A question from a reader…

Tonight I received another “critic”

One of my readers asked me…

“Why are you so bitter about your last relationship?

I understand cheating is wrong, but do you ever think that maybe he just didn’t love you anymore?”

I don’t want to sound mean but, you really need to move on and let him be happy!”

Now I wasn’t going to respond to this, because obviously my “reader” is not a big fan of my writing…

But, eh why not?

So…

I’d like to start by defending myself a little and state that I have moved on.

I am very proud to say that I have taken it into my own hands and forgave him for all of the pain he caused me.

To tell you the truth, I’ve never been happier. Honest to god!

However, I understand why my post about infidelity make me seem “bitter.”

So let me address it for you.

I am not bitter, and the pain I had felt was not because, he no longer “loves” me.

Also in my defense, I have never done anything to bother him, or hold him back from his happiness.

When I think of a cheater, I think of a student glancing at her/his notes under the desk very quickly because she can’t seem to remember the term she studied about for hours!

I think of a card player winning a game of Black Jack only because he counted the cards.

You see, this action that ruins relationships between two people who have promised a commitment to each other isn’t “cheating.”

This action is more like…

Lying, betrayal, disrespect, abuse, broken, murder, selfishness, and of course weakness.

So, my dear reader…

The pain I or ANYONE has felt after being “Cheated” on isn’t a reaction of “not wanting to move on” OR not accepting that maybe he “just didn’t love me anymore.”

If I am being honest, I think I’ll never know if he actually loved me.

I know he loved the idea of me?

I just don’t believe you can intentionally hurt someone when you love them.

You don’t kill the persons trust for you when you love someone.

When you truly LOVE, you don’t intentionally hurt the person in the same way more than once.

As I was saying…

Cheating is so painful because it makes the one being cheated on feel like they were at fault.

You see…

You fall in love with someone who could never and has never loved you back.

You make excuses, you defend, and you protect this person.

You FIGHT with all your might to try to convince not only those around you but, YOURSELF that he/she is better than how they are representing themselves.

You fight for the good you see in them, until the ugly over powers you and smacks you down on your ass.

Then…

You feel like an idiot.

You feel stupid, low, ashamed, and embarrassed.

You begin to regret all the chances you gave them, and start asking yourself… ‘What were you thinking?”

You are left there to pick up the pieces up on your own.

It ends up being all on you to accept the apology you might never receive, to forgive someone who doesn’t need your forgiveness, and to forget.

Now, I don’t mean forget as in forget about the person… because once you’ve seen how bad they are for you, that is not so hard.

But, forget as in forget all the fight you gave, only to lose.

I never thought of myself as a woman who makes bad choices…

So, when I was left alone to accept that this time around I had…

I guess it tends to make you a bit “bitter” so you say.

So to answer your question…

“I am not “bitter” about getting “cheated” on, I am disappointed I fought for something that wasn’t worth fighting for and that is what my posts are about.

-Kbeautfiulmind

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I still laugh…

I still laugh at the day it happened.

So much cowardly in one phone call.

Promising me that with time we would meet again, that someday our love would continue.

I rememeber laughing that day as you stated your pathetic promise of “we will meet again,” as you used it to justify your decision to throw it all away.

What you didn’t rememeber is what kind of woman you had been with, what kind of woman you had known for over so many years…

I already knew you and what you were capable of.
I knew everything you did to the girl before me,
and I knew what you had done to me.
I already knew about her.
I knew I was being replaced.

Yet I played along and said,
“Yeah, maybe we will. The world is round for a reason right?”

I still laugh at the day it happened, because even though I listened…
I was praying our paths would never cross again.

-Kbeautifulmind

*Old piece I never posted:)

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To be able to write about the pain, is more than others can do.

Most people can’t ever speak of it, or face it again.

They lose touch, or emotion towards what happened.

They grow silent, bitter, angry…

and no one can seem to understand why?

They bury it.

To write of the pain, and speak of the hate you feel…

It’s brave…

and a *privilege not many are blessed with.

-Kbeautifulmind

What causes significant others to act “crazy”

I have the worst cough of life currently and this morning, I just didn’t want to go to school.

My professor is a bit of a push over when it comes to attendance and she takes points off your next exam if you are not attending class. (What are we? High school students?)

So… I made the best of it, got up and took my little bottom to class.

I sat in traffic for about an hour only to arrive to school to see a note on the door that said…

“Class has been cancelled”

My first thought…

“ARE YOU F#$*in’ kidding me!?”

I wasn’t upset because class was cancelled, I was up set because there was a “paper” that notified me instead of a morning email, or Black Board post.

But, I didn’t let it ruin my day.

Instead I took advantage of the moment and went into the Financial Aid office as I had been meaning to ask them a question about my loans.

Sorry I’m rambling on…

Anyway, as I stood in line minding my own business, looking into my three email accounts, my blog traffic (all you cool people reading), Twitter, Instagram, and even Facebook (I rarely go on Facebook)…

I over hear the conversation in front of me…

This guy was on the phone and all I could hear was him say…

“Are you serious Ann? I was in class and since I am already hear I decided to stop by the office, I am not lying to you. When you ask where I was, I really was in class! Do you need a picture or something?”

