Enough Cancer for Everyone…

About a week ago today, I was sitting at work bored out of my mind! When all of a sudden a man came in to do an upgrade on his phone. My co-worker approached him first so I let her take care of him. I was sitting down, on my phone minding my own business when he asked me “Who are you texting? You have a customer in front of you and you’re on your phone ignoring me, texting away…?”
Anyway, he was teasing me but that got our conversation going and some how we began to talk about god, and life.
This guy was probably the most spiritual person I’ve ever met!
Not only did he see life with such a positive vibe, but he had an open mind to everything.
The man had faith in god, but most importantly he had trust in him.
I know you guys are probably wondering, what is the difference? Because I know I did, and he told me.
He told me that having faith that God will take care of things isn’t enough. Why? Because even though we have faith, we still worry, and stress the situations.
He said “We must trust that God will take care of things by letting it all go and giving it to him to deal with. Yes, it will be hard but if you believe in him, or in something more powerful then us here on earth, then you know that he knows what he is doing? Why he is doing these things? And that even though you are stressed, frustrated, sad there is a purpose or reason for everything!!!”
In that moment I knew he was right, I just had to trust god, not just have faith in him but trust him and know that I am his child and he has my back.
After this nice man left, I couldn’t help but wonder if God had put him in here to speak to me.
You see the night before I was in the shower with a lot on my mind. My mother’s cancer has spread even more and she isn’t eating much lately and it’s honesty breaking my heart.
As I stood there I told god “Look I know I need to be strong, and I know that you only give us “what we can handle” but I can’t handle this anymore! I don’t get why you are doing this to me? What is the purpose behind it all? I just don’t think it’s fair! And I need you to just speak to me and show me that you are listening to me because my prayers seem to feel ignored lately?
And I’m tired, so tired, and I need my momma god! I only have one parent! I need her, you have to make her strong and help pro long her life, please please show me that you hear me!!!!???? You can’t take her away from me god, please you just can’t!”
and well that’s how I was feeling that night…
The next day this man came in to my job, out of all cell phone stores in town. He spoke to me about trusting god, out of all people he could speak to and all subjects he could speak about. He could have just left me alone, got his phone and left. However he spoke to me, and that I think was a sign from god.
Therefor I began to really think and let it all sink in. I couldn’t help to think about what he said about everything having a “purpose” so I began to think about my life, and all I have learned since my mom got diagnosed. I realized I have learned a lot and as crazy sad as it all is, I know it has helped me grow and become a better person.
Then I began to think about the rest of the world and how cancer is everywhere now a days, and with everyone.
Like there is actually “Enough Cancer for Everyone” and everyone that is living with it or knows someone living with it has to be feeling what I am feeling. If not “How are they feeling? What affect has it had on their lives?”
In that moment I grew an interest to know what others were feeling and experiencing do to cancer. I knew that if I could hear the stories of others it would make me stronger. I knew that if I could share the stories of others, it would make other people stronger. It would mean that if one person came across these stories with that lost feeling in their mind, or hearts they might just be able to relate and find that little light they were looking for.

Therefor I have decided to expand my blog, expand it past my exposure of my own personal life. I will be starting a category in my blog with the name “Enough Cancer for Everyone”
A category where I will be sharing the stories in summary of those who care to share with me so that we can show the rest of the world or anyone out there feeling what we are feeling that they are not alone.

I believe that this is all part of my purpose, and I pray that I can make it happen, but I can’t do it with out the stories of others.

If you are interested, email me your story at kbeautifulmind@gmail.com and let’s start making a difference by supporting those that can’t seem to escape this ugly disease.

Hope to hear from someone soon;
Kbeautifulmind

The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others…

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.”
-Audrey Hepburn

My mom has always told us that if we help other’s god will bless us with more.
So as a kid I was raised to be helpful, I learned to always offer a hand and do it in a good mood and with an open heart.
I’ll be honest, I truly enjoy it.

