“I’m so proud of you”

“Congratulations on all your great efforts and accomplishments… I’m so proud of you. I’ve always believed in you girls…”

“I am a changed man,” he said…
“I’d like to apologize for anything I might have said…
I’d like to apologize “if” at any time, I hurt you, girls…”

Oh shit, I am really reading this…
even after all these years you dare to say “If”?

“I am a changed man,” he said…

Oh, you changed? Is that suppose to mean something to me, is that what you’re saying?

Let me back track to my childhood for a bit…
Forget it, I’ve let that rest.

Let me back track to age fifteen… When I believed that “maybe” you deserved a chance…
Forget it, I’ve let that rest.

Let me back track to my freshmen year in college… “You’re dumb, you’ll never amount to anything… the day you die… I’m going to thank god for it.”
Forget it, I’ve forgiven you and also let that rest.

Let me back track to a couple years ago…

You said my mom deserved the sickness she was given, yet she was the one who raised us while she was living…
How does such a warrior deserve such sickness?
Even though I’ve accepted that was her journey, I still have moments when I can’t seem to understand or believe it.
Why is it that the one that did what was right, deserved to go, and the bastard that showed us nothing but hate and violence, deserved more?

And who made you the superior to speak such words?

With time I learned that your words were nothing but words, coming from an ill man who’s own childhood had brought him to this mindset of urge.
The urge to hurt those around him and destroy…
I feel sorry for you, I do. Yet, this is still not a good enough excuse.

So many times I wish you would have been there, and when I grew up I realize how blessed I was to not be so privileged.

Yet, here you are “proud and all” what an “honor”…
Do you really think somehow you deserve to be loved by your daughters?

Do you think you have the right to be proud of MY accomplishments?

“You guys are my only ones always forever?”

Only ones? 26 years later?

I think you must have forgotten, mom was the only one there, you were a no-show…
She worked to die, we never saw her…
But she had to be tough because you weren’t man enough.

Why don’t you do us both a favor and pretend we are dead too.

“I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, you guys will never be dead to me or will stop being my beautiful daughters. Because the day you two were born marks the day that you will forever be my daughters and I will wait forever with open arms…”

Ooohhh, now your arms are open?
I guess you didn’t know that your little girl would grow up to be so strong, so capable, so accomplished, or so admirable

They say be careful with the things you say, because once you say them you can’t take them back.

Let me back track…
“You’re dumb, you’ll never amount to anything…”
Forget it, I’ve let it rest.

You say you’re proud?
Well, sit back, because I am just getting started.

-Kbeautifulmind

I will not 

I will not allow anyone or anything make me feel sorry for the way I love. I love hard. 

I love sincerely. 

I love with all my heart. 

I love this way because I have lost. 

I love this way because I know we are not all here forever. 

I love this way because I am grateful. 

I will now allow anyone or anything make me feel sorry for the way I love. 

Because If I intimidate the relationships of others for the way I love myself, my friends, and family… 

Then it’s is completely obvious that I am not the one with a problem. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

When my mom passed…

When my mother passed, my life began. My world came crashing down, and a piece of my heart died with her. 

However; her death was the beginning of a beautiful and perfectly imperfect new me. 

When my mother passed, I promised to love deeper. 

I promised to express my love for those I cared about, and appreciate them to my full potential. 

I promised to be grateful for the love and blessing friendships I was so lucky to have. 

I promised to appreciate the kindness and help of all of those that had showed me so much support. 

I promised to be good. 

I promised to do good. 

I promised that even though I knew I wasn’t perfect, I’d always try to be the best. 

I promised that I’d be a good person in this world but that when I wasn’t, I’d forgive myself and not play victim or be too hard on myself. 

When my mom died, my world came crashing down…

Only to rebuild itself to the world I’ve always wanted to live in. 

In this world I forgive, I hurt but I look at the bright side. 

I do my best to over come anything thrown my way, and I TRULY live and love the life I’m living. 

When my mom passed, my life began. 

-Kbeautiflmind 

Hopeful

Since the moment I met you, there was something in your eyes.

