Deja vu nightmares

She walked out the door, unsure if her body was tagging along.
She didn’t understand why any of it was happening.
It felt like a dream, a nightmare she wanted to wake up from.
Nothing made sense, how could this make sense?
With frustration she whispered…

“Cancer? Why the fuck would she deserve that?”

Nothing made sense…
She took a deep breath and then she looked up to the sky and said…

“Take anything away from me, take it all if you will; but please… please, let me keep her, let her win this fight.”

And then she woke up, only to remember she was already gone.
-Kbeautifulmind

Stop!

Stop!
Blaming those around you for your unhappiness.
Stop assuming that people don’t care because they are not mouth feeding you, or picking up your slack.
Stop blaming “life” for your negativity.
If you are not happy with what you have now, you won’t be happier with everything you believe you need.
Happiness and positivity comes from within, only then will you be able to take on life and what is thrown your way.

-Kbeautifulmind

I want to love a whole.

Half: 

haf/Submit
noun
1.
either of two equal or corresponding parts into which something is or can be divided.
“the northern half of the island”

Complete: 

verb

4.

make (something) whole or perfect.
“he only needed one thing to complete his happiness”
synonyms: finish off, round off, top off, crown, cap, complement
“the outfit was completed with a veil”

I use to dream of finding my “other half.

Both times I have fallen in love I actually believed I had found (him).

Because before them I didn’t feel whole.

I didn’t love myself.

I didn’t believe in myself.

I didn’t feel that I could actually be happy being alone.

Unfortunately, I am not one of the only people who have felt this way, and what’s even more crazy is people go their whole lives feeling this way.

This is where people screw up.

They feel it’s normal and just go with it, until they settle for anyone because they believe that without “someone” by their side they are not complete.

What’s funny is that before the relationships even ended, I was always looking for “something,” something that would take away the empty feeling I had. When I couldn’t figured it out, I assumed that it was the relationship, the person’s fault for the way I was feeling.

Now that I’ve learned, I’ve realized that the first time there was nothing missing, I was missing. The self love, the self confidence, the self trust, is what was missing.

You can’t fully love someone else like they deserve, if you don’t love yourself.

The second time, I was missing so bad that I actually convinced myself to believe that I deserved the “type” of love I was receiving.

I’m still learning.

So far, I have learned the definitions of “half” and “complete.”

and I now know I don’t want either or to define the person I end up with for the rest of my life.

I don’t want an “other half,” I want a WHOLE.

I want a whole person, someone who knows exactly who they are, what they represent, what they want, and who loves themselves enough to know how to love ME.

I don’t want to feel complete when this person comes along, or for them to feel like I complete them.

I want us to already be complete, only to come along and complement each others lives for the better.

I don’t want to be someone else’s ideal “Ms. Right,” or “The One.”

I don’t want someone that has been looking for someone like me their whole lives.

I want to fall into someone.

I want to come long and change their lives for the best.

I want to make them feel things they have never felt before.

I want to add to their happiness, I want someone who before me was already happy with themselves.

I want to be someones whole and I want them to be my whole.

I want us to be two wholes who simply just deserve each other, who simply just realized we wanted to to continue to grow while we watch the other grow.

I don’t want to ever end up with another half, or feel like a half again.

I refuse to settle for someone to complete me.

I want a whole someone, so that I can live with their all, learn about their all, and love their all and whole entire persona.

I want the next time I fall in love, to just simply be a whole who loves another whole and entire other person.

I want someone who can give me their all, while I also give them my all.

-Kbeautifulmind

It’s those moments

It’s those moments…
The ones that take your breathe away, the ones that make you sigh with relief, the ones that make you laugh uncontrollably, the ones that make you grin from ear to ear.
It’s those moments, the ones that make you wish you could press rewind and play them again.
It’s those moments, the ones that make life worth living.
-Kbeautifulmind

Isn’t it crazy?

My mom, my family, my friends, and lovers, they’ve always praised it.
What you ask?
Well my big heart.
They’ve always told me that having such a heart was a privilege to have, a unique gift in deed.
My mother would say…
Being nice will always bring you good karma.
People will always envy your strenght and courage, because they know that even when times are bad you’ll always come out on top.
My family would say…
We love how you don’t fight for the pointless things, you always let things go and let god take care of what you can’t control.
My friends would say…
You’re always here when we need you, and you listen to our thoughts.
You are caring, you go the extra mile and you always try.
You’re a shoulder to lean on, when someone needs to cry.
My lovers would say…
You are so compassionate, and you believe in (me.)
You don’t give up, and you fight for the both of us.
You don’t hold grudges and you truly forgive.
You give so many chances, and still trust in thee.
All these things were nice to hear, and I know it benefit them all…
But why wasn’t anyone ever honest with me?
Why didn’t they say that being this way would also affect me in deed?
People know how to take advantage of me, assuming I’ll always be “okay,” because I am strong.
Why didn’t they tell me that being nice would bring me more tears than smiles, pretty rainbows, and graceful love?
Why didn’t they tell me that wearing my heart on my sleeve would get me hurt, for the most part?
Why didn’t they warn me, that people would always know that it was the perfect weapon they could use against me?
Isn’t it crazy?
That no one could tell me that what they loved so much about me, is the one thing that would destroy me?
and this was something they all knew…
-Kbeautifulmind