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Hello Dear WordPress Followers,

I’d to take this moment to thank you all for reading my work, for being fans of what I write and believe in since I created my blog.

I’d also like to address that I’m working on writing more this year, expanding my words to touch more lives, and to share that I have some new and fun exciting project ideas on the way!

I’ve decided to create a “Professional Instagram” page, were I’d like to expose my poetry, quotes, short stories, advise through my knowledge, and display my soon to come videos or audio recordings!

I hope you all will follow and join me in this exciting journey!

Instagram: Kbeautifulmind__ (those are two _ _ )

Thanks y’all! I’m excited!

XO,

Kbeautifulmind

Like a Butterfly

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You tuck me in, turn out the lights,
kept me safe and sound at night,
little girls depend on things like that.
You taught me how to dress myself, and almost always combed my hair, helped build my self-esteem and helped me build a heart that cares.
You had to deal with my funny moods, but calmed me down before I turned blue, reminding me that I would be alright.
You were always there when I looked back, the two of us made quite a team, never did I think we’d ever be separated quite so fast.
You had to do it all alone, a single mom who had to make a living and make a home.
It must have been as hard as it could be, but even through all the struggles and hard times, you kept a smile on your face not letting us see how much of you life would take.
And when I couldn’t sleep at night, scared things wouldn’t turn out right
you would hold my hand and simply tell me…
“Just like caterpillar in the trees, how you wonder who you’ll be, but with time you will see.
Don’t you worry, hold on tight.
I promise you there will come a time, where like a butterfly you will also spread your wings.”
-Kbeautifulmind

What will you do?

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Today is my last day of summer vacation. I guess you can say it’s not exactly the summer vacation my little brothers get or the kind I use to get back when I was in grade school. The cat naps, waking up when you wanted, going to bed as late as you wanted (I can’t even count how many all nighters my little brother Kevin pulled playing video games) eating what you wanted and doing what you wanted for about 2-3 months. I’ve been working since high school and I’ve juggled two jobs now since 2008. Time just flies by way to fast sometimes. Without even realizing it minutes, hours, and days are just passing. When you’re so caught up on your career and your future, things just keep moving on.
We’ve been fortunate enough to keep ourselves busy- I say fortunate because we’re trying our best to block out and not paying attention to the tough times we are currently living. It’s now been four months since my momma left this life. Being busy makes the toughest times seem not so bad. This summer I can honestly say I did alot; 4 concerts one more to come, 6 Dodger games, a couple visits to Six Flags (I am a pass holder), at least 6 nights out dancing, out door movie nights, small gatherings,  dinner dates, game nights, 1 dinner party/kick back hosted by me, a trip to Texas and a couple other outings including my birthday celebrations! But some how I always manage to go back to that day she left us and it breaks my heart everytime.
They say time heels all, and it’s only been four months but I don’t think anything will ever feel the same again.
Because everything reminds me of her and this emptiness I feel could never be filled.
However I was thinking to myself the other night as I laid in bed (missing her of course since we spend the last 2 years sleeping together because I was afraid she would choke) and I thought to myself how can I move forward?
I thought of the fact that my brothers have been so disrespectful the whole “You are not our mom” phase has kicked in and I am so stressed out at times. I thought about how in only a couple of days (starting tomorrow) I’ll be juggling school, 2 jobs and 2 teenagers…. and I wanted to run away in that moment! Then the thinking happened and I started to tell myself…
“Be positive!”
“Breath!”
“Her death can’t make you give up! How will you represent her? Honor her? Make her proud?”
Although alot of people have told me I am doing a good job already, in that moment I decided I need to do more, I need to try and be positive and I need to raise her children right….
I need to be the Super Women she was.
So with that in mind I know that as of today there is 230 days left to this year. I’m going to try and be positive everyday, live life, find peace and represent my mother as the fighter and Super Women she ro modeld for 46 years. I’m going to focus on making myself be happy again, be healthier, and feel over all better because I know that’s what she would want! (Because she told me this in a letter)

So what are you going to do?
We are all living different life circumstances but I want to advise you all to make the 230 days count! Keep pushing yourself, keep yourself busy, and keep your head high as you welcome positivity in to your life. Good things will come out of it all, guaranteed.

