I am a Single Mother


In only a couple of days it will be 5 months since my mom has passed. I miss her like crazy everyday and every minute. I wish I could still come home and see her face and hear her voice but I can’t.
I was hoping that since she’d passed I’d be able to avoid hospitals for a while. However I’ve been to three different one’s since. Methodist our near home hospital which I am already familiar with because my mom spend 2 years in and out of there. Huntington Hospital in Pasadena where my sister ended up after being hit by a car (yes unfortunately the bitch is still running loose, I don’t know what is taking so long). Then there is also The children’s hospital of Los Angeles where I now know my way around because my brother has been here since Sunday. If any of you readers care, we are ALL OKAY no need to worry.
I still wish we had never made it to these places anyway. Everything about hospitals creeps me out now. The hallways, elivators, the beds, and the cold feeling you get no matter the temperature outside (102° by the way) and of course that sad feeling you get that you are not here for your mom anymore. It sounds crazy but it’s almost like my body and heart get this hope that they might see her again for a couple of minutes until my mind has to calm it down and say “sorry but she will not be here”.
What really brought me back to reality was when I was filling out the forms for my brothers admittion into the hospital and the man asked me “Are you a single mother or are you married?”
I answered with confusion on my face…
“Ummm, I am his sister”
and he said to me…
“Well of course, but the mother is deceased now and you are his guardian so are you a single mother or are you married?”
And with an empty feeling in my heart I answered “I am a single mother”
I walked out of there almost devistated. Not because I was raising my siblings or anything but because I never thought of it that way, until him. I was now something I never wanted to be. I was now a “Single Mother”. I knew it wasn’t by choice but I began to sort of freak out thinking of all I struggled along  side of my single mother and wondered what would happen if I’d also fall in the future causing my siblings to struggle too?
I never could had imagined my life like this, I had a plan and it was destroyed and re written for me. And even though it saddened me and stressed me a lot I told myself as I walked back into my brothers hospital room, “You are a single mother now! Who was raised by one of the warriors of single mothers… You can do this!”
I went from negative to positive in only seconds but my brain was again smacking me out of it saying…
“You got this!”

Feeling positive and trying to stay strong;




When one puts down the success or fortune of others due to jealousy.

See hater, hatorade
She is “hating” on me because I won the lottery and she didn’t.

We all do it…
“My X-boyfriends girl looks like a transvestite.”
“My new boyfriend’s X has the mouth of a horse.”
“She’s fat.”
“She is to skinny”
“My x-girlfriends new man looks like a whimp”
“He swears like he is hot”
“He is too buff, he takes steroids”
“Too skinny… tweaker for sure!”
“What is he/she wearing”
“He/She is fake, that’s not how they were in High School”
“He/she is just a follower, following the trend”
“I don’t like her/him… just because”

And it goes on and on and on….

Can you say guilty? I’ve probably said or at least thought one of these a couple of times in my life and that’s normal.
We ALL do it!
And for those of you that are pretending you don’t then you probably also say things like…

“EWW, I’m not fake, I don’t talk shit I say it to your face”


Yes bull because if you walked around telling everyone you saw what you thought of them… well let’s just say it wouldn’t be a pretty picture.

We all keep things to ourselves and always look at someone and some how can seem to find one thing that we don’t like. We are human and it is bound to happen and that is okay.
I mean we even do it to ourselves we are never fully happy with how we look, feel, or where we are in life. We seem to always want more…

So even though hating is a horrible thing it is sadly almost natural but what makes it natural and what makes it not okay?

Well thats what I want to write about, the “not okay” which would be saying it to their face or out loud for them to hear, or posting it on social media with their name attached to it.

First of all why are you waisting your time? Stop being a Bully!

The reason for this subject was because I was inspired by a situation I saw on social media a couple of weeks ago. Not only could I not believe what I was reading but I could not believe that people still do this at our age. I mean drama in high school was one thing but now at age 24? Who cares what others are doing, look like, act like?
Mind your own business! 

 I have a friend from High school who has changed A LOT since our younger days. She was never “big” or anything but has definitely become more fit and over all just seems healthy spiritually and physically.
Even though “fitness” does seem to be the trend now in days she was one of the first people I notice changing her life for the better and she has honestly been such an inspiration. I always catch myself looking at her pictures where she is doing all these crazy moves and I’m always wondering “Dam how the hell does she even bend like that? That’s awesome!”


The other day I was scrowling through my Facebook time line when I saw she had posted this absolutely beautiful picture that over all just captured her and everything she has become… 


I mean come on isn’t it awesome?

Well if you look closely at her pictures not only is she in amazing shape but she seems to have hair on her arms. Something that honestly only a hater or someone looking for something wrong would spot in these pictures.
And if you already guessed… then you guessed right! Someone did see it, and actually dared to say something to her about it.

This person dared to comment on her picture and say…
“Is that hair on your arms? You are too manly!”

I honestly could not believe what I was reading…

I mean honestly we are humans,  mammals to be exact hair on our body just is. Yes it’s true that most of us wax and shave or thread but isn’t that our own business or decision to make?

I seriously could not help but laugh at such ignorance, but I will say I was so so proud of how she delt with it.