Now that I’m older; I’ve always been one to offer my car, home, money, life or whatever it is I had. I was the dummy always chasing others and putting in all the effort to save my friendships and relationships.
A couple of years ago I began to open my eye’s, and see that this wasn’t always good. I was almost always left hurt, betrayed or walked on by those I thought really cared about me. I’d tell myself “How could she not love me? I am an amazing friend to her; or How could this guy not fall in love with me? I’m an amazing girl friend!”
I was robbed for years… sigh.
I was the girl that gave my last bucks to a homeless man/women, knowing they’d turn around walk back into the store and buy a beer.
Only about two, three years ago I sat myself down and really did some thinking…
I told myself…
“Why do I let it affect me so much when someone doesn’t care about me? Why do I get so hurt when I’m not appreciated? Why am I stressing about who my siblings date? What’s it to me if he’s/she’s no good for her/him? Or that they don’t have good grades? Or that my friend is on the wrong path? Or that my friend doesn’t appreciate me? Or that my brothers don’t listen to my advise?”

and I realized in that moment that it wasn’t worth it!

But what would I do? How could I change who I am? And was I being selfish? After all it’s not a “good deed” if you’re expecting something in return right?

And that is right, don’t help others if you expect something back…

But…

In that moment I knew that I had to help myself before I worried to help others. I had to cut my rope free before I cut their’s, if not I would be left there to hang and die!

Because you don’t have to change who you are; If it’s in your heart and bones to help other’s you must do it! This world needs good people, people who care and we must continue to do so.

It’s very simple, you just have to appreciate yourself. Either help yourself as you help them or be a little selfish and do you first, then help them.

If you do everything for your dude but he does nothing for you then stop, if he changes and chases you then continue, if he doesn’t…. There is plenty of fish in the sea!

That friend that always asks for help, rides, support… still help her/him but learn to say “NO” if it means changing your plans or canceling what you had going on. Do not put anyone first anymore!

If your siblings don’t listen to your advise and you’re the oldest…
1. Remember you had to learn, so do they.
2. Remind them you’re backing off but will always be there if they need you.
3. Tell them what I tell my siblings; “I don’t care what the hell you do, after all I won’t be depending on you someday, I got my head on right! I do it for YOU because I want to see you succeed for YOU.
4. Sit back and watch and when you need to step in (you’ll know when) then step in!

Over all remember that “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it”

Therefore don’t change who you are but remember to only offer a helping hand not your neck. Remember that not everyone will appreciate it and if it seems like that then give the helping hand to someone who will.

You’ll win some and loose some but just make sure you aren’t getting walked on and loosing more then your winning.

Just like the world needs good people, good people deserve to be surrounded by love and appreciation.

Love yourself, be good, and do great!
Kbeautifulmind

Beads for Battle

“A kind gesture can reach a wound only compassion can heal” -unknown

I have to admit I use to look at people who had no legs or were disabled in some way weather it was being sick or what not and I would get so sad for them.
I remember when I was like 7 years old and I had to get in the bus with my grandma in Mexico, there was a kid in there with no shoes all dirty and gross, he smelled so so bad. He only had one leg and had these hand made crutches to help him around. When we got out of the bus I started to cry and my grandma asked what was wrong? I told her I was sad for that little boy as I asked why don’t his parents take him a shower? And why did “diosito” (god) only give him one leg?
She said to me that he probably didn’t have parent’s and that something must have happened to him in explanation of the leg…
I cried even harder and said “Grandma why do parents leave?”
Since I was also suffering in understanding why I didn’t have a father at the time, I just didn’t get it.
I remember going to church that week on Sunday and that’s when I really started to pray. I began by praying for the little boy as I asked him to please bless him with some love and support because he was a little boy and didn’t deserve to be alone.
And that’s when I began to ask God to please protect my family and loved ones because I wouldn’t want to loose them or to see them hurt.
I remember thinking that if I did this every night and said thank you everyday we would all be okay.
As you all may have read after finding out about my mom’s diagnostic I felt like god had let me down and I was mad at him…
But don’t worry I think him and I are cool now 🙂
But I was mad because I guess I felt that as long as I spoke to him and asked and thanked every one would be fine. But I didn’t realize that there was more to this disease then what god controls and that I am NOT the only one feeling this pain.