Remembering that no storm is forever;
Kbeautifulmind

Happy Birthday up in Heaven

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Happy Birthday up in Heaven
from your children here on earth.
We love you and We miss you,
and want to let you know…
 
Your birthdays aren’t forgotten.
and your memory yet lives on.
We your children will celebrate your life with us even though you’ve gone.
 
If God were to grant us just one wish,
then make that wish come true,
you’d be here right beside us
and we’d spend this special day with you.
 
And while here for your birthday
you would be so hugged and kissed
that you would know before you go
how much you’re loved and missed.

We hope that you enjoy yourself and are smiling from up above. And that you have a big ol’ cake with lots of strawberries on top.

We hope that you are proud very happy and stress free,  that you are looking at us and are delighted with what you see.

Happy 47th Birthday Mommy we love you and miss you so darn much.

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Wishing you were here;
Kbeautifulmind

What’s with the miggit?

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There is only a couple of people I’ve ever known in my life that like me actually believe that the dreams we have mean something, or are trying to tell us something.
Those people are my friend Dawnn, my uncle Luis and my mom. My mom believed it almost religiously and she was so good at telling you exactly what your dream ment and what you were suppose to get out of it. My uncle and mom had that same gift, I call it a gift because some of the stuff my mom would dream were really clear warnings of something in the future. I swear god put her in this world as a messenger and an angel here to help others. Everyone of her friends including my friend Dawnn would go to her to ask about their dreams. And she was always right.
I got in a big accident back in 2009 and she knew about it like a week before, she didn’t know it be that bad but she kept dreaming stuff that pretty much told her I would be in an accident… weird right?

Since my mom has passed I been really jealous of all other people who have gotten the chance to dream, see and even feel her. I haven’t been as lucky like all of her close friends and my siblings. I have no idea why? My friend told me “Maybe she doesn’t think you are ready yet” and maybe she is right, but I still was jealous of everyone else.

Then the other night I finally felt her in my dream, but unfortunately I didn’t get to see her.

Instead it was a dream I probably would have been very scared of, except that I actually felt her which made it not so scary. It was the weirdest dream ever!

It was a few days before my boyfriend graduated from school, I dreamed that he was telling me that he was not going to graduate because of his hair style, the school was just not allowing it.

So I left the room which was apparently “our” room and I went to go ask someone that was in the room next door “Why can’t he graduate wit his hair style?”

Anyway long story short when I left that room I was walking into my living room to make sure the doors were locked and a miggit popped out of the corner by the door to hug me! Yes you read right a miggit! A little tini person!

If you know me well you know I am scared of little people. No I don’t act rude or scream like a nut job when I see one but I do begin to feel like I am hyperventilating when I am close to one and I have to tell myself to relax.
Why you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA!
Yes, I know they are human too and that there is no reason to be afraid of them but I am terrified! And I am so sorry for that if you are smaller then 4 feet and are thinking “RUDE” I promise I don’t mean no harm, I just get nervous and scared when I see a super small human being.

Anyway back to my dream…

So the miggit popped out of the corner and hugged my legs very very tight, then dropped me to the grown still holding me and that’s when I saw my little brothers face with a little bit of my mom’s face and I asked it…

“Mom is that you?”

And it nodded “Yes!”
My blood pressure began to rise as I wanted to freak out but was also very excited! I grabbed it’s face and mouth and kept saying “Mom is that really you? Say something to me! Talk to me!”

It just stared at me with its mouth wide open, just like my mom looked when she was on her last 3 days as she was gasping for air…

I began to get scared because “it” wouldn’t talk and I said…
“Mom! I’m so sorry! Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Am I making you proud?”