Any one else would have probably freaked out, maybe take the picture down or start waxing/shaving their arms but instead she said
“Of course I have hairy arms I’m Latina”
Can you say classic come back!
You go girl!
She also replied to the ignorance with this…


“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
This is me. And I love every part of who I am.
I usually don’t care what people say about me… but I feel like I should say something. Yesterday, I posted a photo and someone asked me if that was “air” (he meant hair) on my arms and that I look too manly cause of my muscles. I was shocked that one of my so called “friends” on fb would actually say something like that to me. My first reaction was actually me laughing at him. I really couldn’t believe that he looked for something negative to say about my photo. Now he didn’t really get to me like I thought he would have, but he did make me think…. Wow… there are SO many BOYS in this world just like him, and say these things (even worse) to women everywhere; You’re too fat, too skinny, you have a flat ass, no boobs. blah blah blah…. and that is why women feel that they are supposed to look a certain way to be considered pretty, beautiful, gorgeous or hot, whatever the hell you wanna call it. YES I have hair on my arms, I don’t have a fat ass, big boobs, or any of that shit. I could care less If I ever have any of that. I am an athlete, I love to lift, practice yoga and cook. Aesthetics are the last thing running through my mind. I love me first and that is why I am happy. I don’t look for happiness everywhere else. I don’t look for approval from the whole world. Neither should any one else. Women need to stand up for themselves and be YOU. Someone says something to try and bring u down… then tell em to kick rocks. They aren’t worthy of your time. Stay true to yourself♡
Sorry for writing a whole freakin story. Just had to get that off my tiny chest:) ♡” -Cynthia Rodriguez

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen if your hating stop it, or do it secretly but don’t do or say things to try and hurt others because you end up looking like the idiot.
If you are a victim of such ignorance remember that you are beautiful no matter what others say. That confidence over shines everything as long as you have it. It’s also not worth it to worry about what other people think because no matter what you do they will always find something wrong.

Love yourself!

Thanks for reading;

(This post was written with permission of Cynthia Rodriguez)

Now these are good friends…


I’m currently at the hospital with my mom, she is in a lot, a lot of pain. I seriously hate this freaken disease. I am so so sleepy, I feel bad for being sleepy because I know she needs me right now!

Not only is seeing her in pain frustrating but it’s also all so confusing.

She just had a cat scan so we are waiting for results. She has this bad pain in her lower back, she can’t move at all, we know there is cancer now by her spine but it has been there for a while and as far as we know it’s not really harmful yet…

She had to pee, and she couldn’t even move so her two friends had to help me lift her, pull her panties down and slip something underneath to catch her pee…

With unbearable pain and all, as we saw all of her naked parts she looked at me and said “Now these are good friends” and like always she was right, she has close amazing friends that always have her back.

1 1/2 hours later…

Results came back, it sounds weird but I hate how these doctors explain…

“Results show there is pieces of mass on her spine, which is causing her pain, if something isn’t done soon it will continue to eat at it till her bones collaps.”

I wanted to say “Dude RELAX”

So I began to ask, what does the scan show? How do you know it is IN the bones?”

“Well it’s right next to the spine”

“Yes I know that, it has been there since she got diagnosed”

Basically long story short they over exaggerate. I mean I understand they don’t have all her history so what they see is what they say, however they need to relax!

I have to say they make me more nervous….

It can’t be moving fast through her body, it just can’t!……. I pray not…

30 minutes later…

Taking her home in a bit, making a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, let’s see what’s next.

Feeling a bit sad;

What if I fell into a coma…

Today I sit here tired and bored getting paid to do nothing.
I should be taking this time to start working on my term paper but my brain is filled with so many other thoughts.
Life can be such a handful, I begin to think about all that has gone wrong in my life and all that has gone right.
I have fallen as many times as I have been lifted up yet the falling always seems to hurt more.
Today the scars outweight my heart and I begin to wonder or imagine this story of what would happen if I fell into a coma.
I wouldn’t want to check out for a long time maybe 3 months max, into a deep sleep where my body, mind and soul just gets to rest and rebut it’s self so that it comes back with a stronger grip on life.
There is so many questions I’d want answered when I woke up.
What did I miss?
Who still lives?
Who was born?
Who was worried about me?
And who stood by my side for all 3 months?
I also began to wonder what If I woke up and remebered nothing?
Would I be okay starting over with a blank slate?  Or would I miss some of it?
Who would I remember? What would I forget?

I almost drove myself crazy thinking about this. I mean seriously it would be a big deal to be able to check out like that with the possibility that you might wake up knowing no one or remembering nothing!?

In a way it would be nice, even though my past makes me the better person I am today, If some of these memories could be erased I would no longer have to feel some of the pain and hurt that haunts me on random days.

Then I relized that even though there is more things I would like to forget then those I want to remember; If I actually forgot a lot of these things I’d probably feel empty.
I began to realize that its the memories in my life that make me who I am and have kept me going.

However I have to admit it be nice to at least have the option…

Maybe, just maybe if it could be as easy as grabbing it all like a group of documents or pictures you no longer want or need and putting them in a fire pit, watching them burn slowly and once they were done burning they’d be gone forever. If they could be gone but still leave me with the good lessons and not take away my new persona with them would I take it? Would I be willing to let go of everything in order to no longer hurt until of course getting hurt again?

Its a very interesting thought…. isn’t it?
What would you do?

I might take burning it all over the coma… If only.