“Hi my name is Cynthia. In April 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I started this organization to show support and spread positivity to others who are fighting for their lives. These strong individual’s need support to have the confidence to continue their battle…”

About a week or so I “met” Cynthia through a facebook message.
The thing is I already knew her story because we both have a wonderful friend by the name of Nairy who shared her story with me and told me a bit about her organization “Beads for battle”
I’ll admit that when Nairy told me I didn’t pay much attention. It’s not that I wasn’t interested I remember thinking “Why to such a young girl god, poor thing” but I was so caught up in my own life and issues that I didn’t further look into it.
When Cynthia contacted me on Facebook I felt like she had just gave me one of those big bear hugs that just make you relax and feel like everything will be okay. I felt the fight in her words and mind as well as true sympathy coming out of everything she wrote.
I knew right then and there that God gave her only what she could handle. God knew her strength and her big heart and knew she would use it to support others and spread love as well as her strength.
In that moment I knew I didn’t have to actually meet Cynthia in person to know that this young lady was an angel. As she told me that my family and I would be in her prayers and reminded me that “No one fights alone” I knew she was there for me.
That same day as we messaged back and forth, Cynthia offered to send my family and I some bracelets with beads and crosses that would remind us that we were not alone. Yesterday I received those beads and it was like Christmas in February! Not only were they absolutely beautiful but they put a big smile on my face because it’s like I could hear her telling me “No one fights alone”
In that moment I realized that we really are brought into this world for different purposes and I just pray that God continues to give people like Cynthia, my mom and other cancer victims the strength to fight on!
Happy with my pretty bracelets;
Kbeautifulmind

P.S if you’d like to donate to help Cynthia continue with this wonderful organization or would like to order a bracelet for a family member or yourself contact her at beadsforbattle@yahoo.com or find her on twitter: @beadsforbattle or find her page on facebook: beads for battle Inc.

Bless their kind hearts♡

Hello everyone!
As you all may know if you know me personally or have been a regular visitor to my blog I am currently fighting cancer along side with my mom.
I have to say it’s one of the hardest things I have ever been through.
Recently my mom got very sick and had to make a visit to the ER, a place we hadn’t been to in a couple of months.This made me so sad being there again knowing she was in pain.
She had so much pain in her back and leg that she couldn’t take it. After being tested and what not the doctor had told us that the cancer was now making its way into the bones causing my mom that pain as well as slowly breaking them.
Even though he exaggerated a bit he had the right concept.
So I spoke to her doctor asking what was next and how could we get started ASAP!
He told me about a treatment of $4,000 and a couple of radiation sessions for the back and hip that can range from $1,500-$3,000 with her current coverage…
Of course as annoyed as we all ready are with this hole MEDICAL bull $*&t, I was even more annoyed at the fact that realistically I wasn’t going to have that money any time soon!!!
So I took a day and sat around to think about it…
“Maybe I’ll start playing the Lottery?”
“I can pull out a loan?”
“Write a letter to a radio station or Oprah?”
“A third job might be more realistic… but when will I have time to help my mom out?”
“A fundraiser page? Donations? That’s like begging I don’t think so, I hate pity…”

As I stressed on it the next day wondering what I was going to do I decided to swallow my pride and I guess you can say “ask for help” I looked into a couple of websites and finally found the right one. I lingered some more and swallowed my pride and gave it a try!

I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears after only a couple of days. The support was coming from everywhere!

It started with mostly family members, closed friends and loved ones.

Then a couple of strangers who don’t really know me but some how saw my kind heart and my struggle in this battle to help my momma out.

Then of course there was a couple people that caught me by surprise people I dated once, was friends with once, people who talked crap about me and or to me, but hey they still donated so they must have liked me at some point in their lives or just knew the kindness in my heart. It could also be pity which I knew I’d get… but it’s fine.

All I knew is the support is non stop, I’m getting lots of kind messages, and calls from people that I don’t even know or talk to much and it’s amazing!

My close loved once have took the time to also re-post my link and spread the word. I have a friend doing a “Cut for Cure” at her Salon to help me raise money! And over all everyone is giving me all these helping hands.

