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Hello Dear WordPress Followers,

I’d to take this moment to thank you all for reading my work, for being fans of what I write and believe in since I created my blog.

I’d also like to address that I’m working on writing more this year, expanding my words to touch more lives, and to share that I have some new and fun exciting project ideas on the way!

I’ve decided to create a “Professional Instagram” page, were I’d like to expose my poetry, quotes, short stories, advise through my knowledge, and display my soon to come videos or audio recordings!

I hope you all will follow and join me in this exciting journey!

Instagram: Kbeautifulmind__ (those are two _ _ )

Thanks y’all! I’m excited!

XO,

Kbeautifulmind

Constipated

My mom said something to me one night as we sat in the bathroom because the medication wasn’t letting her go. Constipated and tired she was as I sat in the tub reading my book to try and stay awake myself…
She said to me…
“You know it’s kind of cool?”
“That you can’t poop?”
“NO!” (laugh)
I couldn’t help but laugh with her….
Then she got serious…
“It’s kind of cool that God has allowed me the opportunity to know when I’m dying…”
This was only 3 weeks before she died and a week after we had been told that the cancer was now slowly taking over her brain and would someday just shut her down as she died slowly…
Her doctor predicted 3-6 months…
I rolled my eyes and told her “I guess mom, let’s just focus on pooping”
She laughed and said…
“No really!? Think about it? Car accidents, drowning, being murdered, burning or anything that is not any sevier disease just takes you while you had hope that you’d see those you love in a couple of hours or days…. that’s sad death just slaps you in the face!
At least when you know you live everyday like it’s your last, you tell them you love them, and you have no hopes of waking up the next day but you fall asleep with peace in your heart knowing that everyday you did all you had to do to be okay with what is happening…”
“I’m telling you Kelsey, it’s kind of cool”

http://www.refinery29.com/2014/10/75714/brittany-maynard-dignity-death

This video reminded me of my momma. I guess when you get the chance to live like you are dying you understand the value of life and the opportunity to have those you love around you.
I sure as hell know it has changed my whole view on life and as I keep living, I keep learning. I finally see what my mom meant after watching this.
Live life guys and appreciated it, we are really just passing by.

Kbeautifulmind

May you be resting in peace momma♡
I love you and miss you so so much!

