I could sleep with you, I could.

I could sleep with you, I could.

I could kiss you, and get a taste of your delicious tongue as it unravels in my mouth and plays along with mine.

I could tear your shirt off of your body with out anticipation where beneath just lays another human body.

I could rip off your pants with the guts the alcohol has helped me build and pleasure you like you’ve never been pleasured before.

I could sleep with you, I could.

I could have your head wrapped around my legs and have you pleasure me,  and if you’re any good allowing you to see my body lose it’s self with your touch.

I could let you inside of me, as our naked bodies move to different beats until we climax.

I could sleep with you, I could.

But, I’m not looking for someone to just sleep with.

I want someone worth knowing, someone I could lay it all on the line for and take a chance with.

I could sleep with you, I could.

But, then again…

I could sleep with anyone.

-Kbeautifulmind

Closing down the love factory…

I have a couple close friends I talk to on a daily basis.

I am a horrible at texting at times and I almost never answer my phone, but they manage to work with me and I work with them.

We all put in a lot of effort to keep in touch throughout the days even if we don’t see each other constantly.

No one plays victim, or whines about how I or THEY are “horrible” friends.

Why? well because we are grown and mature enough to know that it’s all a part of being an adult.

Anyway… we will save that topic for another blog.

So…

My point was…

I have one girlfriend that in a sense loves like I do…

Hopelessly.

She like I… is a poet, an artist, and the a big hopeless romantic.

So guess what our main topics usually consists of?

L O V E

and

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

One of our most frustrating struggles is that we care too much.

We are woman who will fight and do whatever it takes to make things right.

We over love at times and we over push to make things right.

We visit the past all the time, and we try to find the closure we “feel” we need.

Yes I said feel, and I say this because we both know very well that not every situation needs closure or a happy ending…

But…

our big hearts, our personas, or our souls just don’t allow us to live by this motto.

Instead we wait for the apology we might never get, we want to stay friends with people we dated, and we think everyone is some how meant to stay in our lives.

I know, we are a bit crazy.

or…

we just love too hard?

Not sure.

I think we just see the good in the ugly.

Anyway, we aren’t like stokers or anything… so don’t freak out ha ha.

So in the middle of our conversation the other day…

I was explaining to her how I do not understand how people can become involved with you, come into your life or path, and just hurt you?
or…
Just cut you off and leave you there like some slap of ribs on the floor for the dogs to eat, without some kind of peace treaty or closure?

I guess I just don’t have it in me to hurt people in such selfish way.

I mean, I know I’ve broken hearts and I’ve had my share of rejecting…

but, usually I make sure that it’s understood and it’s ended peacefully.

I guess that’s the part of me that expects every situation to end in a happy ending.

If it was up to me, every single person I’ve ever dated (except for like two of them) would still be my friend.

Those that have hurt me would have apologized and we’d leave things in a peaceful treaty.

We’d pass by each other on the streets and say hello, or maybe even grab coffee and catch up once in a while…

Those that have said “I want to stay friends” would mean it and actually check up on me once in a while and see how I am doing…

But, realistically that is impossible.

and…

probably not healthy ha ha.

So in the conversation I made a joke but, serious statement where I told her; “I am closing down the love factory, for a bit.”

She laughed and said; “Me too! Before I become one of those bitter chicks.”

I laughed and said; “Yeah, we don’t want to become that…”

However, that is definitely not my reason why.

I have made this decision for a couple good reasons and have decided to make it a firm promise.

Now, If the “one” were to come knocking on my door, I wouldn’t be like “LEAVE.” Ha.
But…

I just feel like my desire for having “someone” is no longer as big as my desire for happiness.

I actually enjoy being alone.

I have always enjoyed it.

I love to shop alone, I don’t mind enjoying a meal for one, and I’ll even go to a movie alone without a care in the world.

However, sometimes it’s nice to have someone to talk to, to share with, to face time, and to adventure with.

So I am not “shutting out” on love and the hope to find someone to team up with in this cruel world.

But, I am directing my focus on other things for the mean time.

I’d like to put all my time and heart into my career.

I love the field I am studying, and I am eager to start practicing it as soon as possible.

I want to travel, take on new hobbies, and rekindle the old ones I have lost touch with.

I want to be joyful, I want to be happy and truly satisfied with myself.

I will say, getting your heart-broken makes you a bit disappointed and hopeless…

But, it also teaches you a lot and I have built so much self-love, peace, and strength that my only desire is to continue to grow and build that even stronger.

I want to be so good with just me, that I never forget my worth and how valuable I am.

This is important, for the reason that the person I settle down with someday has to be at my same level.

I refuse to settle.