I’d like to say…
Bless their kind hearts!

Because it honestly took so much out of me to even think of trying this, to even believe it was okay. My mother is the most independent warrior I know and she raised me to be the same. This battle has been so hard for me that I knew it was time to ask for a hand. The number of helping hands I have received have been more then I expected.

We and I say (WE) not (I) because I couldn’t have done this alone, have raised a total of $2,300 in a matter of 6 days!!!!
Can you say amazing!?!?!?

I’d just like to say thank you to all my supporters, donors, and readers! May God bless you all with a beautiful healthy life. If you have a minute please continue to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
And help me raise money to get my mom on treatment as soon as possible!

Grateful;
Kbeautifulmind

I’ll crawl if I have to…

A couple of weeks ago I got in a small accident with some idiot and well long story short I currently don’t have a car.
I seriously wonder sometimes if I am going to die in some sort of car accident or car situation because I always have some sort of issue. Last year alone I had 5 flat tires; can you say, bad luck? -_-

Anyway so the point of sharing that is that since I don’t have a car I’m driving my mom’s car to work and school and what not. You don’t realize how much your car means to you till you don’t have it, sharing a car with my mom is a bit stressful.

Yesterday I went to work and my mom called me around 5 to see if I was going to make it to mass. I couldn’t make it do to work and I figured she wouldn’t go because she can’t really walk.

I was wrong…

On my way home from work she called me to pick her and the boys up at church, I was so shocked wondering who had taken her or how they got there?

She took a taxi! Ha ha

I told her “Mom! A taxi? Why didn’t you just skip today, you can’t even walk!”

And she said to me…

“God doesn’t skip blessing me, or waking me up for another day, or making sure my kids and loved ones are safe… Therefor if I have to crawl to church one day out of the week for the rest of my life then I will!”

I was surprised by her answer and at the same time ashamed of myself for not thinking the same way.

It made me realize that like always she was right! God has been so good to us since she got diagnosed, and even when it seems like the road is ending he opens up another path for us.

Please take a minute to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
As I try to raise money for my mom’s treatment!

Feeling alright!
Kbeautifulmind

Can we get 6,000…?

It’s Friday after noon and I just called my mom to see how she was doing?
She is a bit better today, her back no longer hurts but she can barely walk, because the pain on the leg is still very strong.
We got a hold of the doctor after we left the hospital and clearly I was right (read my last post) the doctor at emergency over exaggerated a bit. I mean he wasn’t lying, yes cancer in the bone eventually eats up at the bones causing them to collapse. However my mom isn’t quiet there yet. The doctor said her cancer had not grown or moved compared to the last scan he did and that as long as we acted on it we can buy her some time.

Our next issue is the Medi-Cal, my mom has been waiting for an approval for full coverage for over a year now and every time it gets denied….

“She make to “much money!”” they say….

Yet she has no income at all coming in right now… Does that make any sense?

Anyway, as of now my mom has a monthly deductible of 1000 for any medical care that’s not including her treatments and medication.

Therefor even though the doctor has suggested a treatment that can prolong her life and radiation to decrease the pain, we have to either wait or get about $6,000 together to get things started.

Well as you all may predict my mouth dropped as I shead tears knowing there was no way I could get $6,000. My mom told me to stop crying “things will work out for the best.” Even though I appreciate her strength and I am glad she is so positive, I knew in that moment things won’t fall into place any time soon. Unless I could get $6,000 soon. I knew there was no way I was going to win the lottery or meet some one super wealthy that wouldn’t mind just giving me 6,000 dollars and I knew I couldn’t save that money on top of all the bills I have to pay with the kind of money I make. So I decided to swallow my pride and start a fundraiser. Well its not exactly a fundraiser I guess, it’s more like another way of begging for money which is why I kept questioning it and why I’m keeping it from my mom.
So far I’ve raised 265 dollars just telling a small summary of our crazy life story and if this is going to help get my mom treated faster then so be it. I don’t care if she finds out and gets mad, I don’t care what other’s have to say, I need her here with me and the fact that I can’t make things better kills me inside every single day. Therefore I will do anything to get her that treatment, even if it’s considered begging.

