Hospital sleep overs

I find it really funny that I cant seem to wake up for the gym at 5am but Ive been up since 4:30 this morning…
Someone get me a big bed please!
I’m actually really really tired I can feel it but my brain is telling me “no more sleep for you missy!”
Man oh man are Hospitals so uncomfortable to sleep in. My moms still asleep and although she has her bed to herself she looks uncomfortable too.
She claims to be feeling a little better her face expression seems to say other wise.
Today is her offical birthday and I much rather have took her out for a manicure and pedicure and some lunch….
Maybe I can just give her a pedi myself when she gets out of here if we ever do…
I understand this place is busy but I find it so annoying when they been promising us a doctor since yesterday at 6pm and her doctor is “unavailable” so that doesn’t help…
All I want today is…
1. For her to feel better
2. For the doctor to hurry up
3. To be able to know whats going on and what is our next step
4. To take her home with a positive vibe and good hope
5. To be able to celebrate her for a bit even if its just a small cake and some flowers and balloons
6. To see her smile at least once today

Sitting here waiting for the man in the white coat…

Kbeautifulmind

Oh Cancer how I hate you, your giving me white hairs…

Hospitals Hospitals are so creepy.
Its Friday afternoon and its my moms fake Birthday technically her Birthday is tomorrow but once upon a time she had a sister who was born today a year before her and died. When my mom was born my grandma made the decision to give her the same name so when she came to the United States my mom brought with her the wrong birth certificate… I know weird right?
But anyways thats all in the processed of getting fixed but her birthday is really tomorrow.
Im waiting for results on my moms cat scan and X rays, and I came to the bathroom and I have 3 white hairs, oh god did that make me feel old… but I know its the stress…
Last night my mom was having alot of chest pain and got really sick “looking” on me, I began to worry but she said to wait it out so we did…
I couldn’t sleep just keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay…
I began to think again how unfair this was, Why does a 46 year old lady who worked hard her whole life deserve to have it end like this? I mean Im not saying anyone deserves this sickness but you would think that some people deserve a easy path after all the hard ones they have encountered right?
Sometimes I get frustrated I know I shouldn’t question god or why he does the things he does but sometimes I just wish I could understand or get a little sign that everything is going to be okay…
Really dont know how to feel right now except for the fact that Im kind of annoyed I had to call out of work because we need any money we can get. Im annoyed she couldnt start her chemotherapy this morning and Im annoyed how long it takes to wait for all this stuff…
But then again I’m glad to now be spending her fake birthday with her even if its in this cold hospital.

Just a little venting,

Kbeautifulmind

What does it take?