The the woman on the other end of the phone said… “No… maybe, well just tell me the truth next time.” (You’d be surprised how loud some phones are now in days)

He clicked on her, and embarrassingly looks at me and says… “She’s “crazy,” she wants a picture of me at the fafsa office!?”

I couldn’t help but answer and say… “Is that what she said?”

He said… “No, well she said maybe but, REALLY!?”

I shrugged my shoulder and said… “Has she always been this way? or what did you do to get there?” (The shrink in me made me say it.)

In that moment I realized I was getting too involved and he realized he was being too open to some stranger.

“I’m sorry, I apologized, don’t answer that… but good luck.”

and… I went to ask the lady the question I had.

I left and that was the end of that.

Well of the conversation, at least.

On my walk back to my car, I thought about it and said; “Poor guy…”

I also remembered I’ve been there and know a lot of men and women who have been there too.

Not all at the same extremes but, I think a lot of you can agree… many of us have been there.

I felt so bad for “Ann” and this random guy because they were unhappy and their relationship was suffering, the same way my previous serious relationship once was…

You see, I believe trust is like a piece of paper, once its crumbled, ripped, teared…

no matter how hard you try to straighten up the paper it will never be back to the form of when you first had it.

However, I am a big believer in building it up to almost perfection and moving forward with it.

So… to the topic…

What is it that causes significant others to act “crazy” or to check up on each other to the extremes of asking for proof, or checking emails, calls, text messages and social media?

Well there is…

  1. The person did something for you to miss trust them, like (cheating, lying, etc.) so you now feel like anything they say is not true. (I’ve been here)
  2. Your insecurities are so low and you have trust issues from previous relationships so you act like your walking on egg shells from the start of the relationship to make sure that you are five steps ahead of them.
  3. You have cheated yourself or been a constant liar that you know what “people” are capable of… (This is guilt by the way)
  4. You been hurt, plenty of times, or very badly so you believe that EVERYONE is going to hurt you, or “All MEN/WOMEN are the same”

and of course there is many more…

but my focus here is; How can we change this?

How can we build that trust so that we are not like this with our significant other or so that we are not like this with someone new?

Well… here is my perspective on it…

  1. So you been cheated on, lied to… but you love him/her and maybe you feel that it was a one time mistake. You want to move past it and work on bettering your relationship…

After all, that’s why most of us stay right?

At least it should be, however most people don’t stay because they truly love the person. They stay because they are insecure, they don’t think they will find anyone better, or they don’t like change and breaking up with someone you have build so much with and starting over is a bit scary. Right?

I’ve been there, but if these are the reasons why you are staying… DON’T.

I’m not telling you to give up, if you think you can work through it, then do it!

But if you are going to be like “crazy” Ann, you will only be hurting yourself in the long run. Because that person may truly be sorry for what they did, and they will do all they can to prove it to you but you will never fully accept their apology.

Because you are sticking around for all of the wrong reasons.

They say “Love can conquer all

and I believe this is very true…

when there is true, genuine, and honest love, you CAN over come anything but it has to be real!

You have to be willing to truly forgive them and move forward together.

2. Your insecurities are so low and you have trust issues from previous relationships. You act like your walking on egg shells from the start of the relationship to make sure that you are five steps ahead of them.

There is no harm in this, right? Your’e looking out for yourself, what’s wrong with that?

Well for starters, it’s not fair to the new person.

It’s like punishing someone for a crime they never committed.

To top it off, your insecurities poke out through your clothes, and there is nothing more un attractive than this kind of “crazy.”

No one new in your life, trying to get to know you wants to hear, “All women are sluts,” “All men cheat and are dogs.

It’s flat out, gross and a turn off.

YOU ARE KILLING THE MOOD

To top it off, this person likes YOU, they WANT to get to know you, don’t they deserve to know the best side of you or the best you can be and have to offer them.

So if this is you, you are not ready to move on.

Take sometime to yourself and tame that crazy.

Build up yourself esteem, forgive the one/ones who hurt you, learn to love yourself again, and change that mind set.

Make yourself realize that you are NOT walking on egg shells and that you are going to be alright.

Accept that the world does have crappy people, but there is also a lot of good men/women out there that will not hurt you.

3. You have cheated yourself or been a constant liar that you know what “people” are capable of…

This one is just sad.

You need to understand not everyone cheats and lies.

and if you have always been a constant cheater or a liar, than you need to work on that and yourself to figure out why you do it.

If you made a mistake ones, stop with the guilt trip. Accept you made a mistake in your past, move forward from it and don’t make the mistake again.

It’s about believing in yourself again, building that self love that will help you make better choices and will help your partner also accept that you are a changed person.

Being afraid someone will do to you like you did to them and someone else… well it’s pretty normal because with all do respect… karma is a b#%ch.

But if you continue to live in that fear of “when” is karma going to get you… well you are not living.

It’s not fair for the other person.