I’m sorry mom that I am asking others for help but I’m not ready to give in to loosing you just yet and I still can’t handle all of this on my own.

For those of you interested in her status, I’ll keep you updated.

and if you care to donate or maybe even just want to share the link to help me spread the word….

Share this link on your social media pages and ask friends to share too! Let’s raise some money for my mommy! http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c

Until next time,
Kbeautifulmind

Now these are good friends…

I’m currently at the hospital with my mom, she is in a lot, a lot of pain. I seriously hate this freaken disease. I am so so sleepy, I feel bad for being sleepy because I know she needs me right now!

Not only is seeing her in pain frustrating but it’s also all so confusing.

She just had a cat scan so we are waiting for results. She has this bad pain in her lower back, she can’t move at all, we know there is cancer now by her spine but it has been there for a while and as far as we know it’s not really harmful yet…

She had to pee, and she couldn’t even move so her two friends had to help me lift her, pull her panties down and slip something underneath to catch her pee…

With unbearable pain and all, as we saw all of her naked parts she looked at me and said “Now these are good friends” and like always she was right, she has close amazing friends that always have her back.

1 1/2 hours later…

Results came back, it sounds weird but I hate how these doctors explain…

“Results show there is pieces of mass on her spine, which is causing her pain, if something isn’t done soon it will continue to eat at it till her bones collaps.”

I wanted to say “Dude RELAX”

So I began to ask, what does the scan show? How do you know it is IN the bones?”

“Well it’s right next to the spine”

“Yes I know that, it has been there since she got diagnosed”

Basically long story short they over exaggerate. I mean I understand they don’t have all her history so what they see is what they say, however they need to relax!

I have to say they make me more nervous….

It can’t be moving fast through her body, it just can’t!……. I pray not…

30 minutes later…

Taking her home in a bit, making a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, let’s see what’s next.

Feeling a bit sad;
Kbeautifulmind

Not even an air bag can stop me…

The other night I was in a great mood, on my way to wallmart to look for a new lunch pale, rocking out to country music, not on my phone or doing anything I shouldnt be doing while driving. Then all of a sudden this idiot decided to cut me off not realizing he was going way to fast for the traffic. He had to suddenly break and I don’t know what happened next. All I remember is trying to break, I guess I didn’t make it on time and my air bag popped directing towards my face but I been hit by an air bag before so I lifted my face as high as I could so that it wouldn’t get hit. I felt the hit right in my chest as I could smell and taste that nasty acidic powder that comes out of the air bag. I took a couple of seconds to make sure I was okay then it all hit me…

“F*&K MY CAR!! CRAP THAT HURT!! FREAKEN A-HOLE!”

I step out of my car and I just hear “F***, F***, F***!”

Still shocked I told him, “Sorry man, you shouldn’t have been speeding and I couldn’t break on time…”

He relaxed and we finished the process and of course according to the law; the accident was “my fault”.

So now my car is done! Who knows how much it’s going to cost to fix it, I only had liability insurance so I’m not covered… but he is so that’s good I guess, even though his car had like a scratch. I’m also alive, since the last time I got hit by an air bag my car flipped over and paramedics were shocked I wasn’t broken so that’s also a plus. I would hate to die in a car accident, that would suck.

Then I spend the next two days sad, sad because God knows I can’t afford this right now. Sad because I just finished paying off my car only a year ago, and sad because the year had just started and it was already not looking very good.

This morning as I was driving to work in my boyfriends car (lucky guy is in Vegas) and I was listening to Pandora to some rap, one of my favorite rappers said…

“So the next time you feel like your world’s about to end, I hope you studied because he’s testing your faith again” -Kendrick Lamar

In that moment I realized that it’s life all of it, accidents, loosing your job, breaking your phone, failing a class, crashing your car, loosing your purse/wallet, etc.

Everything happens for a reason maybe god wanted me to have a new car this year (even though he knows I hate car payments) but hey! He knows what’s best for me.

This morning I decided that as long as I still get to live, and have my family and loved one’s by my side; not an air bag or some A-hole on the road was going to stop me from being positive and enjoying the new year!!!