And after every question “it” looked at me with confusion, still hugging me tight nodding it’s head… No…yes… and a faster yes to the last question.

Then I heard my boyfriend’s voice…
“Girlfriend are you okay?”

And the little person, or little Kevin/Mom looked at me with a fear in it’s face like we were going to get caught and said…

“I’m sorry, I need to go… I love you.”

and It was MY mom’s voice! It was her! And “it” disappeared as it left me laying there curled up in a ball hugging myself.

The dream ended with me telling my boyfriend “She was here, why did you come out? Why? Why?” As I cried and cried.

What made it more real was that I woke up at almost 4am and I couldn’t move. I was crying a waterfall of tears and my body was tight and I was still hugging myself and I could still feel the super tight hug that the little person gave me. I cried and I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid because the dream was so weird or happy because I finally felt/heard her. All I knew is that I could not move and I needed to call my boyfriend to tell him but it took me about 10 minutes before I could move.

After I called and woke him, talked and was able to relax I kept thinking “What’s with the miggit mom? What the hell does that mean?” I couldn’t understand why she/god or the dream angel would have me feel/hear her through the body of a little person knowing how afraid I am of them?

And it still doesn’t make sense, except for the idea that maybe she was trying to tell me to “not be afraid of what’s coming”

All I know is that it was weird, yet nice to finally feel her and that I really wished I could run to her room and ask her what the dream ment… But I couldn’t.

Hoping to dream her again soon;
Kbeautifulmind

“If Roses grow in Heaven”

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother’s arms
and tell her they’re from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there’s an ache within my heart
that will never go away.
-Unknown

Happy Mother’s day Mommy, I love you and miss you very much♡
Life with out you sucks and I still can’t seem to accept it. I’m trying to be strong like you asked me to, I really am trying my very best.
But the truth it’s really hard.
I miss you dearly.
I cry in the car, at work and before I go to bed and sometimes even in my sleep. I know I shouldn’t be crying because I am probably making you sad but I just can’t help it. I wish you were still here, I wish god had seen that I still need you.
They say you are no longer in pain and that makes me happy but my question is what was god thinking giving you that pain in the first place?
They say you are here in spirit but I want you here in person.
I’m sorry I am not as strong as you said I’d be, till we meet again♡
R.I.P Best Friend, te quiero muchisimo!
July 12th, 1967 – April 22nd, 2014

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Your Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

My First Mother’s Day…

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“A mother is she who can take the place of all others,but whose place no one else can take.”

A year ago today, I wrote a blog in dedication to my mommy on Mother’s Day. I’d stated how wonderful she was and how thanks to her someday I’d be a great mom. Today is Mother’s Day and unfortunately my mommy is no longer with us.
A lot of Friend’s and Family that knew the strenght of my bond with my mom and how much she means to me, have been contacting me telling me to pretty much “Hang in there” and I am trying…
I’m doing okay because I am at work but once business slows down I feel my eyes tearing up. I really miss her…
One of my friend’s text me this morning saying, “Happy Mother’s Day Kelsey… you adopted two boy’s and a girl, enjoy the day today. I know your mom wouldn’t want it any other way!”
As I started my day I let that text sink in. I began to think about my post I wrote last year. I almost felt weird because this was not the first mother’s day I pictured…
I pictured my first Mother’s Day somewhere down the future with a husband and a fairly new born baby boy/girl in my arms. Never did I think it would be along side with two boy’s of age 11 and 15 and a 20 year old young lady that has a 8 month old baby of her own!
Sadly my friend was right, I now have to take on the responsibility of being like a mother to these stinkers because I am all they have and well we all only have each other!
In my blog last year I said…
“My mother is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother I’m going to be a great one…”
Even though I still do not have any children of my own and I have only been watching over my siblings for twenty days now, I am hoping to make my mommy very proud as I now must keep all my promises and take over for her and be a mother to her children.

