Tag: Life

The Goodbye

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A year ago today, my loving, caring, helpful and beautiful mother left this earth.

I’ll never forget the pain I felt on that night.
The nurse had said she wouldn’t make it through the night on April 21st.
Yet we kept asking her to please hold on, as her mother was now on her way.
The day of her death was filled with anxiety and fear.
You see, being the stuborn and independent woman my mom was she had requested for my grandma not to know the truth about her cancer.
However it was now too late, and my grandma was on her way to California with out knowing why my mom was truly leaving us.
My grandma arrived about two hours before my mom passed.
She began to ask “Why won’t she wake up?”
Her kids would tell her “She’s really sick mom, we must let her rest.”
Then she said “Wake up mija, look it’s me your mom, I have arrived to see you. Let me put this ointment on you mija. Please get up, I know it will help you feel better.”
I began to cry, it was so painful to see my beautiful grandma in so much pain and confusion.
So she looked at me with tears in my eyes and said, “She isn’t going to wake up, is she?”
Her kids answered and said “She’s going to be okay mom, she just needs to rest…”
all you heard after that was the broken words of a heart broken mother.

“Stop! Stop lying to me. I am her mother, I KNOW.”

The rest of the time we prayed, we sung, and we cried. One by one everyone began to say their goodbyes and whisper what they needed to say into her ear.
Her siblings called from Mexico and one by one with the phone to my mom’s ear they also had the chance to tell her what they wanted.
Her breathing slowly began to change, she now had her mouth wide open as she gasped for air, and she was loosing her color.
However she continued to fight and hold on, at first we believed it was for my grandma but for some reason even with my grandma already there she didn’t seem like she wanted to go.
The nurse then said to me “It’s time, get your siblings together, you must say goodbye, her breathing has changed drastically.”
As I called my siblings closer, I could see the pain in their eyes.
Christopher only fifteen years old was angry and the tears he had been holding in came running down his face like a waterfall at full speed.
Kevin at eleven years old seemed to have it more together than most of us.
Without any tears he walked up to her and said “I love you so much mom. I’m going to be strong just like I promised you.”
My sister and I broke down and laid next to her.
Then the nurse said… “She is still fighting, I’ve never had a patient with such strenght to fight on. You guys must tell her it’s okay to let go.”

So that’s exactly what I did…
“Mommy, I know your worried, I can feel it. It’s okay to let go now, we are all here by your side and even if your worried, I promise I’m going to give it my all to take over and take the best care of everyone. I know your sad mommy, but you can count on me, I promise. Te quieto mucho mommy, y dios sabe que te voy a extrañar demasiado pero recuerda…
“Solo asta que nos volvamos a ver”
“Until we meet again”

Then only minutes later with everyone there in the room…
She opened her eye’s one last time, took a look around the entire room and took her last breathe as her eyes shut forever.

I thought I was ready but in just seconds I panicked, I broke down, and fell into a dizzy spell.

This was really it…
We lost the battle.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day two of our Goodbye

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On a sad cloudy morning like today, a year ago is when I realized I had to accept it, and let her go. Yet the pain only felt deeper than when I got the news the night before.
I had dozed off on the bed next to her, when I woke up to her moan, it was a moan that said “I am in serious pain.”
I remember seeing my aunt helping the nurse move her a bit and my reaction came with some anger, “What are you guys doing to her!?” I yelled.
The nurse responded, “Honey, we have to clean her up and change her.”
My mom did not want to be moved or touched at all, she continued to moan with frustration and I could see the tears in my aunts eyes as she also suffered to see her in this pain.
I rememeber thinking…
“This is sssooo not what she wanted!”

My mother was what we would call a “Independent Warrior”:
She fought for what she believed in, even if she stood alone.
She’d do anything for those she loved, even if it meant starving herself to feed them.
She made it clear she needed no one or their approval to get what she wanted.

She was a single mom for most of her life, except when she was married to my step dad but even then she never depended on him or anyone to get things done.
She never got government help to raise us, she never told family to pick us up when we were down (even though they constantly offered) and some how she always found the resources, time and energy to get us through EVERYTHING and still help others.
On those last three days, our little place was filled with so many people.
Some I didn’t even know but they knew of me, and every single one of them started their stories with:

“Your mom HELPED me…”

The day of her viewing we had only ordered 250 memorial cards and we ran out.
The days were such a blur for me, but what I did know for sure is that there was over 250 people who attended.

I rememeber a lady crying as she looked at my mom and said, “No god, why these beautiful hands? Why this beautiful lady that always gave me a helping hand.”

