I want to love a whole.

Half: 

haf/Submit
noun
1.
either of two equal or corresponding parts into which something is or can be divided.
“the northern half of the island”

Complete: 

verb

4.

make (something) whole or perfect.
“he only needed one thing to complete his happiness”
synonyms: finish off, round off, top off, crown, cap, complement
“the outfit was completed with a veil”

I use to dream of finding my “other half.“

Both times I have fallen in love I actually believed I had found (him).

Because before them I didn’t feel whole.

I didn’t love myself.

I didn’t believe in myself.

I didn’t feel that I could actually be happy being alone.

Unfortunately, I am not one of the only people who have felt this way, and what’s even more crazy is people go their whole lives feeling this way.

This is where people screw up.

They feel it’s normal and just go with it, until they settle for anyone because they believe that without “someone” by their side they are not complete.

What’s funny is that before the relationships even ended, I was always looking for “something,” something that would take away the empty feeling I had. When I couldn’t figured it out, I assumed that it was the relationship, the person’s fault for the way I was feeling.

Now that I’ve learned, I’ve realized that the first time there was nothing missing, I was missing. The self love, the self confidence, the self trust, is what was missing.

You can’t fully love someone else like they deserve, if you don’t love yourself.

The second time, I was missing so bad that I actually convinced myself to believe that I deserved the “type” of love I was receiving.

I’m still learning.

So far, I have learned the definitions of “half” and “complete.”

and I now know I don’t want either or to define the person I end up with for the rest of my life.

I don’t want an “other half,” I want a WHOLE.

I want a whole person, someone who knows exactly who they are, what they represent, what they want, and who loves themselves enough to know how to love ME.

I don’t want to feel complete when this person comes along, or for them to feel like I complete them.

I want us to already be complete, only to come along and complement each others lives for the better.

I don’t want to be someone else’s ideal “Ms. Right,” or “The One.”

I don’t want someone that has been looking for someone like me their whole lives.

I want to fall into someone.

I want to come long and change their lives for the best.

I want to make them feel things they have never felt before.

I want to add to their happiness, I want someone who before me was already happy with themselves.

I want to be someones whole and I want them to be my whole.

I want us to be two wholes who simply just deserve each other, who simply just realized we wanted to to continue to grow while we watch the other grow.

I don’t want to ever end up with another half, or feel like a half again.

I refuse to settle for someone to complete me.

I want a whole someone, so that I can live with their all, learn about their all, and love their all and whole entire persona.

I want the next time I fall in love, to just simply be a whole who loves another whole and entire other person.

I want someone who can give me their all, while I also give them my all.

-Kbeautifulmind

Maybe I’m just hard…

Maybe I’m just hard to love.
Maybe I’m just hard to handle.
Maybe I’m just hard to please.
Maybe I’m just hard to attend.
Maybe I’m just hard to listen to.
Maybe I’m just hard to care for.
Maybe I’m just hard to take a chance with.
Maybe I’m just hard to commit to.
Maybe I’m just hard to love.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m just hard to love.

-Kbeautifulmind 

If I could…

If I could go back in time, I’d tell you No.
I’d tell you, I am too young.
I’d tell you, your children are horrible, ungrateful kids, and they don’t deserve me to sacrifice my time and life to take care of them.
I’d tell you, I’m tired.
I’d tell you, I feel stuck, like there is no way out of this hell.
I’d tell you, I feel alone.
I’d tell you, I’m sorry but I can’t make you this promise.
I’d tell you, I’m sorry but this is not the life I want to live.
I’d tell you to find someone else.
-Kbeautifulmind

You robbed me.

You robbed me.

Days, months, a year and more later, I can finally speak of it.

You robbed me.

You robbed me for my beauty, my innocence, my strenght, my confidence, for everything I believed in, you saw my vulnerability and you stripped me for everything I was.

You were so insecure and unhappy with yourself, and I was your victim.

From the minute we got involved romantically, you played me.

You played me, you’d lie and lie to me, and you’d blame and blame me.

You brought me down to my knees, to tears, to insecurity, to pain…
pain that made me believe it was all my fault.
Pain that made me believe I deserved it, pain that made me believe there was something wrong with ME.

You never hit me, you never abused me, but your cheating was just as bad or even worse.

You were a good friend before our involvement, but you were the worse “lover” anyone could ever ask for…
and I cant believe that through out all those years I never saw it.

You knew I was nice, you knew I was selfless, honorable, loyal, respectful, but most of all you knew I was passionate.

You knew I wouldn’t give up on you, you knew I’d fight for you, you knew I’d forgive you… over and over again…

So you robbed me, you be littled me, you took advantage of me, you took me for granted.

You destroyed me.

You took advantage of my passion and fight and you weakened me.

You robbed me, you robbed me for all I was…

and days, months, a year and more later I can finally talk about it…

Because I have gratefully found myself again.