Anything Good Takes Time

A couple of days ago I had to write my first paper of the semester.
The prompt stated that we’d right about an event in our lives that changed our attitude and character forever.
I automatically thought of my mom, but I knew her death wasn’t the only thing that changed me I had already been changed before that.
It started with the day that I found out she had cancer. I realized I had not relived that memory since it happened and boy was it hard!
But it was almost therapeutic and I wanted to share it with my readers!
Enjoy…
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I have lived a very difficult life. I am the oldest of four who were raised by a
single mother. I had to grow up a lot quicker then most kids my age in order to help out my mom. I don’t remember many fun childhood memories. Most of
them are moments of financial struggle and stress. I was raised by a warrior,
someone who thought me to never give up and to be a positive person. Thanks
to her I always tried to make the most of everything and see the positive in them. My struggles made me the strong person that I am today but it also made me very paranoid to fail in life. As I grew up I became obsessed in succeeding and I was very hard on my self when something did not go as planned. At age twenty two I had already had some set backs on my plan with my education and future career. I was very disappointed in myself yet I was determined to keep pushing and not let anything else stand in my way. I had my mind set and I could not allow anything to make me deviate from my plan!
It was on a Monday afternoon I was at my boyfriends aunt’s memorial service
reception. I was sitting on a table surrounded by his siblings as we all ate our food in silence because non of us could believe she was really gone. I was full of mixed emotions myself as I kept looking at my phone since my mom had been in the hospital for three days with a very bad case of pneumonia. I was waiting for her call because on that day she was getting her final results of all the test they ran and was planning to check out the following morning. I remember taking one more glance at my phone as a text message came in. It said “They said yes”, I replied to her “Yes to what? Is everything okay?” I waited for what seemed the longest five minutes of my life yet no reply. I got up and excused myself from the table as I walked to a quitter area in the salon. I called her three times but she would not answer, I was starting to freak out. I could feel it, something in my heart was telling me that she was not okay. I was nervous, I felt as if the room got very hot and I could feel my face and neck starting to sweat. My phone finally rang and as I answered it my hands were shacking so much that I could barely press the answer button. As I said “Hello” I heard her say “You are the
first person I call, but I need you to stay calm and please do not cry.” Had she
not added the last part I might have stayed strong a little longer but I could feel the tears running down my face on to my chin. She said again “Kelsey? Do you hear me? Please try not to cry” I said to her “Mom what’s wrong? Just tell me already!” She knew I was crying and she said to me as she began to cry “No, no, no, please I told you not to cry! There was a pause and then she said “I have Lung Cancer.” I could not believe what I was hearing. I broke down as I grabbed the bottom of my dress and squeezed my hand into a fist. I could barely breath and speak but I forced out the words and said to her “Is it bad? Is it curable? Are you going to die?” I could hear her begin to also gasp for air as she cried louder and said “ Yes, no unfortunately, eventually but it can take a long time” I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and all I could say was “No! No! No! No! No! No! Why you? Why god? Why her?” We cried on the phone together till my boyfriend walked over and looked at me with confusion. He said to me, “Is
everything okay?” She heard him and it seemed like she was almost trying to
calm her self down hoping he would not hear cry. She said to me “Listen up, you and I both know God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. Everything is going to be okay. Only he knows what he is doing so calm downand try to be positive like I have always thought you to be. I need you to call my sisters and brothers because they have been calling me non stop and I do not wish to go through this again. I am going to get some rest and I’ll see you when you get here. I love you Kelsey remember that everything is going to be okay!” I
don’t remember if I even responded to her after that, I just remember hanging up the phone and telling my boyfriend with a loud cry as I hugged him tightly “My mom has Lung Cancer” I broke down I could not be strong anymore. By the time I looked up his immediate family was there to comfort me. I cried and cried as I was passed from one person to another. His mom hugged me, his dad hugged me, his sisters and finally his grandmother. I felt myself weak in the knees as I hugged the lady who had just buried her third child who had died from cancer. She said to me “I am so sorry honey, I do not know what to say. No one and I mean no one deserves to feel this pain.” I could hear everyone around me crying but it was almost like I was running low on tears. Something in his grandmother’s hug gave me strength and helped me calm down. I wiped my tears off my face and started to call my aunts and uncles before I left the reception and drove to the hospital to see my mom. After that day I was no longer worried about success, failure or if my life worked
out as planned or not. I had mixed emotions on the whole cancer fact and I could still not believe it was true. I went from going to church every Sunday to not going at all and not even blessing myself every morning as I woke up or every night before I went to bed like I use to. This lasted about a year. I went to school and finished my AA Degree but I was not very motivated. I was angry, disappointed and still very confused as to why this diseases had made it’s way into our lives. Eventually I started to go back to church along side with my mom and even though I was still confused I was no longer angry. I had a small break
from school as I took care of her and we fought this disease side by side. I was no longer worried of how long it would take me to finish or when I would start working in the field of my planned carrier. We helped each other through it and like always she was strong and positive making it hard for me not to follow her lead. Five months ago today my mother passed away at the age of forty six. She left four children and a granddaughter behind to live on her legacy. But most of all she left a changed and even stronger daughter who promised her she would not stop until she achieved everything she ever wanted in this life. Even though my mothers sickness and death have been the hardest experienced I have ever lived through, I know that it has made me stronger and changed my perspective on life. I have learned that it is okay to deviate from a plan. I learned that even the most perfect plans could fall apart and that I must not dwell and stress on it too much. I learned anything good takes time. I learned it does not matter how long it takes me to accomplish my dreams as long as I do not give up and keep pushing forward. I now realized money and good fortune is not as important as it perceives. Living life as if it’s your last day is whats important.

