I am a Single Mother

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In only a couple of days it will be 5 months since my mom has passed. I miss her like crazy everyday and every minute. I wish I could still come home and see her face and hear her voice but I can’t.
I was hoping that since she’d passed I’d be able to avoid hospitals for a while. However I’ve been to three different one’s since. Methodist our near home hospital which I am already familiar with because my mom spend 2 years in and out of there. Huntington Hospital in Pasadena where my sister ended up after being hit by a car (yes unfortunately the bitch is still running loose, I don’t know what is taking so long). Then there is also The children’s hospital of Los Angeles where I now know my way around because my brother has been here since Sunday. If any of you readers care, we are ALL OKAY no need to worry.
I still wish we had never made it to these places anyway. Everything about hospitals creeps me out now. The hallways, elivators, the beds, and the cold feeling you get no matter the temperature outside (102° by the way) and of course that sad feeling you get that you are not here for your mom anymore. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like my body and heart get this hope that they might see her again for a couple of minutes until my mind has to calm it down and say “sorry but she will not be here”.
What really brought me back to reality was when I was filling out the forms for my brothers admittion into the hospital and the man asked me “Are you a single mother or are you married?”
I answered with confusion on my face…
“Ummm, I am his sister”
and he said to me…
“Well of course, but the mother is deceased now and you are his guardian so are you a single mother or are you married?”
And with an empty feeling in my heart I answered “I am a single mother”
I walked out of there almost devistated. Not because I was raising my siblings or anything but because I never thought of it that way, until him. I was now something I never wanted to be. I was now a “Single Mother”. I knew it wasn’t by choice but I began to sort of freak out thinking of all I struggled along  side of my single mother and wondered what would happen if I’d also fall in the future causing my siblings to struggle too?
I never could had imagined my life like this, I had a plan and it was destroyed and re written for me. And even though it saddened me and stressed me a lot I told myself as I walked back into my brothers hospital room, “You are a single mother now! Who was raised by one of the warriors of single mothers… You can do this!”
I went from negative to positive in only seconds but my brain was again smacking me out of it saying…
“You got this!”

Feeling positive and trying to stay strong;
Kbeautifulmind

Oh Cancer how I hate you, your giving me white hairs…

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Hospitals Hospitals are so creepy.
Its Friday afternoon and its my moms fake Birthday technically her Birthday is tomorrow but once upon a time she had a sister who was born today a year before her and died. When my mom was born my grandma made the decision to give her the same name so when she came to the United States my mom brought with her the wrong birth certificate… I know weird right?
But anyways thats all in the processed of getting fixed but her birthday is really tomorrow.
Im waiting for results on my moms cat scan and X rays, and I came to the bathroom and I have 3 white hairs, oh god did that make me feel old… but I know its the stress…
Last night my mom was having alot of chest pain and got really sick “looking” on me, I began to worry but she said to wait it out so we did…
I couldn’t sleep just keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay…
I began to think again how unfair this was, Why does a 46 year old lady who worked hard her whole life deserve to have it end like this? I mean Im not saying anyone deserves this sickness but you would think that some people deserve a easy path after all the hard ones they have encountered right?
Sometimes I get frustrated I know I shouldn’t question god or why he does the things he does but sometimes I just wish I could understand or get a little sign that everything is going to be okay…
Really dont know how to feel right now except for the fact that Im kind of annoyed I had to call out of work because we need any money we can get. Im annoyed she couldnt start her chemotherapy this morning and Im annoyed how long it takes to wait for all this stuff…
But then again I’m glad to now be spending her fake birthday with her even if its in this cold hospital.

Just a little venting,

Kbeautifulmind