November is…

November is Lung Cancer Awarness month.

No, it’s not pink or sexy. It doesn’t involve boobs or football players, cute t-shirts or catch phrases, and definetly doesn’t sell millions of dollars of merchandise with it’s propaganda.
It’s about being grateful that you or your loved ones can breathe with out a struggle.
It’s about knowing you don’t need to go to chemotherapy once a week, followed my radiation on the same week knowing that this “might” only prolong your life by a couple of months.
It’s about not having to live like you are dying, for a lung cancer victim knows there is nothing that can kill this disease in their body.
It’s about being thankful that you can do almost ANYTHING you want because you don’t have to take things slow since just a couple of steps don’t make you short of breath.
It’s about being able to enhale and exhale without feeling all this liquid in your lungs choking you up.
It’s about appreciating the fact that you can sleep peacefully without fearing that you might not wake up the next morning.
It’s about being grateful that you do not have the number one killing cancer with in women and men today.
It’s about knowing that you are not a victim of this killer disease with only a 40% chance of living up to four years after being diagnosed.
It’s about being aware of how serious this disease is in our society today.
Because…
November is Lung Cancer Awarness Month.
In loving Memory of…

Maricela Arellano Lopez
07/12/1967- 04/22/2014

I miss you momma,
Kbeautifulmind

Dear God

Dear God,
Her all time favorite color is pink, she wears it with anything. She really loves her soccer, just remember there is no other team like Mexico for her. She love’s roses, those are her favorite flowers. She loves her novelas, I hope you have T.V up there? She needs to have some chocolate at least every once in a while because her sweet tooth is rediculous. I also hope heaven has coconut because she can’t live with out her coconut popsicles. She makes a delicious aros con leche! I wish I would have got that recipe!? She really loves the holidays, every single one! Especially Easter which is probably why she went to heaven around that time… Along with holiday’s comes all her yummy cooking and those delicious Tamales! Just provide her with a big kitchen and she’ll get to it!
She’s a sucker for romance, especially romantic music. She loves Los Rieleros Del Norte, please make sure their songs are always playing. Now that we mentioned playing, do you believe in gaming? She’s obsessed with Candy Crush, you have to let her play it!
She suffered so much pain down here that all she deserves up there is happiness. She always lived with a strong faith in you, I hope you know she never lost it, because she really loves you.
God…
I’m sure you know it has been 6 month’s since you took her from me and I just want to ask that you please make sure she’s happy.
I pray all her worries and pain are gone.
Oh god, I really, really hope she’s happy, because her happiness is the only thing that keeps me sane since missing someone so special can cause you to go insane.
Tell her that I love her so much and that life here is not the same. Ask her if she’s proud of me and if I’m doing things the right way?
Sincerely;
Your broken child, missing her mother.
Kbeautifulmind

The perfect life

Ever since the early days family or personal problems were something you kept in between closed doors. You don’t speak on these issues because it is not seen as “right” to share them. Even now in days If you have the gut to speak on them you are not high fived for letting it out, if anything you are accused of desiring some kind of attention.
Even though I believe that only somethings are okay to share I don’t agree that nothing should be shared at all. Because if information isn’t shared then how do we learn that these are in deed problems at all?
Ever since I started my blog a lot of people have always asked me why I am the way I am. My boyfriend being one of them because he is a very private person. They have asked why I am not more private about my life and or why do I run a blog that’s almost like a dairy? But what they don’t always see is that I’m actually very private, I choose what I share and I know why I do it. Some might think “Maybe it’s attention she wants?” But attention and pity is the last thing I care to welcome. I just believe that sharing is the easiest way of getting help or appreciation. Its not attention I seek, it’s prevention that I wish to share, for we are all living through something and how do we get through it if we don’t know how? And how do we know how? We know how when we come across someone who has lived it too.
I mean think about it? How did we learn to get through a broken heart? Someone talked us through it.
How have we learned right from wrong? How to or how not to act?
What to take from others and what is not okay?
How did we learn the wrongs of abuse, disrespect, and torture?
How did we learned the cruelties of slavery or the history of the Holocaust?
We learned and continue to learn because stories are told, lives are shared through those that are living it for the reason that when the time comes again when someone or some of us suffer something similar we know how to fight through it and survive it.