The Daughter of a warrior;
Kbeautifulmind

My 40 days…

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It’s been exactly 40 days since my mom passed away.
And the craziest and most overwhelming 40 days off my life.
They say that in other countries like our cultural country and where our family comes from (Zacatecas, Mexico) you morn and don’t do anything at all for the first 40 days. You don’t work, listen to music or watch TV, and you don’t go out much unless it’s needed. You take those days to cry, love your family and those around you and help each other find peace again.
Unfortunately in America, life must go on weather we like it or not…
In my life it started from the night she died…
We started a nine day rosarie which is about an hour long but the food and chatter makes people stay for like 3 hours. It then went to all the people that surronded me asking if I needed anything or giving their condolences, to all the family at our house with total different personalities causing them to argue and what not about their different views on everything, to my grandma asking me every night “Why was I creamating my mom for it is not the CATHOLIC thing to do.”
Then after those two weeks, I was left all alone with the boys making me kind of miss all the comotion.
Then our own comotion started up again as I heard them cry, scream, fight and I even got the whole “You are not my mom” card from my youngest brother and the older one tried to pull the “I am running away” card.
And all along I had to deal with my own emotions on top of it all and people… lot’s of people! As well as all the crazy paper work that comes a long with the death of someone. From taking c.ustody, to bills, the housing arrangement and closing down any accounts of her’s and so on.
It all can get very overwhelming but it also can make you realize that life goes on. That not just because you wish to pause and freeze for a little to take a breath means that everyone else will stop with you… sadly in that sense you are on your own.
Anyway back to the people, oh the people there is friends of my own, my mom’s close friends, our family and all the fake nosey people who want to know just how you are going to do it all on your own.  Either way everyone worries about you, they all stress for you, some of them making you feel bad because you can’t cure their sadness and you almost feel like you have to help them.
And of course there is work and school and just flat out LIFE.
Then there is the quite moments, from the minute you wake up and realize it is all real or that minute right before you go to bed when it all hits you the hardest.

I have to admit even though those are the times I am the most sad, they are also my most favorite times of all.

And on top of it ALL, I have felt nothing but guilt, and anger because I couldn’t help my mommy any further to help her get better. I thought that if I was good, if I listened to the doctors, if I followed all the rules, maybe we can turn this thing around… just maybe she’ll get better!

But she didn’t, and fourthy days later on top of all the comotion it still sucks that I have to do all of this with out her here.
She is the reason for my sadness and weakness as well as what keeps me pushing.

Missing my Best Friend,
Kbeautifulmind

The story of Ali Black…

I while back ago I found interest in learning about the stories of other’s and how Cancer has taken a tole in their lives.
From what I was experiencing I came up with this idea one late night as I laid my head to rest next to my mom who was in so much pain thinking to my self how exhausting this whole cancer thing is! I began to wonder how others delt with it and if they experience around the same anxiety and freak out moments as we did?
So I took my idea and decided to try and find out what people felt and how this took a twist in their lives.
My mom passed away about a month and a half ago and the truth Cancer has been the one word I do not want to hear. However I did ask for stories as I tried to learn about the experience of others and the chance to share the stories of those that cared to share them with me.
As poisonous as Social Media can be and all technology as it is, it can also be very helpful to have for the use of spreading word and networking.
If it was not for Instagram I wouldn’t be able to share this post and story with you guys, and as much as we ALL hate cancer and what harm it has done in some of our lives, it is also a diseased that has change the lives of many making them appreciate life more as well as making it an interesting learned experience.
And if they are lucky enough to defeat it… it makes it all a very powerful accomplishment.
So here is the story of Ali Black and how Cancer came knocking on her door…
Enjoy!

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Patient: Black, Ali
Female, 31; no kids; not married
Diagnosed with a rare acute Leukemia (Blastic Plasmacytoid Dendritic Cell Neoplasm (BPDCN))

“I was first diagnosed on Sept 13, 2013 with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, just 15 days before my 31st birthday.  The problem was that the pathology reports read inclusive with words like probable and suggestive that the oncologist who saw the reports referred me to a Lymphoma specialist.  Let me begin by saying that I never suspected ME of having cancer.  In fact, I believed that I was having some type of health-skin issues that were related to an allergic reaction.  After all, I ran 20 miles a week, I juiced three times a day filling 20-32oz jugs, alkaline water, and drank herbal teas.  This all had to be a skin disorder, I believed.  I initially went to my family doctor who referred me to a dermatologist.  I slowly began to develop other symptoms that I thought were unrelated until I spoke to my family physician, who suspected that my symptoms were related to an autoimmune disease, probably Sarcoidosis.  However, she asked me to get a skin biopsy to be sure. After all, my initial symptoms presented itself on the skin.  It resembled a hive rash.  I was treated with prednisone until I had the dermatological biopsy.

