Tag: couples

Cleaning up

I was cleaning up my phone yesterday…

I am running out of memory and I needed to clean out my back up files…

I came across our pictures.

All the good times, the laughs, the talks…

right there in one file.

I wasn’t sure of what to do next, I wanted to delete them but, then I didn’t.

I smiled when I saw them but, then I frowned.

I can’t seem to understand what happened?

I was so sure of our bond, and your purpose in my life.

I thought we’d be at least friends, always.

I was cleaning up my phone yesterday…

I came across our pictures, realizing they are now just memories…

only to find myself missing you again.

-Kbeautifulmind

Closing down the love factory…

I have a couple close friends I talk to on a daily basis.

I am a horrible at texting at times and I almost never answer my phone, but they manage to work with me and I work with them.

We all put in a lot of effort to keep in touch throughout the days even if we don’t see each other constantly.

No one plays victim, or whines about how I or THEY are “horrible” friends.

Why? well because we are grown and mature enough to know that it’s all a part of being an adult.

Anyway… we will save that topic for another blog.

So…

My point was…

I have one girlfriend that in a sense loves like I do…

Hopelessly.

She like I… is a poet, an artist, and the a big hopeless romantic.

So guess what our main topics usually consists of?

L O V E

and

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

One of our most frustrating struggles is that we care too much.

We are woman who will fight and do whatever it takes to make things right.

We over love at times and we over push to make things right.

We visit the past all the time, and we try to find the closure we “feel” we need.

Yes I said feel, and I say this because we both know very well that not every situation needs closure or a happy ending…

But…

our big hearts, our personas, or our souls just don’t allow us to live by this motto.

Instead we wait for the apology we might never get, we want to stay friends with people we dated, and we think everyone is some how meant to stay in our lives.

I know, we are a bit crazy.

or…

we just love too hard?

Not sure.

I think we just see the good in the ugly.

Anyway, we aren’t like stokers or anything… so don’t freak out ha ha.

So in the middle of our conversation the other day…

I was explaining to her how I do not understand how people can become involved with you, come into your life or path, and just hurt you?
or…
Just cut you off and leave you there like some slap of ribs on the floor for the dogs to eat, without some kind of peace treaty or closure?

I guess I just don’t have it in me to hurt people in such selfish way.

I mean, I know I’ve broken hearts and I’ve had my share of rejecting…

but, usually I make sure that it’s understood and it’s ended peacefully.

I guess that’s the part of me that expects every situation to end in a happy ending.

If it was up to me, every single person I’ve ever dated (except for like two of them) would still be my friend.

Those that have hurt me would have apologized and we’d leave things in a peaceful treaty.

We’d pass by each other on the streets and say hello, or maybe even grab coffee and catch up once in a while…

Those that have said “I want to stay friends” would mean it and actually check up on me once in a while and see how I am doing…

But, realistically that is impossible.

and…

probably not healthy ha ha.

So in the conversation I made a joke but, serious statement where I told her; “I am closing down the love factory, for a bit.”

She laughed and said; “Me too! Before I become one of those bitter chicks.”

I laughed and said; “Yeah, we don’t want to become that…”

However, that is definitely not my reason why.

I have made this decision for a couple good reasons and have decided to make it a firm promise.

Now, If the “one” were to come knocking on my door, I wouldn’t be like “LEAVE.” Ha.
But…

I just feel like my desire for having “someone” is no longer as big as my desire for happiness.

I actually enjoy being alone.

I have always enjoyed it.

I love to shop alone, I don’t mind enjoying a meal for one, and I’ll even go to a movie alone without a care in the world.

However, sometimes it’s nice to have someone to talk to, to share with, to face time, and to adventure with.

So I am not “shutting out” on love and the hope to find someone to team up with in this cruel world.

But, I am directing my focus on other things for the mean time.

I’d like to put all my time and heart into my career.

I love the field I am studying, and I am eager to start practicing it as soon as possible.

I want to travel, take on new hobbies, and rekindle the old ones I have lost touch with.

I want to be joyful, I want to be happy and truly satisfied with myself.

I will say, getting your heart-broken makes you a bit disappointed and hopeless…

But, it also teaches you a lot and I have built so much self-love, peace, and strength that my only desire is to continue to grow and build that even stronger.

I want to be so good with just me, that I never forget my worth and how valuable I am.

This is important, for the reason that the person I settle down with someday has to be at my same level.

I refuse to settle.