4. You been hurt plenty of times, or very badly so you believe that EVERYONE is going to hurt you, or “All MEN/WOMEN are the same”

Alright this one drives me insane!

First of all it’s such a turn off, and it’s the one that alerts people about you the most, it’s like wearing a sign on your four head that says “I AM INSECURE,” or “I AM DAMAGED

The thing is we’ve all been here. Getting hurt freaked stinks!

Nothing about getting cheated on, rejected, or lead on is fun… NOTHING.

But, it’s also life! You must be so comfortable in your own skin (build self love) to accept that, nothing is forever, people can and will hurt you but, you can’t go your whole life mad at the world for it or holding every other human being accountable for the mistakes of others.

It makes you UGLY.

and no one, I mean NO ONE wants to be with someone ugly.

You can be a 10+ on the out side, the hottest man/woman that walked this earth…

but if your insides are “ugly” you just became like a -5

So how do you fix this?

Well, first off stop categorizing everyone into titles because they remind you of the past or because of what you’ve been through.

You know the saying… “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”?

Apply that to your way of viewing people and accept that yes in deed they have the same chance of hurting you just like the last person did, BUT they just might not.

Second of all… two words… ” Self Love

There is nothing hotter/sexier than a person who loves themselves, is confident, and KNOWS that they are amazing, that what they have to offer is good, and that if in deed the person rejects them, hurts them, leads them on, or cheats/lies to them…

Then it’s their lost…

and in this moment you should know the difference between a “mistake” which people do make…

or…

someone who just doesn’t care about you.

That’s when you can decide to walk away and allow yourself to find someone better, someone worth it, or you can maybe see that they made a mistake and they indeed do love you…

and maybe they are worth the second chance?

The ball is in your court…

Just stop being “crazy” and by crazy I mean stop blaming others, punishing others, and hurting them as well as yourself.

It is not fair to YOU or THEM.

You both deserve to be happy, no matter who hurt who.

Until next time,

-Kbeautifulmind

Let’s have a moment of silence…

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Where were you when the world🌏stop turning that September day?
Did you shout out in anger in fear for you and your neighbors, or did you just sit down and cry?
I was about 12 years old, and I rememeber breaking down in tears.
Thinking, “man… life is a bit unfair sometimes…” My mom told me that night, “We don’t know why these things happen, that’s why you MUST cherish every minute of life you get, because people don’t realize it is a blessing JUST to be alive…”

Let’s have a moment of silence…
For the people who packed their luggage the night before, only to never unpack them again.
For the parents who kissed their kids goodbye, only to be the last kiss they’d ever give them.
For the husband who called his wife right before his plane crashed just to say, “This is it, I will always love you.”
For those that watched the buildings go down in front of them, knowing they couldn’t do anything to help.
For the firefighters and policemen who went in to help, only to lose their lives as well.
For the children who sat at school with fear, wondering if their parents were going to be okay?
But let’s not forget…
For ALL the lives that were lost not only on 9/11 but through out the days, months, years after that because of this “terrorist” threat.
and for all the innocent people… that “looked” like the responsible “ideal” terrorist that were bullied, attacked, robbed, pushed around, blamed, and even KILLED for something that till this day has no DIRECT person to blame…
at least not by a 100 percent proof.
We all have our own theories I’m sure…
R.I.P to all the victims that have died because of 9/11.
-Kbeautifulmind

You robbed me.

You robbed me.

Days, months, a year and more later, I can finally speak of it.

You robbed me.

You robbed me for my beauty, my innocence, my strenght, my confidence, for everything I believed in, you saw my vulnerability and you stripped me for everything I was.

You were so insecure and unhappy with yourself, and I was your victim.

From the minute we got involved romantically, you played me.

You played me, you’d lie and lie to me, and you’d blame and blame me.

You brought me down to my knees, to tears, to insecurity, to pain…
pain that made me believe it was all my fault.
Pain that made me believe I deserved it, pain that made me believe there was something wrong with ME.

You never hit me, you never abused me, but your cheating was just as bad or even worse.

You were a good friend before our involvement, but you were the worse “lover” anyone could ever ask for…
and I cant believe that through out all those years I never saw it.

You knew I was nice, you knew I was selfless, honorable, loyal, respectful, but most of all you knew I was passionate.

You knew I wouldn’t give up on you, you knew I’d fight for you, you knew I’d forgive you… over and over again…

So you robbed me, you be littled me, you took advantage of me, you took me for granted.

You destroyed me.

You took advantage of my passion and fight and you weakened me.

You robbed me, you robbed me for all I was…

and days, months, a year and more later I can finally talk about it…

Because I have gratefully found myself again.

-Kbeautifulmind

She made a promise

She made a promise to herself, not because she wanted to shut and lock all the doors to love.

She made this promise because the pain from the games were still too raw.

She knew her worth, exactly what she wanted, and what she very well deserved.

So she laid her offer on the table and walked out that door with all the hurt.

As she shut the door, she felt the fear drifting and a proud feeling in her chest.

She knew that if she kept her promise, it would all be worth it in the end, for the one who got to taste her body again would be the one to never hurt her or let it end.

-Kbeautifulmind