-Kbeautifulmind

Constipated

My mom said something to me one night as we sat in the bathroom because the medication wasn’t letting her go. Constipated and tired she was as I sat in the tub reading my book to try and stay awake myself…
She said to me…
“You know it’s kind of cool?”
“That you can’t poop?”
“NO!” (laugh)
I couldn’t help but laugh with her….
Then she got serious…
“It’s kind of cool that God has allowed me the opportunity to know when I’m dying…”
This was only 3 weeks before she died and a week after we had been told that the cancer was now slowly taking over her brain and would someday just shut her down as she died slowly…
Her doctor predicted 3-6 months…
I rolled my eyes and told her “I guess mom, let’s just focus on pooping”
She laughed and said…
“No really!? Think about it? Car accidents, drowning, being murdered, burning or anything that is not any sevier disease just takes you while you had hope that you’d see those you love in a couple of hours or days…. that’s sad death just slaps you in the face!
At least when you know you live everyday like it’s your last, you tell them you love them, and you have no hopes of waking up the next day but you fall asleep with peace in your heart knowing that everyday you did all you had to do to be okay with what is happening…”
“I’m telling you Kelsey, it’s kind of cool”

http://www.refinery29.com/2014/10/75714/brittany-maynard-dignity-death

This video reminded me of my momma. I guess when you get the chance to live like you are dying you understand the value of life and the opportunity to have those you love around you.
I sure as hell know it has changed my whole view on life and as I keep living, I keep learning. I finally see what my mom meant after watching this.
Live life guys and appreciated it, we are really just passing by.

Kbeautifulmind

May you be resting in peace momma♡
I love you and miss you so so much!

I am a Single Mother

In only a couple of days it will be 5 months since my mom has passed. I miss her like crazy everyday and every minute. I wish I could still come home and see her face and hear her voice but I can’t.
I was hoping that since she’d passed I’d be able to avoid hospitals for a while. However I’ve been to three different one’s since. Methodist our near home hospital which I am already familiar with because my mom spend 2 years in and out of there. Huntington Hospital in Pasadena where my sister ended up after being hit by a car (yes unfortunately the bitch is still running loose, I don’t know what is taking so long). Then there is also The children’s hospital of Los Angeles where I now know my way around because my brother has been here since Sunday. If any of you readers care, we are ALL OKAY no need to worry.
I still wish we had never made it to these places anyway. Everything about hospitals creeps me out now. The hallways, elivators, the beds, and the cold feeling you get no matter the temperature outside (102° by the way) and of course that sad feeling you get that you are not here for your mom anymore. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like my body and heart get this hope that they might see her again for a couple of minutes until my mind has to calm it down and say “sorry but she will not be here”.
What really brought me back to reality was when I was filling out the forms for my brothers admittion into the hospital and the man asked me “Are you a single mother or are you married?”
I answered with confusion on my face…
“Ummm, I am his sister”
and he said to me…
“Well of course, but the mother is deceased now and you are his guardian so are you a single mother or are you married?”
And with an empty feeling in my heart I answered “I am a single mother”
I walked out of there almost devistated. Not because I was raising my siblings or anything but because I never thought of it that way, until him. I was now something I never wanted to be. I was now a “Single Mother”. I knew it wasn’t by choice but I began to sort of freak out thinking of all I struggled along side of my single mother and wondered what would happen if I’d also fall in the future causing my siblings to struggle too?
I never could had imagined my life like this, I had a plan and it was destroyed and re written for me. And even though it saddened me and stressed me a lot I told myself as I walked back into my brothers hospital room, “You are a single mother now! Who was raised by one of the warriors of single mothers… You can do this!”
I went from negative to positive in only seconds but my brain was again smacking me out of it saying…
“You got this!”

Feeling positive and trying to stay strong;
Kbeautifulmind

What’s with the miggit?

There is only a couple of people I’ve ever known in my life that like me actually believe that the dreams we have mean something, or are trying to tell us something.
Those people are my friend Dawnn, my uncle Luis and my mom. My mom believed it almost religiously and she was so good at telling you exactly what your dream ment and what you were suppose to get out of it. My uncle and mom had that same gift, I call it a gift because some of the stuff my mom would dream were really clear warnings of something in the future. I swear god put her in this world as a messenger and an angel here to help others. Everyone of her friends including my friend Dawnn would go to her to ask about their dreams. And she was always right.
I got in a big accident back in 2009 and she knew about it like a week before, she didn’t know it be that bad but she kept dreaming stuff that pretty much told her I would be in an accident… weird right?

