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Last night as I was getting out from work my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to join her for confession…

I lied and said I was still at work, and went Christmas shopping instead.

I don’t know why I lied but I think it was because I hadn’t been to confession and hadn’t even step foot in a church in over a year.

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to attend midnight mass on christmas eve and I didn’t even make it to that last year…

When I was driving home that night I began to ask myself why I lied? And I had no excuse. I think I was afraid to face him.

I use to go to church every Sunday and always participated in confession, prayer, and I actually enjoyed it. I found it to be a place of peace and I felt happy when I was there.

Last year when my mom was diagnosed, I became mad at god. I was upset with him as I spend my days asking him why she deserved this? What made him choose her? Hasn’t she been through enough? Haven’t we been through enough? Why are you doing this to us!?!?!
I was very very mad at god; I had never felt so hurt, mad, and lost. I felt my faith dissolving.

Then one night when I was off on a Sunday my mom asked if I’d like to attend church with her, I told her “No I’m too tired”… and she confronted me…

“Well every Sunday for the last couple of months your excuse has been “work” today your excuse is you’re “tired” even though you are off? I don’t know what your deal is or why you no longer like to go to church but let me tell you something, we are still breathing and have all we have thanks to the man up stairs. Sometimes you need to take a little break and tell him thank you. If you don’t want to go to church then I hope you are at least speaking to him….”

If she only knew how much I was speaking to him, more like questioning him…

I stayed very quite and then told her “I don’t know If I believe in god anymore, I’m mad at him.”

My mom’s face looked like I had just slapped her really really hard.

She looked at me with a face of disappointment and said…

“I am so shocked to hear that coming from some one who use to always tell me, “No matter what happeneds, If we have faith everything will be okay!” I get you are mad so was I but I do believe he only gives us what we can handle.”

And she left…

I ended up crying myself into a nap after that. When I woke up I knew she was right, I went for a walk and I apologized to god for questioning him and yelling. I told him I was sorry and how grateful I was for still protecting me and being by my side even when I lost faith in him.

A year later today, I decided to go to confession and really face him. Before we were dismissed to stand in line to confess to one of the 25 priests, there was a small mass. The priest directing it said something along the lines of “… he never pushes us away no matter our sins, we push him away” and he was right. I pushed god away even when he still had my back and stood by my side.

Now I know not everyone reading this is a roman catholic like I am, but I am sharing this with the hope that if anyone is going through hard times like I am, understand that “everything happeneds for a reason” and with even just a little bit of faith, everything will be okay.

Faithful;
Kbeautifulmind

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Today I want to talk about the government….
Ever notice how the lady before you at the grocery store is paying with food stamps and has her nails done and a name brand purse that retails at about 300 at the least?
What about the families with 5 kids also paying with government money and the kids look so dirty but the parents look clean and well put?
or how about how most of the people doing insurance claims or getting some sort of government help are faking and living the good life driving Mercedes and BMWs?
and my least favorite… The “single moms” who claim to be single as they continue to pop out more and more kids in order to get more financial help from the government?
I actually once heard a lady say to someone “It’s my 7th kid but its all good because I’ll be getting me more food stamps” ARE YOU FREAKEN KIDDING ME!?
And they say China should be limited to ONE kid I think some areas in California need some limits…
With all this “Help” some how there is still over 100 million homeless people all over the world as well as this country and no I am not talking about the homeless people in LA who won’t take food or clothes or any type of help that isn’t money because they want the money to get their fix (drugs or alcohol). I am talking about the REAL homeless people who live in areas where there is no governmental help or any “housing” place to go and get a shower, a plate of food, or even a place to sleep.
So what is wrong with that picture here in the United States or to minimize it down what is wrong with the picture here in California?
Well in my opinion we can start by asking why there is over 300 cases assign to only ONE social worker in the welfare offices and why isn’t there more regulations and investigations?
For example wouldn’t you think if a person needs to get drug tested to be considered a candidate for a job opening position wouldn’t they drug test these candidates who are receiving FREE money from the government which is technically a flow of the money of those of us who work for a living!?
I just think our system is so “stupidly organized” so pathetically organized that that’s part of the reason why our money flow isn’t at it’s best.
So your probably wondering why do I care or why even waist my time writing about this right?
Well here goes my story my mom was recently diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage 4 (no she is not a smoker) and with that to our luck it is slow growing and hasn’t spread very far. So although it is not curable the fact that its slow growing can give her more time to live than someone who has a rapid growing lung tumor so we are trying to stay positive and enjoy anytime we have left with her.
Anyways like I was saying here she is a 45 year old lady who worked 3 jobs her whole life making good money and keeping her family stable. However with the cancer and treatment her doctor had requested she no longer work until the cancer was more “stable” so here she is no longer working and just finished up the last of her chemo at least until the resent test results to see what is our next step…
So here we are at the last of the testing of test needed for results of the chemo and when she gets out they tell us that we need to pay a total of 1,098 dollars for the exam!? So of course we are confused and ask them “Why? According to our understanding she worked so hard and made pretty good money that she was eligible for the “best” of medical insurances that give her no limits?” and the nurse says “yes that’s the one you have however it states here that you were only eligible for a percentage and so you have to pay this money out of your pocket” so of course I tell her it has to be incorrect so we call her social worker and the social worker states that this is correct because my mom gets a “good amount” of disability money that is good enough for her self and two boys she can pay half of that money for her medical expenses… So than my mom tells her “But mam half that money already goes to my rent what about bills and food? and the lady says “well have you tried food stamps? Wait you made to much to be eligible for that… Well mam I don’t know what to tell you the truth now in days rent is considered and luxury so they don’t really include the cost of it in your case, sorry mam that’s the cost that its going to be every month in order for you to be able to get your treatment…”
And for the most part that was the end of the conversation as I heard that I felt blood rushing to my head I can feel myself getting warm on my cheeks and I couldn’t believe that this lady just told us that “Now in days RENT is a luxury!” You have to be kidding me so a mom with only two kids (she has four but two of us are over 18) has to probably find a smaller place to live or to better state in “live under a dam bridge” in order to continue her treatment and add more life spam in order to continue to raise them!
I mean for god sakes like having cancer isn’t already bad enough!?
So I mean we will be okay Ill be doing my best to help her as much as I can (working two jobs and going to school) and I know that god is always by our sides. However I wanted to share this because I don’t think that our government has their system set up right and I think its unfair that those who truly need the help for example my mom who worked for most of her life time paying taxes to this country arnt the ones getting the help needed and instead its going to a bunch of free loaders living the good life, a life style better than we even are and we are the ones busting our bottoms for that money.
Just something to think about…
Kbeautifulmind