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I should probably be sleeping with the fact that I am suppose to be up at 5 in the morning to hit the gym…
If my friends are reading this…
Sorry guys I’ll see you Friday morning instead…
The truth is I was so tired after tonights gym session but then I watched a movie “Temptation” by Tyler Perry and oh man was it good…
But of course my psychological mind (I swear Im crazy sometimes) began to think, and I mean really think about cheating, cheaters, relationships that fall apart and “What does it take?” for them to fall apart and or work out after dramatic obsticles in their relationships…
I mean its a interesting thing, look at “The Notebook” in their story whats ment to be is ment to be so they found each other again…
So back to “Temptation”
I began to wonder if only had her husband appreciated her and cherished her noticed her instead of getting use to her being there then this guy would have never even caught her eye, then if the main actress had not gotten HIV had she and her husband been able to work it out after they realized the issue? And then I began to wonder why does it have to go that far why do you need to break up or screw it all up before you realize what the issue was?
The truth is that this type of stuff happens more often then it should (except for the getting HIV part) people in this generation cheat like its the thing to do.
I met a girl once who cheated on her boyfriend of a long time with this guy that like in the movie excited her and made her feel “alive” she ended up getting pregnant by the other guy having to abort because he didn’t want anything to do with her and although the boyfriend never found out sadly they didnt end up working out either so she ended up alone.
I’ve met plenty of guys who cheat like CRAZY they have new girls all the time you’d think they were single.
I also knew a girl who cheated with in the group she hung out with while her navy boyfriend was out over seas and when he officially came back he proposed, she married him, they had a kid and it was like nothing happened?
But Ive also met people that have been lied to and cheated on and they have had it slapped in their face or have found out and end up letting it slide.
I had a friend once who’s boyfriend wouldn’t exactly cheat but would talk to multiple girls for a good while telling them he missed them, receiving pictures and just over all “trying hard” to impress them…
and yes she knew.
She would tell me that she felt it every time it started again she could feel it in her stomach and everytime she prayed “God if you please let me find proof if you please let me find out, I swear to you I’ll walk away and never look back” She’d tell me “I swear girl if I find out Im right then thats it forget him!”
and yes if you didnt already figure it out…
She would find out EVERY SINGLE TIME! Every time the proof was right in her face and she always forgave him.
Now he has changed alot and has fully dedicated him self as it seems and I use to wonder why she always went back but she saw something in him and Im glad they figured it out and I hope he never does it again.
For the most part I believe some people do cheat for a reason especially if they never have…
I mean imagine being with someone for a long time and he forgot your birthday like in the movie and someone else “the other guy” is sending you flowers…
How the hell are you suppose to feel?
See the thing is, is that most people cheat because they are missing something or somethings are just so dull and not the same.
People for the most part get comfortable and after the honeymoon stage the romance just dies out…
I feel thats what leads most men and woman to look for excitement else where. I mean yes there is people that are just cheaters or as I like to call them “dogs” ha ha. However most people cheat because they found something in someone that showed them what they were missing.
I personally love romance, love is just a beautiful thing I believe in finding that special person that will give their life for you, that will put you before anything and just wake up every morning and appreciate that they have you by their side. I believe you should always keep the spark going mutually and make sure everyday that your making this person happy.
If then the person still cheats then they dont deserve you but if your not full filling what they need and appreciating them then you know what they say “You don’t know what you have till its gone”
In my conclusion I despise cheaters and liars and Im not perfect but any lie Ive ever told has made me disappointed on myself.
However I believe that everything that happeneds, happeneds for a reason and anyone who doesn’t appreciate you is only missing out on what someone else will be lucky enough to have…

and remember before you cheat or leave try and save it if he/she still dosnt listen then you at least know you tried.

Kbeautifulmind

How does your subconscious pick its taste in music?

It’s The fourth of July and I am stuck at work…
But then again money is money no matter the Holiday. Most people spend it more on the Holiday’s anyway…
So Im here listening to music and it made me think, How does my mind and ears decide what sounds they like to hear?
I mean I never really thought of it but almost all of my favorite songs or type of music I like really relates to how I like everything else…
For example Im a sucker for romance and I like soft romantic music weather its in Spanish, Italian, Jazz, soft rock or Pop and especially Country♥
I love all kinds of music but youll never catch me listening to loud rock or club house music, I just cant seem to relate to it and actually find it a bit annoying.
I love Spanish music because it sings to my soul, it represents my culture and it brings back memories of when I was little and my auntie and mom would be singing and cooking in the kitchen as happy as can be. They would pick us up to dance with them twirling us until we’d get to heavy to continue ha ha.
I have a thing for Jazz especially the old school stuff or as deep as a little mix like Frank Sinatra and the newer stuff like Michael Bubble. When I fell in love for the first time Michael Bubble was my go to guy Id turn him up put my window’s down and enjoy the feeling 🙂
Since I discovered him he’s my “happy mood” music.
Country music and hip hop sing to my life and what I want out of it.
Country Music makes me think of a future someday with kids and a house with a big back yard. It reminds me of how much I value life, god, my family, friendship and love.
Hip Hop and rap Ive recently got into but if its the good underground stuff it sort of “pumps” me up and reminds me of my ambition and how no matter what happeneds I will continue to fight on to be successful…
I guess the reason why I find this interesting is because I wonder if you can know a bit about a person just by knowing what music they listen to…
and if so…
What does this say about me to others?

bored and curious;
Kbeautifulmind.