When I eventually saw the dermatologist and told her my symptoms, which by that time had grown progressively worse as the skin lesions subsided, all but one on my elbow, she too suspected that I presented symptoms of Sarcoidosis. However, in order to be sure, once again, she performed the biopsy and asked us to await the results, which would take at least 10 days.  Mind you, some of the symptoms that were occurring for both physicians to assume that this was evidence of an autoimmune disease was my difficulty breathing after running/walking, abdominal pain, severe joint pain, and the inevitable skin rash. Eventually, when the pathology reports returned on September 13, 2013, it read that it was malignant cancerous tissue of B-Cells, Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

I remember that morning, prior riding to the dermatologist office, feeling incredibly weird, like my life would change through these results.  Although at this time, I was convinced that what I was experiencing was an autoimmune disease and nothing more, I began thinking about my future. I was a graduate student without any kids and not married. What would this mean about my living arrangements, even reproducing children? Could I have a child/ren living on prednisone (steriods) for the rest of my life? Mood swings were a detrimental side effect of this drug and hypertension was inevitable, along with weight gain, fatigue, the onset of occasional joint pains without warning.  I just kept thinking that the pathology reports would read this expecting me to know what to do for the rest of my life.  Tears overwhelmed my face in the waiting room, not knowing that there could be anything worst than what I was about to hear. I wondered in that moment if I could make it through this? Would kind of future would I have living with something that was as unpredictable as this disease? My old trusty handy iPhone could surely answer this question by seeing if anyone in the past ten years has died from this disease. As I read on, I came to learn that morning that Bernie Mack suffered from Sarc and met his untimely death with complications of pneumonia because of this autoimmune disease.  I began whimpering tears on my mother’s shoulder, who had been there for every appointment since I got sick.  I was surely expected to hear detrimental news.

“Ms. Black?” The nurse practioner called me back into the exam room.  She asked, “Are you ok?” after handing me a tissue.  I said, ”yep, just waiting to hear these results.” She patted me on the shoulder and said, “it will ok. The doctor will see you in a bit and she will talk to you about it.”  After ten minutes, in walks the dermatologist with only the most pleasant smile. She tapped me on my knee and touched my mother on her shoulder, and asked, “how are you ladies doing this morning? I hope that your wait wasn’t long?”  I answered, “no, just anxious about these results, which I already know that it is Sarc.” She said, “well, I was going to call you last night about that as soon I got them.” Instantly, my eyes met my mother’s wondering, “why would she need to call us?” “The results,” she said, “as I said came in last night and I wanted to tell you right away, but decided to wait until I saw you today.”  “ummmmm ok!” I thought.  I continued thinking, “isn’t it just Sarc?” now undermining my thoughts from the past few weeks.  “Of course, I would have to eat differently and live differently, but it is just Sarc. I braced myself for this news all week. Didn’t I?” my thoughts began flooding.

My dermatologist asked if she could begin reading the results, and as anxious as I was, I said, “please!” “Well,” she said, “the results read that the tissue sample that was biopsy ruled out Sarcoidosis, but that the tissue showed malignant aggressive B-Cells suggestive of Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”  She looked up after reading the pathology report, and looked at me, and asked, “Do you know what malignant means?” With a blank stare towards the paper, rereading the report for myself, I said, “yea.” She said, “good, ok.” She turned to face my mom and asked her the same thing.  My mom asked, “is that like cancer, but not the bad kind, right? Right?!” My mom rushed the doctor for answer, hoping that malignant wasn’t what she thought it could mean. The doctor said, “well malignant, isn’t the good kind of cancer. It is lymphoma.” “Could your results be wrong?” My mother asked. “Well no, this is a DNA of a tissue sample. This is 98% accurate,” said the dermatologist. “Sooooo, what do we do now?” My mother asked. “Well, now she has to be seen by an oncologist and hematologist. But the good news is that this is treatable, in fact, curable,” said my dermatologist. I remember clasping my hands, taking in a deep sigh, as the tears began to fall like the rain shower before the storm. The wail I released sent shock waves through the hall as the nurses stood by the door to poke their heads in to see if there was anything they could do. My doctor immediately stood up and embraced me. She said, “it’s curable.” And I replied, “but what does that mean about having children.” Never looking up at her, I felt a tear release from her cheek onto my forehead, and at that moment, she rushed out of the room. I assumed not knowing how to answer my question. My mother, at that time, called my siblings while forcing herself to hide her tears behind the other side of the door. As my doctor exited and never returned, the nurses entered the exam room, embracing me and crying with me. My mother returned with the reddest of eyes and gently said, “come on, hun. We got to find an oncologist.”