I want to build a strong empire someday, a team so strong that it can conquer anything life throws at us.

For that goal, I know I must first be good with myself.

So good that I know and any one that I come across will know…

that I will not settle for anything less.

I refuse to mess this vision up, or cloud it with anyone one that I KNOW just doesn’t fit the standard.

As our generation would say “No more fuck boys”

But in my words…

No more games, or unsure feelings.

What I will accept right now is friendships, true genuine friendships…

If with time something builds from one of them or someone comes along worthy of my commitment then, I will be so good with myself that I will be capable of loving them like they deserve.

Looking forward to the re-opening of the love factory,

Kbeautfulmind

What causes significant others to act “crazy”

I have the worst cough of life currently and this morning, I just didn’t want to go to school.

My professor is a bit of a push over when it comes to attendance and she takes points off your next exam if you are not attending class. (What are we? High school students?)

So… I made the best of it, got up and took my little bottom to class.

I sat in traffic for about an hour only to arrive to school to see a note on the door that said…

“Class has been cancelled”

My first thought…

“ARE YOU F#$*in’ kidding me!?”

I wasn’t upset because class was cancelled, I was up set because there was a “paper” that notified me instead of a morning email, or Black Board post.

But, I didn’t let it ruin my day.

Instead I took advantage of the moment and went into the Financial Aid office as I had been meaning to ask them a question about my loans.

Sorry I’m rambling on…

Anyway, as I stood in line minding my own business, looking into my three email accounts, my blog traffic (all you cool people reading), Twitter, Instagram, and even Facebook (I rarely go on Facebook)…

I over hear the conversation in front of me…

This guy was on the phone and all I could hear was him say…

“Are you serious Ann? I was in class and since I am already hear I decided to stop by the office, I am not lying to you. When you ask where I was, I really was in class! Do you need a picture or something?”

The the woman on the other end of the phone said… “No… maybe, well just tell me the truth next time.” (You’d be surprised how loud some phones are now in days)

He clicked on her, and embarrassingly looks at me and says… “She’s “crazy,” she wants a picture of me at the fafsa office!?”

I couldn’t help but answer and say… “Is that what she said?”

He said… “No, well she said maybe but, REALLY!?”

I shrugged my shoulder and said… “Has she always been this way? or what did you do to get there?” (The shrink in me made me say it.)

In that moment I realized I was getting too involved and he realized he was being too open to some stranger.

“I’m sorry, I apologized, don’t answer that… but good luck.”

and… I went to ask the lady the question I had.

I left and that was the end of that.

Well of the conversation, at least.

On my walk back to my car, I thought about it and said; “Poor guy…”

I also remembered I’ve been there and know a lot of men and women who have been there too.

Not all at the same extremes but, I think a lot of you can agree… many of us have been there.

I felt so bad for “Ann” and this random guy because they were unhappy and their relationship was suffering, the same way my previous serious relationship once was…

You see, I believe trust is like a piece of paper, once its crumbled, ripped, teared…

no matter how hard you try to straighten up the paper it will never be back to the form of when you first had it.

However, I am a big believer in building it up to almost perfection and moving forward with it.

So… to the topic…

What is it that causes significant others to act “crazy” or to check up on each other to the extremes of asking for proof, or checking emails, calls, text messages and social media?

Well there is…

  1. The person did something for you to miss trust them, like (cheating, lying, etc.) so you now feel like anything they say is not true. (I’ve been here)
  2. Your insecurities are so low and you have trust issues from previous relationships so you act like your walking on egg shells from the start of the relationship to make sure that you are five steps ahead of them.
  3. You have cheated yourself or been a constant liar that you know what “people” are capable of… (This is guilt by the way)
  4. You been hurt, plenty of times, or very badly so you believe that EVERYONE is going to hurt you, or “All MEN/WOMEN are the same”

and of course there is many more…

but my focus here is; How can we change this?

How can we build that trust so that we are not like this with our significant other or so that we are not like this with someone new?

Well… here is my perspective on it…

  1. So you been cheated on, lied to… but you love him/her and maybe you feel that it was a one time mistake. You want to move past it and work on bettering your relationship…

After all, that’s why most of us stay right?

At least it should be, however most people don’t stay because they truly love the person. They stay because they are insecure, they don’t think they will find anyone better, or they don’t like change and breaking up with someone you have build so much with and starting over is a bit scary. Right?

I’ve been there, but if these are the reasons why you are staying… DON’T.

I’m not telling you to give up, if you think you can work through it, then do it!

But if you are going to be like “crazy” Ann, you will only be hurting yourself in the long run. Because that person may truly be sorry for what they did, and they will do all they can to prove it to you but you will never fully accept their apology.

