You robbed me.

You robbed me.

Days, months, a year and more later, I can finally speak of it.

You robbed me.

You robbed me for my beauty, my innocence, my strenght, my confidence, for everything I believed in, you saw my vulnerability and you stripped me for everything I was.

You were so insecure and unhappy with yourself, and I was your victim.

From the minute we got involved romantically, you played me.

You played me, you’d lie and lie to me, and you’d blame and blame me.

You brought me down to my knees, to tears, to insecurity, to pain…
pain that made me believe it was all my fault.
Pain that made me believe I deserved it, pain that made me believe there was something wrong with ME.

You never hit me, you never abused me, but your cheating was just as bad or even worse.

You were a good friend before our involvement, but you were the worse “lover” anyone could ever ask for…
and I cant believe that through out all those years I never saw it.

You knew I was nice, you knew I was selfless, honorable, loyal, respectful, but most of all you knew I was passionate.

You knew I wouldn’t give up on you, you knew I’d fight for you, you knew I’d forgive you… over and over again…

So you robbed me, you be littled me, you took advantage of me, you took me for granted.

You destroyed me.

You took advantage of my passion and fight and you weakened me.

You robbed me, you robbed me for all I was…

and days, months, a year and more later I can finally talk about it…

Because I have gratefully found myself again.

-Kbeautifulmind

Infidelity

Last night I found out about a man who cheated on his wife and had another child with the side chick.
The wife didn’t leave him and they were married until he passed and they had sixteen kids.
I found myself feeling so disappointed, as I know a couple of his daughter’s who always spoke so highly of him and his husband/father skills.
I went to my two best friends and told them about it.
One of them is at work so she didn’t say much.
But the other one told me “Honestly Kelsey, I feel infidelity has been this common since men and women existed. We just find out about it so fast now because of media and the gadgets we have. I feel that when love is true, only you know what you can work with and if you can or can’t stick around. Maybe infidelity is meant to be worked through?”
I saw where she was coming from but to an extent I didn’t understand nor do I still understand.
So then I asked myself
“Why did you try working through it?”
A couple years ago I got into a relationship that knocked me out of my feet.
I had known true, honest and genuine love before that but it was young love and we both wanted different things.
However this second relationship was crazy, never boring, always felt like there was something new going on and it kept me on my feet. At first I thought I liked it, the excitment of the feeling of trouble and adventure….
Till the lies and the cheating started. Now I’ll give him some credit, it wasn’t cheating like he was hooking up or sleeping around. It was innocent “flirt texting, pictures sent, etc.” Till now from my knowledge there was no physical activity.
However, it killed me.
I went from a confident, happy, good girl to a unsecured, worried, depressed, stressed girl who was no longer liking the feeling of playing with fire.
I’d freak out when I’d see him pick up his phone and text, I’d worry when I didn’t know where he was and so on.
Now I wasn’t extreme like the “memes” on social media explain us chick’s to be now in days.
I didn’t check his phone bill or text everyday, he didn’t report to me, I didn’t call to see where he was, etc.
Why?
Well because I believed that no matter how short or long I heald the leash, a dog was going to be a dog and do as he pleased either way.
But I still thought I loved him, so I stayed.
I stayed and worked through it, I listened and accepted his apologies and I let him prove himself, and he did.
He arrived with flowers, took me on little surprised adventures, texted me twenty-four seven and did all he could to make me forget.
Sadly I never did, the text messages, the calls, the email, and the pictures had haunted me. They had haunted me so bad I was unhappy, I’d cry all the time on my own, I didn’t take care of my image and when I got hit on I’d feel bad about myself instead of flattered.
The questions I always asked him and myself were, “Why are you doing this to me? What do I have to do to be better? Why am I not good enough? Do you not have what you want here that you have to go look somewhere else?”
It came to the point where I no longer knew who I was anymore, to top it off I had a mother dying of cancer and things weren’t so good all around.
Anyway, just so you guys know that stuff only happen during the first year or so, the last three years seemed fine, I don’t think he was talking to anyone else but the damage had been done.
I wasn’t over it, when we had good days, weeks, months, I still wouldn’t let it rest.
I’d pray to God to let me find out one more thing so I could walk away.
I’d imagine these scenarios in my head before bed, in the shower, in class about how I’d catch him one last time, prove myself right that he was still a dog, and I’d walk away with what was left of me…
Unfortunetly it didn’t exactly happen like that.
I got dumped and blamed for it. I was told that this was all my fault, that I had lost myself, that I wasn’t the same happy, motivated, and romantic gal he had fell in-love with.
Boy, was I crushed.
I couldn’t believe that during my time of grieving my mother’s death he was going to walk out on me.
That wasn’t how the story was suppose to end, if any one was suppose to walk away it should have been me. I kept telling myself, “How dare he? After all I delt with? After all the chances I gave him? And yet this is all my fault?”
To end the story only weeks later and after some investigating it all came out to light. I just couldn’t get myself to buy the excuse of “I need some time alone.”
I had observed this guy for years even before we got romantically involved, and if it’s one thing I knew about him was that he could NEVER be alone. So to my findings I was right! There had already been someone else in the picture, he was already talking to someone else only this time he didn’t get caught which allowed it to continue for who knows how long, and he walked away with her.
I’ll admit, I was SO HAPPY. I finally had the proof I needed to know this wasn’t my fault. I cried at the findings of the betrayal and at the fact that she was so ugly (from my taste in woman that is) but man did it motivate me.
There I was ready to feel alive again,  finally that big weight I carried for years off my shoulders, and ready to love myself and find true happiness again.
So I tell my story because yes I guess you can work through infidelity but will you ever feel the same again? Will you ever feel like you did when you first met the person? I know I didn’t.
I guess that’s just the one thing that scares me, if infidelity is as common as they say, and everyone does it…
Then maybe like Usher once sang…
“I don’t want to know, if your playing me, please keep it on the low.”
In all seriousness, everyone should think twice before they give into temptation, yes it’s fun but if you love your significant other, if they mean the world to you just remember that if you crush them you are destroying your best friend. Imagine them in bed with someone else moaning the way only you have made them moan, and ask yourself…
“Is it worth it?”
It really isn’t, once trust is broken it can be so hard to get it back.
Back to me, I guess I just pray I find someone with the same views as mine.
It’s a scary world out there…