I want to build a strong empire someday, a team so strong that it can conquer anything life throws at us.

For that goal, I know I must first be good with myself.

So good that I know and any one that I come across will know…

that I will not settle for anything less.

I refuse to mess this vision up, or cloud it with anyone one that I KNOW just doesn’t fit the standard.

As our generation would say “No more fuck boys”

But in my words…

No more games, or unsure feelings.

What I will accept right now is friendships, true genuine friendships…

If with time something builds from one of them or someone comes along worthy of my commitment then, I will be so good with myself that I will be capable of loving them like they deserve.

Looking forward to the re-opening of the love factory,

Kbeautfulmind

Keep going.
The pain will pass.

I know it’s hard…
I know the tunnel seems long…
I know the tunnel is dark…
I know the tunnel makes you feel frightened…
I know it feels like you will never get to the other end…
I know it seems like the light is too far away…

But, keep going.
The pain will pass.
-Kbeautifulmind
image

One of the hardest things on this earth for me, is seeing people suffer.
I want to help EVERYONE.
I want to help all of those I love that are in pain.
I want to help strangers, when I come across them and see that they are in pain.
Shoot… I want to help the people I see on “TV” that are in pain.
But, I know that I can’t help everyone.
I can’t heel everyone.
But maybe, just maybe…
My words will encourage as many people as possible.
Hang in there ya’ll.
Whatever it is, even if it doesn’t seem like it…
It WILL pass.
As long as you don’t give up!

A question from a reader…

Tonight I received another “critic”

One of my readers asked me…

“Why are you so bitter about your last relationship?

I understand cheating is wrong, but do you ever think that maybe he just didn’t love you anymore?”

I don’t want to sound mean but, you really need to move on and let him be happy!”

Now I wasn’t going to respond to this, because obviously my “reader” is not a big fan of my writing…

But, eh why not?

So…

I’d like to start by defending myself a little and state that I have moved on.

I am very proud to say that I have taken it into my own hands and forgave him for all of the pain he caused me.

To tell you the truth, I’ve never been happier. Honest to god!

However, I understand why my post about infidelity make me seem “bitter.”

So let me address it for you.

I am not bitter, and the pain I had felt was not because, he no longer “loves” me.

Also in my defense, I have never done anything to bother him, or hold him back from his happiness.

When I think of a cheater, I think of a student glancing at her/his notes under the desk very quickly because she can’t seem to remember the term she studied about for hours!

I think of a card player winning a game of Black Jack only because he counted the cards.

You see, this action that ruins relationships between two people who have promised a commitment to each other isn’t “cheating.”

This action is more like…

Lying, betrayal, disrespect, abuse, broken, murder, selfishness, and of course weakness.

So, my dear reader…

The pain I or ANYONE has felt after being “Cheated” on isn’t a reaction of “not wanting to move on” OR not accepting that maybe he “just didn’t love me anymore.”

If I am being honest, I think I’ll never know if he actually loved me.

I know he loved the idea of me?

I just don’t believe you can intentionally hurt someone when you love them.

You don’t kill the persons trust for you when you love someone.

When you truly LOVE, you don’t intentionally hurt the person in the same way more than once.

As I was saying…

Cheating is so painful because it makes the one being cheated on feel like they were at fault.

You see…

You fall in love with someone who could never and has never loved you back.

You make excuses, you defend, and you protect this person.

You FIGHT with all your might to try to convince not only those around you but, YOURSELF that he/she is better than how they are representing themselves.

You fight for the good you see in them, until the ugly over powers you and smacks you down on your ass.

Then…

You feel like an idiot.

You feel stupid, low, ashamed, and embarrassed.

You begin to regret all the chances you gave them, and start asking yourself… ‘What were you thinking?”

You are left there to pick up the pieces up on your own.

It ends up being all on you to accept the apology you might never receive, to forgive someone who doesn’t need your forgiveness, and to forget.

Now, I don’t mean forget as in forget about the person… because once you’ve seen how bad they are for you, that is not so hard.

But, forget as in forget all the fight you gave, only to lose.

I never thought of myself as a woman who makes bad choices…

So, when I was left alone to accept that this time around I had…

I guess it tends to make you a bit “bitter” so you say.

So to answer your question…

“I am not “bitter” about getting “cheated” on, I am disappointed I fought for something that wasn’t worth fighting for and that is what my posts are about.

-Kbeautfiulmind

“You make me better”

The other day I had a conversation with a friend, and she was sharing something with me. In the convo she stated that her significant other had once told her…

“I love you, because you make me a better person.”