-Kbeautifulmind

It’s those moments

It’s those moments…
The ones that take your breathe away, the ones that make you sigh with relief, the ones that make you laugh uncontrollably, the ones that make you grin from ear to ear.
It’s those moments, the ones that make you wish you could press rewind and play them again.
It’s those moments, the ones that make life worth living.
-Kbeautifulmind

Infidelity

Last night I found out about a man who cheated on his wife and had another child with the side chick.
The wife didn’t leave him and they were married until he passed and they had sixteen kids.
I found myself feeling so disappointed, as I know a couple of his daughter’s who always spoke so highly of him and his husband/father skills.
I went to my two best friends and told them about it.
One of them is at work so she didn’t say much.
But the other one told me “Honestly Kelsey, I feel infidelity has been this common since men and women existed. We just find out about it so fast now because of media and the gadgets we have. I feel that when love is true, only you know what you can work with and if you can or can’t stick around. Maybe infidelity is meant to be worked through?”
I saw where she was coming from but to an extent I didn’t understand nor do I still understand.
So then I asked myself
“Why did you try working through it?”
A couple years ago I got into a relationship that knocked me out of my feet.
I had known true, honest and genuine love before that but it was young love and we both wanted different things.
However this second relationship was crazy, never boring, always felt like there was something new going on and it kept me on my feet. At first I thought I liked it, the excitment of the feeling of trouble and adventure….
Till the lies and the cheating started. Now I’ll give him some credit, it wasn’t cheating like he was hooking up or sleeping around. It was innocent “flirt texting, pictures sent, etc.” Till now from my knowledge there was no physical activity.
However, it killed me.
I went from a confident, happy, good girl to a unsecured, worried, depressed, stressed girl who was no longer liking the feeling of playing with fire.
I’d freak out when I’d see him pick up his phone and text, I’d worry when I didn’t know where he was and so on.
Now I wasn’t extreme like the “memes” on social media explain us chick’s to be now in days.
I didn’t check his phone bill or text everyday, he didn’t report to me, I didn’t call to see where he was, etc.
Why?
Well because I believed that no matter how short or long I heald the leash, a dog was going to be a dog and do as he pleased either way.
But I still thought I loved him, so I stayed.
I stayed and worked through it, I listened and accepted his apologies and I let him prove himself, and he did.
He arrived with flowers, took me on little surprised adventures, texted me twenty-four seven and did all he could to make me forget.
Sadly I never did, the text messages, the calls, the email, and the pictures had haunted me. They had haunted me so bad I was unhappy, I’d cry all the time on my own, I didn’t take care of my image and when I got hit on I’d feel bad about myself instead of flattered.
The questions I always asked him and myself were, “Why are you doing this to me? What do I have to do to be better? Why am I not good enough? Do you not have what you want here that you have to go look somewhere else?”
It came to the point where I no longer knew who I was anymore, to top it off I had a mother dying of cancer and things weren’t so good all around.
Anyway, just so you guys know that stuff only happen during the first year or so, the last three years seemed fine, I don’t think he was talking to anyone else but the damage had been done.
I wasn’t over it, when we had good days, weeks, months, I still wouldn’t let it rest.
I’d pray to God to let me find out one more thing so I could walk away.
I’d imagine these scenarios in my head before bed, in the shower, in class about how I’d catch him one last time, prove myself right that he was still a dog, and I’d walk away with what was left of me…
Unfortunetly it didn’t exactly happen like that.
I got dumped and blamed for it. I was told that this was all my fault, that I had lost myself, that I wasn’t the same happy, motivated, and romantic gal he had fell in-love with.
Boy, was I crushed.
I couldn’t believe that during my time of grieving my mother’s death he was going to walk out on me.
That wasn’t how the story was suppose to end, if any one was suppose to walk away it should have been me. I kept telling myself, “How dare he? After all I delt with? After all the chances I gave him? And yet this is all my fault?”
To end the story only weeks later and after some investigating it all came out to light. I just couldn’t get myself to buy the excuse of “I need some time alone.”
I had observed this guy for years even before we got romantically involved, and if it’s one thing I knew about him was that he could NEVER be alone. So to my findings I was right! There had already been someone else in the picture, he was already talking to someone else only this time he didn’t get caught which allowed it to continue for who knows how long, and he walked away with her.
I’ll admit, I was SO HAPPY. I finally had the proof I needed to know this wasn’t my fault. I cried at the findings of the betrayal and at the fact that she was so ugly (from my taste in woman that is) but man did it motivate me.
There I was ready to feel alive again,  finally that big weight I carried for years off my shoulders, and ready to love myself and find true happiness again.
So I tell my story because yes I guess you can work through infidelity but will you ever feel the same again? Will you ever feel like you did when you first met the person? I know I didn’t.
I guess that’s just the one thing that scares me, if infidelity is as common as they say, and everyone does it…
Then maybe like Usher once sang…
“I don’t want to know, if your playing me, please keep it on the low.”
In all seriousness, everyone should think twice before they give into temptation, yes it’s fun but if you love your significant other, if they mean the world to you just remember that if you crush them you are destroying your best friend. Imagine them in bed with someone else moaning the way only you have made them moan, and ask yourself…
“Is it worth it?”
It really isn’t, once trust is broken it can be so hard to get it back.
Back to me, I guess I just pray I find someone with the same views as mine.
It’s a scary world out there…

Just sharing my thoughts and story,
Kbeautifulmind