It’s hard to let you go, because that means things will change.
But, I had to accept that we weren’t great, we were great at one point, but, we weren’t great anymore.
We tried, or I tried, but this isn’t our journey anymore, it’s my journey.
Kbeautifulmind
I had to come out side to take a breather, things are so screwed up I can’t believe it.
So much screaming, so much fighting makes me feel like happiness is something…
sigh…
seems like we just won’t achieve it…
Everyone seems to blame the feeder, I’m selfish they say but they don’t see it.
To me they are just running away, to them they just can’t take it momentarily.
What is that you ask?
It’s my selfishness.
If they could only see, how hard this is for me.
I’m not selfish, I just have a memory disorder and some sort of attention span developing because of all that is being put on me.
It feels like my brain is going at full speed, day by day, as it thinks everything through, and tries to figure everything out that I have to do.
I forget everything now in days, my planner gets it all even a reminder that asks “Have you even ate at all?”
The only selfish act I have going on is getting educated, because like the rest of you I feel that I deserve it.
I don’t want to let the hard times stop me from having a good future.
From having my OWN future, something to show for MY SELF.
And then you come along and say you have felt un attended for over two years?
Well how about not being able to breath since I got the news.
How do you think this feels? Watching the mom that raised you, the only parent that took care of you, slowly washing away in front of you!
Two years of hell all the doctors and nurses saying things I just couldn’t bare.
I’m surprised I didn’t loose my mind and then she died only to leave me here to find, find away to figure things out, to push my grieving aside and get it all worked out.
I didn’t get a break I had to move on and play the game.
Play the game of life, find a way for all of us to survive.
But your overwhelmed, you feel at the bottom of the barel?
I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it, and understand how?
Not once did I say step up to the plate, I never said it was YOU that had to take her place.
As people asked us if you were?
I’d respond and say “What? no! I got this on my own, he doesn’t have to…”
Because I do. I was raised by a warrior who told me, and prepared me for what I had to do.
Yes it was easier said then done but I’m doing it.
I never asked you to feed us, to take care of us, to do anything for us because I got us.
And not just us as in them and I but US as in you and I too! Yes you were a bit more attentive to me then I was with you but look at what I was living? Of course more then ever, I needed you.
But that doesn’t mean I was gone, a couple of slips, a couple of cold sholders, but I was still hanging on.
There by your side trying my best to give you my all.
My ALL that now had to be split into 8 slices of “Kelsey”
As the oldest I have to take care of three and adding my niece I was at four
Then came two jobs making it six
And don’t forget school
And you
It became eight, eight is a lot can’t you see?
But I didn’t give up, I didn’t run off, I took it all in and said I got it all!
So yes sometimes you were going to come last but sometimes you came first and they came last.
There had to be a rotation can’t you see, and yes in the end there was only one person that worried about me.
You worried about me, but that wasn’t my selfishness it was your caring heart and the love you had for me. It’s just what humans do when they care, because when your alone it’s “I” and when your with someone it’s “them”.
Sometimes it will feel like it’s more about “them” then “you” but someday you will need “them” more then ever too.
When you do, there “they” will be, because there is no “I” in TEAM.
Wishing you the best, thank you for everything you did for me…
and us;
Kbeautifulmind
I never knew the importance of character behind a person till I experienced a couple of dissapointments, realize some mistakes I made, lost a couple of valuable people, was unappreciated by others and over all just grew up.
I mean how many of you actually do? Honestly.
What is usually the first thing you look for in a significant other?
For example when your eyes are wondering and honestly looking to be attracted?
It usually sounds something like this…
“He has to have…. a nice body, a cute smile, he has to be funny…”
or…
“She has to be in great shape, has to have a cute smile, boobs/ass is a plus and must have a great personality”
I mean honestly you don’t look at the average girl/guy at the club or the coffee shop and think holly cow check him/her out. You don’t look deep into their souls and wonder what struggles they could be dealing with. Some people do but for the most part society has made us look for the Brad Pitt or Beyonce look alike…
That invisible person that almost never exists…
Either way, our first glance at someone usually makes us react like this…
“DAM! Did you see her?”
“Holly cow! He is so cute!”
Sometimes leaving us almost breathless from their physic without knowing what’s underneath.
You don’t know the person, their personality, their abilities, their mind set, their way of thinking or their heart…
You usually don’t learn about that till a while after and the issue sometimes is that hearts change, people change and the way people think changes too…
So how could you deal with so much change of persona or character?
If your at my level yet, you’ve now realize what you truly want and what’s important.