So after we hung up, I got to thinking and I went back in time for a bit.
I thought of the two serious relationships I’ve had, the little ones I’ve had and even back to my first boyfriend I ever had.
I thought of them all… one by one.
I found myself wondering if they ever made me better?
or
If I ever made them better?

Of course the first boyfriend and little relationships before my junior year were more of a… joke?
I don’t know if that’s the proper word? (I don’t want to sound mean)
But, they weren’t serious at all, we were kids, or they weren’t long enough to be anything.

However, I did think of one person I dated or “talked” to in H.S, and I can definetly say he made me “better” or had a positive impact in my life.
He was a Senior and I was a freshmen, and he had it all together. He knew what he wanted out of life, and just what he had to do to accomplish his goals.
He was an athlete and very involved in other school activities.
Even though our relationship only grew into a friendship, I continued to learn a lot from him.
I can honestly say that after him…
I began to really jot down my career ideas, what I wanted out of life, and how I was going to accomplish it all.
and till this day…
We are actually still friends, we always check up on each other, and he is currently attending Medical School.
He has always been a true inspiration.

However, I couldn’t get myself to find an exact thing that made me better while I was in any of my relationships…
and I honestly don’t think I ever told any one  “You make me a better person.”

But I knew that it didn’t mean they didn’t, I spend a long time in two serious relationships so there was something that definetly kept me there.

The first serious one will always be the most caring, and sweetest relationship.
He was my highschool sweetheart.
And even though I always wanted more “us” and less “us and friends…”

He was honest, loving, and truly loved me unconditionally.
We were just on different roads for the future, and different ideas on what we wanted.
I guess you can say our maturity levels drove us apart.

After it ended…
I could probably say he made me caring, and if I took anything from this…
would be that he made me know exactly HOW I want to be loved and how I DESERVE to be loved.
The love was true and pure.
We were just kids, but I know it was real.
and I rememeber him saying…
“Someday you’ll KNOW my love was true.”
and that someday definetly came.

The second one, well…

It helped me find my cultural identity.
One good thing is that, I learned how to love my roots and to really enjoy where I come from.
We shared the same religious believes, he turned up the Spanish music when it was on the radio, our conversations were never boring, and we had a lot of similarities…
It felt like “home.”
But the lies ruined it.

After it ended…
I call this one “The best thing I never had.”
It made me realize how important my independence was to me, and it taught me what I don’t want in a relationship. It opened my eyes to see how important honesty is to me, as well as team work.
It also made me realize that in my hectic life, there was no room for weakness, insecurities, and fear.

The two lovers were very different, but together they did make me better. Through the good and all of the bad…
Thanks to them I learned exactly what I want in a romantic relationship, and even though one had more good than the other they both taught me a lot.

My next question was, did I make them better?

Well, it wouldn’t be fair to sit here and be conceded and say that I did…

“I’m the best thing you ever had!!”
Lmfao Just kidding!

But I do rememeber being told that I did, and remembering that was very pleasing.
I remembered all the times I shared with both of them and how I encouraged them to never give up on their education, to strive for more, to be positive, etc.
I rememeber the first guy wrote an essay for school about me and how much of a positive impact I had in his life.
(I still have it, in my “Highschool Memory Box”)
He laminated it and gave it to me.

The second guy said it a couple times, but then again when it ends so bad you can’t help but wonder what was true and what was a lie?
But with this guy, I know I did a lot for him, because I might have tried a little harder. I learned from my first relationship that I use to give up to easily.

Anyway, after that conversation and thinking back to my previous relationships…
I realized something…

I realized how important it is to be with someone that makes you better.

I think as people we tend to get mesmerized by the “potential” or “idea” of the person.
I think, we forget that the bonding of two people isn’t all about the looks, or the “spark” you felt when you first looked into their eyes.
The bond of you and someone else should make you a better man/woman, than you already were when you were with out them.

He/she should naturally motivate you to succeed, and accomplish your goals and dreams; instead of holding you back.

He/she should be willing to be a part of a team with you, so that you guys can build a strong empire… TOGETHER.

He/she should make you feel lo

ved, appreciated, and comfortable in your own skin.

and…

He/she should respect your own identity. He/she should know that you two won’t always agree on everything, and might have a lot of differences. However, they should respect it, and appreciate it.

He/she should make you want to tell them…
“You make me a better person.”
-Kbeautifulmind

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