t understand why and how god could do this to us…

I could hear her as she began to sob her self and said “Kelsey I told you not to cry!!!”

All I could say was “Come on mom…”

After we hung up I was so mad I was standing in the back of the building by a door and I felt as if life was crashing down on me, I couldn’t breath I tried to catch some air but I felt myself having an anxiety attack my stomach was turning and all I could taste was the salty tears running down my face into my mouth…

I was hugged by those around me including the mother of the deceased who told me “Look at me! We don’t know why god does these things but what we do know is he only gives us what we can handle, you must be strong for your mother she needs you more then she has ever needed you right now…” I could hear everything everyone was telling me including what she said but I was not comprehending like it was in another language! I was surrounded by all these loving people but in that moment I felt alone in my mind asking god “What the hell is your problem? Why my family after all we have gone through?”

Now, a year later I honestly don’t understand how we have done it. But I do understand what the lady said when she told me “we are only given what we can handle” and I finally comprehend even if I hate to accept it. I am so emotional because I honestly did not think my mom would see another Thanksgiving or Holiday Season. I am so so happy and so grateful that she is here with us and I pray to god, now that I’ve made peace with him again and apologized for attacking him that he please keep her here with me for many more years to come and continue to help her be strong so that she could fight on.

I am also grateful and appreciate all those wonderful people that were by my side the minute our family found out. We were forced to welcome cancer into our lives as I was trying to support another family who had just lost a loved one to cancer. But if I had not had them there by my side I wouldn’t have been okay. I am also thankful for those that have stayed by my side until today.

Day by day nothing may change but when you look back everything is different, we must take a minute and appreciate today so that we don’t find ourselves looking back with regret.

Spreading my hope and faith to all of you,
Kbeautifulmind