Since my mom has passed I been really jealous of all other people who have gotten the chance to dream, see and even feel her. I haven’t been as lucky like all of her close friends and my siblings. I have no idea why? My friend told me “Maybe she doesn’t think you are ready yet” and maybe she is right, but I still was jealous of everyone else.

Then the other night I finally felt her in my dream, but unfortunately I didn’t get to see her.

Instead it was a dream I probably would have been very scared of, except that I actually felt her which made it not so scary. It was the weirdest dream ever!

It was a few days before my boyfriend graduated from school, I dreamed that he was telling me that he was not going to graduate because of his hair style, the school was just not allowing it.

So I left the room which was apparently “our” room and I went to go ask someone that was in the room next door “Why can’t he graduate wit his hair style?”

Anyway long story short when I left that room I was walking into my living room to make sure the doors were locked and a miggit popped out of the corner by the door to hug me! Yes you read right a miggit! A little tini person!

If you know me well you know I am scared of little people. No I don’t act rude or scream like a nut job when I see one but I do begin to feel like I am hyperventilating when I am close to one and I have to tell myself to relax.
Why you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA!
Yes, I know they are human too and that there is no reason to be afraid of them but I am terrified! And I am so sorry for that if you are smaller then 4 feet and are thinking “RUDE” I promise I don’t mean no harm, I just get nervous and scared when I see a super small human being.

Anyway back to my dream…

So the miggit popped out of the corner and hugged my legs very very tight, then dropped me to the grown still holding me and that’s when I saw my little brothers face with a little bit of my mom’s face and I asked it…

“Mom is that you?”

And it nodded “Yes!”
My blood pressure began to rise as I wanted to freak out but was also very excited! I grabbed it’s face and mouth and kept saying “Mom is that really you? Say something to me! Talk to me!”

It just stared at me with its mouth wide open, just like my mom looked when she was on her last 3 days as she was gasping for air…

I began to get scared because “it” wouldn’t talk and I said…
“Mom! I’m so sorry! Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Am I making you proud?”

And after every question “it” looked at me with confusion, still hugging me tight nodding it’s head… No…yes… and a faster yes to the last question.

Then I heard my boyfriend’s voice…
“Girlfriend are you okay?”

And the little person, or little Kevin/Mom looked at me with a fear in it’s face like we were going to get caught and said…

“I’m sorry, I need to go… I love you.”

and It was MY mom’s voice! It was her! And “it” disappeared as it left me laying there curled up in a ball hugging myself.

The dream ended with me telling my boyfriend “She was here, why did you come out? Why? Why?” As I cried and cried.

What made it more real was that I woke up at almost 4am and I couldn’t move. I was crying a waterfall of tears and my body was tight and I was still hugging myself and I could still feel the super tight hug that the little person gave me. I cried and I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid because the dream was so weird or happy because I finally felt/heard her. All I knew is that I could not move and I needed to call my boyfriend to tell him but it took me about 10 minutes before I could move.

After I called and woke him, talked and was able to relax I kept thinking “What’s with the miggit mom? What the hell does that mean?” I couldn’t understand why she/god or the dream angel would have me feel/hear her through the body of a little person knowing how afraid I am of them?

And it still doesn’t make sense, except for the idea that maybe she was trying to tell me to “not be afraid of what’s coming”

All I know is that it was weird, yet nice to finally feel her and that I really wished I could run to her room and ask her what the dream ment… But I couldn’t.