Short hair because I care.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”-Unknown

I cut my hair today!
My purpose ….. to donate it!
and the fact that I’ll feel less hot is a plus of course.
My hair was extreamly long all the way down pass my bottom and now its sholder lenght.
So as you guys can read and see well the truth Im surprised I didn’t cry…
My hair was so long my friends thought I was crazy for cutting it, “you’ll regret it” they said…
But the truth it felt wonderful, I felt a relief, I felt brave and helpful!
It’s my first time donating so I had no idea what to do but seems like I figured it out and “Lock of Love” is going to get this pretty long hair for a even prettier strong little girl♥
When I think of someone else wearing my hair it actually excites me, maybe ill be someones beautiful prom hair due, or picture day or something.
What makes me feel good is that someone out there will be happy and be able to get their mind off the pain for a moment.
I pray that god countines to stand by the side of all our Cancer fighters and may he lead them all along the path of survival.
I thank him for allowing my mom to continue to be by my side and may she continue to have strength to fight on. May he give us peace even when times are hard, may he unite us even more.

I hope Lock of Love puts my hair to good use.

Kbeautifulmind

Birthday count down….

Holly Cow I’ll be 23 in less then 3 hours!!! Blah getting old stinks, but I absolutely love my birthdays because it makes me look back at how time has passed and changed a lot and although sometimes I miss some good old days… I’m so grateful for how much I have grown and learned.
Just thinking that two years ago I almost let the power of love take me down… How stupid would I have been to let that birthday be my last…
I’m so glad to be here.
I’m so grateful for all the amazing people god has allowed in my life and most of all still grateful for having my family together another year!:)
Thanks to all the awesome people who are still by my side, miss all the great ones who once were… wishing them the best and welcoming a new year and many more awesome people to come.
God knows all I want this year is for my moms good health, that he continues to give her strength to fight on, and that this path gets easier for her. However let god hear me that I’m ready for all he has to throw my way and all I ask for is strength through the hard times and lots of love to accompany me along the way.

Kbeautifulmind

The day Im a mother

If I wanted to I know I could be a great mother now. Thanks to my mom my instincts and methods have cultivated through the years from watching such a wonderful person be an amazing mother. If your a regular reader you may know that my mother is amazing, she is currently fighting a stage four lung cancer and god knows it has been real hard. However she hasn’t allowed it to take over her life and change who she truly is.
My mom is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother Im going to be a great one.
Through her I have learned a lot.
She has taught me kindness and tolerance for all humans, and situations. Through her I have learned to be positive. I have learned to be strong teaching me that there is nothing that can destroy me for if tomorrow comes it will be a hole new day. I’ve learned to be open to new learnings and to always take in the new knowledge with a positive attitude. She taught me to love, hard and long, and to never give up and always continue to fight for anything or anyone as long as I never loose focus of my value and what I deserve. She role modeled to always listen to my instincts and to not be afraid of doing so. She taught me to have confidence and that no matter what others say or have, I will always find something better within me that will make me proud of being who I am. She’s taught me to always be helpful as Ive watched her open her heart and friendly services to many people; from advising others to do the right thing to a simple favor like giving someone a ride somewhere. I have to say she has to be the greatest friend anyone could ever have.
Over the years our relationship as many mother daughter relationships has had its up and downs. However I can say we never fell too far apart to stop talking and we always found our selves running back to each other. To be more specific wed be “fighting” and shed still call me every 15 minutes. Trust to my mom is a BIG DEAL she values the trust she gives to others and if you break it; that’s it. My mom has always been the perfect mother; never to strict or too careless. She always allowed me to choose my own path and how I wanted to live my life, still trusting me that I would do the right thing. Being trusted has made me never want to disappoint her.
As a twenty-two year old adult now, still not ready for any children of my own I would say the day Im ready Ill be more than ready. I can say for the future and even now I have had the best mentor. Having such a wonderful role model and such a strong individual believe in me and have faith in me has inspired me to be the best ME and someday mother of my own that I could ever be.
I love you mommy,
Happy Mothers Day💕
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