Just sharing my thoughts and story,
Kbeautifulmind

Please don’t let me get one of those…

Today I want to talk about cheating.

I know it’s sadly pretty normal now in days in today’s society, but is it really a fairy tale to hope for someone who only has eye’s for you?

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I went to my first Dodger game of the season, since I’m finally out of school for the summer and I LOVE my boys in blue.

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While enjoying my Friday night, I experienced a very awkward situation. I had experienced stuff like this before, however sitting there for three hours feeling WEIRD, really pissed me off.

And all I could think was… “Lord, all I ask is that you please don’t let me get one of those.”

Anyway, to my story…

So I’m sitting their watching the Game with my brother and this man keeps looking at me. Not looking at me like I look familiar, or like there is something on my face. Looking at me, like in his mind he was un dressing me with his eyes, and he was imagining exactly what he could do with me if he had the chance. I discreetly watched him as he’d check out the tits on another girl, the ass and hips on another one. But since I was in the row in front of him and his FAMILY to the side, he’d watch the game, look over at me, and smile.

Now his family was pretty big, he had three boys and a beautiful little girl about age five. His wife was very pretty, but insecurity and discomfort bleed through her pours.
I could tell just by analyzing them, he was a cheater and she dealt with it.
She looked over at me a couple of times as she watched him look, and would just look down on her phone.
I paid no attention to him, never once gave him the attention he was looking for, and one time I even gave him a dirty look.
Because he was dirty to me, and it was very upsetting to see how he was acting.

I wanted to tell him something so bad!
I wanted to tell her, “You are SO BEAUTIFUL, why do you allow this?”

But all I could do was pray, and in that moment I said to god.
“Look god, I KNOW cheating is pretty normal nowindays, and MAYBE we humans were not meant to be tied down to one person since we seem to get bored easily, BUT some of us really do desire a healthy marriage and a team mate who only has eye’s for us. Now I know to an extent it’s normal to look, we all do it BUT please, please god, if marriage is in my destiny, don’t let me get one of those.”

What scares me and makes me want to shut down is that I see it all the time…

On Facebook I have friend’s who shout out their men with statuses like “You are the best husband I could ever ask for.”
Yet we know he sleeps around.

On instagram woman quote to be so happy with their men…
Yet he is sending private messages to us single girls, and has no pictures of her on his IG.