Happy Mother’s day in Heaven Mommy!

Missing you like crazy;
Kbeautifulmind

Cancer Defeated my Best Friend👭

“She is clothed in Strength and Dignity…”

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Diagnosed with Lung Cancer Stage 4 in December 2012

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They predicted she had already had it for over 6 years. She had two chemo therapies  that were a success and she took them like a champ.

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She was doing great, the cancer couldn’t be cured but the doctors had hope and we had faith to have her with us for a long time.

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Then out of no where the cancer got more aggressive and began to attack her at her hips and tail bone. Therefor they started radiation, this treatment is probably what lead her closer to heaven. It left her with these painful soars on her bottom that caused her to not be able to sit much anymore with out being in pain.

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The radiation brought her down to 88 pounds. She couldn’t breath much anymore so she had a tub inserted in her lung so that she could have the liquid drained every two days. This is when I saw my mom as weak as I had ever seen her she couldn’t do anything on her own and I could tell she was frustrated. I felt so helpless even though I was taking full care of her because my mom had been robbed for her independence, she never wanted anyone to have to take care of her. She was the one taking care of others and she hated depending on my help but I did it with all the love I have for her.

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She was so tired of the cancer that she hated being in the hospital and all the meds would just make her asleep.

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In early March a scan showed that the cancer was now at the liver and in her head. She then made a decision to leave it all in the hands of god. They told us that the radiation could kill her soon if they kept going or pro-long her life anywhere from 6 months to a year but they couldn’t say till they tried. The doctors told us there wasn’t anything else they could do. She decided she had enough and she told me “I’m sorry to let you down mija, but I don’t want to die like this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep or even enjoy the last I have with you guys. I rather live 10 days happy and eating whatever I want and laughing and enjoying time with my kids who I love so much then 3 months in a bed living in pain and weak.”

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As much as it hurt, I supported her. I accepted her decision and I begged god to please let her live long with this deadly disease. I refused to accept that the cancer was winning, I couldn’t accept that she was loosing.

She was doing so good for about a month and a half.

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On Saturday April 19th my mom had a wonderful morning…
She was really excited for the ceremony at church later that night, she had been looking forward to it for the past two years. At noon that day my mom began to shut down. It was the day that her boys would finally get Babtized as she so much wished and they would finish all of their sacraments but she was too weak to make it to the ceremony.

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We were hoping she would snap out of it again. I was hoping she would wake up and be okay…

But it only got worse. She went from eyes open to eyes close for good. She cried when we spoke to her and she moned to respond. Then moaning stopped by Monday morning and the breathing got harder.

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I was praying to god that he’d please wake her up. I needed a miracle! I asked that he’d show me his existence and that he’d prove to me that all my faith I put in him mattered and prayers had been heard.

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My siblings and I needed our mom, our only parent. The worrier who defeated every obstacles that came our way. The lady who never gave up, and seemed like she could do anything. The one who never got a break but never stopped working hard to raise us right and made sure that we always had everything we needed.

I refused to believe that God would leave me on the hang like this, why would he take my mother, my only parent and my best friend from me? From us? Knowing how much we needed her.

Then on Tuesday April 22nd, 2014 at 11:50pm my mom took her last breath as she finally opened her eyes again looking at everyone in the room one last time as tears fell down her eyes.

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She fought as hard as she could and had such a big spirit and strong faith in god.
She told me she wasn’t afraid to die, but she knew she wasn’t ready to go yet.
Unfortunately this life we are living is just temporary and it can be over in seconds. I know my mom has gone to heaven, I believe this world is like a test and once you pass it god opens the gates to his kingdom. That is why he takes the people we see as the “good one’s” first. He doesn’t take them to be mean to us or to hurt us he takes them because they are the “good one’s” for a reason. They have finally passed and are ready to graduate to go where we all wish to be someday.

I have to say he is one lucky man, because my lord has gained a beautiful and very unique angle.