There was something about being in your arms, there was something in our chemistry.

Let this be the way it begins.

Meet me half way, all I ask is that you meet me half way.

I know you’re scared, I’m scared too.

More than you can imagine but, I’m also hopeful.

If you’re not scared, then you’re not paying attention.

You can be scared but being hopeful is what will get you through.

Let this be the way it begins.

Meet me half way, all I ask is that you meet me halfway…

and that you try to be hopeful with me.

-Kbeautifulmind

I am proud.


(Photo by photographer friend: Instagram: @itsonwithjon)

As I think about my graduation slowly creeping up…

A part of me is excited and I can’t wait, and the other part of me is sad and just wants to get it over with.

To be honest, I’ve been super sad.

I wish my madresita linda could be there for me.

I know, I know… “She’ll be there in spirit!” “She gets the best view!” “She’ll be celebrating from up above!”

As you can see, I’ve heard them all, and I know these are all very true…

But, she won’t be there in physical form.

I can’t actually celebrate with her.

I can’t hug her, kiss her, squeeze her, scream with her, laugh with her, or even take a picture with her.

I can’t hear her saying, “I am so proud of you!”

I can’t, and knowing that just makes me miss her and want her there even more.

This special moment in my life and many others to come will just have to be “sad and happy.”

No matter how much time passes, they will always be bitter sweet.

During this entire emotional roller coaster I’ve been going through since April, one emotion I been sure about since day one is my “pride.”

I am so f&*%en proud!

I am proud that I am finally finishing. I am proud that I am receiving one of three degrees I need to follow my ultimate dream.

I am proud that I over came so much.

I am proud that I did it!

I did it, even after life kicking me to the grown on my ass, I did it.

After heartbreaks, illnesses, tears, cancer, death, grieving, family drama, stress, loss of sleep, hard work, more stress, and at times thinking I couldn’t…

I did it!

and even made honor role, yup you guys read right.

While running a household and dealing with so much more than I could handle sometimes… I made the honor role at, California State University of Dominguez Hills.

How can someone not be proud of these accomplishments?

However, being proud of myself is only a portion of it.

I am proud of my mother.

Mi madresita linda, que tanto lucho y se esfuerzo.

La que llego de indocumentada.

La que lucho, fue fuerte, y nunca se rajo.

and like she said…

“Sufri, pase hambres, y humillaciones. Llore, y asta me quise regresar por que estaba de arrimada. Pero aqui me quede. Y la vida me fregaba, pero yo segui adelante.”

“Asi es que, recuerden me con honor, y pongan se las pilas! Siempre hagan el esfuerzo de seguir  adelante. No dejen que nada ni nadien se les ponga en el camino.”

Therefore, she is who I am most proud of.


(Photo by photographer friend: Instagram: @itsonwithjon)

I am proud of her and honored to have been the daughter of an immigrant  guerrera (warrior)!

Anticipating my graduation,

Kbeautfiulmind

 

 

They say…

It’s been a couple of hard weeks for me. Since Easter morning I’ve been riding in a emotional roller coaster. They say time heals all wounds, but does it? 

To an extend we sure do hope it’s true, when you want to forget about something or someone. 

You break up with a significant other, lose a friend, or go through a traumatic event and as time passes it’s like “Oh, this is nice. I’m better.” 

Specially if they did something shitty to you then it’s like, “Wow! This is great, I can’t believe I was crying when it happened.” 

The memories slowly disappear and that person once again means nothing to you. 
But, when you lose someone you really love to death, time can be very dreadful. 

Losing my mother was hard, and it’s gotten easier to deal with but I don’t know if I could ever see the wound healing. 
My mom hated taking pictures, she was very shy and reserved and would just rather not be the center of attention. 

So, time passing with her being gone can be so scary. You feel like maybe you’ll forget them. Their isn’t no updated pictures, no more silly voice mails or text messages. You start feeling like you might be forgetting what their hugs, kisses, and voice felt or sounded like. You still remember them but it’s now at random and they still feel like they are there but it’s only sometimes… So you try. 