Of course in part, those single girls who go along with it are JUST as wrong, but in the end it’s no one’s fault that his eyes are wondering and his mind wants to act on it.

Love is one of the scariest things in the world.
I use to love the idea of falling in love so much, and the thought of meeting the one would make me so happy.

If I’m being honest, now it scares the crap out of me.

I no longer desire marriage and kids as much as I use to.

-Kbeautifulmind

She made a promise

She made a promise to herself, not because she wanted to shut and lock all the doors to love.

She made this promise because the pain from the games were still too raw.

She knew her worth, exactly what she wanted, and what she very well deserved.

So she laid her offer on the table and walked out that door with all the hurt.

As she shut the door, she felt the fear drifting and a proud feeling in her chest.

She knew that if she kept her promise, it would all be worth it in the end, for the one who got to taste her body again would be the one to never hurt her or let it end.

-Kbeautifulmind

Beautifully unexpected

It was a night of passion,
a night of lust,
something so unexpected,
but they both just couldn’t withdraw.
Neither had done this before, and they knew there wasn’t much to it, but what mattered was that night because in that moment they both had it all.
He had someone to hold to help him forget about his loneliness.
She had someone to kiss that helped keep her mind off the brokenness.
His taste was magnificent it made her want more.
She looked so dam sexy, he felt himself loosing control.
The fire in their bodies, burned more violently then the pain they both felt underneath.
As they were wrapped in each other skin touching skin, they didn’t stop until they were drained, even though they both knew exactly how it would all end.
They took a dive with out hesitation for the desire they both had, giving themselves no limitations.
It happened so beautifully and so unexpectedly, keeping them both hungry with no desire to see the end of it.
They both saw the damage through the exhilarating of the fall, but on that night they both knew it was worth it and they would have taken the jump a thousand more times for it all.
Because it was a night of passion, a night of lust,
something so beautifully unexpected that they both had wanted for such a long time.

-Kbeautifulmind

I learned that it would never be the same…

As they told me you were there, in the same place we were in, I was shocked by how calm I felt with no desire to throw up and run free.
I thought that when this day would come, I’d freak out and not know what to do, but as I looked into your eyes I no longer saw what I use to.
The dreams that I desired, the love I reserved for you, all of it was gone there was just nothing there for you.
I didn’t feel like crying, there was no knots in my throat, my heart didn’t feel heavy you’d think all this hurt was super old.
My anger towards you was gone and my disappointment seemed so far, there was no spark or love, I looked once more but in confusion I realized there was nothing there to find.
I tried to remember the way you kissed but my body and mind would not react as they once did.
It seemed as if my mouth and mind were wipped clean of all the memories.
I couldn’t remember your laugh or what it was that attracted me to you, I guess all I really felt was disgust to think that I once belonged to you.
When you approched me with a hug I thought I’d feel something for sure but it was almost like I went numb and the touch of your arm was as dry as the crackers on the counter next to you.
I walked away in shock that you’d even bother to approch me in that way, but I couldn’t help but smirk at the pleasure of feeling nothing that I felt before that day.
It that moment I took a deep breath, feeling relived as I said “I forgave him, this is really it”
I learned then as I sat there with my friend, that today I had really learned something…
I learned the wonderful feeling that it would never be the same.

-Kbeautifulmind

The truth is…

I owe it to you to explain myself, but the truth is that there is nothing left to say.
I know I’ve been a coward and that I went about all of this the wrong way.
I swear to everyone that you’re at fault with hope that it will stop the tears at night.
But we all know that no one believes me for they see me on my street with her lips on mine.
I swear to you I am a good person and that I don’t care what you or anyone thinks but I feel the guilt inside me as I state that and repeat.
The truth is that I know I been wrong, and I know it’s something you don’t deserve, but sadly I am to weak to admit that comfortably to you.
I cover up my actions with one lie after the other as I tell myself to tell the truth but the words just won’t unravel.
The truth is that I owe it to you to explain what I have done but she doesn’t set me free and I know that you are gone.
I know that you are done for good and this is sadly it, I know you’ve close this chapter and that you won’t let me in.
The truth is that I’m scared and sitting in my lies is the only current thing that makes me feel great.
The truth is that I’m broken because I know that because of me nothing will ever be the same.