Sending positive vibes your way!
Kbeautifulmind

Oh 2014, the year to start living…

Hi Everyone!
Happy new year!

Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect. -Alan Cohen

For my first post for 2014 I just want to say “I’m not afraid anymore…” – Home Alone (I love these movies) ha ha.

What I meant by that is…
I been afraid for about three years now. Not just afraid about one thing but about many things.
In 2011 I was heart broken, scarred myself to continue to be afraid of love, trust, and happiness. I was afraid of friendship, new beginnings and moving forward. That lasted until late 2013… sadly to admit. I dwelled on all that had hurt me and on all I had done to hurt others actually making myself believe I was a horrible person… and every time something happened or I got hurt again I’d say “this is my karma”
In 2012 I became more angry then afraid wondering why everyone else around me seemed happy while I was still hurting, then at the very end of 2012 the year smacked me in the face and told me “Kels! Snap out of it, there is other more important thing’s…” as my mom was diagnosed I realized there was more to life, more things to worry about, to value.
In 2013 I had mixed feelings for life and how it all works as I wondered what the point of life was anyway…

However; this year…

I’m not afraid anymore!

I’ve finally took a deep breath, inhaled life for what it has to offer and decided that life goes on past the bad times, the regrets, the mistakes and the sadness and you have to move forward with it.

Times will be hard, sad, stressful and so on but nothing lasts forever so we must live and try to relax through it all.

With god by my side and my faith in him, I know 2014 will be just right.

Small thought;

Kbeautifulmind

Last night as I was getting out from work my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to join her for confession…

I lied and said I was still at work, and went Christmas shopping instead.

I don’t know why I lied but I think it was because I hadn’t been to confession and hadn’t even step foot in a church in over a year.

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to attend midnight mass on christmas eve and I didn’t even make it to that last year…

When I was driving home that night I began to ask myself why I lied? And I had no excuse. I think I was afraid to face him.

I use to go to church every Sunday and always participated in confession, prayer, and I actually enjoyed it. I found it to be a place of peace and I felt happy when I was there.

Last year when my mom was diagnosed, I became mad at god. I was upset with him as I spend my days asking him why she deserved this? What made him choose her? Hasn’t she been through enough? Haven’t we been through enough? Why are you doing this to us!?!?!
I was very very mad at god; I had never felt so hurt, mad, and lost. I felt my faith dissolving.

Then one night when I was off on a Sunday my mom asked if I’d like to attend church with her, I told her “No I’m too tired”… and she confronted me…

“Well every Sunday for the last couple of months your excuse has been “work” today your excuse is you’re “tired” even though you are off? I don’t know what your deal is or why you no longer like to go to church but let me tell you something, we are still breathing and have all we have thanks to the man up stairs. Sometimes you need to take a little break and tell him thank you. If you don’t want to go to church then I hope you are at least speaking to him….”

If she only knew how much I was speaking to him, more like questioning him…

I stayed very quite and then told her “I don’t know If I believe in god anymore, I’m mad at him.”

My mom’s face looked like I had just slapped her really really hard.

She looked at me with a face of disappointment and said…

“I am so shocked to hear that coming from some one who use to always tell me, “No matter what happeneds, If we have faith everything will be okay!” I get you are mad so was I but I do believe he only gives us what we can handle.”

And she left…

I ended up crying myself into a nap after that. When I woke up I knew she was right, I went for a walk and I apologized to god for questioning him and yelling. I told him I was sorry and how grateful I was for still protecting me and being by my side even when I lost faith in him.

A year later today, I decided to go to confession and really face him. Before we were dismissed to stand in line to confess to one of the 25 priests, there was a small mass. The priest directing it said something along the lines of “… he never pushes us away no matter our sins, we push him away” and he was right. I pushed god away even when he still had my back and stood by my side.

Now I know not everyone reading this is a roman catholic like I am, but I am sharing this with the hope that if anyone is going through hard times like I am, understand that “everything happeneds for a reason” and with even just a little bit of faith, everything will be okay.

Faithful;
Kbeautifulmind