Because you are sticking around for all of the wrong reasons.

They say “Love can conquer all

and I believe this is very true…

when there is true, genuine, and honest love, you CAN over come anything but it has to be real!

You have to be willing to truly forgive them and move forward together.

2. Your insecurities are so low and you have trust issues from previous relationships. You act like your walking on egg shells from the start of the relationship to make sure that you are five steps ahead of them.

There is no harm in this, right? Your’e looking out for yourself, what’s wrong with that?

Well for starters, it’s not fair to the new person.

It’s like punishing someone for a crime they never committed.

To top it off, your insecurities poke out through your clothes, and there is nothing more un attractive than this kind of “crazy.”

No one new in your life, trying to get to know you wants to hear, “All women are sluts,” “All men cheat and are dogs.

It’s flat out, gross and a turn off.

YOU ARE KILLING THE MOOD

To top it off, this person likes YOU, they WANT to get to know you, don’t they deserve to know the best side of you or the best you can be and have to offer them.

So if this is you, you are not ready to move on.

Take sometime to yourself and tame that crazy.

Build up yourself esteem, forgive the one/ones who hurt you, learn to love yourself again, and change that mind set.

Make yourself realize that you are NOT walking on egg shells and that you are going to be alright.

Accept that the world does have crappy people, but there is also a lot of good men/women out there that will not hurt you.

3. You have cheated yourself or been a constant liar that you know what “people” are capable of…

This one is just sad.

You need to understand not everyone cheats and lies.

and if you have always been a constant cheater or a liar, than you need to work on that and yourself to figure out why you do it.

If you made a mistake ones, stop with the guilt trip. Accept you made a mistake in your past, move forward from it and don’t make the mistake again.

It’s about believing in yourself again, building that self love that will help you make better choices and will help your partner also accept that you are a changed person.

Being afraid someone will do to you like you did to them and someone else… well it’s pretty normal because with all do respect… karma is a b#%ch.

But if you continue to live in that fear of “when” is karma going to get you… well you are not living.

It’s not fair for the other person.

4. You been hurt plenty of times, or very badly so you believe that EVERYONE is going to hurt you, or “All MEN/WOMEN are the same”

Alright this one drives me insane!

First of all it’s such a turn off, and it’s the one that alerts people about you the most, it’s like wearing a sign on your four head that says “I AM INSECURE,” or “I AM DAMAGED

The thing is we’ve all been here. Getting hurt freaked stinks!

Nothing about getting cheated on, rejected, or lead on is fun… NOTHING.

But, it’s also life! You must be so comfortable in your own skin (build self love) to accept that, nothing is forever, people can and will hurt you but, you can’t go your whole life mad at the world for it or holding every other human being accountable for the mistakes of others.

It makes you UGLY.

and no one, I mean NO ONE wants to be with someone ugly.

You can be a 10+ on the out side, the hottest man/woman that walked this earth…

but if your insides are “ugly” you just became like a -5

So how do you fix this?

Well, first off stop categorizing everyone into titles because they remind you of the past or because of what you’ve been through.

You know the saying… “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”?

Apply that to your way of viewing people and accept that yes in deed they have the same chance of hurting you just like the last person did, BUT they just might not.

Second of all… two words… ” Self Love

There is nothing hotter/sexier than a person who loves themselves, is confident, and KNOWS that they are amazing, that what they have to offer is good, and that if in deed the person rejects them, hurts them, leads them on, or cheats/lies to them…

Then it’s their lost…

and in this moment you should know the difference between a “mistake” which people do make…

or…

someone who just doesn’t care about you.

That’s when you can decide to walk away and allow yourself to find someone better, someone worth it, or you can maybe see that they made a mistake and they indeed do love you…

and maybe they are worth the second chance?

The ball is in your court…

Just stop being “crazy” and by crazy I mean stop blaming others, punishing others, and hurting them as well as yourself.

It is not fair to YOU or THEM.

You both deserve to be happy, no matter who hurt who.

Until next time,

-Kbeautifulmind

Friendship is the fuel.
It’s what makes things start right, what helps things build into becoming something unbreakable.
Physical attraction is the base, it’s what draws you in, but friendship is the fuel.
Intamacy strikes the match, passion remains the fire but, friendship…
Friendship is the fuel, the fuel is needed in order for things to go anywhere.
-Kbeautifulmind

Let’s start in the middle

Let’s skip the beginning where games lay and you suppress your feelings.
Let’s start in the middle; where you share your fears, goals, and dreams and you are open to love and the idea of laying next to me.
Let’s start in the middle, where toying around won’t define your ability to catch feelings and games won’t cloud our vision from seeing a happy ending.