If I won the lottery

I can not sleep and I have work all day tomorrow so that’s not good…
I was fine just laying here in bed, I have a big bed so ever since we found out about my moms cancer we sleep together I sleep to one side and she sleeps to the other with plenty of space for like a third person. I sleep with her because I feel safer this way knowing Im right by her side in case of anything…
Than I bothered to look over and I noticed she fell asleep and looks very uncomfortable with like five pillows keeping her half up like she is almost sitting down and I know its because she can’t really breath sometimes. We told the doctor but he said her lungs sound fine I don’t know what the issue is and its driving me nuts!
So I began to think of when my mom and I use to say “What would we do if we won the lottery someday?”
By the way we never play it is so rare but once in a blue moon we would each get a dollar and buy a ticket and wed always say what we would do…
She would say “I would open up a business something where I could help out alot of people, not just people I know but alot alot of people Id probably buy a house and pay off all our debt and bills so that we never stress again”

I use to say “I would buy you a house and myself one, Id also buy you a restaurant, pay/give you back all the money you have used to do stuff for me and Id go on a big shopping spree as well as go to real poor areas of the world and help them out.”
Man we were dorks… But we dreamed funny probably not what we would do exactly…
and tonight I sit here feeling like I was starting to have an anxiety attack wondering again why my lord oh lord is my mom sick at age 45 with a un curable lung cancer?
Im also thinking of what we would say to each other if we asked again “What we would do if we won the Lottery?”

If I won the lottery I would pay for my mom to see the best doctors on this planet, get thousands of other opinions and if I cant find the cure find something to pro long her life for a very very long time, I would be able to give her that good rest of her life Ive always wanted and take her on trips, help her relax! I would help her breath, eat, sleep, live… oh god Id give my life for her…
Again I ask why her? Why my super woman?
Late night post;
Kbeautifulmind

Doctors appointment

We went to see the doctor today…
He checked her out told her she looked great and her lungs sounded perfect!
He reviewed the results of the chemo with us which we already knew had shrunk the tumor by 25 percent but had still spread do to some very small spotting which they assumed was part of the mass from the tumor.
He gave us the options which is a daily mouth medicine which can pro long her life and bone medication to make her bones stronger and slow the cancer from spreading through them…
Than she asked the doctor if she could go back to work and he told her “…from a personal perspective yes you can do anything you want! But as a doctor I don’t know if you want to work because this thing will only get worse with time and there will come a point when you might not even be able to get out of bed so I suggest enjoy the freedom and just relax….”
First thing I thought was… “It’s easy for him to say because he is obviously financially stable…”
Than the other thing was where I started to speak to god and asking him again “Why her lord?”
and maybe Im being a little selfish because I should know she’s not the only one sick in this world and there is people worse off.
However it breaks me, it tares me apart to think that she will eventually be feeling horrible pain that I won’t be able to sooth or cure.
All my siblings along with myself have seen our struggles and how hard this woman has worked just to have a roof over our heads and to put food on the table. However as the oldest I feel like Ive seen it all and more Ive seen her get mad, cry, and sometimes almost ready to give up and she amazes me how well she can put her self right back together and keep pushing! She says I have that characteristic of hers, her strength but when I see how strong she is Im not sure if I do because I am so sensitive. I don’t see her strength in me she makes me look like a baby compared to her.
Right now Im hurting Im trying so hard to be strong and hide it but Im hurting and Ill admit Im a bit scared for what will come.
However my faith is so strong and I know my lord hears me and I know that everything happens for a reason but I believe in his power and I know he knows how much we still need her. I really hope he hears my cry every day and knows how much I still need her here so I can give her the world and continue to make her proud.
I know that death is apart of life and please believe I as well as my mom and Im sure most people would like to go to heaven but I don’t feel most of us want to go yet. I have accepted that someday god will have her by his side as she watches over us and sits along with her father and other loved ones but I need her here still, I just ask for more time to be able to enjoy her love and persona and I pray he hears me.
We went to see her doctor today and boy was it hard, I just pray my lord hears me.
Thank you for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