Hoping to dream her again soon;
Kbeautifulmind

My 40 days…

It’s been exactly 40 days since my mom passed away.
And the craziest and most overwhelming 40 days off my life.
They say that in other countries like our cultural country and where our family comes from (Zacatecas, Mexico) you morn and don’t do anything at all for the first 40 days. You don’t work, listen to music or watch TV, and you don’t go out much unless it’s needed. You take those days to cry, love your family and those around you and help each other find peace again.
Unfortunately in America, life must go on weather we like it or not…
In my life it started from the night she died…
We started a nine day rosarie which is about an hour long but the food and chatter makes people stay for like 3 hours. It then went to all the people that surronded me asking if I needed anything or giving their condolences, to all the family at our house with total different personalities causing them to argue and what not about their different views on everything, to my grandma asking me every night “Why was I creamating my mom for it is not the CATHOLIC thing to do.”
Then after those two weeks, I was left all alone with the boys making me kind of miss all the comotion.
Then our own comotion started up again as I heard them cry, scream, fight and I even got the whole “You are not my mom” card from my youngest brother and the older one tried to pull the “I am running away” card.
And all along I had to deal with my own emotions on top of it all and people… lot’s of people! As well as all the crazy paper work that comes a long with the death of someone. From taking c.ustody, to bills, the housing arrangement and closing down any accounts of her’s and so on.
It all can get very overwhelming but it also can make you realize that life goes on. That not just because you wish to pause and freeze for a little to take a breath means that everyone else will stop with you… sadly in that sense you are on your own.
Anyway back to the people, oh the people there is friends of my own, my mom’s close friends, our family and all the fake nosey people who want to know just how you are going to do it all on your own. Either way everyone worries about you, they all stress for you, some of them making you feel bad because you can’t cure their sadness and you almost feel like you have to help them.
And of course there is work and school and just flat out LIFE.
Then there is the quite moments, from the minute you wake up and realize it is all real or that minute right before you go to bed when it all hits you the hardest.

I have to admit even though those are the times I am the most sad, they are also my most favorite times of all.

And on top of it ALL, I have felt nothing but guilt, and anger because I couldn’t help my mommy any further to help her get better. I thought that if I was good, if I listened to the doctors, if I followed all the rules, maybe we can turn this thing around… just maybe she’ll get better!

But she didn’t, and fourthy days later on top of all the comotion it still sucks that I have to do all of this with out her here.
She is the reason for my sadness and weakness as well as what keeps me pushing.

Missing my Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭

“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”

Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012

They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies that were a success and she took them like a champ.

She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.

Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.

The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.

She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.

In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”

As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.

She was doing so good for about a month and a half.

On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.

We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…

But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.

I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.

My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.

I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.

Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.

She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.

I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.

R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014

Until we meet again momma…

Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)

Take it easy on yourself!

“When all goes bad, and you think it’ll never get better just remember; Everything happens for a reason, and It will all get better in time.”- unknown

Hello readers!:)
My blog before this was going to be a very nasty(mean) reply to some idiot who decided it was funny to say something stupid to me on here but I learned that these are people from the past who are in the past for a reason even though they can’t seem to accept it….
So in a better mood and mindset…

Ever have days when you see your life flash before your eyes with “What if’s” and how your life could have been if somethings wouldn’t have happened or wouldn’t be happening?

I have days like that, especially seeing on how much my life has changed over the past three years…

Before three years ago, I had a plan for everything School, Family, my future, love, friends and over all my entire life.

I guess I figured that as long as I stuck to the plan nothing could ever go wrong. I didn’t think I ever gave love or friends a reason to hurt and betray me. I never thought I could posably hurt anyone I loved with all my life. I never believed my mom would be hit with this ugly cancer “I mean there is no way right after all the things we have been through “Not us” right?” I figured things can’t ever get worse for me right? and my plans with my education did not go as planned either.

I tought I had it all figured out from never moving back home to when I would have all my degrees and jobs by to when I would start my future with a family and kids and a just “Oh so wonderful life” I truly had it all figured out, but I was partly wrong…

I guess I have learned that anything really CAN happen. That people will hurt you and that its natural to screw things up because we are all human. I learned that god will test your faith and throw off your path to see if you keep pushing to find your way.

Now dont think I’ve lost my focus… unlike others my dreams are still the same. I still want to end up in forensic psychology. My goal is to get into the criminal field as soon as possible and Im still pushing for degrees all the way till my PH.D, I still more then anything want a family of my own and a wonderful husband to share that with. I still believe in loving till death and getting married at church someday because I found my teammate and partner in crime not for any other reason. I believe in the mac to my cheese and that nothing will ever separate what we represent. And I still like always pray for all of those around me and that god allows my family and I to share a long and beautiful life together before death knocks at our doors.

and Im okay because I know that no matter what has happened if your patient everything will fall into place…

I mean yes its human nature to always wonder “What if?” I had or hadnt done that or said this or that instead…

However if your reading this and you can relate just remember…

Even when it seems like you see the end of a road it really isnt. EVERYTHING truly does happen for a reason, and whats ment to be will happen no matter what.