All that ran through my mind at that time was that this was not the results I prepared myself for. What did she mean this was curable? I saw my dad die from cancer when I was seven years old, and it was not curable for him. He was sick, very sick. What did that mean for treatment? I did not have an employee insurance. I was a full time graduate student. Who would insure me now? Plus, I purposefully waited ten plus years to have kids until I was financially ready, and now this would never give me that opportunity, even if I was financially ready. Chemo would rid every chance of that. It would kill me from the inside? I am in a committed relationship, we have no future without kids…I couldn’t ask him to stay knowing that I couldn’t give us kids, which is an extension of a future together. Will I lose my locs? I will lose my locs! Who will I look like? Why cancer? Why me?! I eat well, exercise, and believe in the power of spirit. Did I inherit this from my dad? Was it genetic? Do I have to fight? If I don’t fight, is this my fate? What does fighting mean? These thoughts rushed my mind almost instantly, at the exact same moment my mother stroked my cheek as she drove to my primary physician’s office, and said, “don’t you can’t give up on me!” The tears kept strolling down my cheek wondering how does one not give up? What did that mean? How could my body betray me?

All I could do was cry.  I must’ve cried the entire day. And in the moments of silence, I refused to think. I just sat.  By the end of the day, I laid still with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling with no original thought swimming through my mind, but the memory of my father. Would his fate be mine? The days that followed flew by like a rapid windstorm in the winter: icy, cold, and dreary. I fell sicker and listless, until I was finally admitted to the hospital on October 7, 2013. The following days were filled with ongoing tests. On October 11, 2013, I was officially diagnosed with one of the rarest diseases that continues to be studied in U.S. medical sciences. It is so rare that less than 1% of the U.S. population are diagnosed with this disease. This disease is called Blastic Plasmacytoid Dendritic Cell Neoplasm, a rare acute Leukemia, in which I began the Hyper CVAD treatment immediately.  

I went into remission after my third treatment, and was officially cancer free January 2, 2014.  Luckily, I was half way through my treatment.  Typically, the Hyper CVAD consists 6-8 rounds of chemotherapy and one Lumbar puncture per treatment. Every twenty-one days, I was admitted for five days for treatment. The objective is to find a match stem cell donor while undergoing therapy.  For my disease, chemotherapy was necessary, but it was imperative to find a donor for a transplant. Without one, I was told that I would only have a year to live after completing chemo, even if my disease was in remission. I completed six rounds of the Hyper CVAD chemotherapy before receiving my transplant in February 2014.

Days leading up to the transplant, I had three days of additional chemotherapy and four days of radiation. I was completely exhausted, nauseous, and fatigued.  The day after my last radiation treatment was my transplant day, March 21, 2014.  I had no idea what to expect.  All I knew was that my sister was giving me life.  How do properly thank someone who does this unselfishly?  Now that I have had the transplant, I can say that the recovery is extremely different than recovering from chemo.  Although the procedure was successful and my counts recovered from the transplant, I am being monitored closely by my physician.  The time after transplant procedure is extremely critical.  And even though my procedure was successful, there are strict guidelines I must follow. For instance, if I am outside, I must wear a hat and coat, even if it is 95 degrees.  I now have a food list that dictates what I am able or unable to eat.  Imagine calling Starbucks just to ask if the cream cheese is pasteurized! This is all in the sake of healing.  As my body’s energy is in a state rebuilding with my sister’s cells, I have 180 days until I am able to go anywhere other than from home to the clinic.

I have accepted all of what I experienced as a transformation of my mind and body, a process of renewal for my faith, and a journey of enlightenment.  I have survived and have redefined what it means for me: surviving is fighting, healing, and living past my diagnosis.”

So in no better words if you are fighting cancer, or just flat out life…
Don’t give up, hang in there!
My mother lost her battle and wasn’t fortunate enough to win but she never gave up till her last breath she kept pushing, and that makes her just as much of a winner as anyone else.

Ali Black has taken this experience allowing it to help her keep pushing; It hasn’t defeated her and she refuses to allow it for she is also a fighter.