So as I watched her moan, I knew she was upset.
I knew she was not happy to be leaving this earth not being able to do anything for herself.
Then the nurse said,
“Is her mom (my grandma) on her way? I don’t think she’ll make it through the night, she is no longer releasing body waist.”
The tears came running down as I held her hand, I had finally accepted it, but I still couldn’t understand why God was taking the most important person in my life from me.
A couple minutes later my little brother Kevin came walking in the room.
I could see the confusion and the pain in that 11 year olds face as he tried to hide it and be “strong”
He said “Why was mommy making that noise, is she okay? and Why are you crying agggaaiiinnnn…”
I didn’t need to answer, as Kevin got close to her and held her hand a tear started running down her face.
She was in pain,
And maybe not just in pain from the Cancer, she was in pain because she also knew it would soon be time for her to go and it was killing her to be leaving her children all alone.

-Kbeautifulmind

Day One of our Goodbye

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A year ago today began our goodbye.
I rememeber walking in at exactly 9:15pm after coming home from a long day at church, hoping to find her awake and feeling better.
That morning she watched me get dressed as I changed into a long green skirt and one of my favorite white tops. Like always I asked her “Do I look beautiful or what?” And she just gave me a gentle smile…
I knew something was wrong and I wanted nothing but to stay by her side.
Everyone insisted I’d go, that she just needed rest. But non of them had been to every doctor appointment and spoke to every doctor like I had.
I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it, but I kissed her and went anyway.
When I got back that night, I had high hopes, but I knew I was wrong the minute I saw my room filled with nurses.
I took my shoes off and sat next to her, as I watched her sleep so deeply.
The nurse asked “Kelsey can I speak to you in the living room for a minute?”
and that’s when she told me…
A year ago tonight began our goodbye as the nurse said that her body was beginning to shut down and she could go any day now.
I knew this was coming, the doctors had warned us about three weeks ago. Yet I had hopes there would be more time, they said it could be up to a year.
For the rest of the night, and following two days… I rarely left her side, I didn’t eat, and I might have showered once (Im honestly not sure)
A year later I still feel all of it.
The pain, the confusion, the fear, and the frustration as I watched her sleep away, knowing I would never hear her voice tell me with sarcasm…
“No Kelsey te ves muy fea…”

-Kbeautifulmind

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Hi my name is Kelsey, and I give all the fucks in this world😆🌏
I try too fucken hard,  I love too fucken hard, I care too fucken much, I’m too fucken nice, I talk too fucken much, I’m too fucken emotional, I scream, cry, laugh, and live too fucken much.
But Im okay with that, because I love who I am.
I never been more happy or comfortable in my own skin like I am today.
And I fucken love it! 🙌
xoxo💕

ONE AM.

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After every girl and every lie.
Followed every excuse I could possibly make to believe that I was well deserved of the hurt you caused me.

-Kbeautifulmind

This is for…
Every girl who’s had those late nights.
Who’ve stayed up waiting for him to call.
Who’ve smelled the perfume on his collar.
Who’ve seen the lip gloss on his lips.
Who’ve seen the pictures on his email.
Who’ve looked through his phone as he slept next to you, only to discover more lies.
Only to feel that you were not good enough for him…
as you ask yourself…
“What am I doing wrong?
What does she got that I don’t?
So you use the cheating as blame on yourself…
Allowing the love you felt to fource you into making excuses for him and using it all as an excuse to only try harder to impress him.

Word of advise… STOP.

You will never be good enough…
Not because your not good enough, but because you are too good for him, too good for him to ever see your worth through the bodies of those woman fullfilling his insecurities.
Know your worth!
-Kbeautifulmind

Easter Morning…

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Easter morning and I wake up with chills, as I lay on the bed wishing you were here.
Easter has always been the holiday that brought you so much joy, because you loved the atmosphere there was in the world.
You always shared with me your thoughts and said…
“Today just seems to bring unity in families and you can’t help but feel blessed.”
Last year Easter was just so cold and blue, as it fell on the Sunday of April 20th only two days before twenthy two.
As you laid there on your death bed with the hospice nurse by your side, she told us to celebrate today like everything was fine.
But how could we enjoy the holiday you loved so much, if you were in pain no longer able to look at us or say much.
I remember just holding you as I tried not to cry, my body so tired with no sleep or food to give it life.
Easter Sunday last year was a day of unity and love, but filled with so much pain as we waited for god to take you in his arms.
I didn’t feel peace, nor did I feel blessed, as you’ve always made me feel in the past because I was losing my bestfriend.
Yet here I am almost a year later on Easter morning, laying in bed, listening to your favorite songs, and in between all the tears and the pain I some how feel blessed.
I guess it’s because, I can still feel your presence.

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-Kbeautifulmind

I miss you mommy.