-Kbeautifulmind

Crazy Women

Crazy Women,
Don’t let the world make you stiff.
A man has made you believe that you are insane, as he confused you into disbelief.
Causing you to confuse hardness for strenght, silly woman you are not crazy!
You see, we as people label those who are more knowledgeable than we are “insane” because we are envious of their gifts and strenghts.
Your inability to feel and understand is considered an ability to survive.
So let him call you crazy, for it only means he is no fool, and he knows what your capable of and that nothing can get through you.
He knows you are real, as real as they get, and that you are gifted to feel emotions some can’t yet comprehend.
So go ahead and feel deeply girl, and cry, laugh, love how you need to and proudly be “crazy.”
Because you should be smart enough to know that your strenght is not defined by your emotions and neither is your insanity.
It’s called being human.

-Kbeautifulmind

“I’m surprised you don’t have a boyfriend yet?”

Why do dudes say shit like this?

It’s like saying you “NEED” a boyfriend, or there is something wrong with you because you don’t have a boyfriend.

I don’t NEED a boyfriend, as a matter of fact I don’t even WANT a boyfriend.

What can a boyfriend do for me that I can’t do for myself?

What I’d like someday is a partnership
I’d like a teammate…
Someone who has my back, who supports me, appreciates me, respects me, acknowledges me, and is going to be my partner in crime.
Someone who won’t run when life gets hard, who won’t give up on me, who will respect me even if I’m not present, and who will stick besides me hand in hand.
Someone who won’t try to run me, or make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
Someone who has his own persona and understands I have mine.
Someone who I can trust and believe in.
Someone who is my escape, where I feel better even when the rest of my world seems like it’s crashing down.

I want a real teammate, a best friend, a real guy who is truly down for me.

I don’t NEED or WANT a boyfriend…
I’m too old for that childish shit.
I’m not looking for someone to run, control, or have on some leash.
I want true monogomy and respect.
I want a partnership.
-Kbeautifulmind

Please don’t let me get one of those…

Today I want to talk about cheating.

I know it’s sadly pretty normal now in days in today’s society, but is it really a fairy tale to hope for someone who only has eye’s for you?

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I went to my first Dodger game of the season, since I’m finally out of school for the summer and I LOVE my boys in blue.

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While enjoying my Friday night, I experienced a very awkward situation. I had experienced stuff like this before, however sitting there for three hours feeling WEIRD, really pissed me off.

And all I could think was… “Lord, all I ask is that you please don’t let me get one of those.”

Anyway, to my story…

So I’m sitting their watching the Game with my brother and this man keeps looking at me. Not looking at me like I look familiar, or like there is something on my face. Looking at me, like in his mind he was un dressing me with his eyes, and he was imagining exactly what he could do with me if he had the chance. I discreetly watched him as he’d check out the tits on another girl, the ass and hips on another one. But since I was in the row in front of him and his FAMILY to the side, he’d watch the game, look over at me, and smile.

Now his family was pretty big, he had three boys and a beautiful little girl about age five. His wife was very pretty, but insecurity and discomfort bleed through her pours.
I could tell just by analyzing them, he was a cheater and she dealt with it.
She looked over at me a couple of times as she watched him look, and would just look down on her phone.
I paid no attention to him, never once gave him the attention he was looking for, and one time I even gave him a dirty look.
Because he was dirty to me, and it was very upsetting to see how he was acting.

I wanted to tell him something so bad!
I wanted to tell her, “You are SO BEAUTIFUL, why do you allow this?”

But all I could do was pray, and in that moment I said to god.
“Look god, I KNOW cheating is pretty normal nowindays, and MAYBE we humans were not meant to be tied down to one person since we seem to get bored easily, BUT some of us really do desire a healthy marriage and a team mate who only has eye’s for us. Now I know to an extent it’s normal to look, we all do it BUT please, please god, if marriage is in my destiny, don’t let me get one of those.”

What scares me and makes me want to shut down is that I see it all the time…

On Facebook I have friend’s who shout out their men with statuses like “You are the best husband I could ever ask for.”
Yet we know he sleeps around.

On instagram woman quote to be so happy with their men…
Yet he is sending private messages to us single girls, and has no pictures of her on his IG.

Of course in part, those single girls who go along with it are JUST as wrong, but in the end it’s no one’s fault that his eyes are wondering and his mind wants to act on it.

Love is one of the scariest things in the world.
I use to love the idea of falling in love so much, and the thought of meeting the one would make me so happy.

If I’m being honest, now it scares the crap out of me.

I no longer desire marriage and kids as much as I use to.

-Kbeautifulmind