Grateful she shared;
Kbeautifulmind

“And don’t forget you have to keep making my Tamales”

I haven’t blogged in a while, I just haven’t had much energy for anything. I guess you can say I been a little emo but it’s just so hard to be positive all the time when you see your hero, the queen of your world and your best friend not doing so well. My momma has a lot going on with this dam Cancer that has begun to rapidly spread. She was in the hospital last week and even though they did a couple of things that have really helped her, the doctors have now gave us that “any day now… you must be ready…” talk. And I am mad again, a bit mad with God because a part of me wants to blame him. A bit mad that I can’t do anything to heel her, and a bit mad that her time could come any time soon and it’s just flat out not fair!
I mean it just makes no sense, why would my lord take the only parent I’ve ever had, the one that’s always been here for me, my best friend!
Does he not know I still need her?
We all still need her? My youngest brother is only 11! Does she not get to meet his first girlfriend? Or see either of her boys graduate high school?
Who in this world is going to walk me down the aisle someday? I have a wonderful godfather and uncles but no one would make me as happy as she would if I had her by my side! What about my graduation? One of her dreams is to see me graduate from college!?
And what about my kids? Why does only Audrina (my niece) get to meet her awesome grandma? And also why doesn’t my mom get to stick around to see Audrina grow?
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And most of all! She isn’t even ready to go! She has told me that she told god her self “I am not afraid or anything but I’m not ready to die yet”

So my question is WHY, WHY and WHY???

None of it makes sense and I have realized that dwelling on it won’t change things. I mean do I wish god would answer my prayers and send me a miracle? Well yes of course. But I need to try really, really hard to not dwell. It’s making me angry and grouchy and I always have a headache now in days and that’s not good!
My mom was freaking me out a bit yesterday because she wasn’t looking so good. She just started radiation on her head, she has these big soars and burns on her butt from the radiation on her tail bone that hurt so much that she can’t even poop comfortably. She weighs 88 pounds and they come in every other day to drain the liquid from her lung that leaves her in so much pain! She said it feels like she is getting her heart and lungs sucked out, because it’s like a little vacuum.
So in pain and all she began to talk to me last night, it was almost like she was saying good bye but not exactly she spoke to me about what she wants to take care of and begin to prepare. She told me she wants to be creamated even if it’s not really the “Catholic” thing to do. She told me what she wanted me to tell her siblings the ones she won’t get to see before she goes (there is 16 of them). Then she began to tell me how she would want us to live our life with out her. She told me to always take care of her boys and try not to fight with them no matter how annoying and messy they are… “If you speak to them nicely and calm they will help you” She said she was really sorry for leaving me all the baggage, but that she felt I was the only one who could handle it because no matter how much of a cry baby I am… “You are just like me, my strength will live on, in you” She told me to live my life and follow my heart, she said “I see the way Chris looks at you and he loves you but no matter what always make sure YOU are happy with your life, don’t just cruise through life until you die, make sure to live! Make sure to love deeply and be happy!”
and, well she said a couple of other things…
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She finally ended the conversation with…
Oh yeah, last but not least “You have to keep making my tamales! I don’t know why but people love those things! And follow every step I gave you and NEVER, EVER make Tamales mad or in a negative mood, they will come out “agrios” (sour/bad) also learn to make mole because your boyfriend loves my mole! And I know you love your Arros con Leche gorda so learn to make that too!” Finally we were getting ready to say good night and she said “I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, I know I need to be stronger but if you could feel this, I would never wish it on anyone, it is so so so painful”

Even though it was nice to have that talk, I couldn’t help but continue and ask god, why?….

Still wishing for a miracle,
Kbeautifulmind

Beads for Battle

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“A kind gesture can reach a wound only compassion can heal” -unknown