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          R.I.P Maricela Arellano Lopez
       July 12th, 1967- April 22nd, 2014

Until we meet again momma…

Your Best Friend;
Kelsey Barillas
(KBEAUTIFULMIND)

Enough Cancer for Everyone…

About a week ago today, I was sitting at work bored out of my mind! When all of a sudden a man came in to do an upgrade on his phone. My co-worker approached him first so I let her take care of him. I was sitting down, on my phone minding my own business when he asked me “Who are you texting? You have a customer in front of you and you’re on your phone ignoring me, texting away…?”
Anyway, he was teasing me but that got our conversation going and some how we began to talk about god, and life.
This guy was probably the most spiritual person I’ve ever met!
Not only did he see life with such a positive vibe, but he had an open mind to everything.
The man had faith in god, but most importantly he had trust in him.
I know you guys are probably wondering, what is the difference? Because I know I did, and he told me.
He told me that having faith that God will take care of things isn’t enough. Why? Because even though we have faith, we still worry, and stress the situations.
He said “We must trust that God will take care of things by letting it all go and giving it to him to deal with. Yes, it will be hard but if you believe in him, or in something more powerful then us here on earth, then you know that he knows what he is doing? Why he is doing these things? And that even though you are stressed, frustrated, sad there is a purpose or reason for everything!!!”
In that moment I knew he was right, I just had to trust god, not just have faith in him but trust him and know that I am his child and he has my back.
After this nice man left, I couldn’t help but wonder if God had put him in here to speak to me.
You see the night before I was in the shower with a lot on my mind. My mother’s cancer has spread even more and she isn’t eating much lately and it’s honesty breaking my heart.
As I stood there I told god “Look I know I need to be strong, and I know that you only give us “what we can handle” but I can’t handle this anymore! I don’t get why you are doing this to me? What is the purpose behind it all? I just don’t think it’s fair! And I need you to just speak to me and show me that you are listening to me because my prayers seem to feel ignored lately?
And I’m tired, so tired, and I need my momma god! I only have one parent! I need her, you have to make her strong and help pro long her life, please please show me that you hear me!!!!???? You can’t take her away from me god, please you just can’t!”
and well that’s how I was feeling that night…
The next day this man came in to my job, out of all cell phone stores in town. He spoke to me about trusting god, out of all people he could speak to and all subjects he could speak about. He could have just left me alone, got his phone and left. However he spoke to me, and that I think was a sign from god.
Therefor I began to really think and let it all sink in. I couldn’t help to think about what he said about everything having a “purpose” so I began to think about my life, and all I have learned since my mom got diagnosed. I realized I have learned a lot and as crazy sad as it all is, I know it has helped me grow and become a better person.
Then I began to think about the rest of the world and how cancer is everywhere now a days, and with everyone.
Like there is actually Enough Cancer for Everyone” and everyone that is living with it or knows someone living with it has to be feeling what I am feeling. If not “How are they feeling? What affect has it had on their lives?”
In that moment I grew an interest to know what others were feeling and experiencing do to cancer. I knew that if I could hear the stories of others it would make me stronger. I knew that if I could share the stories of others, it would make other people stronger. It would mean that if one person came across these stories with that lost feeling in their mind, or hearts they might just be able to relate and find that little light they were looking for. 

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Therefor I have decided to expand my blog, expand it past my exposure of my own personal life. I will be starting a category in my blog with the name “Enough Cancer for Everyone”
A category where I will be sharing the stories in summary of those who care to share with me so that we can show the rest of the world or anyone out there feeling what we are feeling that they are not alone.

I believe that this is all part of my purpose, and I pray that I can make it happen, but I can’t do it with out the stories of others.

If you are interested, email me your story at kbeautifulmind@gmail.com and let’s start making a difference by supporting those that can’t seem to escape this ugly disease.

Hope to hear from someone soon;
Kbeautifulmind