You try to pray to them, talk to them, and at night you even think about them with hope that they will visit you in your dreams. You even have moments where you think, “I’ve always been scared to see your spirit but it sure would be nice if this could happen now!” Just so you can get one more look at them, one more conversation, one more listen to their laugh. 

Letting go of someone who wasn’t good for you makes time passing a blessing. However, needing to accept that someone is gone that you weren’t ready to let go of is so dreadful. 

I miss her like crazy! 

I wish she was here to see all the shitty things that are happening and also all the awesome things that are happening. 

I miss her hugs and her hands running through my hair, when I asked her to help me get rid of me “head aches.” 

I miss her silly jokes and her wonderful words of advise with everything from school and life to even friendship and romance. 

I know she’s with me, but I could really use her presence in my life again. 

It’s just not the same since she’s left, and I think that no matter how much times passes, nothing could ever heal or fill that void I have in my heart. 

-Kbeautifulmind 

Dear me,

There will be times when even though you have build up this strength…

You will feel weak.

Times, when you won’t understand the universe and it’s plan.

Times, when you will question your value and worth.

Those times will pass.

They must pass.

You must choose to believe in yourself again.

You must choose to remember you’re worthy.

Worthy of love, worthy of affection, worthy of attention, worthy of acceptance, worthy  of being chosen, and worthy of second chances.

There will be times like these, plenty of them…

Those times will pass.

-Kbeautifulmind

image

The thing with life, is that you can’t always control what it throws at you.
Sometimes you just have to accept it, face it, try to find the solution, and deal with it.

“The key to survival is building a rich life.” -Kbeautifulmind

Now, I don’t mean becoming financially rich. Even though having good finacial stability can help with the finacial issues…
However, having all the money in the world doesn’t necessarily mean you live a “rich” life.

What I mean by this is being a “rich” human being.

Being a person who grabs the ugly life throws at them, and still finds beauty.

Being a person who is not dependent on others to make their day, or holds them responsible for their view on life.

Being a person that may feel down at times (because lets face it, it’s human nature) but, can get right back up and fight on.

Life is a struggle, but if you are “rich” you have found the key and comfort to survive in this world.

If you don’t love yourself, believe in yourself, and most of all trust yourself in the environment you live in…

then almost anything you have to face will bring you down to the point of self destruction.

So remember…

“The key to survival is building a rich life.”

To be internally happy and feel rich with just who you are and what you have to offer.

If you live a rich life…

No violance,

No abuse,

No hate,

No envy,

No betrayal,

No pain,

No hurt,

No disease,

No problem,

and No obstacle,

could allow you to become dysfunctional.

Why?

Because you are rich.

You will always feel these negative effects and you will always be afraid but, you will not be destroyed by any of them.

-Kbeautifulmind

The challenge of life…

Weather you believe in god or not…

Sometimes life starts throwing these punches at you, and you can’t help but look up and go… “Why!? Why me!? Can you give me a break!?”

Everyone starts saying things like…

“You are going to be okay.”

“Everything will work it’s self out.”

“God only gives you what you can handle.”

and my favorite one…

“You must continue to be positive and have faith.”

The challenge of life isn’t necessarily over coming the obstacles, it’s more of believing you can.

In a moment of receiving bad news, it’s a bit hard to “be positive and have faith.”

In a moment of losing something or someone, you can’t even imagine “everything is going to be okay.”

In a moment of being knocked on your ass with a problem that seems to not have a solution, you don’t assume that “everything will work itself out.”

and…

In a moment when it seems like life is just picking on you…

and it’s one bad news…

followed by another bad news…

and you can’t seem to understand…

or, find the answers you are looking for…

it feels as if God or life is out to get you and you can’t seem to understand “WHY!?”

well,

You definetly are not thinking…

“God only gives you what you can handle.”

You see, the challenge in life isn’t over coming the obstacle.

It’s believing that the odds will be in your favor, and that you can actually do it.

Specifically when it seems as if life has been out to get you, your entire LIFE.

My word of advise for all of you and myself…

If we are blessed to continue to see another day, we will be alright.

-Kbeautifulmind