So, take it easy on yourself (I know its hard trust me) Take it easy on the past, dont dwell and wish it all the best, my favorite thing to say to the past and all bad is… “82 kisses and many good wishes”. Dont try to make sense of it all because it probably will NEVER make sense anyway, dont allow it to stay because the past can haunt like a ghost if you allow it.

You just have to relax, live by the moment and try to enjoy the ride. Let go of everything internally and put it in gods hands (or who/whatever you believe in)

And finally what I seem to find really hard to do but I know will help me and anyone else…

Let go of the need to evaluate and analyse everything that has happened or will happen in your life!

Sending you peaceful vibes;
Kbeautifulmind

The perfect world

My Perfect World:

If I could summarize for you guys the idea of a perfect world to me would be a world released from hate and pain, a world with lessons of life to better you, a world with out fears and enough peace, hope and faith for everyone to spare. A perfect world for me would be to be able to LIVE where death is an accident or naturally dying from age and not provoked from a disease, illness, or hate from other humans in our planet, a perfect world would be where as the equal chance we all get to live is the same equal chance we get to die.

“I don’t think you should die until you’re ready. Until you’ve wrung out every last bit of living you can.”

About two months ago a friend and almost like family member very dear to my heart passed away and only a couple of days later I got the saddest news in my life time I’d never thought Id face, and the truth I was mad. I was mad to see such a beautiful, smart loving women leave us! I was so mad to see such wonderful people suffer with the pain in their aching hearts! Mad to see a mother cry, children suffer from the hurt, so many people to still love her and in need to have her by their side were crying and hurting for the lost of such angel and I couldn’t do anything but be there for them… and even than I knew that this was not enough. Then as I’m sitting there trying to be strong and support her loved ones I get a call that feels like a sequel of a movie of the journey I just traveled with these people and I cant stop myself from letting go! From being mad to super angry from wanting to see god in the face and say “What the hell is your problem! Why are you taking them from us!”

and I cried my heart out and I screamed for days and I wanted answers and I said “Why is this stupid disease even on this planet?” “Who the hell is responsible? Bring him/her here so I can destroy them with my bare hands!”

I was so hurt, in so much pain and over all I still had faith in god and I begged him “Please lord if you have ever heard me before heel our hearts from the situation we can no longer control and give us strength for the one that is coming our way”

The truth is I knew better than to blame anyone including god for this, I knew better than to loose faith but I felt on the edge. The truth what made me so mad is that I felt so helpless, useless to it all and all I wanted to do was fix it and I couldn’t and still can’t….

People would tell me “Everything will be okay” and I wanted to curse at them and say ” How do you f%^$en know that!?” but at the same time I was telling others in pain that everything would be okay…

Because the truth is I know it will…

Because as beautiful somethings in life, on this planet can be; Like giving a hug, getting a kiss, sharing a laugh, falling in love, forgiving those you love and making a memory… This is NOT where we belong we are just temporary ordinary people living in a planet were we are building our road to the opening gates where we will be welcomed to join all our lost loved ones for eternal living.

And weather you believe in God, Budah, Jesus, The Easter bunny, a fairy, witches or even Satan… one thing is always true…

YOU only get as much as you can handle and your struggles are only what will build you and make you a better person than who you were yesterday.

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” -Unknown

Therefor as hypocrite as I may sound because I really cant help but loose it sometimes, I truly believe in this quote and know that I am strong and I know that I only get what I can handle and that there is a reason for everything and that god (in my case) will help me through it as it all falls back into place. I also know that all our loved ones are now watching over us as they may no longer be with us but will forever be in our memories and hearts till we meet again.

Thank you all again for reading;

kbeautifulmind

This blog is dedicated to all my friends and family who still hurt to the lost of auntie Debbie.

May you all find peace and know I am here for all of you, if you ever need anything, and remember she is smiling and watching over us as she waits to have us in her arms again.