Maybe it’s because you’ve had a couple nightmares, or life has really chewed you up and spit you back out.
Whatever it is, you have learned that you no longer look up to short breath taking experiences. You now look into taking someone else’s breath away consecutively as you’re reminding them to breathe. You look for someone that can do the same for you that makes you feel like no matter what your covered.
Why?
Because we need to breathe to live right? Life is going to always be in action ready to surprise you, kick you, chew you and spit you back out.
Life is going to test you, make you happy, make you mad, make you sad, bring you laughter and heart breaks.
And things will always be changing as times flys, you’ll be changing and they will be changing too, but neither of you will ever stop breathing. (at least not until you leave this earth)
And…
As independent as you are, you’ll someday realize you still need someone. We all need someone to have our back, to stick around, and to make you feel the comfort you need so that you can have confidence in also sticking around yourself. Because if not then you find yourself running away in fear leaving your heart behind with them. (and trust me when I say, leaving your heart behind sucks because it’s so hard to find yourself and get it back.)
You’ll realize you need someone to breathe not because you can’t breathe without them but because it’s nice to have them there to remind you to breathe when you seem to forget.
Feeling grateful;
Kbeautifulmind
I threw a surprise babyshower for my sister yesterday and to my experience it all worked out and looked wonderful!:)
After the party was over and we finished cleaning up my family and I along with my uncle and auntie and other family members sat around just hanging out.
My uncles wife said to me..
“Wow Kelsey this was the nicest shower Ive ever been to, you really have an eye for creativity when is it your turn?”
Of course I burst out in laughter that I almost spit out the water I was drinking…
and I said to her…
“Anything rushed has a chance of failure, my boyfriend and I have only been together for a year and a half, you dont truly know someone at a year and a half and starting a life together right now would be stupid…”
Well everyones ears went up and my uncle said “Your grandma got married at 15 years old had 16 of us and only loved one man and was with one man till the day he died… your 23, in mexico people would be wondering whats wrong with you?”
I just laughed and said “well maybe I’m a weird tio” and ended the conversation there…
Talking to them would be setting myself up for a head ache and annoyance because they are so old school its either that or ignorant (no offense I still love them all)
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that all people that get married young or have kids at a young age are setting them selves up for failure but what I am saying is that you shouldn’t have to rush into anything thats real when its real it just happens and it will stay that way no matter what happeneds.
When love is true it lives in your heart forever no matter what…
“Rushing to live for the now instead of looking to live for forever” is the mistake many people in todays generation are making…
And thats why divorce has increased to the extream in this decade…
Although Im so excited for my soon to come niece, my sister can vouch for me that when she told me she was pregnant I flipped, and her and her boyfriend have been together for over 5 years now but I still believed they should have waited.
You see I believe that LOVE is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have known each other for a quarter of a century. However Im not stating that I’m going to wait a quarter of a century to have kids or get married but I am going to make sure before I take any of these steps that the love I have with me is a gift not a need. I’m going to make sure that Im getting married or having kids with the person that I’m with for all the right reasons, not for money or benefits, or to rush into it because I want to get married and have a big pretty wedding, and definetly not because Im trying to fill in a hole that is empty and is telling my body that there is something missing.
And Im definetly not going to rush and have kids because I want to be a “young” mom or rush into getting married because Im getting “old”
You see I came from a family with a single mom, my dad left when I was five and my step dad was around for many years but that also fell apart.
My mom didnt know my father for more than 2 years before they decided to conceive me and although her and my step dad dated for a long time because of his job he was never really around for her to really get to know him…
I want my life to take a diffrent path, I want my kids to know their father and I want to get home to a husband I can kiss who after all the kids and years passed I could still be in-love with and be happy with.
I dont want to be unhappy sleeping in a separate bed before our 25 year anniversary and I dont want to be sharing custody and arguing who has the kids next weekend.
I know that waiting doesn’t guarantee success in marriage or motherhood, however I believe that to know the hole beautiful story a book has to tell you must read every single chapter and page. Therefore same goes with relationships you have to be apart of different chapters in someone’s life to see how they act and grow in order to write your own book of that story…
Wishing all the best in every chapter;
Kbeautifulmind
“Life changes every minute of everyday. You loose friends and you gain friends. You realize your friend was never really your friend and that person you use to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love and you lose love. You realize that all along you’ve been loved. You laugh, you cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You then learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups and you have your downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You wonder if your life is just one big movie. You look at others and wish you were them. You realize who they are and are glad you’re you. You love life. You hate life. In the end , you just find yourself happy to be living, no matter whats thrown at you…” ♥
Kbeautifulmind 