I have to admit I use to look at people who had no legs or were disabled in some way weather it was being sick or what not and I would get so sad for them.
I remember when I was like 7 years old and I had to get in the bus with my grandma in Mexico, there was a kid in there with no shoes all dirty and gross, he smelled so so bad. He only had one leg and had these hand made crutches to help him around. When we got out of the bus I started to cry and my grandma asked what was wrong? I told her I was sad for that little boy as I asked why don’t his parents take him a shower? And why did “diosito” (god) only give him one leg?
She said to me that he probably didn’t have parent’s and that something must have happened to him in explanation of the leg…
I cried even harder and said “Grandma why do parents leave?”
Since I was also suffering in understanding why I didn’t have a father at the time, I just didn’t get it.
I remember going to church that week on Sunday and that’s when I really started to pray. I began by praying for the little boy as I asked him to please bless him with some love and support because he was a little boy and didn’t deserve to be alone.
And that’s when I began to ask God to please protect my family and loved ones because I wouldn’t want to loose them or to see them hurt.
I remember thinking that if I did this every night and said thank you everyday we would all be okay.
As you all may have read after finding out about my mom’s diagnostic I felt like god had let me down and I was mad at him…
But don’t worry I think him and I are cool now 🙂
But I was mad because I guess I felt that as long as I spoke to him and asked and thanked every one would be fine. But I didn’t realize that there was more to this disease then what god controls and that I am NOT the only one feeling this pain.

“Hi my name is Cynthia. In April 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I started this organization to show support and spread positivity to others who are fighting for their lives. These strong individual’s need support to have the confidence to continue their battle…”

About a week or so I “met” Cynthia through a facebook message.
The thing is I already knew her story because we both have a wonderful friend by the name of Nairy who shared her story with me and told me a bit about her organization “Beads for battle”
I’ll admit that when Nairy told me I didn’t pay much attention. It’s not that I wasn’t interested I remember thinking “Why to such a young girl god, poor thing” but I was so caught up in my own life and issues that I didn’t further look into it.
When Cynthia contacted me on Facebook I felt like she had just gave me one of those big bear hugs that just make you relax and feel like everything will be okay. I felt the fight in her words and mind as well as true sympathy coming out of everything she wrote.
I knew right then and there that God gave her only what she could handle. God knew her strength and her big heart and knew she would use it to support others and spread love as well as her strength.
In that moment I knew I didn’t have to actually meet Cynthia in person to know that this young lady was an angel. As she told me that my family and I would be in her prayers and reminded me that “No one fights alone” I knew she was there for me.
That same day as we messaged back and forth, Cynthia offered to send my family and I some bracelets with beads and crosses that would remind us that we were not alone. Yesterday I received those beads and it was like Christmas in February! Not only were they absolutely beautiful but they put a big smile on my face because it’s like I could hear her telling me “No one fights alone”
In that moment I realized that we really are brought into this world for different purposes and I just pray that God continues to give people like Cynthia, my mom and other cancer victims the strength to fight on!
Happy with my pretty bracelets;
Kbeautifulmind

P.S if you’d like to donate to help Cynthia continue with this wonderful organization or would like to order a bracelet for a family member or yourself contact her at beadsforbattle@yahoo.com or find her on twitter: @beadsforbattle or find her page on facebook: beads for battle Inc.

Oh Cancer how I hate you, your giving me white hairs…

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Hospitals Hospitals are so creepy.
Its Friday afternoon and its my moms fake Birthday technically her Birthday is tomorrow but once upon a time she had a sister who was born today a year before her and died. When my mom was born my grandma made the decision to give her the same name so when she came to the United States my mom brought with her the wrong birth certificate… I know weird right?
But anyways thats all in the processed of getting fixed but her birthday is really tomorrow.
Im waiting for results on my moms cat scan and X rays, and I came to the bathroom and I have 3 white hairs, oh god did that make me feel old… but I know its the stress…
Last night my mom was having alot of chest pain and got really sick “looking” on me, I began to worry but she said to wait it out so we did…
I couldn’t sleep just keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay…
I began to think again how unfair this was, Why does a 46 year old lady who worked hard her whole life deserve to have it end like this? I mean Im not saying anyone deserves this sickness but you would think that some people deserve a easy path after all the hard ones they have encountered right?
Sometimes I get frustrated I know I shouldn’t question god or why he does the things he does but sometimes I just wish I could understand or get a little sign that everything is going to be okay…
Really dont know how to feel right now except for the fact that Im kind of annoyed I had to call out of work because we need any money we can get. Im annoyed she couldnt start her chemotherapy this morning and Im annoyed how long it takes to wait for all this stuff…
But then again I’m glad to now be spending her fake birthday with her even if its in this cold hospital.

Just a little venting,

Kbeautifulmind