What truly matters

“You are beautiful no matter what they say”

I never been one to care for judgment, weather I was called ugly or fat, or pretty and sexy. The truth my appearance has always been more of a personal thing the only thing that I kept to myself. I can honestly say I get ready for me, and it is so personal that I even prefer to shop alone.

However I have my moments when I see girls that are thinner and that’s my weakness… ha ha.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

I always thought this saying was very funny, however my feelings on this subject are mutual.

You see… If its someone that I don’t know or have any feelings for, well it doesn’t matter to me what they have to say I actually find it very funny and I cant help but laugh.

But when it comes to someone that I truly care about, someone who holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances anything can hurt my feelings. But I’ll admit Im so fast at brushing it off and moving forward.
A “wise” guy once told me I was a horrible person and a manipulator always trying to mold people to my own ways and so selfish that I would let go of some of the “BEST” friendships I could have ever had…
I actually let this get to me I was so sad I truly began to wonder if I was that bad of a person.
For a while I thought I really couldn’t keep friends since I no longer had a big “group” of oh so wonderful people by my side, and I thought of the people that were around for short terms and said maybe I did screw that up? But than one day it clicked…. I had met a girl who I thought would be my friend for a long time and she got upset and didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I couldn’t make it to an event do to work one night, that night I told myself “Oh god I really can’t keep friends can I?” And laughed it off because I didn’t realize I already have the best friends I could ever ask for. You see the wise guy was talking about a group of people who were never my friends, two quote on quote “good friends” One of them was a bit selfish and without realizing it used me to give her rides and to cover up for her while the hole time I just truly needed her to listen to me and support me. The other a true emotional reck who envied everything others had and accidentally called me with out knowing as she talked bad about me in the back ground ha ha yeah some friend! Now the hater who wanted my life/relationship is claiming to be “Best Friends” with this wise guy? Than as I left that life behind me than came the girl who ended up being a back stabbing big ol’ slut than came another girl who was mad because little old me had to work. But the best part of it all is that Ive had my good friends by my side all along a handful of people with class, strength, ambition to succeed and the ability to understand and know that we can no longer have sleep overs and talk on the phone about boys/girls and clothes all day and that sometimes we might go days or months with out talking but that no matter what our friendship is as true as the land we walk on everyday.
Today my mom said to me “You know hun I remember not so long ago you were an emotional reck in serious believe that god was punishing you do to stupid things in life that had no worth! And after we found out about my cancer I feel like you have really changed for the better at not allowing the smallest things bother you even if they are said by someone who owns your heart or is/was a big part of your life. You have always been this strong I just feel like you had lost it and I can truly say this is the strongest and most confident Ive ever seen you in a long time!”
The truth I have found to know that when friendships, relationships or just life it’s self falls upon you and tares you apart (so it seems) it doesn’t mean that your a “horrible” person it just means that your a picky person, someone who knows her/his value and what you deserve still going out of your way to giving the opportunity to people to change and if they don’t than let them free to do and be who they please.
I wouldn’t call that trying to mold people…
I could be wrong, but what I do know is that when you give your life, trust, and unconditional love to those people in your life and all you want is the same thing… It really isn’t that much to ask for, its actually what truly matters.
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

People plan, and God laughs