Now these are good friends…


I’m currently at the hospital with my mom, she is in a lot, a lot of pain. I seriously hate this freaken disease. I am so so sleepy, I feel bad for being sleepy because I know she needs me right now!

Not only is seeing her in pain frustrating but it’s also all so confusing.

She just had a cat scan so we are waiting for results. She has this bad pain in her lower back, she can’t move at all, we know there is cancer now by her spine but it has been there for a while and as far as we know it’s not really harmful yet…

She had to pee, and she couldn’t even move so her two friends had to help me lift her, pull her panties down and slip something underneath to catch her pee…

With unbearable pain and all, as we saw all of her naked parts she looked at me and said “Now these are good friends” and like always she was right, she has close amazing friends that always have her back.

1 1/2 hours later…

Results came back, it sounds weird but I hate how these doctors explain…

“Results show there is pieces of mass on her spine, which is causing her pain, if something isn’t done soon it will continue to eat at it till her bones collaps.”

I wanted to say “Dude RELAX”

So I began to ask, what does the scan show? How do you know it is IN the bones?”

“Well it’s right next to the spine”

“Yes I know that, it has been there since she got diagnosed”

Basically long story short they over exaggerate. I mean I understand they don’t have all her history so what they see is what they say, however they need to relax!

I have to say they make me more nervous….

It can’t be moving fast through her body, it just can’t!……. I pray not…

30 minutes later…

Taking her home in a bit, making a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, let’s see what’s next.

Feeling a bit sad;

What if I fell into a coma…

Today I sit here tired and bored getting paid to do nothing.
I should be taking this time to start working on my term paper but my brain is filled with so many other thoughts.
Life can be such a handful, I begin to think about all that has gone wrong in my life and all that has gone right.
I have fallen as many times as I have been lifted up yet the falling always seems to hurt more.
Today the scars outweight my heart and I begin to wonder or imagine this story of what would happen if I fell into a coma.
I wouldn’t want to check out for a long time maybe 3 months max, into a deep sleep where my body, mind and soul just gets to rest and rebut it’s self so that it comes back with a stronger grip on life.
There is so many questions I’d want answered when I woke up.
What did I miss?
Who still lives?
Who was born?
Who was worried about me?
And who stood by my side for all 3 months?
I also began to wonder what If I woke up and remebered nothing?
Would I be okay starting over with a blank slate?  Or would I miss some of it?
Who would I remember? What would I forget?

I almost drove myself crazy thinking about this. I mean seriously it would be a big deal to be able to check out like that with the possibility that you might wake up knowing no one or remembering nothing!?

In a way it would be nice, even though my past makes me the better person I am today, If some of these memories could be erased I would no longer have to feel some of the pain and hurt that haunts me on random days.

Then I relized that even though there is more things I would like to forget then those I want to remember; If I actually forgot a lot of these things I’d probably feel empty.
I began to realize that its the memories in my life that make me who I am and have kept me going.

However I have to admit it be nice to at least have the option…

Maybe, just maybe if it could be as easy as grabbing it all like a group of documents or pictures you no longer want or need and putting them in a fire pit, watching them burn slowly and once they were done burning they’d be gone forever. If they could be gone but still leave me with the good lessons and not take away my new persona with them would I take it? Would I be willing to let go of everything in order to no longer hurt until of course getting hurt again?

Its a very interesting thought…. isn’t it?
What would you do?

I might take burning it all over the coma… If only.