-Kbeautifulmind

This one is for the “crazy” ladies…

One of my Best Friends and I could not stop laughing as we had lunch yesterday because we were talking about the things women do to catch men/boys in their lies. Guilty of some things our selves we laughed as we looked back at what we have done and said.

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If you’re a woman who has been in more then one relationship I’m sure you’ve had a least one guy tell you…

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
YOU’RE FREAKEN CRAZY!!!”

For as far as we can remember girls and women have always been identified as “weak, needy, emotional, cry babies, drama queen’s etc.”
and when we grow a little bit of courage and speak up they call us C-R-A-Z-Y.

cra·zy
ˈkrāzē/Submit
informal
adjective
1.
mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
“Stella went crazy and assaulted a visitor”
synonyms: mad, insane, out of one’s mind, deranged, demented, not in one’s right mind, crazed, lunatic, non compos mentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare; More
antonyms: sane
extremely annoyed or angry.
“the noise they made was driving me crazy”
foolish.
“it was crazy to hope that good might come out of this mess”
synonyms: stupid, foolish, idiotic, silly, absurd, ridiculous, ludicrous, preposterous, farcical, laughable, risible, nonsensical, imbecilic, harebrained, cockamamie, half-baked, impracticable, unworkable, ill-conceived, senseless; etc.
antonyms: sensible
2.
extremely enthusiastic.
“I’m crazy about Cindy”
synonyms: passionate about, (very) keen on, enamored of, infatuated with, smitten with, devoted to; etc.

So as you guys can see based off the true definition of crazy, and woman being the bigger percentage of people in this world we are all surrounded by some serious dangerous lunatics. (Laugh)

could this be?
Or is that the word a man/boy uses to identify a woman when they have realized she has out smarted him once again?

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If it’s one thing I’m sure of as a woman is that I absolutely hate looking stupid. Because I as a woman already find it hard to prove myself in this world. I have always been questioned my the men of this society or teased for having my “blonde” moments. I also can’t even count how many times I been told I can’t do something. Yeah I can be a little ditzy at times but I’m human and for all this I know looking stupid would only work against me.
Therefor I am a know it all, when I litterly “KNOW IT ALL”
What do I mean by that you may ask?
Well, when it comes to relationships…
I am not your average jealous girlfriend who gets mad if my guy is smiling and being nice to the waitress or if he is checking out the fat ass on a super fit woman at the gym, I mean lesbi-honest I noticed her first. I don’t walk around saying “eewww, she is ugly or she looks ugly in that.” I don’t keep my man from having guys night’s and I don’t question anything unless I KNOW or FEEL there is something wrong.
I just don’t see any point in waisting my energy. I’ve always believed that forcing anything will only make you unhappy in the end, and if some one wants to play you they will find a way to do it no matter how short you hold the leash.

So like most women I turn into a secret agent, I figure out what it is that I am “assuming” is going on and I prove it. I do whatever it takes to prove myself right before I even say a word. Once I have analyzed him, the situation, proved I was right, and have thought of a response to every stupid excuse he is going to give me to add to his lies… Then I corned him with hope he’ll at LEAST man up and admit his wrongs.
(As you can tell I really believe in the good in people)
Do they ever?
No
So that’s when I am identified as crazy.

To be honest I’m okay with that because it just means I wasn’t dumb enough to take anyone’s shit and I am not dumb enough to keep quite when someone does me wrong.

And if any of you actually care, I’m here to tell you there is nothing to be ashamed of. It was actually proven that all women have that sense in them because we are naturally born to nurture and protect our selves and those we love. This is how we are able to identify that gut feeling that tells us there is something wrong, and if we use it wisely it makes some of us powerful, independent women which can only result in a successful life.
You are not crazy, you are just smarter then the idiot who thought he could out smart you.
Therefor the problem is that he didn’t think you’d be better at his own game and that is what has pissed him off.
So if your crazy then keep being crazy, it only shows how smart you are.
Now don’t be insecure, there is a difference.
Everyone deserves a chance and I’m not talking about your partner I’m talking about YOU, you deserve a chance at love and if you’re insecure and you don’t love yourself you will only make yourself unhappy.
Take a leap of faith and if they screw it up at least you tried.
And if they call you crazy, then take it as a compliment:)

Backing up all my crazy ladies;
Kbeautifulmind